How much longer is this going to go on? Emily flung the tea towel onto the kitchen table, her voice trailing off into the hallway like a wanderer lost in fog. I got in from work AN HOUR ago, and I havent even had time to change!
Oh, not this again, grumbled Jonathan, his tall shadow looming in the doorway, blocking her path as if he were an oak taking root in the kitchen. Mum just popped round for five minutes.
Five minutes? Seriously? Emily gestured at the mountainous pile of dirty dishes, each one gleaming in the odd, golden gaslight. Did the other ten people just happen to be drifting across the moors? Did you round up the whole village as they passed by?
Muffled laughter echoed from the sitting room, drowning out Coronation Street blaring at full blast on the telly.
Dont be an outsider, Em, Jonathan winced, as if shed chucked a pebble at him. Its just a laugh, everyones enjoying themselves.
Youre laughing, youre knocking back stories and shandy Im carving the third bowl of potato salad, mate! She wagged her knife at a mountain of spuds, their eyes winking knowingly. And its nine oclock at night. Ive got a presentation first thing, if you remember.
That bloody presentation again. Its just pictures and colours
Pictures? Emilys cheeks flushed as red as a British Library brick. Its a project worth a million pounds, which I
Oh, Emmie!came the syrupy voice of her mother-in-law, Margaret. Why are you so slow with that salad? Hungry people are waiting, you know.
Margaret swept into the kitchen, fluffing her perm with one hand, grand as a duchess.
Could you perhaps let me know when youre all coming round? Emily tried to sound calm, though she felt as manic as a weather vane in a storm.
Oh dont fuss, Margaret tutted, plunging her hand into sliced cucumbers and swiping a sliver. Were family; we just came for a cuppa! In our day, it was different Games with the cousins
There werent any iPhones in your day, Emily muttered.
Margaret squinted, Whats that, dear?
Choppings done, said Emily, holding up her knife deliberately, then started dicing up the ham.
Jonathan, your wifes completely lost the plot. No hospitality, no respect for her elders
Shes just tired, Mum, Jonathan shuffled from foot to foot.
Tired! Margaret scoffed. When I was her age, I ran a house with four kids, full-time job, cooked, did laundry, didnt moan on about it.
Another burst of raucous laughter from the lounge, then: Jonny, mate, get in here! Daves telling a blinder!
Ooh, Ill just nip in, Jonathan brightened, vanishing instantly.
He always does this, Emily muttered as he disappeared. Time to take responsibility? Gone in a puff.
Dont you dare talk about your husband like that! Margaret began, but Emily stopped listening. She gazed at the knife, mayonnaise packet, the silent insides of the fridge and suddenly remembered the little bottle from her morning stop at Boots.
You know what, Margaret? said Emily, voice syrup-thick. Youre right. Ill get it all ready. Dinner theyll never forget.
At last! Margaret beamed. Thats more like it! Im ringing Wendy she lives down the street. Shell be delighted.
Dyou remember, Mags, bellowed Auntie Val from the lounge, last time your daughter-in-law burnt the shepherds pie? We were guzzling water all night!
Oh, dont I just! Margaret nodded, poking her head out to gossip. Emily does things her own way.
Emily mixed the salad in silence, counting to ten with her lips pressed thin. The doorbell rang again.
Thatll be Wendy! Margaret chirped. Jonny, answer the door!
Im busy! came the distant shout. Emily, can you?
My hands are covered in mayo, she called, jaw tight.
What sort of wife are you? Margaret fussed, waddling to answer.
At the door stood not only Granny Wendy, but Jonathans sister, Charlotte, pushing in her two screeching boys, her own husband in tow.
We were just passing! Charlotte said, stuffing the flat with her noisy entourage. Thought wed pop by for a gander.
You were ALL just passing! Emily muttered, opening yet another tub of mayo. Half-past nine and the night felt endless.
Whats that, dear? called Margaret at once.
I said, come on through foods nearly ready, Emily shouted, brightness brittle.
She pulled the precious bottle out from her bag. The instructions glimmered at her: effect in under an hour, best stay near home and the loo. With a smile, she poured a healthy glug into the salad.
Will there be a hot meal too? Jonathan peered in, the children trailing behind. Charlottes boys are starving.
There will, she nodded, the sauce thick in her voice. Sausages, mash, gravy special gravy tonight.
Thats my girl! Jonathan cheered. Youve not cooked like this for ages.
Always working, Margaret chirped from the hall. Never time for proper home life.
Well tonight, youll see, Margaret. Tonights a dinner youll remember for the rest of your days.
Just then, the bell rang again.
Thatll be Dave and Alice! shouted Jonathan. Told them to swing by too.
Emily froze, wooden spoon mid-air. You invited MORE?
Course, why not? Everyones here now. Daves got his mother-in-law with him as well, shes staying over.
Emily glanced at the nearly empty bottle, eyed the growing crowd, then fished another out from the bag. Might as well make the gravy extra special, she murmured.
Spot on! came a cheerful yell. Cant have a British dinner without gravy!
Itd be criminal, Emily agreed, dropping the drops into the thick brown sauce. Most important things making sure everyones well fed.
