I will always be by your side
Please dont start again! Weve been through this a hundred times! Why do we need to have this conversation yet again? I sighed, waving a hand in Simons direction and turned back to the cooker.
Today had begun on a most cheerless note. The day started at five in the morning when my son, Max, padded into my bedroom and gently tapped my shoulder.
Mum, my throat hurts!
I was still half-asleep but pressed my lips to his forehead, and in an instant, I was alert.
Yes, youve got a temperature, darling. Come on, let’s get you sorted. I scooped Max into my arms and quietly closed the door behind us, trying not to wake Simon. The last thing I wanted was another of his grumbles about lost sleep.
After taking his temperature and giving him some paracetamol, I tucked Max back into bed. I glanced at the clock, realised there was little point going back to sleep, and decided it was better to wait until the GP surgery opened. With Max dozing off, I went to the kitchen, made myself a coffee, and looked out the window.
Winter had been astonishingly snowy this year. Right then, our little back garden was blanketed in a thick layer of snow, which had fallen all night. It was practically untouched, save for a few meandering trails left by morning commuters braving the elements. Movement caught my eye Marthas cat, Alfie, from next door, was bouncing about, vanishing headfirst into snowdrifts only to resurface a few feet away like a little lion on the prowl. Why on earth would anyone want to be outside in this weather? But Alfie couldnt have cared less. He had a stubborn independent streak and simply refused to use the litter tray indoors, forcing Martha to open the back door at all hours. When she was too slow, the whole building heard his howls. But, to give credit where its due, he never once made a mess inside. Yesterday, as I was popping down to collect Max from nursery, Id seen Alfie marching proudly out, yowling all the way.
Go on, complain all you like! Morning, Alice! Just look at him, cheeky beggar. Sometimes I think he owns me, not the other way round. What a captain with a tail! I was late back from work just once, and now this
Morning, Martha. He looks very dignified!
Oh, doesnt he just! Must be my fate to raise demanding blokes
I smiled and moved on what could I say? Marthas son, Matt, really was a serious sort. Intelligent, dry wit, and kind too, despite few noticing. Most saw only a skinny guy with glasses not exactly heartthrob material. Id known Matt forever. For as long as I can remember, he was always there for me, especially after Mum died.
Mum, Irene, was hit by a car on a pedestrian crossing. Shed crossed properly, followed all the rules, and it made no difference. That stuck with me. All my life, Id been taught that if you do everything right, nothing bad should happen.
We were both ten then, Matt and I. I simply didnt understand grief until then. I stopped talking and just cried, shaking my head at attempts to comfort me, hiding away in another room or locking the bathroom door. Left alone, Id find a corner somewhere and promptly fall asleep. Dad took me to see a counsellor, who grew so concerned she insisted something must be done before stress ruined my health.
It was Matt who helped in the end. Having lost his dad two years earlier, he understood. He all but moved in with us Martha was always sympathetic, and the neighbours tried their best: bringing food, helping Dad, staying with me if Dad had to go out. No one batted an eyelid when Matt came home late, having spent the entire day keeping me company, helping with homework, reading aloud, coaxing me to play or go to dance and gymnastics, things Mum had adored. Gradually, Matts steady presence thawed me out. Then, when we found a stray kitten, barely old enough to see, and took him round to Marthas, I spoke for the first time since Mum died, asking for milk for the tiny thing. Martha handed me a bottle and whispered under her breath, Thank goodness youre back, darling.
The kitten stayed with Matt, as we later learnt my dad, Peter, was allergic.
Matt never stopped looking out for me. We grew so used to being together it was like breathing. Two only children, each the answer to what the other lacked: support, friendship, and a kind of instinctive understanding that I can only describe as sibling-like at its best.
We didnt always need words. Id start a sentence, Matt would finish it. Adults found our relationship odd but never intervened; they quietly encouraged our friendship, knowing it soothed the pain of premature loss.
Trouble only came towards the end of school. Id blossomed into a smart, decent-looking girl, and suddenly there was no shortage of attention. Matt watched all this, silent, content so long as I wasnt drawn to anyone in particular. Then Simon appeared. I met him by falling flat on the icy steps at the gym one evening.
Are you okay? he said, a tall, quite handsome bloke extending his hand. These stairs are lethal let me help. Nothing broken?
I looked up and went completely still. Id always dismissed love at first sight as silly nonsense but, at that moment, I realised Id been wrong.
Im lost, Matt. Absolutely lost. Hes
Hes what? Matt frowned, but I didnt notice, swept up in my daydreams.
