A Suitcase Without a Handle
What more could you possibly want? We already practically live together. Why do you want all this? Youre longing for a ring and a certificate, is that it? Is that more important than my love? More important than everything Ive ever done for you? Simons voice rose, floating peculiarly through the air, while Alice carefully put the iron onto its stand, as if afraid that, at any moment, her patience might start leaking out like steam.
I never mentioned any rings or certificates. I simply asked what comes next, Simon? Weve been living together for nearly six years now.
So? Loads of people spend their whole lives that way. No ties, no obligations, nothing to bind them. They love in freedom, without caring whos watching or what people say. Who needs all these silly formalities anyway? I dont, probably. Do you? Do you, Alice?
Alice felt an explosion brewing inside her, so she hung up Simons last shirt and quietly left the room.
This wasnt the first time theyd swirled around this conversation. Alice would never have even brought it up, but the first time ended in a spectacular row, resulting in them not speaking for half a year. Back then, shed nearly made her peace, decided things were over. She was never good at working things out, and every time she tried to stand her ground, teary eyes betrayed her at the worst possible moment. Alice was a crier from childhood, the sort who sobbed when others laughed. Why she was like that, neither she nor her parents ever knew. Her mum would get cross, lecturing about bravery, but her dad just smiled and said,
My little weeper! At this rate, well never need to water the houseplants again. Just call Alice over, eh? So, who upset you this time?
The reason could be anything. When it turned out Alice cried because she felt sorry for the fly Mum swatted in the kitchenbecause the fly might have had babiesher parents burst out laughing. Then Alice would pour real tears in earnest, because, honestly! No-one understood her.
The childish triggers faded with age, but the tears never left. Alice wept at books, sobbed at TV dramas. Watching someone help an elderly lady across the street, or a man rescue a kitten from a tree, could reduce her to a puddle. It was just so moving.
That was precisely what she was doingshedding pale tears at the golden leaves tumbling in the parkwhen Simon first saw her.
Simon was a stern sort. Hard not to be, really, with three older sisters and a determined mother and grandmother all bent on making him a proper man. And men dont cry, not even by accident! Hed understood that early on: tears were for girls, and smart girls didnt cry. Smart girls punched back and carried on living. At least, thats what Simons sisters did. They could handle themselvesand any bullies bothering little Simon too. No one noticed this in nursery, but in primary school, the sniggering began, and Simon demanded his mum take him to wrestling lessons. There was only a karate club nearby though, same one as his sisters used, so Simon flatly refused to join in.
His sisters teased him, until their grandmother stepped in:
How do you expect him to become his own man with three harpies always flapping around him? Hell never learn to defend himself or sort his own messes. And you laugh? Shame on you!
Simons sisters adored him, so they hushed up and pretended it was only banter.
Soon enough, next to their medals and trophies, Simon began winning his own. His collection wasnt grand, but it was his.
After a few bloody noses and a broken hand in a fight, Simon finally became one of the lads. The teasing stopped, and his sisters let him get on with it, turning to their own lives.
He had learned early on that women werent helpless. This is probably why, when, at their first meeting, he asked, Who upset you? Do I need to sort anyone out? and Alice simply shook her head and said,
Its just so lovely
That was all it took for Simon to see not another fierce sister-clone, but a delicate, gentle soul, quite new to him.
He loved everything about Alice: her soft words, never raised in a shout, her laughter, ringing light as a bell, but only ever offered if you truly deserved it; her subtle sense of humouroften far too clever for him.
Im like a giraffeit all makes sense three days later! Simon would laugh, and when Alice glanced at him with puzzlement, hed just shrug: Its funny, isnt it?
I made that joke yesterday!
I know! Ive only just got it!
They were happy, together, in their odd little way. Once Simon got a job and was finishing university, they moved in together despite Alices parents protests.
Alice! This isnt right!
What isnt right, Mum? We love each other! Whats so wrong about living together?
Helen, her mother, watched Alice packingher blouses and skirts, never trousers or jeans, always folded gently and just so. A real English rose Helen shivered at the thought and then, determined, placed her hand on the pile of t-shirts Alice was reaching for.
