My son, whos 28 now, recently asked me to stop saying he owes me his life, because, in his words, that phrase has made him feel guilty and manipulated all his life.
Honestly, I never thought those words could hurt him. To me, it was always a reminder of how much Id sacrificed for him. But to him, that was the troublehes felt pressured, beholden, as if hes never had the right to make his own decisions.
I started saying it when he was about eight. His dad left us then, and it was just the two of us. Whenever he wanted to go out or asked for something, Id tell him, I raised you on my own, I kept you on your feet, you owe me your life.
I was shattered, exhausted, often teary. But he was a childhe never said how it made him feel.
When he was twelve and wanted to stay with his dad for a bit, I said through tears, If you go, youll leave me here on my own. Remember who gave you this life when your father wouldnt. It never came up again after that. He told me that was when he learned not to challenge me.
At eighteen, when he wanted to go off to university in another city, I put my foot down. I told him I wouldnt cope if he left. He dropped it. He studied something he didnt like just because it was at a uni nearby. He says now that he resents me for that.
When he was twenty-three and had his first serious girlfriend, I used the same line again. He wanted to spend Christmas with her family, and I said, Have you forgotten who gave you life? Is one woman more important than your own mum now? He didnt go. His girlfriend was gutted, and they broke up two months later.
When he started working and wanted to get a place of his own, I told him again I couldnt be left alone, that he was all I had. I said, You owe me your life, love. Dont abandon me. So he stayed. He put off moving out and having his independence for another four years, just so I wouldnt be upset.
A couple of weeks back, when he was packing his boxes because he finally wanted to move, I pleadedAre you really going to leave me again? After everything Ive done for you?
Thats when he turned to me, and Id never heard his voice like that. He told me the phrase was like a chain around his neck ever since he was a child. That every time I said it, it made him feel suffocated. That hes never felt he could make his own choiceswhat to study, who to love, where to live. He said Id mixed up sacrifice with control.
He said to me, word for word: Mum, I didnt ask to be born. I dont owe you my life. You chose to be my mother. Every time you say that, youre manipulating me.
It was hard to hear. But I did hear it. Now, I honestly have no idea how to fix it.
What would you suggest I do?
