I wasnt keen on going home, not wanting to hear those words: Ive fallen for someone else. How could I possibly swallow that, let alone understand it? And the childrenhow could I explain it to them? They adore their dad.
When I flicked the light on in the flat, I checked that the hallway was empty. In the childrens room, textbooks lay scattered; they must have been doing their homework just moments ago and, as usual, hadnt tidied up. I sank into my favourite armchair, covering my face with my hands, unsure how to start the conversation with Helen.
I’m exhausted, I muttered to myself. I hate coming back to an empty house. I dialled one of the boys numbers.
Victor, where are you? Im back, but the flats empty.
Were at Grans. Mums a bit under the weather, but well be home soon, he replied.
I was gnawing at my nerves, wondering how to broach the subject. Emily was twentyfive, with fiery red hair and green eyes; she could have chosen any man, yet shed turned her attention to me. She was ten years younger and strikingly beautiful.
Each time it grew harder to keep my distance from her, I invented evermore farfetched excuses for staying late. I thought maybe, now that Im retired, I could try my hand at writing novels; that would give me a smoother way to excuse myself to Helen.
Helen was sharp, a marketing manager who loved her work and earned the respect of everyone for her quick mind, easygoing nature, and expertise. She was a good-looking woman, though not extraordinary, especially compared to Emily, who often turned up in a stylish coat that caught my eye.
I always believed Helen and I had a solid marriage, that we were decent parents. Helen worked, but she always made time for the kids. No one ever imagined that one day
I was so wound up about talking to my wife that, when I heard the door lock click, I froze and decided not to say a word today; Id speak to her tomorrow. The boys darted over and started babbling about school.
Michael, you coming for dinner?
No, Im knackered, Helen. Im heading to bed.
Helen wasnt thrilled with my recent behaviour.
The next morning, over breakfast, I sat glum and silent.
Dad, youve stopped talking to us altogether, my eldest son asked.
Dont talk rubbish. Grownups have problems they dont share with kids. If you want to go with me, hurry up, I replied.
Helen handed each of them an apple for a snack. Still, I could see my attitude was unsettling her.
Ill have a word with him tonight, Helen said, pulling on her coat for work.
They ate without me. I only drifted in close to midnight, offering no explanations. I heard myself slip into the kitchen, drink a glass of water and head straight to bed.
After breakfast, as the kids prepared for school, Helen tried again.
Can you tell me whats going on?
Well talk this evening, I said dryly.
***
Looks like hes got a new woman, Nadia said when Helen confided in her.
A new woman? Choose your words, weve been married ten years.
Thats why shes showing up. Youve been distant at night, coming home late, giving no explanations.
How would you know? Helen asked, surprised.
Ive been through it, so I get it, and Im not jealous.
Helen still didnt want to go home, didnt want to hear those words: I love someone else. But something had to change, so she quickened her step.
Sitting alone in the tiny kitchen, Helen waited for me, and when the lock clicked, she tensed. I was in a better mood than usual and even asked when dinner would be ready.
Where are the boys? I asked.
Theyre doing homework, but I can feed you without them.
I nodded, sat down, and ate, watching my wife. She was clever, hardworking, with a gentle nature. Once I adored everything about herher hair, her eyes, her soft lipsbut not any more.
Delicious, I remarked to Helen.
Lets talk, she said.
I didnt answer, just reached for the bread and kept chewing, eyes on her. Finally dinner ended and silence fell. I didnt rush her; after a few minutes I finally spoke, without meeting her gaze.
Helen, Ive fallen for another woman and Im leaving the family. I wont abandon the boys; Ill still spend time with them, but we cant go on together.
I sighed deeply.
Youre throwing us out of your life because of your selfishness. Its easier to walk away than to give up your comforts.
I had nothing to say; Helen was right. I had indeed fallen for Emily and couldnt deny the pleasure of being with her.
I guess I have no choice now. Have you made up your mind, or can I still convince you? Know this, Helen, I wont be coming back, I said.
I understand, but I wont return. Emilys pregnant; shell have a baby soon. I cant leave her with a tiny child.
And you still have your two kids, your conscience seems untouched, I retorted.
Dont make a drama of it. Thousands of families break up, and children still keep good relations with their fathers.
The child will be yours? Shes lying to get you to quit your own children faster.
Dont speak of things you dont know.
Fine, Im done with you both. How are you going to tell the kids Im leaving?
Nothing hard about that, boys, come here, I shouted. Ill tell you now.
They stood before me. Mum, weve finished our lessons, were hungry.
Your dad wants to speak with you, Helen said, moving to the window.
Eat first, then well talk, I began, but hesitated.
Whats the talk about, Dad? my eldest asked after dinner.
Helen wasnt about to make life easier for him. She gathered the dishes, set them in the sink, and turned to me.
I see Dads lost his way. Boys, we have a new mum now and well be four. I wont get in your way.
With stunned looks from everyone, Helen grabbed her bag, papers, a few belongings, and left the flat.
Dad, is it true well have a new mum? the youngest asked.
I was so stunned I could say nothing.
Off to bed, I muttered, heading to the bedroom.
***
Helen stayed the night at Nadias, who supported her all the way.
You did the right thing, Nadia told Helen.
Im terrified for the boys, Helen sobbed.
Nothing will happen to the children. Michael may be a rogue, but he loves his kids.
Helen lay awake until dawn. The first thing she did at work was pour herself a steaming mug of coffee, sit at her desk and stare into the cup, lost in thought.
Her future with me was no longer a possibility; she couldnt forgive me. Now she could say her marriage had been a failure and the memories of me clouded her soul. Shed married me thinking a year of courtship would bring peace and happiness, but reality proved otherwise. Though Id tried to be a good husband and father, she never saw any falsehood in my deeds; even Nadia said I was a decent man.
