Perhaps it sounds a bit harsh, but I never signed up for having to make these sorts of decisions. My husband is an only child; his parents werent especially doting, but they did their dutyraised him, sent him to good schools, and then kept a respectful distance from his adult life. My relationship with my mother-in-law has never been particularly close, but weve never argued eithertheres been no reason to. She gave me little gifts from time to time, never interfered, and I appreciated that she was content to focus on her own affairs. Shed pitch in and help when needed, and things just chugged along.
Everything changed after my father-in-law passed away. My mother-in-law, whos now over 80, has grown frail, although she remains a strong-willed woman, but shes withdrawn and has become increasingly emotional. Shes bored, whingey, and terrified of being alone. But I cant bring myself to invite her to live with us.
If we dont take her in, then well have to hire a carer and pay for the help, or else find her a good care home. Im not talking about a council-run place, but a private one, and thats where it gets difficult.
Our choices are to let her move in with us, or both work away just to afford a carer or the fees of a decent home.
But I dont want her living here, not for selfish reasons but because I have my own mother to think about. Shes just as old as my mother-in-law. Mum kept herself fit all her life, never overindulged, kept active, and so far shes doing remarkably well. But that wont always be the case, and if I bring my mother-in-law to live with us, what happens when my own mother needs help?
And if we ever end up with both mothers in our home, well, wed be run raggedanyone whos cared for the elderly knows what I mean.
Earning enough to pay for two private carers or two places in a home isnt a real solution either.
Its a shame that we never came up with a gentle and dignified way to resolve this. My husband has just stepped back, assuming Ill sort it all out.
First, you work your socks off in your twenties and thirties just to get by; then you bring up your own children, and then you get to enjoy being a grandparent for a minute. Just when it feels like you might have a little time to yourself, your elders need you. In the end, most of our lives are spent meeting other people’s needs, arent they?
Still, I cant accept the idea of having my mother-in-law in our house. And shes already creating dramashe hasnt even moved in yet and its already throwing everything off balance.
