Ive got another twenty years of dragging myself through this mortgage, sighed Rebecca, her words heavy as she broke off a piece of pancake. She ate it with golden syrupjust the way she likedsweet and sticky, melting on her tongue. Yet, even the treat didnt lift the weight pressing down on her heart this Sunday morning.
Her mother, Margaret, cast her a kind, empathetic smile and patted her hand gently.
Your father and I spent a lifetime paying off our first flat, love. It wasnt easy, but we got through it in the end.
Rebecca picked up another pancake, tore off a piece, and chewed absent-mindedly.
But then look at Lily, she muttered, never raising her eyes from the plate. Her parents just handed her a flat. Gifted it to her like it was the easiest thing in the world. She didnt have to break her back all those years just for thirty square metres of her own.
Margaret nodded, wrapping her hands around a mug of tea.
Thereve always been families like that, Becky. Dont compare yourself. They just started with a different set of cards.
Rebecca tossed the pancake back onto her plate. The thud was surprisingly loud in the stillness of the kitchen.
But why?! Her voice cracked with a sudden fury, eyes flashing. Why must I be the one to struggle? Why does nothing ever come easy for me? Why did I have to work every night at uni, just to scrape by? Why am I twisting myself in knots for a shoebox of a flat? Why cant I afford a car? Why cant I even go on a proper holiday like a normal person?
Margaret got up to hug her.
Rebecca, darling, calm down
Im done, Rebecca shot back, shoving her chair away. Im going home.
She snatched her bag from the hook in the hallway and stormed out before her mother could utter another word. Left alone, Margaret stared at the pile of growing-cold pancakes. Thirty years on, and her daughters temper still flared up like a storm that swallowed everything in its path.
The bus rattled and juddered its way through the city. Rebecca gripped the freezing metal pole, staring blankly at the fogged-up window. Her phone vibrated. Lily flashed on the screen. Rebecca forced on a smile before answering, as if her friend could see through the line.
Becks, come round this weekend! Lily chirped. My new sofa finally arrivedwe need to properly christen the place! Youll love it, promise.
Rebeccas jaw clenched. Some people had everything dropped in their lap, while she fought for every miserable scrap.
Of course, Ill come, she managed to say. Ill cast my expert eye over it all.
The bus jerked to a stop, and Rebecca tumbled out into grey slush. She reached for her headphones to block out the world, but her fingers fumbled with empty pockets. She checked againjacket, jeans, bag inside out. Nothing.
She looked back, watching her bus disappear into the drizzle. Maybe shed dropped them. Maybe someone took them. The thought of screaming crossed her mind. Those headphones had cost over two hundred pounds, proper onesher own birthday treat just two months ago. Gone. And she didnt have the cash for another pair.
She trudged home through puddles and muck, her boots squelching with every step. The block of flats smelt, as always, of damp and something decaying.
Inside her flat, Rebecca dumped her bag on the cracked kitchen linoleum. The wallpaper down the hall had started peeling years ago, the tap in the bathroom still dripped, and the flooring was splitting in three places. The place needed a total remodelbut with her mortgage payments draining every spare quid, that was a fantasy for another decade.
At least Lilys got shiny new furniture, she grumbled.
The week dragged on like a grey ribbon until the weekend arrived. Rebecca stood outside Lilys new building, hesitating. The sparkling new complex gleamed in the dull light, flowerbeds neat, a porter smiling and nodding as she passed. The lift was spacious, mirrored, bathed in soft gold. The hallway smelled faintly of vanilla, not boiled cabbage or old pipes.
Lily opened her door, actually glowing with excitement.
Well? she said, eyes wide.
Rebeccas breath caught in her throat. Massive windows, a living room big enough to fit her entire flattwice. The furniture was impossibly stylishScandinavian fabrics, everything brand new and expensive.
Lily, its unreal, Rebecca said, her stomach twisting at the words.
They spent the night drinking tea, admiring each purchase. Rebecca kept up the smile until her face ached, but as she left, Lily grabbed her hand.
Listen, lets nip away together this summer! Lilys eyes were dancing. A proper seaside week, just sun and sand, or maybe a road tripmy mate can even help us plan a route!
Ill think about it, Rebecca replied lightly. Depends on what dates I can get off.
Lily nodded and hugged her. As soon as Rebecca stepped into the lift, her false smile slipped away entirely.
That visit shattered what little balance shed found. The glinting luxury, the comfortit needled at her, roiling under her skin.
Rebecca stormed into her parents flat, pounding on the door until Margaret swung it open. She burst in, not even bothering to wipe her boots.
How useless are you both?! she snapped, her face twisted with rage. Why did you even bother having me?
Margaret clutched at her chest, stumbling back. Her father, Frank, rushed in, eyes wide.
Rebecca, whats happened? Whats wrong?
Rebecca paced the hallway, muddy footprints marking every step.
Whats wrong? Youre really asking me that? Her laughter was bitter, tears streaming down her cheeks. I went to Lilys today. You should see how she lives! Gorgeous place, every gadget and gizmo, nothing but the best. And thenthen she asks if I fancy a seaside holiday or a road trip! What was I meant to say? That sometimes I cant afford enough groceries? That everything I buy is on special offer? That the only sea I ever see is in my damn dreams?
Margaret tried to hold her, but Rebecca pulled away sharply.
Its your fault! Rebecca was shaking now. You had no right to have a child if you couldnt give her a flat, a car, opportunities! Why must I suffer and watch others live while I just scrape by? Why wasnt I given a fair start, like Lily? What makes her so much better than me?
But then Margaret folded her in an embrace, and this time Rebecca didnt resistshe simply collapsed, sobbing.
Im so tired, Mum, she whispered. I cant keep fighting. Everything I try fails. I dont want this life
Her parents soothed her the whole evening, stroking her hair, making endless cups of tea, whispering soft words. Eventually, Frank cleared his throat.
Darling, why dont you come back and live with us for a bit? Rent out your flat; thatll cover the mortgage, he suggested. Come home. Save up, give yourself a breather.
Rebecca looked at him, and then at her mothers hopeful eyes. Margaret nodded firmly.
Youre our daughter, Becky. Well do anything to help.
Rebecca nodded too.
She was tired of fighting everything aloneand finally, she didnt feel ashamed to admit it.
Six months later, Rebecca returned from a seaside holiday with a suitcase full of brash souvenirs. She handed her parents a gaudy magnet and a box of local fudge. Her skin glowed, her cheeks were plump and rosy for the first time in years.
Standing in the cramped kitchen, watching her mother beam over silly trinkets and her father grumble half-heartedly about another fridge magnet, Rebecca felt a sudden pang of guilt. Shed been so hard on them that night, so unfair. Theyd gone above and beyond for her, given her everything they could.
Not everyone is born into comfort and wealth, and thats simply the way of things. But happinesswell, Rebecca was prepared to claw hers out of life, with everything she had.
