Betrayal
Natalie always believed herself to be one of those women who valued her own worth. She wanted her life neatly arranged, convinced only order could ward off sorrow and disaster. Her husband, Tom, would often laugh at her careful planning, but today he decided to challenge her views.
Come on, Nat, Tom began, gazing into his wifes eyes. Can anyone really live by the rules? Lifes so unpredictable and sly. The moment you swear off something, trouble finds you anyway. Natalie, at the time, had no idea what betrayal lurked behind her back.
Its not only possible, but necessary, she answered. No misfortune comes, so long as you live honestly and with integrity.
Maybe so, Tom replied, but sometimes things happen outside our control. Or we act on impulse, and even good people can make mistakes. They follow a fleeting desire and regret it later. He chuckled, masking the anxiety in his voice. Cheating wasnt in his plansit just happened. Tom didnt feel guilty, but the fear that Natalie might discover the truth kept him awake at night.
Natalie didnt notice her husbands nervousness, simply shrugging. There are all sorts of mistakes. You should always use your head before acting. I would never harm myself chasing a whim. And Ive never understood those who live solely by their emotions.
But whats the point of living, Tom protested, if you cant occasionally indulge in harmless folly?
Natalie shot him an amused look. A bit of foolishness is fine, as long as nobody gets hurt.
Tom almost blurted out that infidelity was one of those harmless mistakes, but stopped himself in time.
Youre too strict, Tom went on. Say, if I cheated, would you try to understand me?
Natalies smile faded. Id leave you straight away, she declared, not giving herself a moment to consider otherwise. It’s betrayal, not some silly error. Its a crime against the family. I think youd throw me out, tooand youd be right. I should get ready; its time to pick up Timothy from nursery.
But suppose I did cheatand you accepted it. What kind of situation would that take?
Tom stared at her, wanting more than ever to confess his recent lapse. He wanted Natalie to understand, perhaps even forgive. At least, he hoped shed try, rather than react so firmly.
If I accepted your infidelity, Natalie said, then Id be betraying myself. And I cant do that. Otherwise, its weaknessweakness of spirit.
Tom imagined the divorce, dividing the house, fighting over their sonhe abandoned any confessional plans. He hoped the secret would remain.
Natalie had a bad habit of judging everyone by her own standards. It never occurred to her that Tom could be capable of such treachery. That meant, so long as he kept quiet, she would remain blissfully unaware.
Distracted by other worriesTimothys recent illness or her sisters messy divorceNatalie lived by her principles and beliefs. She was happy, but hardships were never far, especially now with what her younger sister Julia was going through. Julia had spent five years with her husband. Everything was fine except one thingthey couldnt have a child. Arguments became frequent and eventually, led to their split. Natalie genuinely sympathised with her sister. Julia had always been a good wife, a wonderful sister, and a dutiful daughter. She sought medical help endlesslydiagnoses centred around her low chances for pregnancy. Her husband, convinced the fault lay with Julia, refused even basic tests. He would blame her each time, never questioning his own part. The final blow was his confessionhe had another woman, healthy and able to bear children. Julia filed for divorce.
Since theyd bought their flat with pooled resources, and Julia no longer wanted to live under the same roof as her betrayer, Natalie welcomed her into her own home until the dust settled. Never did Natalie imagine her sister would thank her in such an unexpected way. Maybe Julia acted out of desire for revenge, maybe stress made her reckless, but its doubtful she considered the pain she might cause. Tom, as he admitted later, simply wanted to comfort the poor woman. He lost his head and never thought about consequences, succumbing purely to impulse.
Natalie learned about their betrayal from Julia herself. Unlike Tom, Julia found the courage to confess everything, no embellishments.
Something just came over me. I thought, maybe itll workmaybe Ill finally become a mother. And yes, I was angry at my ex-husband, Julia stroked her growing stomach, hiding her eyes in shame. She felt like a traitor, but also experienced joyshe was finally going to have a child.
When Natalie heard Julias confession, she felt something crack insidethe shelf, so to speak, where she meticulously arranged her life came crashing down.
Julia, seeing her sister turn pale, began to apologise and cry. Natalie didnt throw her out immediately, and only for one reasonunlike Tom, Julia at least had the guts to admit her wrongdoing. Tom stubbornly denied everything.
For a time, Natalie struggled to recover. She felt as though Tom and Julia had tied a tight ribbon around her neckshe couldnt breathe. Sleep was fitful. Ugly thoughts haunted her. When she finally drifted off, nightmares would torment her. She woke exhausted and lost. She admitted, with horror, that she had no idea how to carry on. Despite her reputation as a capable leader, respected for sound decisions, Natalie couldnt manage her own life, couldnt bear another day in the grip of thoughts that tormented her worse than any hard labour. Life was becoming a bad dream she couldnt wake from.
Julia gave birth to a son, naming him Matthew after their grandfather. Their parents disapproved of Julias actions, yet masked their sorrow with happinessat least Julia had become a mother. Tom now lived with Julia in a rented flat, although he hadnt stopped thinking about Natalie and his son, Timothy. Natalie wouldn’t let Tom see Timothy, figuring it was better that waybetter for whom, she couldnt say. Eventually, she gave in to Timothys wish to see his father. The whole affair felt surreal.
