Turn the music down a touch! Cheers. Thank you. My dears, lets raise a glass: congratulations to us all on a decade together! Ten whole years, our company is thriving and going from strength to strength. And its all down to you! I want to thank each and every one of youheres to good health, happiness, and all things wonderful! Hooray! Jonathan Sheffield raised his glass and waved for the waiters.
The cake was magnificent. Helen was rather chuffed shed ignored all the naysayers and ordered it from Londons top patisserie, instead of some quirky home baker. The cake looked fab, and it tasted even better. Shed barely had a bite when
Helen, I really dont think you should be having any more sweets! Jonathan looked at her with that soft, loaded frown of his.
Helen turned beetroot-red and nudged her plate away. Jonathan had always been into healthy living, but lately it was like itd become his religion. We all had to go to the gymyearly gym memberships, paid for by the company, no less. Rumour was, he wanted to start hiring by statsweight, height, probably shoe size soon!
A healthy person is a good worker! If youre not run down with illnesses, you can focus on work. And if you get things right in your own mindset, your whole family benefits. Your children wont constantly be off sick, and therell be no need for sick leave!
Helen had grown used to letting remarks like that float past her. Everyones got their quirks, right? But lately, this was starting to grind her down.
Doughnuts are lovelywhen theyre on a plate, and rarely. Preferably never. For women, these treats do far more harm than good.
Jonathans digs were coming more and more often these days, and Helen had started making herself scarce, just to dodge the comments. It was always her he meant, and everyone knew it.
Helen had been at the firm since day one. Straight out of uni, shed turned up for her interview and found chaos. The office was in a total panic because some forms had to go to HMRC, and their head accountant had broken her leg. Helen, quick-thinking as ever, got all the documents sorted in half an hour.
Thank goodness you showed up! Jonathan had sighed. That little mess landed Helen her first proper job.
Ambitious and sharp, Helen never hesitated to ask for help and to learn. She was soon deputy head accountant, and when her boss left for a quieter life with her roses and grandchildren, Helen took the reins.
Im done with numbers. Time for roses! Helen, if you could see my garden, youd say I wasted my life on balance sheets!
At first, Helen was petrified by the responsibility. But she soon got into the swing of things. She was practicalnever panicked for nothing. If she didnt know, she found a way to learn. She always got things doneand done right.
While rising up the ranks, Helen got married and had twins. She hardly missed a beatshe even dashed from the office to give birth, because, well, annual reports! In just a couple of months, she was back helping with paperwork, and after six months, she was back full-time. The grandmothers took turns with the twins. They thought the sun shone out of them, so Helen managed to balance career and family. Jonathan didnt mind her unpredictable hours; he couldn’t fault her dedication.
The only fly in the ointment for Helen was her weight. Actually, it wasnt even a problem for herbut everyone else made it so. All her life, she’d been skinny. The usualnever happy with the mirror. But after the twins, she actually started liking what she saw. Her husband, Chris, used to laugh when he caught her admiring herself:
Youre so gorgeous I should start worrying! Someone might whisk you away.
Oh sure! Perhaps with a lead, like a goat, Helen replied, embarrassed.
Her body just changed. The weight crept upand then stopped. No matter what Helen did, it just stuck there. She fretted, saw every doctor in London, but all tests said she was perfectly healthy. Eventually, Helen gave up worrying, updated her wardrobe, and got on with life. She joined in at the gym with everyone, swam at the council pool, and wouldve been happy if the office vibe hadnt turned downright oppressive.
Helen, you really must look after yourself! I remember you when you started. Now? Youre heading for illness. How much do you weigh?
Helen faltered.
Twelve stone.
Thats horrendous! For your height! Jonathan gasped. Think of your children! If you get sick, what will they do?
Helen burned with shame, silent. What was happening? It was like being at school again, being told off.
She mumbled something and rushed from Jonathans office, forgetting the documents shed brought for him to sign. Locking her own door, she finally let the tears roll, determined: Ive got to lose weight.
That evening, Chris raised an eyebrow, seeing her with a glass of skimmed milk.
Wheres dinner then?
Im on a diet. I need to lose weight.
Why? Chris looked at her, baffled.
Because now even strangers tell me I look awful. Apparently, if I carry on, my healthll suffer.
You look awful? Chris laughed. Helen, youre the most beautiful woman I know. Youre healthy as ever! Youve already spent enough on tests for an entire small country. The doctors all say youre fineeven if youve filled out a bit.
Doctors can be wrong. Chris, seriously! Please support me. I cried my heart out todayI was mortified…
Chris pulled her in, frowning. Mortified? For what?
Jonathan gave me a dressing-down. Said I was being irresponsible… about my children and everything.
Hang on! Helenwhy on earth are you letting him treat you like that? Youre an adult, not a schoolgirl.
Oh, he means well… hes just worried about my health
Weird way of showing it. Listendont you dare do anything just to please someone else. Especially about how you look. I love you as you are. Does my husbandly expert opinion count?
Helen sighed and melted a little. It counts.
