Emily.
Hello! Thomas beamed as he spotted his daughter walking out of school, her rucksack nearly as big as herself. How was your day?
Emily and Thomas, her father, climbed into the car.
Oh, Dad, today was brilliant, honestly! Ill show you later, its a surprise! And it was my turn to feed the rabbits, and Harry brought in sweets for everyone because it was his birthday, and then…
Emily rattled on, determined to tell her dad everything she could, since these moments together were so rare now. As soon as he dropped her home, he had to rush off to work.
Thomas glanced at the speedometer. The pointer crept close to the limit. In the backseat, Emily struggled with her seatbelt, arranging her dolls. The radio gave tomorrows weather, followed by an advert for the latest multivitamins.
…The collision came from slightly ahead. A Ford swerved out of the opposite lane, its terrified driver desperate to avoid the oncoming cars, but the traffic blocked any escape.
Thomas felt a burning pain in his left shoulder, then he lurched forward and briefly blacked out. Regaining consciousness, he tried to turn towards the back, but the crumpled metal trapped him. He could hear his daughters cries from the car seat, sobbing and calling for help, calling for Mum, then sobbing again.
Bystanders crowded around, attempting the jammed doors but failing.
Hold on, darling, just a little longer, sweetheart! Everything will be alright!
Thomas tried to twist around, but he couldnt move. His daughters voice faded. Then, the emergency crews arrived.
…Sophie sat by Emilys bedside, holding her hand. Emily hadnt suffered serious injuries; a couple of fractures would keep them in hospital a while, but Sophie was sure the worst was over. She gently stroked her daughters ink-stained fingersstill blotted with paint from art. Sophies chin trembled. She exhaled deeply, closed her eyes, and forced herself to remain calm.
A doctor enteredDr. Peter Harrison.
Mrs. Morgan? Could we step into the doctors room? I need a word.
Sophie gently let go of Emilys hand and tucked her in. Emily dozed, exhausted from the ordeal.
Dr. Harrison led Sophie to an airy office, where a handful of people in scrubs shuffled files at desks. They glanced up at her but quickly bent over their screens again.
Mrs. Morgan, has your daughter ever complained of back pain?
Sophie hesitated, thoughts muddled, her insides wound tight.
No, I dont think so. Wait, actually, a couple of months ago, she woke up with a sore back. We thought it was a trapped nerve. The pain went away by lunchtime and never came back. Why do you ask?
Dr. Harrison paused, then lowered his voice.
The MRI showed a small growth near her spine. At the moment, we cant say exactly what it is.
What? What growth? She was in a car accident!Sophie shook her head, rejecting the idea. A tumour? Is it because of the crash?
No, its unrelated…
Silence filled the room. Life was about to change for good; Sophie would need time to digest what this meantbefore she could accept it and act.
What happens now?she managed.
Well ask a specialist to review everything. We simply dont know yet what this is, so lets not leap to any conclusions.
Yes… May I go back to Emily?Sophie asked, lost.
Of course.
…Thomas lay in a coma. He dreamt that Sophie called him for tea with Emily, but he couldnt find Emily anywhere. She was hiding on their allotment. He called her, but she kept silent and stayed hidden.
His heart pounded. Sophie stood on the doorstep, murmuring quietly, but Thomas couldnt hear. She shook her head and went back inside. Thomas was desperatehe knew his girls needed him, right now, but he was powerless to reach them.
…Two days later, the specialist Dr. Richard Evansrecognisable by his colourful cap with rockets and smiley facescame to see Emily. She immediately liked him. He spent ages reviewing the scans, calling colleagues, double-checking test results.
All right, my lovely, would you let me check your back?he asked gently.
Sure,she replied, rolling onto her side.
His warm, rough fingers pressed carefully along her spine; eventually, they stopped at the trouble spot.
Does that hurt?he asked.
A bit, when you press there. What is it?
Sophie hovered nearby, praying, Let him say its nothing, just a silly mistake.
Mrs. Morgan!he addressed SophieLets get you a treat for raising such a brave girl!He turned to Emily,You do like surprises, dont you?
Emily grinned and nodded.
Dr. Evans glanced knowingly at Sophie.
Im hopeless at hiding the truth, he thought ruefully.
Sophie gulped, kissed her daughter, and followed him into the hall.
This way, please,he said.
Sophie despised his cap, his green uniform, the fact that he was about to say something that would wound her deeply. He would cut her world into “before” and “after.” And Thomas wasnt here to share the blow…
Please, sit down. Would you like a cup of tea? No? Right. Well, I believe we need to remove the mass as soon as possible. Its too small to biopsy effectively, if you see what I mean.
Sophie began to shake.
I know… My family has a history of cancer…
Im not saying its malignant. Well see. But Id advise not to delay. Heres how it will work: tomorrow well sort the paperwork and move you to the childrens unit. Barring surprises, well operate the next day.