I cant explain. Hes just wonderful. I twirled in delight. You could at least pretend to be happy for your best mate, you know!
My best mate, right. Matt forced a smile and claimed he had something to do, making a quick exit.
I barely noticed, too full of excitement. Simon and I dated for over three years before deciding we were mature enough to make things official. We told our parents and registered at the town hall.
Shame I need to have a Maid of Honour. Why not a Best Man for the bride? Feels right to me I said, twirling in front of the mirror as the seamstress pinned my wedding dress.
Matt, whod driven me to the fitting, sat on the sofa, hiding a smile. Hed been scolded by the dressmaker for peeking at the bride. Dont let the groom see you, tradition and all that! But he isnt the groom! Id laughed, Hes my friend.
Friend, is he? shed replied with a smirk.
Whats so strange about that? Matt replied. Cant people just be friends? Alice, we still need to sort the cake, so hurry up. I really should make an appearance at work today.
Alright, wont be a sec! I dashed back, ignoring the slightly off look on his face.
Years later, thinking back on my hastily arranged marriage and the first few years as husband and wife, I wondered: how did I miss the red flags about Simon that would eventually unnerve and, at times, enrage me? I suppose I lived in a fairy story, always expecting my faithful knight to sweep in. But not all princes are the same, it turns out.
The first warning sign came when I fell ill with a nasty bout of tonsillitis, just six months into the marriage. I tried to soldier on for Simons sake, but after things went from bad to worse, the doctor suggested a bunch of tests, some on the NHS but some private and expensive. Simon rolled his eyes, This is what our holiday moneys for? Youre young and fit, theyre just after our cash!
I couldnt believe my ears.
Are you serious?
Of course! he shrugged.
Simon suddenly, I was choking back tears. Is our holiday more important than my health?
Oh, youll be fine! Well have a break, soak up the sun, youll be right as rain. Youre just tired! He hugged me, not noticing I was wooden in his arms.
My Dad footed the medical bill without a single word or complaint.
It took almost a year to recover, but the after-effects remained. I still have heart problems, and the doctors say all I can do is take care. When I found out I was pregnant, the midwife put me straight in the high-risk group.
I want you to be realistic, she said, Pregnancy is tough. So far youre okay, but things could change.
Theres nothing to talk about. Im having this baby.
Alright, she sighed, Well do our very best.
And we did. I spent my last three months in hospital. When Max was born, perfectly healthy and full-term, only two people really knew what it had cost me: Dad, and Matt. Thats when I fully realised Simon lived his own life, and in it, I barely featured. He celebrated Maxs birth so hard he vanished for three days, phone switched off. At first, I was frantic; Dad grew sombre and simply held me.
Its alright, love. You mustnt get upset.
That was my wake-up call: this was no fairy tale. I wasnt the princess not in this story. I didnt divorce Simon then and there only because of how he was with Max.
With his son, Simon was devoted for the most part. Up in the night, changing nappies, going for walks, he was all in except for moments when Max got on his nerves, and I was expected to spirit him away so Simon could have peace. But soon, hed be back to playing the perfect dad. These mood swings unsettled me, but for a long time, the good outweighed the bad.
As for Simon and me, we soon became two parallel lines. Our lives simply didnt cross anymore.
Max was often poorly as a small child, so I rarely had time to dwell on how strangely things were turning out. Id rush between GPs and clinics, rarely asking Simon for help I never knew which Simon Id get. Sometimes hed listen attentively to the doctor, sometimes hed cause a row at the prospect of driving to the surgery. I got so weary of it all that I preferred to manage alone. Dad helped me learn to drive, minding Max while I was at lessons, and when I passed, he bought me a reliable second-hand car so I wouldnt be at the mercy of Simons moods.
Dad had known the score with Simon for ages but kept quiet, waiting for me to work things out in my own time. Only once, when Max was two and Id been run ragged after days of his high fever, did Dad say, as I collapsed beside the sofa, Alice, I wont lecture or pry. Just know youre never alone, alright?
I know, Dad, honestly. Im just not ready. Until Ive made up my mind, Simons still my husband.
He just nodded and gave me a squeeze.
Through all this, Matt was always there. Medicine runs, lifts to the GP when my car wouldnt start, sorting the car itself nothing was too much trouble, solutions always found quickly and quietly. I sometimes felt guilty for relying on him so much, but I couldnt help it. He was still the one person I trusted without question.
