Her Own Place
Mum, what are you doing?! Ellens eyes brimmed with tears as she watched her mother toss her meagre possessions from the wardrobe. Her favourite red polka-dot dress was flung carelessly onto the carpet, instantly attracting her younger brothers attention. Simon, barely a toddler, grabbed the belt and stuffed it in his mouth. No, Simon! Give it back, please!
Oh, for heavens sake, its just a rag! snapped Natalie, hurling a pair of Ellens jeans onto the growing pile and slamming the wardrobe doors shut. Out. I want you gone!
But, Mum! Where am I supposed to go? And at this hour? Have you lost your mind?
Ill do as I please! This is my house! Natalies face was hard, her arms stiff with anger. And you dont belong herenot anymore.
Ellens voice trembled. But isnt this my home, too?
No, darling. Not anymore. Nothing here belongs to you now. Natalie scooped Simon into her arms and, with a callous sweep of Ellens dress, wiped the boys nose. Enough of your cheek! My lifes only just getting back on track, and I wont have you ruin it! Out!
Mum, what am I ruining? Explain to me!
Oh, you know full well! Dont play the innocent. Who keeps flirting with Victor, eh? Not you?
Mum! The word came out in a scream, making Simon jump and wail in fright. Do you even hear yourself? Do you know what youre saying?
Natalies voice was icy. Perfectly well. No more. Out in five minutes or Ill throw you out myself!
She kicked the door open and stormed out. Ellen stood frozen, the enormity of it all sinking in. She had just been kicked out of her own home. Her thoughts scattered and wild, she grasped for somethinganythingto keep her steady, but nothing would come. Simons anguished sobs sounded from behind the closed door, breaking through her shock. Reflexively, Ellen moved towards it, her old sense of duty tugging at her heart: quiet him, distract him, protect him. Her mothers new husband, Victor, loathed childish tears or anything to do with the boy. Ellen, who had grown up in a home filled with affection, no longer understood the woman her mother had become. Instead of comforting her son, Natalie would simply shove him into Ellens arms and retreat to her husband.
Look after him! Youre old enoughtime to help out! Natalie would snap before vanishing.
Old enough Only yesterday she was her parents pampered little girl, and now, as her mother liked to say, she was cut off. In the two years since her fathers death, their family had changed beyond recognition, events whirling past so fast Ellen barely knew herself.
Her father, struck suddenly by a heart attack, had died alone at a bus stopa young man, not yet fifty, still smart in a business suit. He lay collapsed for over an hour, passersby hurrying about their own urgent business, no one stopping, not even to check if he was alright. Some probably assumed he was drunk, lying there in November chill. By the time a kind woman finally touched his shoulder, willing to help, it was already too late.
Ellen remembered how her mother reactedshe simply froze, absent, hollow-eyed, locked away within herself. No tears; Ellen wept alone, desperate to break through, but her mother couldnt or wouldnt hear her. Natalie buried her husband in silence, then barricaded herself in her bedroomforgetting she had a daughter who was now utterly alone.
They had no relatives and the parents friends had long since drifted away, only resurfacing for Christmas or a summer party before disappearing again. We have a strong family, Ellen remembered her father saying. Thats all we need. For a while, shed believed it, even resenting visitors as a childwhy disrupt their peaceful world?
That all changed when Ellen went to primary school. There were more girls than boys in her class and she was seated with Marjoriesmall, sharp, and energetic, with thick dark plaits heavy enough to force her chin high. Ellen envied her hairher own light, wild curls stuck up in all directions, no matter how hard her mother tried to tame them. From the first day, she was nicknamed Dandelion.
Two days in, Marjorie, annoyed by her own hair, growled, Fed up! Ill just cut them off, even if mum moans. For the first time, Ellen reached over and stroked the silky plait. Are you mad? Its beautiful!
From that moment, their friendship began. Marjorieor Midge, as the class called herbecame her closest friend.
