Its just an old friend
Emily, are you really going to keep counting pennies in this dingy little flat? So we get a mortgagethen what? Tom pressed, his voice exasperated. Dont forget we actually have to pay the thing off. How do you see that happening with the way were struggling just to save the deposit? Im telling you, this business is a sure thing! Pete wouldnt steer me wrong. Weve known each other since primary school, for heavens sake.
I didnt look up. My eyes traced a scratch across the cheap vinyl tablecloth. I just didnt have the strength to argue. Not anymore. After a week at work, all I wanted was to collapse for an entire day, but here he was, again, with his schemes and worries.
Tom I sighed, gathering the little strength I had left. Thats our safety net. Weve denied ourselves things for three years to get here. We might end up drowning in debtfine, so be itbut at least well finally have a place of our own, stop hemorrhaging cash on rent. Thats guaranteed. Worst case, were back to square one. But you want to gamble half our savings on some dodgy resale adventure?…
Not dodgy, profitable! Tom snapped, pacing the tiny kitchen. You just dont get it. Parallel imports now are a goldmine. All these restrictions, all these supply chain hiccupsits the perfect time! By next month Petell have doubled the money. And six months from now, who knows, maybe we buy outright, no mortgage at all. Em, think! Im doing this for us. I want you living like a queen, not working yourself ragged for nothing.
He stopped behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders. They were warm and heavy. There was a time when his touch made me feel safenow it just brought irritation and a prickle of anxiety. But refusing him outright? That was terrifying.
Fine Ill transfer you the money I said at last. Sort it with Pete, then.
Thats more like it! Tom grinned, kissing the top of my head. Ill nip in the shower, then shoot over to his. Well hash out the details, Ill get something in writing, and be home before you know it. Youre the best, Em!
Left alone, I stared at the table. Toms phone vibrated somewhere behind me. Apparently, he was so worked up about his profitable business that hed actually forgotten to take it with hima rarity these days.
I hesitated for a few seconds, then reached for it. I happened to know his passcode, glimpsed it once and never used it. But now? Now, I had a reasonmore than one, truth be told. Wed grown distant; Tom was cold and on edge all the time.
They called again Love, do you think itll work out? Im scared wrote someone called Bunny.
Strange nickname for Pete.
Scrolling up, I felt as cold as if someone had dumped me in an icy lake. These werent business messages. This was everything wrong with my marriage. Dozens and dozens of textshearts, kisses, risqué photos from some brash, pouty girl. But the worst wasnt even that.
On the fifth of March, Bunny moaned she had nothing to wear to her office party. Tom promised to help. And clearly, he did. I remembered that dayTom trudged in, grim, muttering that his teams bonus had been axed, insisted wed have to tighten our belts. We ate plain pasta for two weeks after.
On the twentieth of April, Bunny needed money for a manicure course. That very day, Tom came home, asking for a big sum from our budget for medicine for his mum. Meanwhile, I was about to book a dentist for my toothachebut didnt. Painkillers are cheaper, I told myself, and sure enough, the tooth quit hurting in a month.
A month after that he needed money for car repairs. Once again, he contributed almost nothing to our budget.
And so it went. With every message, my illusions melted away. Tom wasnt unluckyhe was calculating. While I showered with plain old soap, he was funding another womans lifestyle with my money.
I scrolled back to this morning.
Love, theyre getting nasty. Called againsaid theyd come to my work if I dont clear the whole debt. Nearly three grand. Dont know what to do Im praying they dont show. Guess Ill have to get a second job. Not sure when Ill see you. I love you, but Im out of options.
All these Bunnies, and look at me with donkey ears, I thought bitterly, seeing Toms promise to help. Of course he volunteered. And what about me? My world was falling apart under my feet.
But I didnt cry. Thered be time for that later. Now I had to save myselfand my money. I had maybe ten minutesfifteen if Tom spent ages shaving and practicing his business chat in the mirror.
I darted into the bedroom, grabbed my overnight bag, shoved in essentials, threw on fresh clothes and dashed out the door. I barely remember how I summoned a taxi; I just recall my fingers trembling as I dug my bank card out from my purse in the backseat.
