Im fifty years old, and about a year ago, my wife walked out of our home with the children. She left while I was at work, and when I came back, the house was hollowno voices, no laughter, no one at all.
A few weeks back, I received the official letter: a demand for child support. Since then, the moneys come straight off my wages. Ive no say in the matter. No room to argue. I dont get to be late or pay a penny less. Every month, its pulled out automatically, gone before I even see it.
I wont pretend Im a saint. I was unfaithfulmore than once. I never outright lied about it, but I never truly confessed either. Shed accuse me, said I was keeping secrets or that she could see through the lies. I always claimed she was making mountains out of molehills, seeing things that werent there.
I had a foul temper, too. I shouted. Lost my rag over nothing. Whatever I said went, and if I didnt like something, you could hear it in my voice straight away. Sometimes, Id throw things about in a fit. I never laid a hand on anyone, but I frightened them more than a few times.
My children they feared me. It only hit me much too late. When I came home, they’d grow silent. If my voice was raised, they’d slip away to their rooms without a word. My wife used to tread so carefully, weighing every syllable. She would avoid rows at all cost. I used to think it was respect. Now I know it was fear.
Back then, I didnt care. I was convinced I was the breadwinner, the one in charge, the one making the rules.
When she finally left, I felt betrayed. I thought she was just being rebellious. And then I made an even bigger mistake. I decided not to give her any moneynot because I couldnt, but as a punishment. I believed shed realise her mistake eventually, that shed see she couldnt manage without me, and shed come crawling back. I told her: if she wanted the money, shed better come home. That I wouldnt support anyone who didnt live under my roof.
But she never did come back. She went to a solicitor instead. Filed for child support, handed over all the paperworkmy income, her expenses, everything. Before I knew it, the court ruled for the deductions straight from my salary.
Since then, my pay is always short. Theres no hiding anything, no way round it. The moneys gone before I even get my hands on it.
Now, I come back to an empty flat. Theres no wife. My children arent here. When I do see them, its rare, and they keep their distance. They dont say much. I know Im not wanted anymore.
Moneys tighter than its ever been. I pay rent, the support, Ive debts to clear theres barely anything left over. Sometimes it makes me angry. Sometimes I just feel ashamed.
My sister told me its all my own doing. Shes right.