Marjorie came from a large, bustling family. Ellen was stunned the first time she visited, stepping into the chaotic, sprawling Victorian house at the end of a long row. Children and elders filled every room. Marjories mother would welcome anyone instantly, shooing them to the table and feeding them till they could barely move. Marjories siblings, regardless of age, always looked out for each otherthe eldest brother would sit beside them to explain fractions, while her older sister taught them how to bake. Even the youngest girls could whip up a pie in minutes, while Ellen was never allowed near the cookerher mother said she was too young.
Inside Marjories home, Ellen realised how wonderful friends and extended family could bea place of laughter, gifts even on ordinary days, ribbons and toffees regardless of occasion. Why arent these for Marjories birthday? Ellen had asked, wide-eyed, and Marjorie had shrugged, Why wait? If you love someone, make them smileno matter the reason.
Ellens mother disapproved of the friendship, never liking Marjorie, let alone her raucous household. Fortunately, Natalie worked long hours; Ellen could eat a hasty lunch at home and then dart off again, welcomed by warmth and pie in Marjories kitchen. Ellen breathed more easily in that house; she felt wanted.
When her father died, it was Marjories family who sent the eldest brothers straight over. They brought hundreds of pounds, rallied neighbours, handled all the paperwork, and saw Ellen and her mother through the worst days. Natalie took no partshe did what she was told, glaring resentfully, but it was Marjories brothers who guided them from start to finish.
Of course we help, Marjorie said afterwards. Youre not a stranger. After all, there arent any men in your house now. Someone had to step up.
Six months later, Marjorie was married off. Are you mad? Ellen demanded when she heard. What about university? You still want to be a doctor, dont you?
I do. Dad and my fiancé sorted everything. Ill study; well manage.
But why so soon? Are you madly in love?
Marjorie looked at her in surprise. Ive met him maybe a couple times. Love? Not yet. But it happens after.
Ellen stared. Youre joking. Thats medieval! Dont you choose whom to love?
Its just how it is for us. Parents choose. They want the best for us.
When Marjorie moved to London with her new husbandhis parents had bought them a flat thereEllen sobbed as they hugged goodbye.
How will I survive without you?
And me? If youre desperate, just come. Well figure it out.
Already, Ellens mother had taken up with Victor. Marjorie watched, worried, as Ellen tried to avoid going home, making excuses to stay late at college or work. She could hardly admit that Victor would linger in the hallways or the kitchen, or that her mother now eyed her with suspicion. Natalie had become unbearable, especially after Simon was born. Doors had to be locked. Ellen loved her brother, but sleepless nights pacing the floor had taken their toll; once, she even fainted at college.
Unable to finish her courses, Ellen began working nights at the hospitalat least she didnt have to go home for days at a time. After she saw Marjorie off, returning late, the row with her mother exploded. Years of tension burst out, but Natalie wouldnt listen. Youre nothing but trouble! shed yell.
The final blow was the neighbour, pinching Simons cheek as Natalie watched. What lovely children you have, Natalie! Pity their father didnt live to see it! Ellens a real beautyshell be snapped up in no time! Shes always off to school or work. But its time she found her own life.
What in those words set Natalie off? Who knew. But that was the day Ellen was thrown out. Now she stuffed her clothes into a holdall, mind racingwhere could she go? What place would ever be hers? There were no answers. She thought of calling Marjorie, but what could she possibly do with a baby on the way and a degree to finish? Ellen glanced round her room one last time, grabbed a photo of her dad, shoved it into her bag, wiped her tears and headed for the hallway.
The kitchen TV blared; pans clattered as Natalie banged about making tea. Ellen paused outside the kitchen door, uncertain. What could she possibly say? Was there anything left to forgive?
No. Enough was enough. Once, this was home, and once her mother had loved herbut not anymore.
Outside, darkness had settled. Ellen shivered, wrapping her scarfMarjories last Christmas gifttighter around her neck. Autumn had caught the city by surprise; she passed the odd couple trudging home, one still in shorts, another already zipped into a parka. Shed put on her thickest coat this morning and felt a small, bitter relief that she wouldnt have to return for warm clothes. Her small, angry sorrow pressed at her chest like a feral creature, but she fought it downnow was not the time. She just needed to work out what to do next.