All right, gather round! Margaret announced. Look how much effort Emilys put in.
The family buzzed around the table, boys lunging for salad.
Shouldnt we start with the hot food? Emily offered gently. Let the salad settle a bit.
Oh, dont fuss, Margaret waved. Let the kids eat.
Yeah, none of these new-fangled rules, nodded Auntie Val, heaping her plate. We never fussed in my day.
Itll be special tonight, I promise, Emily smiled, mixing the salad, each sweep heavy with meaning.
Emily, arent you eating? Jonathan asked, already chewing.
I ate at work, she said, leaning on the doorframe, suddenly distant. Was in the kitchen for hours, full from the smells.
See, now she wont even eat with the family! Charlotte sneered. All this work and your creativity
About work, Dave chipped in, Do people really get paid for drawing pictures? You must have time on your hands
Emily watched, silent and sharp-edged, as the salad and sausages vanished beneath greedy hands. Plates cleared with unnerving speed.
Delightful! Granny Wendy complimented, licking her lips. At last, you can cook done with those trendy salads, eh?
Quite, Alice agreed, Remember that Caesar with croutons? I had heartburn all night.
No worries, Emily said quietly. Tonight, therell be no heartburn. Something else entirely.
What was that, dear? Margaret piped up.
I suggested music for atmosphere?
Oh, lets! Jonathan brightened, and darted out for the wireless speaker. But in the doorway he paused.
Emily, youre actingodd.
Just watching you all. Watching you eat stocking up, arent you?
Oh, enough of that! He clapped her shoulder. See? Everyones happy. Even Mums impressed.
Thats the main thing, she nodded. By the way, Margaret, theres extra-special gravy for you. Made it with love.
Emily peered at the clock. If her calculations were right, the first fireworks would begin in half an hour just as everyone grew comfortable and full and weary.
Emmie, called Margaret, Will we have tea?
Of course, Emily smiled, reaching for her handbag. But I need to dash work called, big emergency.
Now? In the middle of family dinner? Jonathan frowned. Its late!
Oh, come on, she smiled for the first time that day. You lot all turned up unannounced. Im leaving unannounced. Thats family life, isnt it?
There you have it, Margaret waved her hand. No respect for tradition these days!
Yet half an hour later, respect was the least of their worries.
Jonny, I dont feel right, whimpered Margaret, clutching her belly.
Neither do I, Dave shuddered, shifting awkwardly.
Maybe it was the salad? Auntie Val began, before dashing for the loo, knocking over a vase in her haste.
Oi, wait up! Charlotte sprang after her. Im first!
First?! Alice shouted, elbowing past. Excuse me, I
Within five minutes, the corridor was gridlocked, queue snaking from the kitchen to the loo, becoming a clammy, shuffling parade.
Mum, I feel sick! Charlottes kids howled.
Just hold it! Charlotte snapped, dancing anxiously. Margaret, are you nearly done in there?
Ive only just gone! came Margarets strangled reply, mixed with noises like a kettle boiling over.
Never happened in my day, groaned Granny Wendy, pressed against peeling wallpaper.
Jonathan! Margaret shouted through the door, desperate, RING YOUR WIFE! This is all her doing!
He fumbled for his mobile. Emily didnt answer. Only a text arrived: Hope dinner went down well. By the way, the neighbours have a loo too, and Daves flats next door. Run for it, darlings, run. You might just make it.
She did it on purpose?! Auntie Val clamped her hand on her mouth.
Mum, hurry up! begged Charlotte. Theres a queue down the ruddy street!
Cant! Margaret wailed. Whats she put in the food?!
Just then, someone rang the doorbell the upstairs neighbour, hair in curlers.
Everything all right? The ceilings shuddering like theres an earthquake down here
A despaired voice came from the queue, I cant hang on maybe ring for help?
What, call the ambulance? Jonathan hissed. So the whole street knows?
Youd rather be the gossip than the laughingstock? snapped Charlotte, shoving Dave near the sacred door.
Jonathans phone beeped again: Nearly forgot Im filing for divorce tomorrow.
WHAT do you mean by divorce?! Margaret shrieked as she finally vacated the loo, red-faced and breathless.
Sort it out later! Dave shouted, bulldozing his way into the now-vacant bathroom. Weve bigger problems!
Charlottes boys whimpered in flawless harmony, Alice began calling every neighbour for aid, Granny Wendy moaned about the decline of Englands youth, and Jonathans phone kept pinging with new messages:
And dont worry about my stuff I took it while you were tucking in. Enjoy your digestion!
P.S. Had a good laugh about the pictures, Jonny. From now on, these pictures will pay only me. And that million-pound project? Signed and sealed yesterday. So I wont be the one out of work.
Best start looking for a new family chef. Only this time, dear, youll have to cook for yourself. All the moneys gone I emptied the account. Hope you dont mind. Family rules, right?
The loo queue kept swelling, echoing around the house as Charlottes shriek echoed down the staircase, The neighbours wont open up!!!
And while chaos reigned at home, Emily sat tucked into a quiet café at the other side of London, sipping her cappuccino, andfor the first time in three yearsshe felt entirely, irrevocably, happy.