But… my husband is here in ITU. Cant we stay in this hospital?
As soon as he wakes, you can visit him. Its better not to wait. The centre is well equipped, I assure you.
Emily and Sophie were transferred the next day.
Mum, are we going home?Emily asked brightly.Is Dad there already?
No, sweetheart, Dads still at the hospital, but hell get better soon. Theyre just taking us to another ward.
Why? Is it nicer? Do they show cartoons?
Yes, darling, its lovely. Well ask about the cartoons!Sophie smiled.
Emily entered the new room, gripping her mothers hand. Two pairs of childrens eyes watched curiously.
Hello,Emily called out fearlessly.Do you get to watch cartoons here?
The girls exchanged looks.
Yes, but only in the evening…
…While the operation went on, Sophie paced the corridor.
Dont worry! Dr. Evans is fantastic!came a voice behind her.
A slim woman holding a little boy drew near. The boy twitched in his sleep, whimpering, and she gently murmured to him until he settled.
He did surgery for us too,she continued.It went fine. Come, sit down!
Sophie had grown unused to mothers including themselves in their childs health. Normally shed bristle at “us” or “we”, but not today. In this place, where your whole world is behind those white doors, you are utterly joined to your child, the umbilical cord re-tightened by fear and love.
Have you been here long?Sophie glanced at the painted walls.
Half a year,the woman sighed.Were nearly done. Olivers getting better. Just the meds ruin him sometimes… Whats your daughters story, is she having treatment?
No, waiting on the operation results. Everythings gone mad. Emily and her dad were in a crash. Then the doctors said she has a tumour. My husbands still unconscious, he doesnt know. He doesnt know Emilys in theatre, that I can barely hold it together…
Hush now,the woman soothed,your daughter can sense your worry, even if she cant hear you. Try, just for her, to stay calm and show her youre confident. She needs your strength now more than ever.
Sophie studied the young woman. Though she couldnt have been more than thirty, the strain showed in her eyes. She had already passed through so much.
Sophie nodded.
Thank you.
…Emily lay on the operating table, frightened by the strangers in masks, whose eyes smiled, whose hands gently comforted her. Then came the sweet smell of bubblegum. Everything spun, and she drifted off.
She dreamed she was small again, clutching a music box. Porcelain ballerina twirling atop a glass lily, notes tinkling in the air. Birthday. Dad had given it to her.
Remember this moment, love!said her father, hugging her close.Keep it with you forever!
She did. Now, as fear and tiredness overtook her, she wanted to drift away. But her father stood nearby, holding her hands, the ballerina spinning on.
Tell Mum not to worry!he whispered.Ill be back soon, just need to rest, then Ill be right with you. Promise?
Yes, Daddy!she hugged him tightly.
Half an hour later, the surgeons emerged and Emily was wheeled back, still sleeping.
Mrs. Morgan,Dr. Evans swapped his cap for one festooned with cheerful animals.It went well. Now we just wait for results. Ill ask for them as quickly as possible.
Thank you,Sophie searched for answers in his eyes, but saw only tired gentleness.
Let Emily sleep. Stay with her. May I get you anything?
She was taken abacknever before had a doctor offered her a drink.
Just heading to the canteen. Can I fetch you a coffee? Please, dont feel awkward!
Oh! Well, yesa coffee would be lovely, if its not too much trouble.
Ill be back soon. Dont leave, let Emily find you here first thing.
He left swiftly.
…Thomas slept on. Within his dream he sensed Emily laughing about the bubblegum scent, saw doctors stroking her back while she slept. He felt her terror and instinctively stood ready to shield her. He saw her wheeled out of recovery. He tried to run to her, but something held him fast. He attempted to cry out, but his voice failed. The doctors seemed to sense him.
Keep out, mate!called one, the anaesthetist.Shes doing well, but now you need to heal up. Emilys waiting for you!
Is she all right?he wanted to ask, but darkness closed in.
Hes arrested, lets go! Come on, Thomas, dont leave us, your daughter and wife need you!The crash team worked fiercely at his bedside, trying to pull him back from the brink.
Hello? Yes, Thomas Morgan, M-O-R-G-A-N,Sophie spelled out her husbands name on the phone, calling the ward.Still not conscious… in a critical condition…
She echoed the nurses words, feeling lower than ever. As if thin, treacherous ice had given way beneath her, her whole life slipping under the freezing water, irretrievable now. That day should have ended differently, but nothing could be changed. The tune of her life was broken. Now she survived only in snatches, dropped from the orchestra, left trying to hold a solo with no melody left.
Emily woke quickly. She scanned the new room, saw her mum, and chirped:
Mum! Do you remember the music box Dad gave me? The one with the ballerina? Lets bring it here! Dad mentioned it just now! He said not to worry, he just needs a rest and hell join us soon. Did you hear that?