Only a stray mongrel and two late commuters shared the deserted bus stop. Ellen rested her bag on the bench, cold hands buried in her pockets.
A car pulled up with a jolt, making her step back in fear. Who could it be at this hour? Just then, the window rolled down.
Ellen?
Arthur! Ellen almost fell to pieces in relief. Marjories eldest brotherthe same Arthur whod once explained algebra and later helped bury her father.
What are you doing here, love? Off to work?
Not exactly. Wellyes. Sort of. I probably should head to the hospital, actually.
Arthur peered at her, worry in his eyes. Youre hiding something. Why are you out here with a bag?
Before she could stop herself, Ellen poured everything outher mother, Victor, the shouting, the fact she had nowhere left to go.
I see, said Arthur simply. Get in. He opened the passenger door, and after a moments hesitation, Ellen obeyed, expecting him to drop her at the hospital.
They drove in silence through the sleepy city, all her tension seeping away in the warmth of the car. She sat perfectly still, determined to hold on to these moments of quiet. Her mothers bitter words still echoed in her mind: You dont belong here.
Ellen only realised they werent heading for the hospital when the car turned in the opposite direction. Arthur, where are we going?
Spending the night at the hospital, are you?
Well. Yes.
And tomorrow? Whats the plan?
I I dont know.
I do. Were going somewhere else.
Where?
Youll see.
Arthurs car rolled through the gates of a tidy block in a leafy part of town. The security guard gave him a nod. Inside, Arthur guided her up to the third floor, paused in front of a heavy oak door and rang the bell.
After what felt like an age, the door opened to reveal the largest woman Ellen had ever seen.
Arthur! she welcomed, pulling him in for a hug. And without even a warning!
But soon Ellen realised it wasnt her sizeit was simply the cut of her dress and her impressive stature. And whos this with you? Oh, dont tell meI know you! Youre Marjories friend, arent you? I remember you from the wedding! Come in, dear, youre no stranger heredont make me cross!
Ellen stepped over the threshold into a warm, rich hallway tiled in marble, crystal chandeliers sending rainbow light everywhere. While she gaped, Arthur leaned in to whisper something to the womana quick nod, and he was gone, leaving Ellen alone.
Still clutching her bag, she hovered awkwardly.
The woman beckoned her through. What are you doing in the corridor, love? Come in, take off your coat. Ill make us a proper coffee and you can tell me why such a beautiful girls wandering the city at night. You havent got a home? No mother?
Not anymore, Ellen choked, sinking onto the nearest seat and bursting into bitter, childlike sobs. The woman paused just a second, then enveloped her in warm arms, soothing her with gentle words and a firm hand stroking Ellens hair.
There, there, my dear. Oh, its alright. How could life be so cruel to you? Dry your tearsthings will work out, youll see! The woman rocked her, her arms sturdy and protective. Come on, lets have a cup of coffee. Ill make you my special blend. It wont make the sadness disappear, but sometimes you just need enough peace to breathe again. Thats all. Come on, lets go.
Ellen found herself in an airy, gleaming kitchen, sipping bitter coffee from a delicate cup. The woman introduced herself as Agnes. Thats what my family always called me, back in the old country. I was just like younaïve, looking after my little sisters and brother. We had our own place, far from here.
She paused, her eyes shadowed. But I lost them. My parents, my elder sister. I never got to bury them.
Why? Ellen whispered.
Agness voice dropped, a hush settling. Youve no idea what its like to come home and find strangers declaring you no longer belong. They say you cant remember, cant speak your own words anymore, that you have no place left here… and youre meant to just accept it. My father, clever as he was, had built a little hideaway cupboard for us children with a secret exit. When the men came, he shoved us in there and blocked the door. Thats what a parents love can do, you see? Remember that, Ellendont cling to the nastiness your mother said. Sorrow warps people. It scours out their heartseven loving ones.
