Proud
Oh look! There she goes, Her Highness the Queen!
Why so stern, Liz?
Far too proud, that one. Barely says hello, thinks shes all that… but really, shes nothing. Just flashy clothes, nothing more.
Exactly! Kate laughed and put down her mug of coffee. It was barely morning, yet she already had a headache pressing behind her eyes. I suppose thats why Richard appointed her as head of department yesterday. Complete nonentity, clearlyat least in managements eyes.
Kate faltered, catching the shadow crossing Lizs face. Liz, quite clearly, had never had a shot at the role herself; she was never seen as a top specialist. But she was always adept at envy and whispering her dissatisfaction. Kate had learned very early to steer clear of Liz, knowing how destructive she could be. In her first weeks at the firm, Kate had one run-in and decided to keep things extremely politebut strictly neutral ever since. Liz, though not young, was sharp as a fox and twice as cunning. No one could fathom quite why she acted as she did. Kate remembered her grandmothers lessons: always courteous, never let your guard down, and keep neutral. Luckily, they worked in different departments, their paths rarely crossed.
She took another sip of her coffee and winced; cold and instant, absolutely vile. Kate made do with whatever was available at work; time to fuss about coffee was a luxury for weekends. There, she could brew a proper cup, maybe two, of the coffee her stepmother had brought back from her last trip to Africaspiced with cardamom and a drop of lemon juice, then sit out on her tiny balcony, watching the city wake up. The memory brought a smile. Buying that small London flat had been a hard-earned victory, even with the help from her father. She had been meticulous with her search, but stepping onto the little balcony of that drab, worn flat in a pre-war building, the breathtaking view decided everything. For once, Kate hadnt second-guessed herself.
Shed always been cautious. Not one to make friends easily, especially at work. Her habit was to treat everyone with equal friendlinessLiz includedbut never let anyone too close.
Well, best get on with the grind. Some of us have to slog while others get all the biscuits! Liz nearly slammed her mug onto the rack and strode out of the break room.
Kate washed her own cup deliberately, mentally rehearsing her upcoming presentation, when she heard:
Good morning!
She turned and found Pollythe very new department head Liz had been gossiping about. Looking at Polly, Kate had to admit, Liz may have had her reasons for envy. Polly was truly strikingtall, slender, with flawless skin and a face that could turn heads even without a scrap of makeup. Kate found herself peering closersurely no one looked that fresh at 9am without help? But, amazingly, Pollys lashes were bare. Her grey-blue eyes, some elusive shade, were calm and appraising.
Morning! Kate managed, nodding.
Youre Katherine Smith, arent you?
Thats right. You can call me Kateno need for formalities, were not that far apart in age or rung.
Thank you! Im Polly. She offered her handa foreign gesture in this companyher grip surprisingly warm and firm. Kate remembered reading you could tell a lot from a handshake. Pollys grip revealed strengthmore than most women, maybe even most men. In what way, though? Curiosity piqued, Kate asked,
Do you need something from me?
I do, if you have a minute.
Their conversation shifted to work. As Polly laid out her thoughts and asked precise questions, Kate began to see how Polly had risen through the ranks so quickly: a sharp mind, attention to detail. By the end, she was won over.
And youre quite new?
Yes, just six months.
Odd we havent crossed paths before.
We have, actually. Polly smiled suddenlya transformative smile that made her seem years younger. Through your reports. Yours are the best. No mistakes, crisply organized. I always double-check everything, but working with your files is a pleasure. Saves me time. Thank you!
Kate shrugged, flushing.
Its nothing special, really. Just doing my job.
Oh, but youd be surprised how few do it properly. Believe me, I know.
With that, Polly excused herself. Left alone, Kate suddenly noticed Pollys clothes were not expensive at alljust perfectly cut, which, with that figure, made anything look good. Liz was wrong about that too. Annoyed at herself for sinking back into idle commentary, Kate returned to her office. She shared it with two men, both pleasant, both happier leaving her in peacewhich suited Kate just fine.
After that day, Kate found herself increasingly curious about Polly. She watched her in the office, in meetings, always composed, even to Liz. Liz, meanwhile, hovered around, hoping to ingratiate herself. Kate disliked this, but since she and Polly werent exactly friends, she kept her distance, until the day the office was abuzz with nasty whispers too loud to ignore.
It began when someone (Kate didnt doubt who) saw Richardthe managing directorgiving Polly a lift home.
What did I say? Its not brains shes using, its something else! gloated Liz as the break room overflowed with people. Kate, seeing the crowd, simply leftno coffee for her that day.
Heading back, she nearly collided with Polly in the corridor.
Hi!
Hi. Polly looked exhausted, her smile wan. Its so loud in there today. Wanted a coffee.
Kate started to shrug, then stopped, and said,
Dont go in there. Trust me.
Polly paused, surprised. Kate immediately regretted speakingnow shed have to explain! But, catching Kates eye, Polly simply nodded,
Thank you.
And went quietly to her officeno questions.
All day, Kate tried to focus, but her mind kept returning to that short exchange. It had revealed more about Polly than weeks of polite observation. Her curiosity became almost unbearable, but there was something elsea sense of connection she hadnt felt in years.