Sophie heard. It was ridiculous, impossible, but she believed. There was nothing else left.
Evening came. Emily was fretfulbored with bed, her back and arm sore, always asking for Dad. Finally, she drifted off.
Sophie sat on the edge of the bed, watching over her child. Emily had never been an easy babyalways howling, her mother stumbling to understand. As she grew, Emily turned stubborn, constantly challenging and questioning. Each day felt like a strugglewith Emily, with herself, and with her own motherhood.
Thomas, though, was different. He understood her, made her laugh, brought her peace. Sophie tried but could never manage it like he could.
Tom, please, come back! We need you!she murmured into the darkness, listening to Emily breathe.Your ballerinas stopped dancing, love. I cant do this without you.
She fell asleep.
Hang on, Soph, I cant just yet. Still a few bits to mend and patch. Wait for me, Im trying, so are the doctors. Just be strong, especially tomorrowI can feel youll need to!His voice was as clear as if he was on the phone beside her.
She sat up abruptly, scanning the room. Only Emily, whimpering in her sleep, and the faint beeping for the nurse down the hall.
Morning brought histology. Dr. Evans explained everything to Sophie, how theyd proceed. Sophie only nodded, mind blank, ears ringing.
Sophie,her husbands voice resonated in her mind.Pull yourself together, pay attention. Ask about medicines, about food. Write it down for me, for Mum.
Thomass instructions snapped her back to reality. She scribbled furiously as Dr. Evans repeated himself.
…Morgan, you troublemaker!the consultant grumbled at Thomass bedside.Forever dashing off! Will I ever get a quiet shift?
Thomass pulse galloped. In his dream, he watched Sophies face as she heard Dr. Evanss words, feeling her pain as his own. He wasnt ready to return to his battered, aching body, not yet.
Emilys treatments began. All the whispered side effects passed between mothers in corridors soon visited. Her eyes looked enormous, her cheeks thin, making her seem almost separate from her tiny body. Outside, spring arrived. Councils swept the grass, men with neon vests repainted crosswalks. Emily could only watch from her window. She waved to Granny but waited for someone else. He never came. Mum said Daddy was poorly too, but far away, and hed be back soon.
Mum, you know, Dad visits me at night. He sits right here,she patted the edge of her bed,and tells me stories. Do you hear them? He whispers so nurse Mrs. Watson doesnt shoo him outshes so strict…
Emily sighed. Sophie knew her husband came to her in dreams toothey just sat quietly, arms tight around one another, watching the ballerina spin atop the lily…
Emily responded well to treatment. Hope improved. Sophie no longer stared in dread at the yellow-blue wing, the place everyone feared. If you were sent there, it usually meant the worst. Three kids from their floor had gone there already. Their mothers packed wordlessly and left, while the rest prayed.
Sophie noticed the new grey in her hair, but didnt care. She brushed it out of sheer habit. Life paused for her, though Emily sat in classes for poorly children, played, tried to smile daily. Sophie couldnt manage that. She always was the weak one, hiding behind her husbands strength. Now she was nearly broken.
Dad, Mums terribly worried!Emily whispered to her father in a dream.I overheard her tell Granny its too hard. Cant you come? Im scared for her!
Im hurrying, poppet, as fast as I can! Mum just needs to be brave a little longer!
Sophie just pitied herself, grieved for how things had been, cursed the crash that changed their fatenot realising that, cruel as it was, it had opened a path to life. She didnt want to accept, fighting and hurting herself more.
Sophie! Thats enough! Stop snivelling about your childhood bumps and get up! Emilys struggling more and still finding joy. Youre scraping your knees like a kidstand up, patch yourself up, get moving! No one knows how long we have, dont waste it!Thomas stormed through her dream, shouting at her.
He stamped his feet, furious. Sophie listened, appalled and humbled. His shouting tangled with the music boxs melody, the ballerinas spinning, until she snatched the box and nearly hurled it at the floor.
Suddenly, the noise stopped. She saw Emilys terrified eyes, Thomass despair, her own face warped with grief. If she smashed the box, only emptiness and pain would remain…
In the dream, she set the ballerina gently on the table. Somewhere in her soulsomething finally shifted, the cogs set to move together again. Thomas nodded, content, and vanished. Awake now, Sophies heart beat wildly and wouldnt settle.
Morgan! Thomas! Can you hear me?the doctors voice called, tapping Thomass cheek.Time to wake up, mate! Time to get back to work! Come on, open your eyes!
Thomas heardand returned. Now he realised Sophie could stand on her own, and he needed to recover quickly. Emily was waiting, he knew which window was hers. He knew.
…Mum!Emily cried, beaming.Mum! Dad’s here! Daddy!
She gazed out at the pavement, waving frantically at the open window. Slowly up the path, leaning on crutches, came a man carrying a bouquetfor the Emily who had waited so long.
