Cartoons
Authors own illustration. Created using the Kandinsky neural network.
– Alice, freeze! Dont move a muscle! James shouted so loudly that I nearly toppled off the stepladder.
– Jamie, what is it now? I groaned, voice wavering with panic as I let out an involuntary hiccup of fright.
I really should have expected this from my husband. James could never resist a practical joke, whether there was an occasion or not. More often than not, hed have me leaping round the living room out of either terror or surprise. Sadly, the first was a much more common occurrence.
– Spider! James widened his eyes dramatically, glancing round for an instrument of reckoning. I squeaked so softly it was barely audible and froze at the top of the ladder, gripping the curtain I was hanging for dear life.
– Is it a big one? I whispered hoarsely.
– Oh yes! The sort youre petrified of.
It hit me at last I was being pranked. Again.
– Jamie, dont you ever get tired of this? I let out a weary sigh and loosened my grip, finally allowing some tension to drain away.
Foolish decision!
Thats when our lazy, pudgy cat who had just been snoring in an ungainly pile on the sofa suddenly leapt into action, which meant James and his imaginary search for a weapon were instantly out of a job. With a surprising burst of energy, Pudding, as we call him, galloped up my legs like a springboard, snatched the actual spider, and chomped it down. It was so unexpected I never thought our hefty cat would show such agility that I ended up tumbling off the stepladder anyway.
The crash was so tremendous that James blurted out without thinking:
– Alice, honestly, do you need to go on a diet or something? Have you no pity for our poor neighbours?
I barely noticed as he rushed to help. His words stung harder than my grazed knee or bruised pride. Was he right? I certainly wasn’t Thumbelina anymore. Ive gained a bit with age, lost a little spring in my step Not exactly in my first flush of youth. Fifteen years of marriage, two children, and health problems thrown in. And still, all he does is make jokes!
Humiliation twisted into anger, and I pushed his hands away.
– I can manage!
– Ali, whats wrong? James looked perplexed as I braced myself, wobbling to my feet.
– Never mind! Ive had enough! Im done!
– Are you actually going to explain? He tensed up, just a hint. I never usually snap at him like that.
– Its everything, Jamie! Everything! Your bloody endless jokes, and your cutting tongue! Half the time I cant tell if youre serious or just winding me up! Actually, thats a lie I never know! And it just makes me feel like some sort of clown! Were like Morecambe and Wise, for goodness sake! Jamie, Im exhausted
I sniffled, determined not to sob outright. No, I wouldnt give him that satisfaction.
I tossed the freshly ironed curtain on the sofa, not caring a bit if it creased again, and marched out of the room without another glance at him.
Inside, I was boiling over. I wanted to cry for myself and shout at everyone. Id never known anger like this before.
Ive always been soft, kind ever since I was little. My mum used to say I was too trusting.
– Alice, darling, you cant go through life thinking everyones lovely.
– But Mum, isnt everyone? Are some people bad?
– Not truly bad, no. Most are a bit of both. People generally know right from wrong, but they’ll look after number one first.
– But how do you mean?
– I’ll give you an example. Remember how you gave your favourite doll to Sophie yesterday?
– She begged for it, Mum
– Exactly! You gave in, and what happened today? You came home from school in tears.
– Sophie wouldnt play with me! She said shes best friends with Emma now and that Im no longer her mate.
– Why do you think that is?
– I dont know
– Sophie only wanted your doll, thats all. And you didnt see it coming.
– Are all people like Sophie? I sobbed in frustration.
Mum wasnt in the habit of lying, so I believed her.
– No, my love, not everyone! Youve just got to use your head sometimes. The trouble is, you love everyone with your heart on your sleeve! Youll learn, one day.
Trouble was, I never did learn. I made friends easily, then wondered why they sometimes snickered behind my back.
– What a daydreamer! Where do they find people like you? James mused, scratching his head when we first met. Have you just fallen from the moon, Alice?
His surprise was understandable. After all, we met in the most unexpected of circumstances, almost worthy of a detective story.
It was a bright summer morning, and I was rushing to my holiday job. I was in university, picking up shifts at a local café over the break. I always left home early because Id stop on the way to say hello to Benny, the staffie who always waited by the builders yard, and a little stray named Pippa that the whole block fed. I, of course, was devoted to their feeding schedule.
Benny greeted me with his usual happy barking, and I scratched his ears as I rummaged for leftover bacon sandwiches in my bag.
Thats when it happened. James later dubbed it the heist of the century.
Someone shoved me hard in the back, snatched the strap of my bag, and before I could even squeak, I was left empty-handed. I didnt care much about the bag it was old and battered but inside was my birthday purse from my dad, with my student stipend and the wages from last month that Id planned to spend on new shoes.
I was gutted! Without much thought, I charged after the thief, hoping against hope I might catch him.
Unluckily or perhaps luckily, as destiny would have it the burglar tripped and went sprawling on the pavement, dropping my bag and grazing his nose.
