My would-be suitor suggested we go for a walk in minus 4, because only gold-diggers sit around in cafes. So I didnt bat an eyelid turned up in my ski suit and thermal underwear But he couldnt have possibly imagined what surprise would be in store for him that night…
His name is Edward. In his photosa perfectly average Englishman in his mid-thirties, neat, nothing flashy. His profile description rambles on about self-awareness, personal growth and his search for an authentic, soulful companion. Honestly, that alone should have raised a few red flags. Experience tells me: the louder a man goes on about wanting a real woman, the more hes really looking for someone convenientsomeone who asks for nothing and expects even less.
We chatted online for a few days. Edward was polite enough, though hints of oddness crept in now and then. He had an obsession with the idea that modern women are spoiled by money.
They all just want restaurants, holidays in Mauritius and the latest phones, he messaged. No one wants to really connect or just go for a walk and have a proper chat.
Being raised with manners, I gave a mental nod and carefully steered the conversation elsewhere. Everyone has their baggage, after all. Maybe his ex-wife left him out on the street or dashed his dreamswho knows. I try not to judge early.
Then he suggested we meet up. There was one small problem: its January and were in the grip of a brutal cold snap. Not a mild chilly evening, but actual minus four on the thermometera biting wind that made it feel twice as bad. The Met Office has issued a weather warning, and the local council is urging everyone to stay indoors unless absolutely necessary.
Lets meet at the park, Edward writes. Well go for a walk, some fresh air, really see each other as we areno pretence.
Edward, I reply, its absolutely freezing outside. Well turn into snowmen in ten minutes. Perhaps we could just grab a coffee somewhere cosy?
His answer comes quickly.
I dont go to cafes, only gold-diggers hang about in there hoping for freebies. I want a life partner wholl stick with me through thick and thin, rain or shine, even in the frost. If its that important I splash out a tenner on you, were not on the same path.
Curiosity got the better of me. I really wanted to see this defender of pure relationships, the man for whom a cup of Americano is a sign of financial enslavement.
Alright, I wrote. Park it is. See you at 7pm by the main gates.
Getting ready took a good while. Out came the thermal underwear, a thick jumper, and, topping it all off, my ski suit. Wool socks and sturdy boots for my feet, plus a trapper hat for my head.
My reflection in the mirror looked ready for an expedition to the South Pole.
Well, Edward, brace yourself, I winked, and set off into the frosty night.
At exactly seven, I stood at the park entrance. The cold instantly bit at my cheeksthe only part not covered up. The snow creaked under my boots, and the whole park seemed deserted: anyone with sense (including those gold-diggers) had chosen warmth.
Edward was already there, shuffling in place, hopping from foot to foot, desperately puffing on his hands. He wore an autumn coatnot even zipped up properly. His nose had turned plum-purple, ears bright red.
I walked over.
Hello, I said, my voice muffled beneath my scarf.
He surveyed me, clearly expecting a delicate little thing in a thin dress, hoping to play the gallant hero. Instead, before him stood someone who looked more like a member of a search-and-rescue team.
Hi, he managed, teeth chattering. Youve really come prepared.
You said rain or shine, so I thought Id start with the cold. Shall we walk and, you know, breathe in the fresh air?
Fifteen Minutes of Fame
We set off down the main path. This stroll quickly claimed a top spot among the strangest dates of my life.
How do you like the weather? I asked, putting on my best small talk.
Invigorating, he croaked. His face had all but frozen; only his lips were moving now, and they were rapidly turning blue. Im a fan of winterits a real test for people.
Agreed, I replied. But back to your gold-digger theoryexplain to me, why is having coffee such a mercenary thing?
You could see it hurt him to talkthe cold stung his throatbut his principles demanded sacrifice.
Because his voice shook, a relationship should be about interest in each other, not whats in someones wallet. If a woman cant just go for a walk but expects a meal straightaway, shes just a taker.
And if a woman simply doesnt fancy catching pneumonia? I ventured, re-adjusting my hood.
Thats an excuse, he snorted loudly into his scarf. If you want something, you make it workjust dress warmer.
Well, I listened to you, I said, spreading my arms to show off my puffy silhouette. But you, on the other hand, dont look so prepared. Are you sure youre warm enough?
Im fine! he snapped, but he was shivering so much it was obvious, even in the dusk.
After about ten minutes, we reached the parks central square. There, a closed-up coffee stall stood in the darkness. Edward lingered, casting a longing glance at it worthy of a tragic Shakespearean hero.
Maybe we should head back? he suggested. The winds really picked up.
Come on now! I brightened. Weve only just started. You wanted a soulful connection. Shall we talk about literature? Do you like Jack London? Theres a wonderful story called To Build a Firethe man freezes to death because he underestimated the cold.
The look he shot me had nothing to do with deep connection.
Sorry, I have to go, he cut in. Just rememberedurgent work to do.
What do you mean, Edward? We planned this evening.
Reports. I forgot I need to send them now.
At eight oclock? On a Friday night?
Yes! he almost shouted.
With that, he spun round and hurried off towards the nearest Tube station. I followed at a leisurely distance, enjoying the moment: my survivalist lasted exactly fifteen minutes.
He didnt even say goodbyejust disappeared gratefully into the warm bowels of the Underground. I do hope, for his sake, he thawed out more than just his limbs in there. But somehow, I doubt it.
I wandered back home, brewed a strong cup of tea, and deleted Edwards messages. I had no regrets about the wasted time. Those fifteen minutes were a perfect vaccine against guiltand a reminder that putting yourself first doesnt make you a gold-digger.