Kate had only ever had one close friend: Vera, from school days. Vera had emigrated and now lived in Austria with her two lovely children. They only saw each other once a year, when Kate visited for a week, spending long hours catching up for another year apart. Veras husband was wonderfulalways stepping aside so the friends could have time together. Kate treasured those visits; there was no one else she could talk with so openly.
Now, Polly reminded Kate of Veracontained and reserved, except around a true friend.
Kate, unsure how to break the ice, fidgeted for days. Polly made it easy.
Fancy some lunch?
Polly poked into Kates office, not surprised when Kate was out of her chair in a flash.
Seated at a nearby café, their orders made, they sat in silence.
Ask away. Polly broke it, folding a napkin with deliberate care. Watching Pollys long fingers, Kate, feeling clumsy by contrast, asked,
Why did you invite me to lunch? You never tried before.
I was watching you, really. As you watched me, didnt you?
There was nothing for Kate to say.
You were also the only one who didnt run to get coffee with the others this morning. Why?
Pollys gaze met hersgrey, almost steel. It reminded Kate of a thunderstorm over Brighton, waves grey and seething. She didnt lower her eyes.
I despise gossip. And pointless chatter.
I see. Did they… talk about me?
I didnt hear.
Because you didnt want to?
Yes.
Polly laid the crisp paper rose on the table, folding her hands.
Knew I was right about you. Thats good.
A silence hung, but now it hummed with warmth, no tension. Kate relaxed, but decided to be frank.
Youve been through all this before, havent you? The gossip?
Yes. This is the second timeit wont be the last. What do they call me now? Proud?
A bit, Kate admitted, then added, Sorry.
Dont be. Its partly true. You develop pride as a shield. I never used to be this wayI would chat, share little things, talk about life, how people do. But life has a way of teaching sharp lessons. The less people know, the easier it is. Let them think Im a work-obsessed snob. Id rather that, than be the subject of their idle tales. Still, as you see, it never really works. Theyll talk anyway, and the stories only get wilder.
Does it bother you?
More than Id admit. Its awful, having lies told by people who know nothing of your real life. But letting them in would be worse.
Why?
People love labels. Shes the bosss mistress. Slept her way to the top. No brains at all… And so on.
But thats not true! Then why does it sting?
Because I was always trained to please. Be a good girl, my mother said. Good girls are sweet and liked by all. So I tried to please, until I learned better.
Tell me?
Its a long story.
Were not in a rush. Kate met her gaze. Im not being nosy for the sake of it.
I know. Polly tasted her salad, then set down her fork. I havent much appetite.
You need to eatyoure too thin. Where do you get your strength?
Anger, probably. Im angry, Kate.
At whom?
Im not sure. Life. Injustice. Myself.
Yourself?
For being naïve, for trusting easily, for not spotting peoples real selves.
Polly, you know, anything between us stays with us.
Kate, youre not the only one whos been watching. I chose you for this. Should I be wary of Liz?
Yes, Kate said firmly. Dont be afraidshe cant really hurt you. But shes capable of making trouble. Dont underestimate her. Especially if… Kate trailed off.
If I had an affair with the boss? Polly grinned sardonically and dug into her salad. No affair. I wouldnt mind, hes a nice man.
Why not, then?
He sees only the surface at first. Doesnt look behind it.
And behind the surface?
Complications. Responsibilities. Im not just meI come with extra baggage. Most men dont want that.
Polly pulled out her phone, thumbed to a photo, and handed it to Kate.
My son. Matthew.
A thoughtful boy of ten, blond like his mother, with those steel-grey eyes, peered from the screen. His smile was undeniably like Pollys.
Handsome lad! Wait, how old are you? I thought you were younger.
Not that youngI had him just after I turned nineteen.
Why do you say hes a complication?
Polly swiped. The next photo explainedMatthew in a wheelchair, a giant ginger cat on his lap, grinning.
Now you see.
Kate nodded, quietly.
Whats wrong? Can it be treated?
Only to a point. Hell never be quite normal, but we manage. Hes walking a bit nowhuge milestone for us. And hes clever. Polly put her phone away.
Youre strong, Kate said, pouring Pollys tea.
Not at all. I should be, but its tough. Without my Dad and Matthew, Id be lost. Those two hold me together.
And your mum? Is she here?
She was. She died a year after Matthew was born, after a long illness. She was wonderfulalways wanted a big family, grandkids everywhere. I was her little beauty. Shed go without so that Id have the prettiest dresses.
She was rightyou are beautiful, Kate said quietly.
Maybe, but it never brought happiness. Everyone cooed over me, but no one saw who I really was. If not for my dad, I might never have studied. Mum wanted to marry me off quickly. Dad insisted on university. Thats where I met Alex.
Your husband?
Ex, now. My only great love. It was a whirlwindlike standing in the eye of a storm. Stand still, and all is calm, but step out and disaster.
Eye of the storm, Kate murmured.
Is that what its called? YesAlex swept me away, made me live by his rules.
How?
Made me drop out of university. He didnt want a clever wife, just a pretty one. He was much older; I was naïve. And Mum went along, thought he was perfect. Three months after meeting, I was marriedand pregnant. Thats when it fell apart.