– Serves you right! I yelled, sprinting after the bag, desperate to reclaim it before he found his feet.
But it was never going to be that simple.
There was a second thief. He appeared around the corner, smacked me painfully on the nose for good measure, snatched my bag and disappeared.
Blood streaming down my face, I plonked myself on the pavement, reeling. No one was around, so when James touched my shoulder I screamed.
– What a racket! James rubbed his ear, unsure if hed be deaf for life. I reckon you couldve made a fortune as an opera singer.
– Get away! What do you want? Are you with them? Ive nothing left!
– Easy! Im trying to help! Tilt your head back like that. Come on, up you get. Let me walk you home, you never know these days.
– Never know what? I mumbled, suddenly clinging to his hand, realising he really wasnt with the muggers.
– Oh, you know He handed me his hanky, supporting me by the elbow. You might get pinched again! These are dangerous times.
A grin crept onto my face in spite of everything.
– Does anyone talk like you? Pinched! Is that even a word?
– Why not? My gran was a professor taught English at Oxford, no less. Shed have boxed my ears for mangling the language, but she always did say it was elastic and full of oddities. Mind if I ask something odd?
– Go on then.
– Was your granddad a karate teacher?
– What makes you think that?
– You gave those thieves a proper chase! I thought you must have a black belt or something. Some retired old fellow training you in his spare time.
– Youre ridiculous! I laughed, then winced, holding my nose.
– I know. Just wanted to make you smile.
– Well, its worked.
– Of course! Im charming.
– And modest.
– Now look what youve done, youve made me blush. Honestly, are you sure youre not from the moon?
– Not at all!
My bag was never found, but I barely cared. Because that was how James came into my life.
Our relationship had its ups and downs. James fascinated me but half the time I couldnt tell when he was being serious. His sense of humour was definitely above average, but he never used it quite ordinarily.
– Ali, theyve sacked me again! James would declare, kissing me in the hallway.
– Oh for heavens sake! What for this time?
– I asked my boss why we only had paracetamol and petroleum jelly in the office first-aid kit. It got me wondering if Id chosen the right company, you see.
– James!
– Am I wrong? Isnt that suspicious?
– Maybe, but why tell your boss?
– It slipped out.
– Wonderful. And what about the house repairs
Somehow, we muddled through. James found another job, and I perfected the art of stretching a pound when it seemed impossible.
Then we had our daughter, and I started worrying. Banter and jokes are all well and good, but there are times to be grown-up, especially when youve got a child who wants feeding on schedule not when Daddys finally realised there are consequences to joking about with the management.
As if by magic, James landed a job with a new boss just as irreverent as he was. They clicked, and he was soon offered a promotion. It was a huge relief to me.
– Jamie, please! Try to take things seriously!
– Alice, do you want me sacked again? James kissed my nose, grinning.
– Why should you be?
– Because my new boss only hired me once he realised there was finally someone with a proper sense of humour in the office.
– Dont flatter yourself, Jamie. Wait until you say the wrong thing. Mum always said, People only look after themselves. You never know how things will turn.
– If that happens, Ill crack another joke to smooth things over! James would laugh, and Id frown, unconvinced.
At first, Jamess jokes didnt bother me, but with time, that changed. My friendship circles close uni friends, old work colleagues grew smaller and smaller. Some just slipped away, others told me straight: being around James was exhausting.
– Alice, does he respect you at all? my best friend Rachel would hug me. So you burnt the cake a little. Was there really any need to announce it at the table? It was mean-spirited, and you just sat there!
– What was I supposed to say? Hes my husband and it was his birthday
– So? Couldnt you have told him off in the kitchen? If it were me, hed think twice about making you the butt of his jokes! Never mind, Ali. Lets just meet somewhere else next time neutral ground. If I snap at Jamie, itll get ugly, and no one wants that.
After a while, my old friends, then my work mates all drifted off. Our familys social circle dwindled so much it was almost invisible.
– James, nobody comes round anymore.
– And how do you propose I tempt them back? Smear the door with honey? Thatll bring the wrong kind of company.
– For goodness sake, will you stop with the quips? Not everyone appreciates your jokes!
– But you do. And youre all I need, Ali.
So I found myself laying out themed dinner parties for a different crowd. Jamess boss would come, parading his latest girlfriend, then Jamess work buddies Id listen to their laughter in the living room and scurry to the kitchen, praying not to become a target.
– Alice, dear, what made you serve an Italian night when youve never been to Italy? The pizzas fine not at all Italian but I admire your ability to imagine the invisible, to sense whats beyond all other mortals! Jamess boss kissed my hand, but I wanted to grab a vase and whack him.
But I was pregnant again I didnt want to start a row before the baby came. What if James lost his job? Because of me! No, not worth it.
Our son was born in February a snowy, bitter winter. Getting home was a challenge.