Do you like yourself?
I did.
Well, lets agree youll only do what feels right for you. Sod everyone else.
Helen nodded, but the thoughtmaybe I really do need to changewouldnt let go.
Helen had always been a perfectionist, ever since she was a kid. Her mum tried to tell her she couldnt please everyone, couldnt always get straight As, couldnt always be the best. Helen just didnt get it as a girlwhats so bad about being good?
Perfectionism stuck with her, and she grew more and more reliant on other peoples opinions.
Talking with Chris helped, a little. But the very next day, Jonathan popped by and slipped a glossy brochure on her desk.
Excellent clinic. Highly recommend. Helen, please understandI want you to be happy and healthy.
No one seemed to overhear, but by the next day, whispers had started about Helen. Some quietly, some loud and in-your-faceabout how gross it was being fat, about looking after yourself. The comments snowballed, until Helen felt herself shrinking. She knew exactly whose yard those stones were landing in.
This is just disgusting! I hop out of the pool whenever some fat cow walks in. They actually smell, can you believe it? piped Olivia, Jonathans secretary.
When a woman lets herself go, shes got no self-respect! Dreadful. I dont even know how they can live like that. Can you imagine how their husbands must feel? Liz, Helens own right hand, tutted.
Not all men are gentlemen, Liz. Some must like itmust be weirdos! The rest of us want something nice to look at, Olivia giggled.
What with the snorts and giggles, Helen turned on her heel and quietly slipped back to her officeshe hadnt even made her coffee. She stayed in there the entire day. Couldnt concentrate, couldnt do anything. By three, Helen shut down her computer and gazed out at the grimy London rain. Miserablethat was the word. Well, at least last year shed finally bought a little car. No more stormy walks to the bus stop, no more missed playtimes. Tonight the boys had physio. Chris would be late, so it was just her. She gave up on workit was a hopeless day.
The twins instantly cheered her up; no way could you stay grumpy with those two. Watching Jack burst into giggles as Lily, the physio, worked his little legs, Helens mind wandered. Was Jonathan right, in a way? Should she be thinking about herself for the boys sake? Would they ever be proud of her if she didnt get a grip? They were young now and thought she was perfectbut what about down the line? Helen resolved: shed do what it took to be there for her boys, for many years to come.
Lily moved to Max and looked up.
Youre quiet today, Helen. Something up?
No, Lily. Just in one of those moodsmorbid thoughts about life, really.
Ooh, feeling philosophical at bedtime? Lily teased, grinning. A beautiful woman with such thoughtsa bit odd, dont you think?
Beautiful? Oh please, Lily. I need to lose weight, but I have no idea how. The scales wont budge. Ive done every diet under the sun, I live at the gym.
Lily tickled Maxs foot and laughed with him. No way! Youve got a fantastic figure! Not a skinny minny, but everythings in the right place. Whos telling you to lose weightChris?
Nope. He says he loves everything.
Then maybe listen to him, not the rest of them?
What makes you think I care what others say?
Just seems like it. Youve always seemed so confident. But youve been wound up lately, Helen. Snappy with the twinsnever seen that before. Is everything okay?
Helen stared at Lily, gobsmacked.
Am I really snapping at the boys?
Not quite yet, but I bet itll happen if you dont chill out. Ive seen my share of new mums worrying about their waistlines. One might fuss for a bit, then shrug it off and enjoy life. Others torture themselvesif the weight wont shift, everyones miserable. You know, the first typelife is grand. The second typeoh, the tales of woe… But its not life making them unhappy, its themselves.
Helen chewed it over. Maybe Lily was right? Maybe she was just working herself up too much.
Well, all done! Lily handed Max over. Youve got cracking kids, and theyve got a great mum. Maybe you should stop beating yourself up. Why not try something youve always wanted, but never dared? Any secret dreams?
Actually, yes! Helen froze, halfway through zipping Jacks coat. Ive always wanted to learn the tango.
Thats brilliant!
Helen wilted. But look at me. Who does tango like this?
Tangos not just for size eights, you know! Lilys laugh was so infectious, Helen found herself smiling. Just try a class. Nothing to lose, and take Chris with you for moral support!
Helen drove the boys home, singing along with them and thinking, maybe Lily was right.
Next morning, she sneaked into the office kitchen at seven, made her coffee before anyone clocked her, and hid in her office, scoping out dance clubs online. She sent the details to Chris. He texted back: Lets do ittonight if you like. Helen beamed. Something to look forward to! She picked the group for absolute beginnersno one would know what they were doing, so she wouldnt stand out for the wrong reasons.
Come midday, Helen realised she was totally fed upfed up with skulking about, with peoples glances, with justifying herself every day. That was the first flicker of change.
The next came after a few weeks of lessons. Helen and Chris were getting into the swing of itand their instructor all but begged them to perform at the end-of-term social.
Its just a partyeveryone dances for fun. You two are fab; you should definitely join in. Helen, the trainer added, Put a bit of soul into it. Usually, I say to dance from the heart for your partner, but I see that with you two, youve got all that. Theres something else holding you back. Dance your worries outthrow it into the tango. Let go!