It isnt right, darling, because you might end up like a suitcase without a handle.
Like what? Alice paused, frozen awkwardly.
Exactly that. At some point, Simon might tire of this family life of yours, and realising there are no formal ties, could feel free to leave. And then youre left: hell feel guilty for throwing you away after all those years, and youll have nothing to stay fortoo heavy to carry on, too precious to discard. Awkward. Like a suitcase without a handle.
Alice stood up straight, hugging herself in thought.
Mum, people divorce all the time! Even when everythings official and above board. Dont they? Does a wedding certificate really change anything?
I dont know, love. I always believed that if a man asked a woman to marry him, it meant he was ready to be responsiblefor her, for a family. But perhaps Im just old-fashioned and it no longer matters? People act as if life will stretch on and on forever I dont know, Alice. I only know that it hurts my heart thinking of my little girl leaving home not to the wedding march, but with nothing but a suitcase under her arm.
Alice hugged Helen tightly, pressing her lips to her cheek, unable to say much more. She didnt want to admit to her mother that she too hurtSimon had never spoken of marriage, not even vaguely. Not since, not ever. Theyd simply never mentioned it.
I love being with you! Simon would say, kissing her outside her flat. I dont want to be away from you for a moment. When I think of going home and having to wait a whole day before seeing you againugh! If only we lived together, Alice. No more secret rendezvous, no more worrying my sisters might catch us outoh, the disaster that would be! They can do what they like, but not me.
Why not?
Im the youngest! Simon smirked, lopsidedly. I need constant supervision. Just in case someone takes advantage.
Like me, you mean?
Mm-hmm. They like youso far. But theyre still watching, like a trio of cobras. You never know.
Simon! protested Alice, slipping free from his arms. Theyre your sisters!
Only a metaphor, Alice. Beautiful, clever chaps, but dangerous. They wont bite unless forced, but if you push them, God help you.
Lucky you, then! Alice snuggled in close again.
Hows that, then?
Youve got siblings. I havent.
I can lend you one! Simon would kiss her nose, and theyd dissolve into laughter.
Thats usually where the conversation ended, until one week Simon burst into their flat, waving his first proper pay slip. News! His uncle was off travelling again, and had asked them to house-sit, including the care of his English bulldog. He didnt want strangers in his homefamily only. Simon was delighted; Alice was a little overwhelmed.
So they moved into his uncles flat, walking Dickens the bulldog, cooking, sleeping, shopping, sharing the last eclair in the cardboard box. Living, without consequences.
So it wentin a strange, almost suspended statefor a year, then another, then a third. Alice found herself drifting, popping back to see her parents more often, noticing her school friends now pushing buggies in the park. Something was missing. What, exactly, she couldnt say. She didnt want a big white wedding. No. But when her oldest friend Olivia spun her wedding ring on her finger, sighing over her husbands untidiness, Alice suddenly longed for the same. To say with certainty: Well, theres my man! To fondly scold about forgotten socks, or a mug left unwashed. To proudly point at a baby in a pram, and declare, The spitting image of his dad. Not an ounce from me! Scary, isnt it, if he gets his temperament?
To have meaning and love, even if the world called it old-fashioned. It felt right.
But Simon didnt understand.
Whats the point of all of it? Spending half a year saving for a wedding. Feeding fifty guestshalf of whom well never see again. Messing about with daft games. Kissing to embarrassing cries for A kiss! A kiss! from relatives. Is that what you want?
No! Alice nearly wept, desperate for him to see her point. I just want us to be more than just housemates, Simon!
Youre everything to me, Alice! All I could ever want. Isnt that enough? He looked so uncomprehending, Alice dropped the subject, not daring to pursue it.
This second round, the argument that day, unsettled her deeply. Alice drank down two glasses of water and stood gazing out of the kitchen window, listening to Dickens snoring.
Dick, as he was called these days, had become her silent confidant whenever she needed to talk but didnt want answers about how the whole world supposedly understood her better than she understood herself.