Even now, as I stared out at the snowy garden, I found myself thinking, Matt is back from his work trip today if I cant get a home visit from the doctor, maybe he can give us a lift. The car went kaput yesterday and this time, it looked properly serious. Money was tight as well. Simon kept saying he was re-investing everything into his business, and my wage only just covered the essentials. At least we lived in Dads old flat, Dad preferring to stay at the cottage in Norfolk, away from city racket.
I checked the clock and phoned the surgery. Luckily, our GP had just returned from leave, and they accepted my request for a house call.
I set the phone down and started breakfast, just as Simon padded into the kitchen, hair still ruffled with sleep.
What was all the fuss last night?
Max is ill, I replied.
So the whole house needs to be up? Anyway, Im shattered. Im off for a shower Ill need breakfast as soon as, then Ive got work to get to.
I quietly carried on, cooking not so much for Simon but for Max when he was under the weather, hed always wanted recovering food, as I called it. Today it was pancakes, knowing Simon would eat them too.
So, have you spoken to your father?
No.
Why are you dragging this out?
I told you, Im not talking to him about the flat. I wont ask him to sign it over to us.
Your bloody stubbornness! Im paying for everything here, but legally I have no rights. And you, always asking for money, for you or Max! Im slaving away, havent taken a holiday in ages, and still you complain!
Simon carried on, but Id already stopped listening. Suddenly, I felt something break inside me, a snapped string ringing sharply the one that had once bound us, tied together every shared moment, every first kiss, our wedding, the day Max was born
Quietly, I placed the spatula down, turned to him and calmly said, Im only going to say this once, so listen. Youll pack your things and move out today. Were getting divorced, Simon. I wont live this way anymore, and neither of us is happy we both know it. There will be no more talk of who paid what, now or ever. What matters is Max. For him, we need to try to stay decent and keep both parents in his life, even if we live separately.
Simon stared, tried to argue, but I cut across him. He finally stood, tossed his fork to the table. Say what you want, but think about it until tonight. Ill come back and hopefully youll see sense.
No, Simon. Ive made up my mind. Youve known me for years, you know what that means.
Yeah, it means youve lost it. Whos going to want you, with a child in tow? Fine. Ill be at my mums.
As you like. I turned to the cooker, blinking back tears. He left, and I listened to the front door thud shut. I slumped onto a chair and let myself sob, letting go, for the first time in years.
When I heard Maxs soft steps approaching, I wiped my face quickly and set out his breakfast.
Well then, worlds best patient! Breakfast?
Im not that hungry, Mum. My head hurts now too.
Pancakes might just help with that
Yeah! Max grinned slyly. With jam!
Absolutely.
After the doctor left, prescribing treatment and medicines, I started to get ready to pop to the chemist. Id barely reached for the phone to call Dad when there was a knock at the door only Matt never used the bell, it was our little code.
Hi!
Hey, how are things? Matt was holding a box a new toy car for Max. I couldnt recall the last time Simon had bought his son anything. Birthdays, Christmas, anything it was always down to me. Matt never arrived empty-handed.
Max is ill again. Could you sit with him while I run to Boots?
Of course. Actually, let me go instead got a shopping list?
I handed him the list from my bag.
Hed barely gone when my mobile rang.
This is Alice Pearson?
Yes?
This is the Royal Free. Your fathers just been admitted.
Whats happened? My knuckles blanched white around the phone.
A heart attack. Hes in a serious condition.
Im coming right away.
I rushed about, barely knowing what to do. Dad had never mentioned his heart. The reality hit me then how quickly you can lose someone you love.
Without thinking, I rang Simon.
Simon, its Dad. Hes had a heart attack.
So? What do you want me to do? You want a divorce, dont you?
I stared at the phone, then ended the call.
When Matt returned, I stood in the hallway, bag over my shoulder.
I have to go Dads in hospital. Heart attack.
No further explanation was needed. Matt fetched his mother to sit with Max, and we headed straight to the hospital.
We waited all day for news, sitting side by side in the family room until, at last, I broke the silence.
Thank you Im so glad youre here.
Ill always be by your side Matt replied softly.
I know, Matt. Now, I know everything
The doctor finally came out to see us, to find me asleep against Matts shoulder. He gently woke me.
Weve moved your father to a ward. Theres a long recovery ahead, but the worst is over. Check the nurses desk for visiting hours, and you can see him tomorrow.
I hugged Matt tight, tears streaming down my face as, with them, the pain of the past years finally began to ebb away.