Ill give it a go, Helen promised.
She was nervous, but looking around at the party, she relaxed. There were hardly any perfect shapes. Apart from the instructors and pros, most people were… well, just people. In fact, Helen realised she wasnt even the biggest there.
See, darling? Everythings relative, Chris whispered with a wink.
When their turn came, Helen remembered everything the instructor had said. She let all her tension go, and for the first time, danced out her pain and frustration, her sleepless nights, her hope and love for Chris. She danced the years anguish away. When the music stopped, the room was silentthen applause ballooned around them. Helen hadnt realised what was happening until Chris gave her hand a squeeze.
Take a bow, superstar! Were the stars tonight.
Helen had never, in all her life, received so many compliments. People hugged her, told her she was beautiful, wonderful. The instructor held her hands and said, Helen, tonight, you danced from the soul. Some professionals never get there. But you did. Thank you.
A week later, Helen was getting ready for another work anniversary party. Standing at the mirror, she fluttered her lashes and winked at Chris behind her.
Sure youre ready?
Absolutely.
Thats my girl! Chris kissed her neck.
Just your clever girl? she teased.
And beautiful. Lets get goingdont want to be late!
This year, Jonathan had insisted everyone bring a partner. The event rolled along as plannedJonathan gave another speech about how we ought not to neglect ourselves, how our wellbeing is key to the companys wellbeing. During the speech, he barely took his eyes off Helenwho, for the first time in ages, met his gaze with a calm, easy smile. Something in her had definitely changed.
Id now like to ask our head accountant, my rock, Helen, to make a toast!
Helen stood. Ill say my bit, she smiled, but firstI need to do something. She nodded to the band; Chris offered his hand. They stepped onto the floor. The music was dreamy, everyone watched in wonder. The way Helen and Chris danced left the crowd in awe. Whispers gave way to applause. Helen finished with a small bow, took the glass Chris passed her.
Now, for my toast. Thank you allespecially you, Jonathan, and everyone here, for all these years, particularly the last one. Because Ive learned a lot, and Im grateful. I think there comes a moment in life where you realise youve put in all you can and its time to move on. If you respect yourself, you move forwardcarry the good memories, let go of the bad, and take that step. That moments come for me. So, I want to say goodbyeand I hope youll all learn what I have: Love yourself as you are. Change, surewhen you want, not because someone else says so. Do what makes you want to live. Then life is good. Cheers! Helen toasted a stunned Jonathan. Wishing you all good health, happiness, and every success.
She drank, smiled, nodded to Chris, and headed to the lobby. When Jonathan caught up, she stopped him gently.
My notice is on your desk. Ill serve out my contract and hand over properly. I just want you to knowthis isnt because somethings lacking here. Ive just chosen to do something different.
Im so glad you finally took my advice! Jonathan beamed. Liposuction? Something more drastic?
Helen burst out laughing, linking arms with Chris. Much more drastic, really!
But why resign, then? Ill give you leave to get sortedhowever long it takes!
Jonathan, youve misunderstood. Im sorted. Theres nothing to fix. I just dont fit your criteria anymoreand Id rather set my own. She handed him her new card. Need an accountant? You know where I am.
Helen didnt tell him about how terrified shed been starting her own business, how Chris had encouraged her every step, how the boys had run up and down the empty new office, their squeals echoing. How the first clients arrived, and the team grew. She knew there was a long road ahead, but the first step was done.
Thats a shame, Jonathan shook his head. A real shame we couldnt understand each other.
Oh, I think we understood each other pretty well, actually, Helen grinned. All the best, Jonathan. You were right about one thinghealth is everything. Take care. See you tomorrowlots to do! Youll need to find my replacement. I need to finish up.
Jonathan watched her skip over puddles to her car and thought to himself, So much for a doughnutHelen strolled out into the crisp night, Chriss arm warm around her shoulders. The city lights blinked ahead, and for the first time in years, the weight she felt was nothing she wanted to losea fullness of hope, of freedom. As they walked to their car, Chris squeezed her hand, grinning sideways.
So, partner in danceand in crimewhat now?
Helen beamed. Now? We drop the boys at Nanas tomorrow. Ive got a client meeting at ten. At lunch, we try that new Turkish place. Ill see if I can keep growingmy own way this time.
And tonight? Chris nudged.
She leaned into him. Tonight, we celebrate. No counting caloriesjust counting blessings.
Back home, as Helen tucked her giggling boys into bed, she caught her own reflection by the window: bold, alive, complete. The city pulsed in the dark behind her, and Helen realized with a start she wasnt afraid anymorenot of the world, not of opinions, and certainly not of herself.
Downstairs, music drifted softly from the radio. Chris turned, opening his arms, and she laughed, stepping into them, letting herself be swept up, no audience needed. They danced, clumsy and close, the kind of tango that was theirs aloneimperfect, joyous, true.
Helen closed her eyes and thought, At last. This is living.