Our love had long been buried under mistakes that were almost impossible to forgive.
I was the one at fault for the marriages collapse. All she wanted now was to see the children and speak with them. After the last sip of coffee, she felt a surge of energy and was ready for work, but the phone rang. She answered.
When will you pick the kids up? Michael demanded. How can you abandon them? Youre their mother!
How can you? When we married we both promised to look after our children. Ive done my part, what about you? Youve swapped them for what, exactly?
Thats enough. Be home today, understood?
She hung up and got on with her day, catching herself staring at a screen but seeing nothing, let alone understanding anything.
Then Helen decided enough was enough. It was time to erase the memories of her former husband once and for all. She didnt doubt that he was now just thatformer. The decision lifted a weight off her shoulders. She wanted the children.
Around lunch she asked for time off and drove to the school. Her older son, Victor, left early, spotted his mother, and ran to her; fifteen minutes later his younger brother, Jamie, appeared.
Mum, I missed you, he said.
I missed you too. Listen, you need to know why dads behaviour has been the way it is. I love you and always will. Got that?
Mom, whispered the younger, I love you too and I dont need a new mum.
I understand, love, she replied, taking their hands. Dad has fallen for another woman and wont live with us. He said he wouldnt leave you, but well see if thats true. Ill visit every day, but for now youll stay with him and his new partner. Dont worry, Im always here and I love you.
Victor, the older, asked, Mum, are you sure you wont leave us?
Thats not up for discussion, she smiled.
She drove them home, then back to work. Seeing the boys eased her mind. Meanwhile, Emily called Michael, her tone sharp with displeasure: You know I cant be worried about you, and youve been missing for two days. Im waiting for you today, she said before hanging up.
At home the kids had done their lessons and were watching TV.
Wheres mum? they asked.
We dont know, they answered in unison.
Done with lessons?
Yes.
Were heading to the new house, well introduce you to the new mum.
Do we have to have a new mum?
Who else would ask? Your mother left you, youre not needed, Jamie tried to protest, but Victor cut him off: Quiet!
An hour later they knocked on Emilys door.
Finally, she said, opening the door. Three pairs of eyes looked at her, one blinkingVictors.
Get dressed, Michael told her.
She tried to shut the door, but he stuck his foot in the way and entered.
Youll sleep together, then well figure something out, Michael told the boys.
Emily watched, eyes wide.
Youve got the address wrong.
You can stay quiet; Ill explain everything.
Fine, Ill meet you in the bedroom.
***
The boys heard their father and his new partner shouting, then the silence, then Emilys soft sobs. After a while they all fell asleep. In the morning their dad roused them, telling them to wash up and have breakfast.
Whats for breakfast? The fridge is empty.
Did you buy anything to fill it? When you do, well ask again, Emily replied and left.
He poured tea and gave them toast, then drove them to school. After lessons, their mother returned, and the boys recounted the argument between dad and Emily. Helen barely managed a smile.
Are you hungry?
Yes, the boys chorused.
That went on for a week. On Friday, Dad didnt take them to Emilys; they stayed home, ordered food and made a feast. Michael left for a short trip, returned and announced they would now live at his place. The reason for his absence was, unsurprisingly, Emily.
When he arrived in his homewear, Helen didnt move a muscle, didnt invite him in, didnt even look his way. Michael no longer cared about such formalities. He stared at her, bewildered at how quickly love had faded.
Emily, understand, theyre my kids and I cant abandon them, even for you. If you could wait, Helen would have taken them back, but you want everything now.
No, I dont want them in my house. Theyre yours, not mine.
Fine, I get it, I wont abandon my child either.
You dont understand anything. Theres no child, there never was one. Calm down, go to yours.
That night he couldnt sleep. He realised hed got exactly what he deserved.
On Sunday morning, the flat door opened quietly and Helen stepped in with a bag. The children, seeing their mother in the hallway, ran into her arms.
They hugged tightly while I stood nearby, unnoticed by both Helen and the boys.
She ran her fingers through the kids hair, missing their faces. I felt a pang of jealousy, realizing how close they were. In that moment I knew Id nearly lost them. I felt useless, knowing I couldnt expect any more.
Im glad youre back, I said sincerely.
I didnt come back for you, I came for the children. Ive rented a flat and Im taking them with me.
Helen could be proud; the week had been brutal.
So why are you leaving? Ill go, I started gathering my things.
Dad, youre not coming back? What about football, fishing?
He glanced at Helen, who said nothing.
Go to your room, boys, and Mom and I will talk in the kitchen.
Just dont go, the younger pleaded. Over the week the children had grown close to their dad and werent ready to lose him.
Helen, if you can forgive me, I promise Ill never do this again. Ive realised family is what matters. I dont want to lose you. Please accept my apology.
Helen felt a flicker of amusement that he was suddenly terrified of losing them, how quickly people forget their own mistakes and betrayals.
She never truly reconciled with the fact that Id left her for another woman. Shed trusted and loved me, and now her ears were filled with hollow promises that hed never keep. A laugh escaped herenough was enough.
She caught herself thinking shed wanted me back just to soothe her pride, but she no longer loved me. All she truly didnt want was to share a marital bed with me again. She even winced at the thought of him trying to stay relevant.
But there was no shame in thatI got what I deserved.
Helen sensed my attempt at reconciliation, yet she wasnt ready for even a friendly relationship. Perhaps in time we could converse as civil acquaintances at birthdays or Christmas, but for now she simply listened, even though shed already made her decision.