Now, Alice sat on the floor by his bed, ruffling his ears, and, when he blinked awake with a sneeze, Alice half-smiled, lips quivering. Youre content, arent you, Dick? she whispered. Why cant I ever explain what I want? Or explain it so hell actually understand… Its ridiculous, right? Completely agree with you.
Dick listened in dignified silence, head on her knee, snoring to the rhythm of Alices breathing. She stroked the warm fur, while dissatisfaction grew inside her.
Why did she always have to explain and plead? When had she and Simon swapped places? Or maybe theyd cast their roles from the start, following the script without thinking to revise it.
Am I a girl or what?! Alice smacked her knee in frustration, prompting Dick to startle and bark.
Sorry, dear! But I suppose… Ill have to leave you behind now.
Alice, settling on a peculiar, confusing decision, rose and crept back into the bedroom, where Simon dozed gently. She watched him in the blue gloom for a long time, searching her own heart, before quietly pulling out her old suitcase and packing her things.
Her parents, of course, were frantic when she let herself in with her key at midnight. But they didnt ask questions. Her mother brought a mug of hot milk, setting off another deluge of tears, then tucked her injust like when she was little.
Mum
Yes? Helen paused, watching her red-eyed daughter.
I dont want to be a suitcase
Well, dont! Whos making you?
But I do love him…
Ah, my darling girl Helen sat down on the edge of the bed, taking Alices trembling hand in hers. You know, when you were a little girl, you always said youd be a princess when you grew up. Said youd sit in a tower, braid hanging out, waiting for your prince. You remember, dont you?
Alice smiled weakly, remembering the old dressing-up games, stealing her mothers housecoat belt to make a plait, mother plaiting it with ribbons, the high heels, the old veil, clambering up onto the back of the sofa like a fairy-tale damsel.
And then Gran told you, There arent enough princes for everyone. Better to find a nice boy who will love and cherish you instead. So you kept the princess bit, but said waiting was boring. He could hurry up, you said.
Alice wriggled out from under the blanket, hugging her mother tightly.
So youre telling me to think it all over again? To decide if Im losing my prince? Alice whispered.
Thats for you to say, not me. Still, I like your thinking. Helen kissed the top of her head. I want you happy. And if this prince cant do that, maybe its time to look for someone else.
Alice had no answer. Her heart spun and fluttered. Tears, laughter, hurteverything churned and flipped like a wild seesaw.
They sat together for a long time, whispering, and eventually peace returned. Alice was home, where she was loved. But with Simon… everything now felt uncertain.
She finally fell asleep at dawn, when, seeing the time, her mother tiptoed out to snatch a doze herself before work. Alice, with a day off, slept until late morning, made herself a breakfast that broke all her own made-up diet rules, then ducked under her favourite blanket and decided to have a proper cry while no one else was home. There were good memories too, and, curiously, no tears came; only thoughts stampeded, making her snort in her fathers fashion:
Youll only grow poor thinking, Alice. Enough! No use crying over what you should or shouldnt have done. Would it have changed anything?
She said the last words out loudjust as the doorbell rang.
Alice didnt want to answer. She was afraidif that was Simon, itd mean another row, another tearful truce, another note for parents before running back to that flat, this time silent forever on the topic of weddings and plans, because, clearly, nothing would ever changejust words, empty words. Because, blast it, it still hurt! No matter how grown up she became, somewhere deep inside every woman, from cradle to cane, there was the fairy-tale wishfor love, for marriage, for someone whod understand, support, cherish, and for whom she’d always be the most beautiful princess, braid, tower or not.
Alice pondered as the doorbell continued to trill, then, with a resolve that felt faintly dreamlike, strode to the door. She opened itand was struck speechless.
All three of Simons sisters stood on her threshold, the eldest with a baby on her hip.
Hi! Emergency! Wheres your bathroom? Martha, the oldest, dashed down the hall, child in arm, to deal with the casualty.
The other two, Daisy and Natalie, thrust bulging shopping bags into Alices arms and breezed to the kitchen:
Your parents in? Good!
You off today? Brilliant!
