Because Its Easier
Joanna stood by the hob, deep in thought, watching the water begin to boil.
Outside, it was a perfectly ordinary Tuesday evening. And, predictably, he was in the loungeglued to his phone, eyes clouded with fatigue and a hint of annoyance, clinging to a promise hed made exactly a month before:
Ill sort myself out. Ill get a proper job. Ill stop snapping. Just be patient, things will change. Its just a rough patch.
Joanna was being patient.
The water boiled. She dropped a handful of pasta into the saucepan, stirred, and turned off the gas. She wasnt hungry, but dinner had to be made. For him. Hed be hungry.
Dinners ready, she called into the hallway.
No reply.
She waited a minute, wiped her hands on the tea towel, and went into the lounge. He was still scrolling endlessly on his phone.
Will you eat? she asked.
Yeah, in a sec. He didnt even lift his head.
She nodded. Sat down on the sofa. Waited.
Ten minutes. Then fifteen.
She wandered back to the kitchen, laid the table, and waited some more. Still, he was glued to his phone.
Itll go cold, she whispered.
Oh, for heavens sake, he snapped, flinging the phone onto the sofa as if shed forced him. Always hassling at the wrong time. Im coming, alright?
He trudged into the kitchen, sat at the table, stared into his bowl. He ate in silence, quickly, gazing at the wall.
Joanna sat opposite, wanting to ask how his day had been, wanting to share her own news from work. But the words stuck in her throat.
Because she knew how it would go.
Either hed ignore her, or grunt back, or shoot her that look that made her feel stupid for opening her mouth at all.
Thanks, he grumbled, plonking his bowl in the sink. Im going to lie down. My head hurts.
Joanna was alone again.
***
How long has this been going on? her friend Natalie asked on Saturday, frowning.
Three years now.
Three years of headaches and empty promises?
Joanna nodded.
Natalie leaned back in her chair, fixing her with a long, heavy look.
Look, Im going to be blunt with you. Please dont get offended.
Go on.
Are you alright in the head?
Joanna choked on her coffee.
What do you mean?
Exactly what I said. You just sit there, waiting for his rough patch to end. But it wont! Not ever! Because this suits him just fine.
You dont understand. He really is struggling. Job, nerves Joanna protested.
Everyone has struggles, Natalie interrupted. What? If Im worn out from work I should yell at my husband? No. I come home, I say, Can I have a cuddle, Im shattered. But yours shouts, shuts down, keeps making new promises, then shouts again. And you just swallow it. Why?
I believe hell change. Or at least, I hope he will.
Hope? Natalie scoffed. Joanna, grown-ups dont change unless they have a reason to. Hes got no reason. Hes got you, making excuses, cooking his meals, waiting, covering for him. Why would he bother changing? He knows he can put in zero effort, take no responsibility, and hell still come home to a warm house, a comfy sofa and a plate of pasta.
Joanna wanted to argue, wanted to say Natalie didnt know what he was really like, what he could be if he actually tried.
But the words just wouldnt come.
What she remembered instead was his face last night, when shed asked about dinner. The irritation when she reminded him the food was getting cold. The way hed walked off to lie down, not even glancing over his shoulder.
And suddenly she realised; she couldnt remember the last time hed looked her in the eyes.
Just looked. Not through her, not wearily. But really saw her.
***
Joanna paid for the coffee, said goodbye to Natalie, and headed home.
She walked slowly, like her legs were filled with lead.
At home, it was dark. He was asleep.
She took off her shoes, went to the kitchen, sat in the same chair as the night before, staring out the window.
***
Monday morning arrived in the usual way.
He left for work, slamming the door behind him. No kiss goodbye.
She dressed, went to the dentist. Her tooth had hurt for a week, but shed kept putting it offfor his meals, to listen to his problems, to pick up after him.
A young woman waited beside her in the surgery, pretty, phone in hand, talking loudly on video call without a hint of embarrassment.
James, I did ask, you promised youd come and get me after my appointment. Im scared on my own. Please. I know youve got work, but you promised.
Pause.
No, I cant reschedule. I booked it a month ago. Please, James. Im not asking much, just stay with me. Youre my man.
Pause.
Fine. Alright. I get it.
