YOU COME ROUND…
On the way to the chapel, I suddenly felt queasy.
My legs buckled beneath me, darkness crept into my vision. I was meant to climb the narrow, winding lane up the hill, but every ounce of strength had melted away.
I stepped aside from the pathway, slumping down wearily, then simply lay flat on the grass. My friend Emily tucked her rucksack beneath my head.
People strolled past, casting curious looks at me sprawled on the ground, then continued their steady ascent towards the ancient chapel.
Someone offered me a tablet. I parted my lips without a word, surrendered it beneath my tongue, not caring what the tablet was called. I felt utterly indifferent.
Everything seemed to ease a little.
But the hill no longer called to me.
Emily and I followed the stream that trickled through the dip in the hills, meandering back to our little inn.
Still in my clothes, I slumped across my narrow bed.
A dull sadness overcame me, puzzling and raw. “Why wouldn’t God let me set foot in His house? Barred me from entering. As if to say, Step aside, Harriet, let those pure souls come through. As for you, sinner, lie there on the roadside and mull over your choices”
“Tea, Harriet? Fancy a cuppa?” Emily’s anxious eyes studied my drooping face.
“Thank you, Em, but maybe later.” I closed my eyes and exhaled deeply.
“Just look at Emily,” I thought. “Ah, shes lived. Husbands, flings, one after another, never settled, and doesnt mourn her lack of children. Truly, shes done it alland still, she trekked to this chapel. Perhaps she dreads hell. We all want to glimpse heaven, dont we? Revel through life, then beg forgiveness just before the curtains fall. But who knows, maybe you wont get the chance”
I felt a pang of pity for my friend. She was good-hearted, always there with a kind word. Nobody could tame her wild spirit. Vain, spiritedcross her even slightly and shed have none of it. And really, no one is irreplaceable.
Yet, sometimes her pillow is soaked with tears. Forty-four years, and still she hasn’t found her harbour, just drifting endlessly from wave to wave
Yet she yearns for love! The kind that scorches and consumes, something from another realm.
Shes forever chastising me. “Just one husband, two kids, endless family dinners, non-stop cookingdull as dishwater!”
“Harriet, take a look around. Men are drawn to you like moths to a flame. Try love for once! Youll always land back with your Tom. Hell take you, however you come. At least youll know real passion. Stop moping around in your tidy nest! Let yourself go, love. You wont regret it.”
Oh, the last thing I want now is all that passion! Honestly, I dont want it anymore.
I had my Daniel once. Loved him with the force of a tempest.
Fate swept me into his orbit. We lost ourselves in a two-year whirlwind. My husband guessed, but never a word.
Wickedly enough, I even considered leaving Tom.
My lover made me dizzy, I was powerless to refuse him. Encounters so electric they left me trembling, breathless, heart pounding. He truly set me alight.
No describing it.
Yet I managed to walk awayloving him.
I went back home. Sometimes, I still wonder why. With Daniel, there were tiny, ceaseless moments of happiness.
Tom
My feelings for him long since faded. But once, oh, how fiercely I loved! Hed take my breath away.
Now, all that’s left is pity. Its your own fault, dear husband. You drank my love awaywhat do you expect?
So yes, I was thoroughly lost then. Not a word to Emily about my lover, though. She still thinks me a paragon. If only she knew
And still the Lord barred me from His chapel
A mark upon me, perhaps.
It was cruelly hard to forget Daniel. We were twin souls, understanding each other in barely a look, half a sentence
I doubt I could ever erase him from my memory. Everything was so wild, so ravenous
It only comes once in a lifetime.
Do you wish you could live it again, Harriet? DO YOU? Oh, you
Emily, put the kettle onIm feeling better, Harriet declared, wrapping an arm tight round her friend.
And over the gentle clink of cups, a thought soundedsharp, vividin my mind: “Make peace within yourself, sweetheart. Wash your spirit clean. I love you. Find love for yourself. And do come round”
