Out of Place in My Own Home
Why cant you understand, Mark? Emily finally couldnt hold back. It makes me uncomfortable! It hurts that in these moments, Im the last thing on your mind!
You love your daughter? Then tell her when youre alone!
Mark stared at her, eyes wide.
Em, are you serious? Youre telling me Im not allowed to tell my own daughter I love her?
I have no idea how to answer that! Am I supposed to just give her up, then? Is that what you want?
Lily, Marks ten-year-old daughter from his first marriage, had just finished breakfast and dashed off to her room, leaving a trail of crumbs across the table.
Lils, are you done? Mark called out, not looking up.
Yes, Dad! piped up a small voice from down the hallway.
Come here, sweetheart, Mark put down his phone and flashed one of those big grins that Emily saw less and less these days.
Lily came bouncing in and hopped on his lap. She was a good kid, and Emily genuinely tried to befriend her.
They picked out clothes together, baked cookies, and Lily even shared little secrets from school with Emily.
But still
Remember what I always tell you? Mark pulled Lily into a hug, and then, loudly and clearly, looking straight at Emily for emphasis, he announced, I love you more than anyone in the world. Youre my greatest joy.
Emily felt a tight knot inside. This performance happened several times a day.
Mark, she murmured without turning to face him, Lily needs to get ready. We said wed be leaving for the park in half an hour.
One minute, Em, let us have this moment, Mark said, kissing the top of Lilys head. Love you, princess. More than anything.
Lily grinned in delight, and Emily closed her eyes.
Why does he do this?
***
After their walk in the park, when Lily had been dropped off at her mums, the couple returned to a quiet, empty flat.
Mark went straight to the kitchen, poured himself a glass of water, and asked as if nothing had happened, Whats for dinner? Should we order in? Im knackered after those climbing frames.
Emily sat across from him at the table.
Mark, we need to talk. About the way you act around Lily.
Mark froze with the bottle in his hand, his eyebrows arching.
Again? Em, weve been over this. Shes my kid, I love her. Whats the problem?
The problem isnt that you love her, Emily leaned forward. Thats normal. I like her, too.
The problem is the way you do it. These constant, I love you more than anyone in the worldand only ever when Im in the room
Mark, it makes me feel like an outsider in my own house.
Youre jealous of a ten-year-old? Mark scoffed. Honestly, Em, thats a bit much!
Maybe you need help if a dad loving his daughter gets under your skin.
Its not funny, Emily cut in sharply. Im asking you one thing. Please dont say that stuff in front of me.
You see her at school, you drive her home from her mums, you get alone time with her all the time.
Tell her in the car, or on the phone, or wherever. But can you at least spare me from having to hear it!
Mark looked so taken aback, he didnt answer straight away.
Can you actually hear yourself? Youre asking me to hide my feelings for my own daughter, just because you feel uncomfortable?
Ill say what I want, when I want!
Im your wife! Emily shouted. Im the one who cooks for her, does her laundry when shes here, and listens to her moaning about her teachers.
I do everything for your child, even though I dont have to. Im entitled to some emotional comfort, too!
Your emotional comfort ends where my relationship with my daughter begins, Mark snapped. What are you trying to do here?
Are you trying to ruin the bond I have with Lily?
No! Emily jumped up. Fine. If you cant stay quiet, lets at least compromise. You used to do it when Lily first moved in with us.
If youre going to tell her you love her, then say in the same sentence that you love me, too.
Say, Youre both my girls, I love you both. Is that so hard?
Thatll make it clear where I stand in this family. Lily will see that were a couplethat Im more than just some woman who comes and goes.
Mark stared at her, as if shed just suggested something criminal.
No, he muttered. Im not going to do that. Its just silly. Im not mixing up the love I have for my child with my feelings for you just to boost your ego.
So one sentence is silly, but ignoring my feelings for weeks is normal? Emily tried not to let tears get the better of her. I just dont want to be sidelined!
I know you love her. Tell your mum, your brother, your mates at the pubjust dont make me listen to this every time!
