Forgive me, my beloved daughter
My dear, my darling girl! an elderly woman rushed towards Alice, arms outstretched. Alice recoiled. I think youre mistaken. My mother was someone else, she replied, but the poorly dressed woman persisted. Youre Alice, arent you? And your surname is Parker? she asked hopefully.
Yes But you must be mistaken, you couldnt possibly be my mother. Turning on her heel, Alice hurried to her building.
Dropping her shopping bags in the hallway, Alice moved into the kitchen, gulping down a glass of water. She had recognised her mother, though barely. Years ago, her mother had abandoned her, leaving her alone in their flat and simply vanishing. Alice was only six at the time. She waited patiently for nearly five days, but once the food ran out, she went to the neighbours. While she ate hungrily, they called social services. Alice was taken away; she had to leave even her favourite doll behind, so sudden was the move.
Peering through the window, Alice saw the womanher so-called mothersitting on a bench, watching her windows. Alice slumped heavily into a chair. Why had she appeared again? Was it just to ask for help? Alice could help, in theory, but she had no desire. She felt nothing at allnot as a daughter, not even a hint of blood ties.
Back then, when it was just the two of them, life was hard. Those memories lingered deep in Alices mind. They moved constantly, staying with strangers. Alice never made friendsthere was no time before another move. Sometimes there was no food and her mum would give her hot water with sugar; when even that wasnt available, just water. Itll keep you full, her mum would say sadly. From overhearing conversations, Alice knew her mother was an orphan. Once, they stayed with a man named Uncle Roy for three months. Alice often woke at night to the sound of shouting. Her mother argued with Uncle Roy, calling him names. After that, they moved again.
When Alice grew older, she tried to understand whywhy did they relocate so often, why did they go hungry? No answers ever came. Her adoptive parents, though not wealthy, lived decently. Both worked and looked after Alice and Lucy, another adopted daughter. They gave them everythingcare, affection, guidance. Both girls went on to university and earned degrees. It puzzled Alice: how could such kind people be denied children of their own? A strange twist of fate.
On the bench, the woman remembered too. She brought Alice into the world by accident, after a brief encounter with a nearly unknown man who came and went. Life was tough as an orphan. She squandered the council flat shed been given after getting involved with someone dubious, who tricked her and left her homeless. She drifted between acquaintances and strangers. In that period, she fell pregnant. She couldnt bring herself to give away the baby. Alice became her happiness. They found a flat to look after while its owners were away; benefits helped them survive. But soon a nightmare began. They had to leave the flat, and jobs were scarce. People advised her to moonlight at nightofficially as a waitress, unofficially doing whatever was necessary. When rent was due, shed swiftly move on with Alice.
It went on and on. That fateful evening, she left and never returned because at the café where she worked, someone robbed the till and pinned the blame on her. She thought it would be sorted quickly, but justice, she learned, existed only in films. She was sentenced to five years in prison. Even the fact she had a young child didnt help. Someone like you shouldnt have children at all, they said.
She was released early, after three and a half years. She drifted about, had no future. She knew shed never get Alice back unless her circumstances improved; she wouldnt even be allowed to see her, her parental rights revoked. She tried honestlyfinding work and housingbut nobody wanted her, not even as a cleaner, since she lacked a proper address. Desperate, she started drinking and lived among others lost in life.
Later came the hospital and a grim diagnosis. There she first thought about God. Volunteers would come and share the Gospel with the down-and-out. She found faith. After discharge, she was allowed to stay and work in a local shelter as best as she could. She knew her time was short and asked the priest to help her find Alice and ask forgiveness. They helped her. She received a slip of paper with an address. Her heart pounded as she saw her grown-up daughter, so like herself as a young woman. But sadly, Alice wouldnt listen. She hoped, though, and waited. Surely, at some point, Alice would come out.
A little while later, Alice came outside. Heres a blanket, she said. You dont want to catch a chill. Her mothers hand trembled as she touched Alices arm. Forgive me, Alice. Forgive me for everything, she said, dropping to her knees. Alice burst into tearsOh, please, dont do this. Stand up, she said, offering her hand.
No, they didnt live together. But they met often at the local church. When her mother finally passed away, Alice saw her off with dignity. No matter what had happened, this woman had given her life.