They set the table in moments, then sat Alice down, shouting for Martha to hurry up, and announced with uproarious solemnity:
Weve come to propose! Youre the merchandiseno, wait! Our brothers the blockhead! Will you take him off our hands, Alice?
Alice hiccuped in shock. Where is he?
Sulking. Afraid to come after his grand speech yesterday about family and marriage. We gave him a lecture he wont forget. Martha, returning, handed her baby to Daisy and sighed, Oh, what a trial it is, raising boys. Always did love Mary Poppins. Now, theres a woman with pragmatism!
What do you need that for? Daisy swapped baby for a glass of prosecco.
For the future! Id hate to end up with another tumbleweed for a brother. Hes far too fond of freedom! Either he shapes up, or Ill forget were related! Tortured you for years. Youre far too patient, Alice. Id have bolted by now. Why didnt you?
Love him, the rascal, Alice giggled, refusing the proffered glass.
Why not?
I might not be allowed to drink.
Three pairs of eyes ballooned, and her future sisters-in-law whooped:
Really?
Alice nodded with a shy smile.
But do you want to? Martha squinted.
Yes! Alices nod was so decisive Martha exhaled in relief. Drink to that, girls! Im going to be an aunt!
Glasses clinked, and suddenly Alice burst into tears.
Whats wrong? Daisy leaped up, bustling to fill two glasses of water. Martha shoved the baby into Alices arms.
Get used to it! And stop blubbing, or youll drop him!
Alice did, indeed, stop once the baby was safely ensconced. She sniffed his downy head. Was it scary, giving birth, Martha?
Not at all. The scary bit comes afterward, when youre left with this tiny creature and no idea what to do! Before, its even fun. Just dont let Simon off the hook. Make sure he feels like a dad early on.
How?
Easy! Pile on the cravings. If you wanted gherkins, by the time hes halfway back from Tesco, demand ice cream and some bizarre foreign fruit. He wont mind; hell probably eat them himself in the end. Its all about keeping him sharpso he respects how tough growing a person can be.
My husband More tears gathered, and Natalie gently took the baby.
Where is my husband? I dont even have a fiancé
You will! Martha exchanged looks with her sisters. Why the new waterworks?
I dont want to be a suitcase person
Ahhh, the old suitcase without a handle? Daisy chortled. Your mum used to say that, didnt she, before you moved in with Simon?
Yes
She knew what she was talking about, Alice! Martha started pacing, rocking her son. Our mum said the same, more or less. Well, she said, If you leave home, dont come running back for warm slippers! Not growing girls for nothing, you know. Use your headnot your heart aloneor youll end up sample tasting but never chosen, as they say.
She peeked out the window. Oi! Mount your broomssorry, your horses. The official partys arrived.
Simon brushed past his sisters on the stairs, waving off three playfully raised fists and blowing a collective kiss for all.
If you dare upset her again! Martha hissed.
Of course, Alice forgave her hapless love. But she didnt marry him straight away. She asked for time to think. Simons sisters thought this so hilarious they couldnt stop laughing.
A real keeper. Mustnt let her escape!
Alices fears proved unfounded. Their first son would be born only two years latermost of it spent by Alice wondering if she truly wanted this happiness or if there might be, somewhere, a better version. Shed act stern, but when Simon gave her a ring, shed be so joyfully, helplessly thrilled that, for a moment, hed see again the girl he first met crying in an autumn park.
Their wedding would be just for familyno outsiders, no fuss. The plan for a big bash would fade away the day Alice, squinting into the bathroom mirror, then grinning, called out,
Ill do it!
Barely awake, Simon would ask, Do what?
Shed lean her head against his shoulder, Do you think we can afford a house deposit with what we saved for a wedding?
Really?
Alice would nod thoughtfully, meeting his eyes.
Were grown-ups now. Soon well have a child. We ought to think about a home. But
But what?
Im not giving up Dick! There must be at least one real man in the house who understands Pickwick Club and helps me with my nerves.
Are you expecting trouble?
Lets ask Marthashell know how much!
Simon would sigh, and, for the first time, rather than tears of happiness, Alice would burst into such laughter that old Dick would sit up in the kitchen and bark in surprise at this new, bright sound.
