NEITHER WITH YOU, NOR WITHOUT YOU
Never make promises. About anything. Youll swear eternal love, and then life will hand you a new love, one youll be utterly powerless to refuse, Mum said, her voice full of what she thought was good sense.
Another love? Mum, hows that even possible? I think thats betraying the person you love, I responded, unable to hide my surprise.
Charlotte, perhaps it is betrayal. Perhaps its unfaithfulness. But how do I explain? Love fades. Theres no stopping it. You cant hold on, no matter how hard you try. You can find yourself completely detached from someone you once cherished, adored even. Trying to recapture what you had is as pointless as watering sand in the Sahara. Its hopeless. It happens, love something new arrives. Maybe call it a jolt, a spark. The old love simply vanishes, and new feelings take over. You dont even know why or how it happens. Suddenly, your heart ignites again and you cant fight it. Its such sweet pain addictive and destructive. How do you rein in such overwhelming passion? You meet someone who becomes your world, and the rest loses its taste. Its chemistry, pure and simple.
Describing it is impossible, like trying to explain the colour red to someone whos never seen it. Its the same with emotions, Mum sighed, eyes heavy.
I studied her face and was struck by the feeling that she was talking about herself, about some secret crush of hers.
You say the oddest things, Mum. But Ill try to understand, I said, heading for the door.
I do hope so Mum embraced me warmly before letting me go.
How could I explain to Charlotte, or even myself, that it doesnt matter how long youve been married a year, two decades? How many storms youve weathered together, or how many children youve raised? None of it matters. Suddenly this person appears and you willingly slip into their world. Then you wonder, how did I even breathe, live, without them all these years?
Mum gazed out of the window, looking utterly defeated. What now? She couldnt forget this man. He was here now, and there was no undoing it. He was a splinter in her heart that couldnt be removed, not even by a therapist. This was love, plain and simple.
Im not at fault. I wasnt looking for anyone. Edward found me. He wont let go. I tried to leave so many times, but it never worked. His touch sends shivers down my spine. It must be fate. So be it.
Mum decided not to tell Dad about her plans to leave. She would quietly pack her things and move to another city with Edward, where they would set up house together. Edward had been asking for a while their love had settled, matured.
Dad, she thought, might figure it out. Lately, shed been keeping her phone on her at all times, even tucking it under her pillow at night or taking it into the shower.
Dads clever hell realise.
My daughter is so proper. She chose her husband and that was that. No running off, no detours. Charlotte follows her husband like a shadow. Not a crack in their marriage. She had a son, poured her heart into him. Hes not much like her a real handful. But thats all right, life sorts things out.
Mum finally packed up, ready to head off to her lover for good.
But life had its own adjustments to make, and it did so ruthlessly, with all the sting of a nettle. My father had a stroke, collapsing in on himself, as helpless as a little child.
Once, facing trouble side by side meant it was only half as bad. Now? Mum was torn, caught between her love for Edward and duty to Dad. Phone calls with Edward were all she had. There were moments of despair so complete she couldnt even feel love or desire. Everything was turned upside down.
She pitied Dad terribly, but she couldnt forget Edward her feelings only intensified with time. When I saw what that was doing to her, I told her,
Mum, Ill look after Dad. Go live your life.
She broke down in tears and hugged me tightly.
Thank you, Charlotte. Wise girl, you are.
That very evening, Mum stood at the station, awaiting her train.
Her reunion with Edward was everything shed imagined: tears of joy, hungry kisses, conversation about nothing and everything.
Hello, darling, she murmured, clinging to Edward, not wanting to ever let go.
Charlotte, Ive missed you so much, he whispered, kissing her hand.
That night was pure dream unending, breathless. Wild passions, long-awaited closeness, skin on skin, the sheets a silent witness.
Where was the sky? Where the earth? It all melted away. As if it could be the last time
Oh, how shed needed that uncertain, trembling meeting.
And three days later, Mum sat by the bedside of her paralysed husband, dabbing away their tears and her own with a tissue
Sometimes I think love isnt a matter of fate, but a painful choice with no good answer. And I learned that life rarely fits into the rules we make all we can do is try our best to be honest with ourselves and, if were lucky, with those we love.