She hung up, slipped her phone into her bag, and began to cry.
Quietly, almost imperceptibly, her eyes fixed on the wall.
Joanna sat beside her, suddenly seeing herself in that girl.
The same Joanna who, three years ago, had ringed, pleaded, waited in hope. The one who thought that explaining, asking, waitinghed understand. Hed be the man shed fallen for.
Love, whats your name? Joanna asked softly.
Alice, the girl sniffed.
Alice, I dont normally meddle, but theres something I want to tell you…
Alice looked up at her.
If someone treats you like this, its not because he doesnt get it. And its not because hes having a rough patch. He understands perfectly. He just likes it this way. He knows he never has to try. Youll be there no matter what. Promises mean nothing. Dont listen to words. Watch what he does.
The girl listened, not blinking.
But what if he loves me? she whispered.
If he truly loves you, he wont want to see you crying. Hell want to make you smile, not shut you up or push you out of his way.
Alice was called into the dentists room. She got up, wiped her eyes, whispered, Thank you.
And left.
Joanna sat there, feeling oddly lighter, as if shed just spoken to her own heart.
***
That evening, when Joanna arrived home, he was sitting with his phone.
Im starving, he grumbled, not even a greeting. Where have you been?
Joanna headed for the kitchen, opened the fridge, pulled out the food.
She put the pan on the hob, poured the oil, started chopping onions.
Then she stopped.
Her hand with the knife hung in the air.
Im not cooking tonight, she said aloud.
Silence.
She turned off the gas, cleaned up, dried her hands, and walked into the lounge.
Im not cooking, she repeated. Are you listening?
He looked up, surprised.
What do you mean?
I mean exactly that. Youre a grown man. If youre hungry, cook for yourself. Or order something. Or go to the shop. Im not your maid.
He put his phone down, stood up.
Whats your problem? Im tired, by the way.
And you think Im not tired? She met his gaze for the first time in ages. I work too. Im hungry too. Id like someone to take care of me too.
Oh, here we go, he rolled his eyes. On at me again. Sorry Im not perfect. Im going through a lot right now.
A rough patch? For three years? Do you know what Ive realised? she said calmly.
What?
That youre just comfortable living this way. Youre sure Ill put up with it, cook your dinner, stick around no matter what. So you take advantagenot out of spite, but because… well, why wouldnt you?
He was silent.
Joanna turned and left for the bedroom.
She closed the door.
Sat on the bed and wept.
But these were not the same tearsthere was relief mixed in them.
***
The next morning, Joanna woke early.
He was still asleep.
She packed her things.
Wrote a note: Goodbye. Dont call me.
She left the note on the kitchen table.
At the door, she glanced back.
The flat was bright and calm in the early light.
She closed the door and exhaled.
For the first time in three years, she felt free.
***
Six months later, Joanna met Natalie in their favourite café.
So, hows your ex? Natalie asked.
No idea, Joanna shrugged. He hasnt called.
And you?
Me? Im wonderful! Seeing a counsellor. Im learning to listen to myself. You know whats funny?
What?
I spent so long thinking hed just fall apart without me. But he didnt. He simply found someone else. Just like that. As if I never existed
Joanna smiled, perfectly at ease.
***
On Saturday night, there was a knock at the door.
Joanna glanced through the spyhole. Her heart skipped, then steadied.
Him. Thinner, unshaven, holding a sad bunch of petrol station flowers.
Let me in, he said, voice heavy. We need to talk.
She said nothing.
Ive changed, honestly. That girlI made a mistake. I cant cope without you. Please let me in.
Joanna rested her forehead against the cool wood.
Joanna! Im trying here, I came!
She breathed deeply and replied in an even voice,
Mark, youre only here because the other girls done with you too. You just cant stand being alone.
You! Youve lost the plot! Im here humiliating myself Open the door!
He shouted, knocked, threatened. Eventually, he fell quiet and left.
Joanna stepped away from the door, sat on the stool by the hallway mirror.
It was peaceful inside.
She hadnt opened the door.
For the first time, she had chosen herself.
And that was the true endingnot for him, but for her.
The lesson is simple: sometimes choosing yourself is the bravest thing youll ever do. And in learning to value herself, Joanna finally found her freedom.
