Best Not to Cross the Wife
The mother-in-law barked into the phone,
If you cant keep your husband in line, then file for divorce!
My dream will finally come true. Ill be rid of you
Helen almost burst into tears.
Mrs. Gerald, how can you be like this?
Our family is falling apart, Im trying to save my husband, pull him out of this mess
And instead of helping you tell me to get a divorce?
Helen hadnt spoken to her mother-in-law for seven years. She didnt regret it in the slightestlife was so much easier without her husbands mother poking around.
But Mrs. Gerald saw it differently.
She continued to badger her daughter-in-law with regular, persistent phone calls and messages.
Today was already the fourth time shed called in an hour.
Naturally, Simon, my mate, noticed.
Shes probably calling about the allotment, Simon muttered. Its the start of the season.
Those blasted half an acre again! I suppose she wants help
Theyre your half an acre, Helen replied. Or hers. Certainly not mine.
So Im not obliged to help there. Understood?
Simon stayed quiet.
On one hand, she was right. But on the other
His mother, Mrs. Geralda forceful, bossy womanowned a patch of land that was more like a miniature manor.
She ruled it much the same waywith an iron fist.
The word please didnt exist for her. It was always, bring this, take that, dig here, pick those.
No please, or if youve got the time.
Children and grandchildren were seen only as free labour.
Helen remembered the day it all changed.
It was seven years ago. Autumn, the two of themSimon and Helenstill naive and dutiful, lugged what must have been a ton of potatoes across the wet, soggy ground.
Helens back felt like it had collapsed down into her oversized wellies.
When Simon was done, he popped into the cellar to see his mum.
Mum, were heading home now. Mind giving us a sack of potatoes?
Winters in England can be longgood to have mash for the kids, a bit of savings all the same.
Mrs. Gerald narrowed her eyes. Shed always made a living selling veg on the market; every tomato was profit.
Oh, son, she shrugged, theyre all already spoken for. I promised them to some buyers this summer.
All of them? Simon was taken aback. Mum, surely youve got a sack for us? After all we planted and dug them up ourselves.
Well, I offered you a net back three years ago, and you refused. Clearly, you didnt need any, she twisted things around, and you know my pension is tiny. Every penny counts.
If you want potatoes, you can buy them from me.
Ill give you a good family price, with a discount. But not for free!
Simon didnt argue. He simply nodded, took Helens hand, and led her to the car.
On the drive home, he declared,
Were not taking anything from her again, he said firmly. And Im never planting at that scale again.
From then on, the vast garden was left as a few small beds for the soul.
His mother lost her supply of free help.
They started buying potatoes from Tesco. On principleno more asking for what should have been theirs anyway.
But if the matter of the allotment was settled, Mrs. Geralds character, tainted at heart, was another matter entirely.
She couldnt fathom, let alone accept, that Helen gave her the cold shoulder.
The phone rang again. Helen put down her knife and looked at Simon.
Are you going?
I should, Helen. The fence has seen better days.
Youre not taking the kids, she said flatly.
They wouldnt go if I tried.
The grandkids were terrified of their gran. She wasnt the kindly scone-and-tea type, but a thunderous, forever-disgruntled woman, always ready for a scold.
And the children hated her habit of insulting their mum.
Your mother doesnt respect me, shes turning you against me! their loving nana would bark. Thinks shes the Queen! Wont lift a finger at the allotment!
Tell your mother shes ungrateful!
The children would come home touchy, sulkyHelen put a stop to it.
Alright, Simon sighed, tapping the table. Ill just pop over and back. Wont be long.
He left, and once Helen finished preparing lunch, she sat down for a breather.
At once, her mind called up another memorythe one that made her realise her mother-in-law wasnt just difficult. She was an enemy.
***
Three years ago, Simon had begun to slip away. It started innocentlyjust a few hours gaming online after work, unwinding.
Tanks, strategy games, whatever.
At first, Helen hadnt minded. Let him relaxif that was his thing, so be it.
But gradually those few hours spread into all-nighters.
After work Simon would gulp dinners, collapse in the armchaireyes glazed, barely responding, not even noticing the kids or his wife.
Weekends became endless marathons at the computerover thirty hours at a stretch.
Helen was beside herself.
What to do? How to save her husband? She had countless talks with him, to no avail.
Simon, we need to talk! she pleaded. Look at me!
Leave me alone, Im busy. Ive got a clan battle.
Your familys falling apartwhats more important than that?
