If you dont get yourself together, Ill find someone else who can! Those words broke me in the middle of an ordinary evening.
It was just after dinner one eveninga moment Ill never forget. He looked at me calmly and said,
If you cant sort yourself out and take care of your appearance, Ill find another woman. Someone who knows how.
Just like that. As if he were asking me to pass the salt.
I stood there, tears in my eyes, unable to understand how he could expect this of me, knowing we had four young children. Ones two, anothers four, then six And Im the only one keeping the whole house afloat.
I cook.
I wash.
I scrub.
I iron.
I manage it allschool bags, packed lunches, clothes, household chores, temper tantrums, spilled juice, lost jumpers.
His only job? Come home, take off his shoes and ask:
Whats for dinner?
Since our youngest was born, I barely sleep. Up at five every morning to get breakfast and everything else ready before the house wakes. If I make it to the bathroom, its already lunch time. Sometimes I dont have a minute to fix my eyebrows. My nails havent seen a file in weeks.
Yet he repeats that I look like an old lady and every wife should stay attractive for her husband.
As he says it, Ive got one child on my hip and another shouting from the bathroom that weve run out of loo roll.
Two weeks ago it came up again. He lounged in front of the telly while I picked toys off the carpet.
If you dont sort yourself out, I wont answer you next time.
I tried to explain I hardly have a moment for anything, that my days are a marathon of duties. He just shrugged:
That doesnt bother me. Sort your time out. Whos forcing you to keep the house so spotless? If you cant, dont bother.
But hes the same man who makes a scene if a plate isnt in its proper place. The same one who complains if the floor doesnt shine.
Last week, I even tried harder. Got up earlier, tied my hair neatly, put on some old lipstick I found in a drawer. When he saw me, rather than say anything nice he just shot:
Whats this then? Decided to make an effort now? Its too late.
I wept while scrubbing pans, while the baby tugged at my jumper and the other three squabbled over a tablet that barely works.
I confided in my neighbour because I needed to let it out. She simply looked at me and said:
Words like that dont come from an innocent man. Usually someone says them when theres already another woman, and hes getting ready to leave.
Since hearing that I havent slept well.
He comes home later these days, showers quicker, grooms himself more than before. Smells of aftershave Ive not seen in our bathroom. When I ask where hes been, he gets angry. Says Im paranoid.
And me well, Im scared.
Truly scared. Because if he leaves, Im alone with four kids. Alone with everything. Alone with exhaustion, sleepless nights, feeling overwhelmed, and a life I can barely carry on my own.
Im furious. Furious because Ive kept this household standing. I gave it life. I carried it all. And him he only ever demanded.
Today, I sit here and wonder:
Is my neighbour right?
Has he already made his choice?
Did I miss the moment when love ended for him?
I dont know whats coming next.
But I can feel something has been happening, and its been happening for far longer than I cared to admit.
If nothing else, Ive learnt that love and effort shouldnt be one-sided. Perhaps its time I started caring for myself as much as Ive cared for everyone else.