There it wasa bit of coloured plastic, representing three years of my life. Three years of no holidays, no nice meals, no treats. I stared at it and saw missed boots, untreated teeth, thinning hairall things Id given up so Tom could flush my work down the loo for some girl who called him love while she cashed in?
Not happening.
I took out my mobile. The banking app took forever to load. When our joint account finally appeared, I moved every last penny to my personal card, then hit block card. Reported lost and gonejust like my trust.
Only after I did it did I finally exhale.
About halfway through the journey, I realised Id blurted out my mums address. Hardly surprising. When youre hurting, you instinctively go where you know youre truly loved and wantedno strings, no sad pretences.
Emily! Good gracious, whats happened to you, darling? Mum gasped, opening the door wide. Is everything all right with Tom?
Mmm. Fine. Hes off to meet his mistress. Might be the last time.
Mum raised her eyebrows, but had no time to reply. My phone rang; Toms smiling face popped up on the screenan old photo of us cheek to cheek, taken two years ago when I still believed I was happy.
Em! Where are you? Toms voice snapped, trying to hide panic. I came outthe flats a state, door wide open, your stuff everywhere. Whereve you got to? Having second thoughts about Pete? Hes waiting, you know!
I pressed my lips together. He was still acting, still convinced he held the strings.
Tom I said, surprisingly calm. I found out what sort of parallel business youve been up to in our marriage. Your mate Petes suddenly got bunny ears, and Ive grown a pair of horns.
What? Em, youre talking rubbish!
Well, at least Im not sending family money straight to my mistress.
He fell silentobviously wondering if he should push or try to be gentle, and mostly, how much I knew.
Tom, I took your phone I told him plainly. I saw everything. Im not funding your flings.
Em, listen Tom changed tactic abruptly. Its not what you think. Shes just an old friendneeded help. I couldnt tell you; I knew how youd react. I was going to pay you back. Honestly, things are badthere are people involved. She could be in real trouble!
Let her be, I replied coolly, refusing to argue. Ive moved all the money, cards blocked. Im not coming back. Best of luck with Bunny. Maybe shell give you a peck when she finds out youre broke, but I doubt it.
I hung up, not willing to listen to his insults, then blocked his number. That was that. When I looked up, my mum stood there, hand covering her mouth, eyes shining with tears.
Mum, fancy sushi? I asked, in a practised, breezy voice. Three years Ive been living off fairy-tale diets. Think its time to spoil myself.
The next two weeks passed in a blur, but this haze was soft, warm, comforting. Tom persisted, of coursecalling from all manner of numbers, lurking by Mums building, sending messages that veered wildly from threats to desperate apologies. I didnt even read themjust deleted, the way you sweep up crumbs.
Hed ceased to exist the moment I read Bunny.
Instead, for the first time in years, I was my own priority. I found myself in a supermarket, standing in the toiletries aisle. Normally, Id speed past, snatching whatever soap was cheapest. Not this time. My hand reached up for a fancy hair mask on the top shelfpricey. The old me would have balked. You could buy a chicken and some spuds for that, she would whisper. Let the potatoes go hang, the new me replied.
I chucked everything in. Coffee scrub, professional shampoo, creams in pretty jars.
I was buying back bits of myselfthe bits Id lost while living with Tom.
A week later, I was on a plane, London disappearing behind me. Underneath the wing, the grey city shrank, its damp gloom receding. Somewhere down there, maybe Tom was dealing with some debt collectors on his friends behalfor maybe not. Frankly, I didnt care.
I sank back in the seat. Next stop: Turkey. Not exactly the Caribbean, but itd do. I wasnt about to blow all my savingsjust needed to switch off, remind myself Im a woman, not someones doormat.
From my bag, I pulled a little mirror. The lines around my eyes hadnt disappeared, but now there was a smile to go with themnot just exhaustion. My hair, newly dyed chestnut, shone under the lights. My fingernails, painted a bold red, tapped impatiently on the armrest. I was heading into my new life confident and whole. Id have to fight for my own space and happiness, but I would never again betray myself for anyone else.
Personal lesson? Never blind yourself for loveespecially when youre the one paying for the curtains. Its better to live alone with a warm heart than together with cold deception.