You really are something else, Mark turned away, making it clear the conversation was done. Jealous and ridiculous.
I thought you actually liked Lily, but clearly you were just pretending. I cant even
He stalked off to the bedroom, unwilling to continue what he clearly considered a pointless conversation.
***
They didnt say a word to one another the whole of the next day. Mark behaved as if Emily didnt exist: he watched telly, ordered himself food, and when Lily called on video, he deliberately went to the bedroom, door shutbut Emily still heard his overly sweet voice, loud as ever:
Yes, darling, I love you more than anyone, you know that
That was the last straw. As soon as Mark finished, Emily began packing her bags.
Where are you off to? he frowned, seeing her in the hall, suitcase in hand.
Im leaving. To a friends, to a hotel, it doesnt matter. Youre not listening, Mark. I cant do this
Fine, off you go then, Mark shrugged. Lets see how long you last. Youll come crawling back when you realise your rules are bonkers.
He didnt even look round when she lefthe acted as if nothing at all had happened.
***
Emily stayed with her friend, kept working, went out to the cinema, and constantly hoped for a message from her husband. But Mark didnt ring, didnt text, didnt even attempt to apologise.
Then, one day her friend said,
I saw Mark at the shopping centre yesterday, had Lily with him. He looked, honestly, a mess. Completely frazzled.
So? Emily tried to sound indifferent. He can make the most of fatherhood.
Her friend Maddie snorted.
Lily was throwing a tantrum, wanted some expensive toy. Mark looked like he was about to explode.
And do you know what she said? You said you love me more than everyone, so you have to buy it!
He went bright red, people were staring. She was screaming her head off I never realised she could be so bratty!
Emily just shrugged.
Thats what he wanted, isnt it? He wanted to be the only important person in her life. Let him deal with that.
That evening Emilys phone finally buzzeda message from Mark. He wrote that hed be over in an hour.
***
He seemed to have aged years in just a few daysEmily almost felt sorry seeing him.
They met in a café.
Hi, he sat down heavily across from her.
Hello. Hows Lily? Emily asked politely.
Lily Mark sighed. Shes at her mums. You know, Em These four days have been a nightmare.
I never noticed quite how much you did, just to keep things calm at home. To make sure Lily was happy.
So youve come to say you need a cook and a nanny back?
No, nothing like that. I kept thinking about what you said, about those declarations.
At first, I got angry, thought you wanted to ruin my bond with Lily. But yesterday, well
Yesterday, we argued and she threw my own words straight back at me!
She genuinely believes that because I tell her I love you more than everyone, it means she can demand anything.
Kids can be amazing manipulators at ten, Emily said. Especially when you keep telling them the universe revolves around them
Yeah Mark fell silent. Thing is, Ive realised its all my fault.
I was so worried that Lily would feel forgotten because of my new marriage that I went completely overboard.
Emily stayed quiet.
You were right, he finally managed. Youre my wife, the person I share my life with. If I dont make that clear to Lily, shell never respect you.
So what now? Emily arched an eyebrow.
Come back. Please. Ill speak to LilyIll explain were a family and, in this family, youre right beside me.
And I promise, no more of those performances in front of you. Ill tell Lily I love her, but Ill do it privately.
They went home together. Mark carried in her suitcase, and the first thing he did was walk up to Emily, hug her tightly, and quietly say,
I love you. Very much.
The next weekend, Lily came round again.
Emily was anxious, expecting a repeat of the old patterns, but Mark behaved differently.
He was affectionate with Lily, yes, but when she tried to butt in while he and Emily were talking, he gently stopped her.
Lils, hold onwere just going over our plans for tonight. Go and play for a bit.
That evening, as they sat on the sofa, Lily snuggled up to her dad as usual. Mark put his arm around herand with the other, pulled Emily closer.
You two are my favourite girls, he said softly. Im so glad were all together.
Lily glanced at Emily, then at her dad, grinned mischievously, and scooted closer to cuddle up to them both.
She liked her stepmum; things felt warm and easy with her.
The child never wanted to set her dad against his wife. After all, there was more than enough of Dads love to go around for both of them.