– Ali! The snow drifts are up to my knees! If hes not mine, youve got time to swap the baby! Go on and Ill pretend I never knew! Ali
I ignored his call. For the first time, it struck me how much easier life would be without the endless jokes
But I had a son. He needed his dad, and despite Jamess sharp tongue, he was a wonderful father. He did night feeds, made magical porridge that had our daughter asking for seconds, even if she turned her nose up at mine. He spent more time with the kids than any of my friends husbands, who always just wanted a sofa and the footie. I knew my friends exaggerated, but James was a real family man not out at the pub, not glued to the telly.
So I kept our family together. I even tried talking to James, asking him to rein things in a little. Whether he didnt listen, or simply not willing, nothing changed. So I switched tactics. I stopped inviting anyone over, claiming I was too tired with the children. Later, I started working from home so no one could wonder why I wasnt spending hours in the kitchen or cleaning.
The housework didnt disappear, but James began helping without complaint. Suddenly, he was scrubbing dishes in the evenings, and even mopping the floors with our daughter while I took our son out for air.
That might have been how life ticked along, but as the years passed, I noticed changes in myself: Id become irritable, even snappy. I didn’t like it at all. I started lashing out at the kids, at James and his attempts to joke only made things worse.
The spider incident broke the camels back.
Divorce.
The word bounced around in my head as I bashed the pots and pans making supper.
Divorce!
I glanced at the table I’d set and nodded to our daughter, peering shyly from just outside the kitchen door.
Divorce
I flung aside the tea towel, about to say something, when someones arms wrapped round me and a voice, softer and more genuine than Id heard from James in years, said:
– Alice, are you cross? Im sorry. I didnt mean it. Youre my one and only, you know that?
– Not again! I nearly exploded, but he didnt let go.
– No, truly! I put up the rail and hung the curtains. Plus, Pudding and I swept the place the place is spider-free! Forgive me, wont you? I know its hard living with me. Nan said my tongue knows no bounds, but Ive got a good heart, you cant argue with that?
– Jamie, what good is a kind heart if youve turned me into a snapping bulldog? Ill be biting people before long! This isnt a life, dont you see? Jokings great, but not when theres nothing else left. I dont invite friends or family because no one wants to be the butt of your jokes. I avoid mirrors, knowing youll always find a reason to tease. Im tired, Jamie. I want something different.
– Like what?
– Remember when you compared us to Tom and Jerry? Always chasing, always outwitting, always laughing? Even our friends called us Cartoons.
– And?
– I dont want to live in a cartoon. I cant collect as many jokes as you doIll just curl up in a corner, shut my eyes, and hope the cat disappears. Maybe Id do anything not to see him anymore. Anything, do you get it?
– Alice
– I dont want to talk, not just now. Just think about what Ive said.
– All right
A few days later, Rachel, who Id finally confided in, just laughed at me:
– Oh Alice! Youre a grown woman and still making rash decisions! Comedy is your answer!
– Sorry, what? I stared, mouth open.
– You heard! Ive been meaning to suggest for ages that you direct Jamess incredible talents somewhere useful. But you never talk about yourself, always about me! Thats not on, Ali. Whats a friend for if not to rant? Smart, beautiful ones like me are made for it!
– You sound like my mum.
– And since when does your mum give bad advice? Go on, try it. See how it goes.
Rachels advice worked. These days, James does stand-up at the local club when hes not at work. I sometimes go along and watch.
Theres something special about seeing your husband send himself up for a change and I wont pretend I dont enjoy it.
It took a while, but James finally listened. Its been years since I was last the target of a quip or a jibe. Now, he saves all the jokes for his routines. People love them.
Finally, peace returned to our home, along with the friends and loved ones Id missed.
Sometimes, all you need is to show your husband that you have a sense of humour too. Even if its a bit on the gothic side.
Just so long as the joke about divorce remains a joke
And as for cartoons? Well, who doesnt love themBut every now and then, on quiet evenings when the children are tucked up and laughter glows faintly from the club poster on our fridge, James finds me in the kitchen and does something strange: he listens. Really listens. He lets my silences speak, and sometimes, wordlessly, rests his head on my shoulder, as if to remind me that behind every clowns painted grin theres a bit of fear, and maybe a bit of longing too.
And, of course, life moves on, untidy as evercurtains falling, cats snoring, bad jokes echoing faintly down the hallway. Yet theres comfort now, real and sturdy as a proper punchline; not because things are perfect, but because weve stopped play-acting at cartoons and learned to draw our own story, one uncertain stroke at a time.
Our daughter caught me the other morning, smiling at my reflection while I untangled my hair. She asked if I was happy. And for the first time in years, I answered without hesitating:
Yes, darling. Lifes not always a comedy, but I wouldnt trade our script for the world.
Then she giggled, and just for a moment, I could almost imagine the cartoon cat and mouse, sitting side by side on the sofagrudges forgotten, punchlines shared.
After all, whats family if not a messy, miraculous work in progressand sometimes, the best joke is the one youre still learning to laugh at together.