Then came an even greater tragedy. Matthew had just turned two when Julia and Tom were involved in a terrible accident. It happened in wintera patch of ice sent their car spinning into oncoming traffic, straight under a lorry. They never stood a chance.
Natalie heard the news with indifference. It seemed as if strangers had died, not those closest to her. She felt neither spite nor pity. Whether they were alive or not, it made no difference. An emptiness settled in her soul. Timothy cried for his father, and Natalie wanted desperately to shake himtelling him not to shed tears for such a traitor. But rather than follow her rigid principles, she listened to her emotions. It took immense self-control to accept her childs feelings and comfort him in his grief. Instead of shouting, she embraced him, kissed and held him close. Timothy clung to his motherhe needed to know he wasnt alone. After the tears, he soon fell asleep against her chest, feeling safe.
Natalies parents nearly lost their mindsand might have done, if not for Matthew. Natalie couldn’t imagine what it was like for them; theres no worse pain than losing a child. Its an axiomno one should endure such horror.
Natalie wanted to shake her parents, shout at them not to bury themselves in sorrow. Look, here I am, and Timothy toowere alive. As for Matthew, Natalie bluntly declared he belonged in foster care. To her, he was nothing but the fruit of sina misbegotten child.
Her mother was having none of it. What foster home? How can you say such a thing? she cried. I would rather die than know my grandson was in such a place.
She begged Natalie to help with guardianship, but Natalie refused. She wanted Matthew out of their lives for good. Everything about him irritated herhis laughter, his babbling, his footsteps, his crying (now frequent without his mothers love). On one visit, Matthew hugged Natalies leg. She pushed him away, but he just got up and grabbed her leg again.
Ma, ma he babbled.
Natalie shoved him harderhe fell, hurt himself, cried, but rose again to cling to her.
Her mother was distraught. Hes not to blame! Why are you so harsh? Why?
Natalie swept the boy aside, marching past him as if shed brushed off dirt.
He is to blame! He was born. Hes the living proof of sin. I just cant understand your attachment to you know what they call children like that. Do you need all this trouble in your old age?
Her mother calmed her grandson, settled him for the night, then returned to Natalie. This time, she didnt plead. Likely, she understood that you cant force someone to love.
She walked round the table and did the last thing Natalie expectedshe knelt and begged forgiveness for Julias and Toms sins. Natalie felt a lump rise in her throat and quickly raised her mother from the floor. Her mother, overcome with emotion, kept apologising for something she hadnt done. Only then did Natalie understand how important Matthew was to her motherand it was clear they would never see eye to eye.
Since then, Natalie visited her parents less and less. Everything changed with her fathers illness and her mothers emergency hospitalisation. Surgery was neededand the question arose: who would look after Matthew while her mother was in hospital? Natalie wanted nothing to do with it, fury choking her. Taking care of a child who should never have been born felt like self-betrayal. Yet, she gave in, remembering how her mother knelt out of love for Matthew.
Matthew behaved well, always trying to climb on Natalies lap. Timothy gladly played games with him. Natalie reminded herself to be patientshe had no intention of getting involved. Feed him, keep him clean, make sure he sleptnothing more.
By evening, Matthew grew fussy. Natalie struggled not to snap at him. His crying only intensified. Timothy tried to distract his half-brother, but nothing worked.
Reluctantly, suppressing her distaste, Natalie finally lifted Matthew into her arms.
Dont expect to be held all the time, she scolded. I wont let you manipulate me. Youre only here because I felt sorry for your grandmotherthats all. First and last time.
Matthew didnt understand her words. He calmed down, rested his head on her chest, and sighed contentedly. He knew nothing of her turmoil; he just felt safe. He hugged her tightly, afraid she might change her mind.
You shouldnt even have been born. Because of you, trouble after trouble, Natalie thought, and shame stabbed at her heart. She shouldnt say such things to a child. I wish Julia had taken you with her that day
Natalie spoke aloud what shed been thinking for agesand the horror of it made her hands tremble. Only then did she understand she didn’t really mean it. Matthew looked up and smiled, simply glad to be held. Natalie felt tears slide down her cheeks one after the other. She wanted to slap herselfthe disgust was overwhelming. What had the child done? What could he possibly say in reply? Who would defend him?
Natalie hugged Matthew, refusing to let go for the rest of the evening. Timothy, thrilled, helped make up the bed.
Once both boys were settled for the night, Natalie reflected on her earlier conversation with Tom.
Now, Matthew didnt seem so much the embodiment of evil, as shed always believed. Instead, she felt monstrous for never seeing him as a personan innocent who knew nothing of adult intrigues, a victim with no fault.
She sat in the chair in the childrens room and closed her eyes. Matthew was an orphan, cared for by her mother. Today, her mother had the strength, but tomorrow What future could Matthew have? Did he deserve it?
Natalie didnt know any answers. But she knew one thingshe was ready to betray her own principles. Yet now she saw it not as weakness, but as strength.
Matthew was no longer a stranger to her.