Why?
Alex didnt want children. Ever. But he wouldnt let me go, either. Gave me an ultimatumhim, or the baby. When I refused…well, it got ugly. I dont want to talk about that. As soon as he found out the baby wasnt healthy, he tried to convince me to give Matthew up. When I refused, he said Id brought shame on him, as if Id cheated.
What a scumbag…
Maybe, or maybe just a hurt man. No one likes not being chosen. Polly traced her cup thoughtfully.
Lovely cup, she said suddenly. I love good chinacould spend hours in crockery shops. But my favourite mugs one Mum gave me. Wouldnt swap it for anything.
Ive that too. Well, took it when I moved outit was Mums. Only use it on weekends.
And weekdays?
No time. Always running late. So I drink the vile office coffee.
Dreadful stuff! Polly smiled. My dad would have a fit if I offered that to himhe insists on making it himself, even for me.
Your dad helps with Matthew?
Hes Matthews best mate. Id be lost without him. Growing up, I thought he was stern, always busya military man. But after Matthew, I saw another side. Hes my rock.
Why did you say youd been through gossip before?
I used to work for a big medical equipment company. My dads friend owned itwithout that link, Id never have got a look-in. They say, Must be under twenty, three degrees, infertile, fifty years experience. I searched for a year. Got a low salary but good experience. My dad watched Matthew, I worked. Until I made a mistake.
What kind?
Matthew needed a new wheelchair. The NHS provides, but decent ones are another matter. Dad retrofitted the flat, but a good chair makes all the difference. I ordered one, and it really helped Matthewbut word got out. Next thing, wild gossipthings I found out too late. I mightve weathered it, but someone spread a rumour the child was my bosss. He told his wife, who didnt believe it, but stillI couldnt stay, lost all trust.
So dont let them! Kate shoved her dessert away. Why allow them to gossip?
What can I do? Polly sighed. The more I protest, the worse it gets.
Kate thought for a moment.
All right, lets talk cheerier things. Im looking to buy a new carwell, new to me. Cant afford brand new, but nervous about buying used. Know anyone who could help? Dads not much use with motors.
You dont need anyone else, Kate grinned. I can!
Hows that?
My dads an auto mechanicruns a garage outside Reading. Mum died when I was born, stepmum came laterI basically grew up in the shop, learned loads.
What happened to your mum?
She died after having medifficult birth. Dad brought me up, stepmum never took much interest. She wanted her own. But Dad loves us both. Helped me buy my flat, paid for uni. Hes got two more now, so we dont see each other muchbut thats life.
Sounds wise, Polly nodded.
Not wisejust trying to be grown up. But I miss him, still feel a pang. Right! Did you find any cars?
Yesa couple.
Lets look this weekend. Im free.
And so they did.
A week later, Polly had her new car. Two weeks after that, Kate watched from the car park as Polly emerged from the lift with Richard, chatted briefly, then walked over, leaving him watching her go.
What did you talk about?
Told him were not going to date.
You told him about Matthew?
Yes.
And he?
What do you expect, Kate? He was polite, but you could see… Well, having an interesting man pay me attention is enough to brighten a womans day!
Kate smiled, a little sadly. It would be better if he paid proper attentionwith serious intentions.
Serious is not for menot now. Got my hands full already. Matthew keeps asking when youll visit. Nobody games with him like you do.
I bought him a new game!
Oh no, not another one!
Let me spoil him a bit. New gameand a big art pad. Have you seen how he draws? The new games just his kind of graphics.
No. But you have, I suppose.
Yes. He shows me, shy with you. Thats itall revelations given, rest is up to you!
Deal! Polly grinned, steering out of the car park.
And soon, Kate would visit Pollys place, and when Matthew proudly unveiled a shiny new gaming laptop, Kate would raise an eyebrow at Polly, whod feign innocence with a mock-scold. And, when Kate quietly asked in the kitchen, Pollywith a smile that made her eyes deep bluewould say,
No idea whatll happen, Kate. Terrified, but dreaming isnt forbidden, is it?
Its not dreaming thats dangerousits never daring to, Kate would reply.
A year later, standing beside Matthew at Pollys wedding to Richard, watching Matthewon his feet for the whole service, barely glancing at the wheelchair waiting, just in caseKate would whisper,
Happy for your mum?
Very! Matthew would beam, eyes shining as Polly stood radiant in white.
Not listening much to the registrar, Matthew would turn to Kate, whispering,
I reckon Ive got a new game storyline brewing.
Richard always said you were a genius. Whats the story?
Its about a proud, strong goddess who saves everyoneno matter what.
So, a game about your mum, then? Kate would grin, waving at Polly. Time to make her immortal! Will you let me tell her?
If you dare! Matthew would protest, then, catching Kates laughter, wrinkle his nose and whisper, You wont tell! I know you. Will you help me?
Of course! Kate would nod, while Polly, spinning her bouquet, tossed a meaningful look their way.
And if theres a lesson, its this: sometimes our armour isnt pride or isolation, but the love and acceptance of those who see us as we truly areand thats what makes anything possible.