Agnes wiped her eyes. I lost everything, but I still kept going. I raised my sisters and brother, started again. Marjorie and Arthur? Theyre my brothers grandchildren. Everyone youve mettheyre my family. And soon Marjories bringing another little treasure into the world. She gave a shaky laugh.
Why do you live alone now?
I scream in my sleep, Agnes shrugged. Didnt want to frighten anyone. Better to visit often, but live here. I want them to be happylet them live with joy, not shadows.
And children of your own?
No time. Had to raise these ones. She fell silent.
Is that all? Ellen asked gently.
Agness gaze shifted. Youre sharp. I loved one of the men who took my home away. Madly. Would have gone with him, if hed asked. But he didnt Lifes like that, sometimes. She gave Ellen a long, searching look. You must rememberany strength I had came from others. Their love buoyed me. Now my strength will help you. This is your place, until the day I hand you on to a family of your own. Understood? Dont you dare crytheres plenty ahead, I promise! Ill teach you everything, just like I taught Marjorie. Theres no shame in learning, only pride.
Agnes laughed gruffly. You look terrifiedand well you should be!
Agnes kept her word. Two years later, Ellen could bake and cook better than Marjorie herself, whod come to visit and devour tiny pies, licking her fingers.
These are better than mine! What did you put in the filling? Marjorie grinned, eyeing her friend. How are you, truly?
Pretty well, all thanks to Auntie Agnes. Without her… Id be lost.
Oh, dont praise meyoull make me too proud for Heaven! Agnes called, bustling about at the cooker.
Im only telling the truth.
Ellens intonation was so like Agness, Marjorie burst out laughing.
Youve become just like hershes trained you well!
Not yet, Agnes retorted with sudden seriousness as she poured coffee and left the kitchen.
Whats up? Marjorie asked, concerned.
Ellen hesitated, but the look in her friends eyes made her sigh. Mums ill.
Is it serious?
Ellen nodded. Very. She was in my hospitalso I know all of it.
Havent you visited?
No. I cant bring myself to go.
Marjorie jumped up. Ellen! Listen to mewhat if you cant see her when you finally want to? Or forgive her? Itll be too late!
Dont shout. I know. But I just cant. After what she didif Arthur hadnt passed by that night, or if not for Agnes, where would I be now? Did Mum care when she chose Victor over me or Simon? He left her the minute she got sickabandoned her and his own son!
Marjorie gasped. Wheres Simon?
In foster care. I cant get him backIve got a job but nowhere to live. Even with every penny I save, I cant afford my own flat.
Cant you go back to your mums?
She discharged me from the property. Social services need paperwork to let me have Simon, but I havent got it. Oh, Marjorie, I dont know what to do… I cant sleep, worrying about him every night.
If you cared that much you wouldnt be sitting here, Marjorie snapped, rising. Come on. Were going.
Where?
To the hospital!
Why?
Isnt your mum still there?
No. Shes been sent home.
Then lets go to your place.
I dont want to reconcile with her!
You dont have toits her turn to do that! Think about Simon. Did anyone think of you? No. And look how that feels.
In the end, Ellen found peace with her motheronly two days before Natalie passed. Haggard and changed utterly, Natalie finally, quietly, asked for forgiveness, and Ellen nursed her those last months, racing through paperwork, shoving her hurt aside for Simons sake. In those final moments, she recalled nothing from that terrible night of their breakbut the memory of a sunlit morning, when she was five or six, and her beautiful mother in a red dress feeding her cherries, golden and sweet, everything wrapped in lost happiness. And as peace filled her, Ellen whispered the words that needed saying:
I forgive you, Mum
And the lesson Agnes had shared took root at last:
Let go of grudges, Ellendrive them out, or theyll poison every joy and block out the light. Its not easy, I know, but you need it more than the one youre forgiving.
A week later, clutching his sisters hand, Simon gazed around their new home.
Is it forever now, Ellen? Is this truly home?
Ellen smiled, holding him close. Yes, little one. This is our home now. Our very own placedo you understand?
And Simon nodded, earnest and grave, and Ellen knew at last that everythingfinallywas right and in its place.
