Dear Diary,
19May2024
Emily begged me to let her go. We tried to build a life together, but its falling apart. Why keep hurting each other? Lets just divorce, she said, voice shaking. I smirked, Now? Youre daydreaming. I wont let you. Youre my wife, Im your husband, were a family. Are you unhappy? Have you fallen out of love? Is there someone else? Answer when I ask!
Emily perched on the edge of the sofa, nervously twisting the corner of the blanket. After yet another shouting match she wanted nothing more than to vanish, to disappear from my life forever. She could have walked out, but the thought of filing for divorce never seemed to cross her mind. Two years of marriage now felt like a nightmare, especially the last six months. I had become a harshhearted king of the house, finding fresh reasons to pick on her every day.
This morning started with something trivial. Emily ordered a new face cream online.
Spending money on nonsense again? I shouted when she walked in with the parcel.
She tried to explain, but I cut her off. Do you ever think about us? Or only about yourself, love? That cream could have been spent on something usefullike helping my parents.
James, why jump straight to that? I work, I have my own money. I always help your parents, you know that.
What are you doing? Sending them pennies! They need real help. Youre selfish, Emily. You throw almost everything you earn on fancy lotions and trinkets!
My voice rose, eyes flashing. She burst into tears. I slammed the door, leaving her alone with her sobs and a crushing sense of helplessness. I always did thispress her down, then walk away.
Emily remembered how it had all begun. I once seemed perfect: attentive, caring, loving. Something changed, or perhaps she never saw the real me before.
Later that evening I came home to find her in the kitchen sipping tea.
Whats this? Crying again? I asked without looking up.
No you hurt me
I hurt you? Youre to blame. Think before you act.
What am I doing wrong? she whispered.
Everything! You dont try. I work all day, Im exhausted, and you? You spend half the day at the computer, the other half just sitting at home!
I work too, not less than you, she retorted, then immediately regretted it.
Whats your job? Nothing but pennies! Im the one keeping the family afloat. You should be grateful, Emily. Ive never heard you thank me, even though Ive earned it!
Im grateful, James but that doesnt give you the right to speak to me like that.
How am I supposed to talk to you? Youre always dissatisfied, always crying. Why do you make me look like a monster?
James youre constantly unhappy. Im scared to say a word, to buy anything, even to rest after lunch. If I lie down, youll start shouting. My nerves arent steel; I cant control myself any longer.
Stop whining! You always play the victim. It makes me sick!
My disgust was so palpable it hurt her physically.
I dont understand whats happening, she whispered, why are you like this?
Just behave, dont annoy me, and everything will be fine.
She looked at me. No warmth, no lovejust irritation.
Maybe we should see a family therapist? she suggested.
A therapist? You need one, youre the one whos messed up, constantly inventing problems out of thin air.
Those words finally pushed her over the edge. She pulled out her old notebook and began planning an escape, while I ate hastily and turned on the telly.
—
The next day Emily left the flat earlier than usual. She went to a café on Oxford Street to collect her thoughts over a coffee, notebook in hand.
Step one: find parttime work, need more cash. Step two: rent a modest flat or a room. Step three: gather my belongings. Step four
A familiar voice called, Emily? It was my old schoolmate, Sophie.
Emily! What a surprise!
Its been ages, Sophie smiled, What are you up to? Working here?
No, just stopped by to think.
You look off. Something wrong? Feeling ill?
Id never heard such comfort before. I hadnt told my parentsdidnt want to upset them, and my mates had been keeping their distance. I broke down.
Sophie, everythings terrible. Hes driving me mad, constantly criticizing, humiliating. I cant bear it any longer. Im scared he might become violent during our fights.
She listened without interrupting.
I want to leave him, Sophie! Im terrified, I dont know where to start. How will I survive?
Run, Emily! I wont let you be alone. Come stay with me for a while. Do you remember my address? And there are free counselling services for women trapped in abusive marriages.
I didnt know about those, I admitted.
Now you do. Most of all, believe in yourself. Youre strong; youll get through this.
After work we met again. The twohour conversation left me feeling lighter, almost a new person.
—
That evening I returned home to find Emily back. She stood in the hallway, eyes cold.
Where have you been? I asked, not turning from the TV.
Out, she said.
Youre out a lot lately. Got a lover?
A chill ran down my spine.
What are you saying? I snapped.
Nothing. I wont stand for this any longer, she said, weary.
Fine, what do you want to hear? Compliments?
She took a deep breath, steadied herself.
James, we need to talk.
About what? My infidelities?
No, about us, about the marriage.
What are you going to say?
I want a divorce.
I stared, stunned.
You said what?
I said I want a divorce. I cant live like this any more. You constantly humiliate me, criticize me. Im unhappy.
Youre insane! Divorce? Who will you be without me? Nobody! You should be grateful I let you stay under my roof.
I owe nobody anything. I want to be happy.
Happiness? You think youll be happy without me? Youre wrong. Youre useless. Do you understand?
I fell silent. I no longer wanted to argue; the decision was already made.
Im leaving tomorrow, I said calmly.
Where will you go? Youre broke! I shouted.
Thats none of your business. Ill manage.
No, I wont let you go! Ill find you, make you regret ever being born! Youve had everything from me, Ive raised you to be a proper lady, and you
She said nothing, turned, and walked toward the bedroom to pack.
I stayed in the lounge, trying to sleep, but the ceiling stared back at me. Fear gnawed at mefear of the future, of ending up alone, of never finding happiness again. Most of all, I feared staying with Emily.
At dawn I rose, washed, dressed, and went to the kitchen. Emily was already there, sipping coffee.
You wont get away, she warned. Dont even think of running while Im at work!
Ive made my choice, I replied.
I wont let you!
Enough, James
You dont understand what Im saying!
I stood up, moved toward her, and she shrank away.
Dont come near me, she begged. James, step back!
I pushed her against the wall; she hit her head and fell to the floor. My hand tightened around her throat. She closed her eyes, bracing for the worst.
Neighbors, hearing the earlymorning cries, called the police. They arrived, pulled me off her, and took her to the hospital. Once she was discharged, she filed for divorce, and our marriage crumbled completely.
—
Lesson learned: Power and control masquerade as love, but they only breed fear and ruin. True partnership means respect, not domination. I have to confront my own darkness before I can ever treat another with kindness.
