On the Hook of Conscience
How… How do you know? Gran’s voice trembled with real fear.
There are good people in the world, Vera replied sharply. Bottom line is, I won’t let you ruin my son’s life.
My grandmother, Margaret Brown, had always ruled our family, and I’d figured that out when I was still a lad.
Defying her only ever led to spectacular rows and punishments, like being denied treats and pocket money.
We never even bothered arguing Gran was impossible to budge.
Before retirement, shed run a busy sewing workshop with an iron fist, and the same iron discipline reigned at home.
I always suspected Grandad, who died before I was born, had been under her thumb as well. The way she managed my mum and her sister, Nora, left little room for doubt.
Gran married off her eldest, Vera, to a promising engineer named Ian never mind Vera didn’t love him.
They had me (Stanley), and Vera soldiered through three years of marriage until her husband finally stood up to his mother-in-law.
Whatever happened, I wasn’t told but within weeks, they divorced and Ian was sacked in disgrace, thanks to Gran’s formidable connections.
Ive not seen my dad since.
With Nora, Gran allowed a marriage for love, to Victor the procurement officer. They had a daughter, Alice, when I was two. Victor and Nora lived happily in their own flat, kept the peace with Gran, which pleased her. But Victor died before Alice turned ten.
Nora and Alice stayed in their flat, with Gran always keeping an eye on them and stepping in to help.
Id noticed for years that Gran was softer with Nora not quite as bossy, even gave her an occasional compliment.
Never bothered me much; I had enough to worry about. Gran made it her mission to turn me into a decent man and she never let up.
Youll be a famous hockey player! shed declare, and next thing I knew, I was enrolled in a club.
A few months in, the coach begged Mum to take me out: Its not for him, hes too slight, itll just ruin his health.
Swimming lasted half a year, until it turned out I was allergic to the pool chemicals.
Then came model making, eco club, all manner of nonsense…
Gran, I just want to draw! I finally rebelled. Why push me into things I dont want?
Mum gasped at my cheek and Gran frowned, cuffed me round the ear, and said,
Listen to your elders! No pocket money for a week!
A family boycott for thirteen-year-old me swiftly followed. Lesson learnt. I knuckled down, taking exams for the technical college, aiming to become an engineer a respectable profession.
By some miracle (or maybe Gran worked her connections) I was admitted and did well enough, though I found physics, maths, and mechanics insufferable.
Secretly, I learnt design online the free courses, obviously, because I was always skint.
Dreamed of quitting and training as a video game artist, earning a decent wage… But Gran kept close tabs on me, even chatted with my tutors.
At sixty-five, she was plump, out of breath, but stubbornly energetic.
Keep at it! she lectured. Ive arranged with Mr. White at the plant to take you on and give your career a boost.
There was no way I wanted to work in a factory! But I lacked the nerve to resist.
Midway through third year, I snapped.
Wed celebrated a mates birthday rather too enthusiastically, and Id had one too many drinks. That alone would have earned me Grans wrath, but I added fuel to the fire.
Im quitting college! I announced, slurring my words. I cant stand it! I want to draw, create… Ah, whats the point cant explain to you hens!
Probably went too far with hens, but Id crossed the line.
Gran and Mum stared in shock, Gran cuffed me again and stormed off, Mum got me to bed, muttering that you just didnt talk to your elders that way.
Next morning, despite my hangover, Mum sternly ordered me to apologise to Gran maybe shed forgive me.
Whats the point, Mum?! I groaned, clutching my aching head. Arent you tired of bowing and scraping to her? Dancing to her tune? How much longer?!
Mums face darkened.
First, its not her its Gran, she retorted, more gently adding, We couldnt manage without her… Just apologise shell forgive you, she does love you.
She left my room.
But Id had enough. Shouting after her, I declared, Im not going back to your bloody college! threw things into a bag, and walked out.
I spent a week at a mates house. Then Mum phoned.
Gran’s in hospital heart trouble. Come now.
By then, I realised Id gone too far, but I wasnt giving up on my plans.
I hoped my relatives would come round and Id return home on my terms.
But with Gran ill, I felt a pang I did still love her, never wished her dead.
I rushed to the hospital, got a stern talking to from Mum and Nora, and promised to behave…
Gran came home two weeks later, looking a bit paler, but otherwise well.
She pursed her lips, heard my apology, was silent, then said,
Youve upset me, Stanley. I almost cut you off, left everything to Alice even my sisters old flat.
That stung. Id always counted on that flat…
Still, Gran went on, youve come back, gone to college. Good. But thats not enough…
Vera and I stared anxiously.
You’ll marry Alice and live in that flat together. Youll make a fine couple, Gran announced.
Gran, what? I was floored. Shes my cousin! I pleaded with Mum, who looked away.
Vera, Gran sighed wearily, explain it to him, Ive not the strength, and shuffled off to her room.
Thats when I learned the family secret.
Turns out, years ago, Gran and Grandad had adopted ten-year-old Nora the daughter of friends who died suddenly.
Theyd moved to another town and didnt talk about it much.
So Alice isnt your blood relation, Mum finished.
I never knew! Shes always been like a sister… Were not close, but shes still family; I dont see her as anything else.
And, well, I have a girlfriend… Sort of…
I dont like the idea, Mum admitted. But I dont know what else to do right now.
I couldnt imagine marrying Alice either.
That night, I woke to voices in Grans room.
At first I thought her heart had given out, but then realised she and Mum were arguing.
Eavesdropping isnt good, but…
Mum, you always favoured Nora, let her get away with everything… Now youve gone too far, Mum whispered angrily.
Thats nonsense! I loved you both the same. Noras just had a harder life…
Really? Vera sounded furious. Or are you trying to make up for your sins?
Dont suppose anyones forgotten you and her father sneaking around behind everyones back?
That you were lovers, and Mrs. Nicholas caught you? After that scandal, they went away for a weekend, tried to patch things up, then crashed?
How… How do you know? Grans voice was scared.
There are good people in this world, Vera snapped. I wont let you wreck my sons life.
Keep pushing this marriage and youll end up alone.
I barely managed to duck back into my room before Mum stormed out, face flushed. What a mess!
A day later, home early from college (two lectures cancelled), I stumbled onto another overheard discussion my luck for that lately…
You promised to help! Nora protested. You know Alice cant have an abortion! Shes two months gone already where will we find a decent husband so fast?
Ill think of something, Gran wheedled. Dont worry, Nora…
I didnt listen any further, slipped out, and waited for Mum to get home. As I explained, her face grew more and more stony.
Enough! she said at last.
That very evening, Mum and I packed and spent the night in a hotel, then found a flat to rent. Weve not spoken to Gran since. Maybe shell come to her senses, but I doubt it.
If theres any lesson here, its that standing up for yourself, while difficult, is essential especially when someones been calling all the shots for too long. Sometimes, you have to make choices for your own happiness, even if it means breaking away from family tradition.