When she saw talking was useless, Helen got desperate: she hid chargers, took his laptop to her parents, even sold his desktop for a song.
But it didnt workhe blew up at her, then bought a new one the same day.
It was addiction, plain and simple.
The man she loved was vanishing. Even work was at risk.
In despair, Helen phoned her mother-in-law.
She thought: shes his mumsurely, despite everything, she loves him. Shell help, talk sense into him, do something
Swallowing tears, she dialled.
Mrs. Gerald, its bad. Simons completely checked out. These games he doesnt see his family. Please talk to him, as his mother, as an adult. He wont listen to me. Our marriage is breaking up!
There was a pause. Helen expected support, maybe a promise to come over and sort him out.
But Mrs. Geralds voice was calm, almost triumphant,
If you cant live together, get a divorce.
What? Helen couldnt believe her ears.
You heard me. Dont torment the lad. Let him pack his bags and move in here. Ive got plenty of jobs for himgardens a mess, roof leaks. Hes more use to me than you. Hell get a rest from your hysterics!
Helen stood frozen, phone in hand. That reply was everything: jealousy, a wish to drag her property back home.
She remembered a birthday party a few years before.
The table was set, guests gathered, including Helens parents.
Mrs. Gerald, rosy-cheeked after a few glasses of her homemade elderflower wine, suddenly announced, eyes sweeping the room and settling on Helens parents,
Im just waiting for him to come back. My house is big, theres always room for him. Wives come and go, but a mothers the only constant. Youll seehell come running to me one day!
Helens parents sat speechless. Helen thought: whats on the mind when sober spills from the lips when tipsy.
***
Help came from an entirely unexpected place.
Helens former brother-in-law, David, had also crashed and burnedalcohol, lost his job, flat, and worst of all, his family.
His wife, Helens sister, left with the children and never came back.
That was Davids wake-up call. He changedbecame tough, quiet, but straight. Tried to win his family back, but her sister didnt forgive.
You cant fix a broken teacup, she told him.
David lived with regret, but never touched a drink again.
Helen found his number and called.
Dave, hi. Its Helen. I need your help.
David turned up within the hour. He walked into the kitchen, found Simon sulkily munching on a sandwich and staring at his phone.
Alright, gamer, David scoffed, sitting opposite him.
Simon jumped. What are you doing here?
Just came to see someone throwing their life down the loo. I was stuck on the bottle, youre lost in virtual battles. Not much difference, really.
They had a long talk.
Helen sat nearby, overhearing.
At first, Simon snapped and shouted, insisting he had the right to relax.
David never raised his voice.
You think youre in control? Davids voice drifted through. So did I. Just a couple of pints to unwind. Next thingempty flat. The kids beds gone. Bone-dead silence. Nothing fills that.
Helenll leave, Simon. Shes patient, but not made of stone. Shell take the kids and go. Then youll be sitting with your laptop at your mums vegetable patch. Is that what you want?
Simon muttered back, but he was quieter, unsure.
Id give anything to go back to the day my wife packed her bags, David went on. To stop her. Beg her forgiveness. But its too late! Youve still got a chance…
After David left, Simon sat in darkness for ages.
When he finally went to bed, Helen was awake, facing the wall.
He crawled in, put his arms round her.
Im sorry, he whispered. Its all deleted. I get it now, Helen. You and the kids are everything to me
He kept his wordthe laptop became just for work.
The first weeks were tough. He was edgy, restless, but Helen kept him busywalks, offers of help, just chat.
And they pulled through.
***
Simon came back just before supper.
Howd it go? Helen asked, laying the table. What did you do?
Fixed the fence, sorted the porch steps. The shed door was askew, did that too.
Hows your mum?
The usual. Asked why I didnt bring the grandchildren.
And what did you say?
Told her they had dance and football clubs. Didnt tell the truth.
You should have.
Helen, shes old and poorly
No, shes rotten, Simon, not just old, Helen interrupted. You know what shes been telling the kids about me and us. That Im a bad mother, that I dont love them, that I disrespect you. Why poison them?
Helen, shes their gran! Simon snapped more sharply than usual. She has a right to see her grandchildren! I promised Id bring them next weekend.
You wont, Helen replied calmly. If you want to go, go on your own. But leave the kids out of it! Dont try to lay down the law with me.
To protect the kids, Ill do anything. Even divorce.
Simon was instantly subduedhe knew what his wife was like.
She never said anything she didnt mean, and if she said shed divorce, shed do it.
He would back down. The children wouldnt go anywhere.
And best not to cross the wife.
