So, what do you mean were getting a divorce? Simon, are you joking?
Julia stared at her husband in utter disbelief. Divorce? After nearly twenty-five years together? Their silver wedding anniversary was just two weeks away. Should they scrap the whole celebration now? The invitations had gone out, guests were set to descend from all over the country. Friends wouldn’t stop ringing to ask what gifts to buy. Her oldest and dearest friend, Charlotte, had already posted a present, apologising for not making it on account of being six months pregnant and grounded by her doctor. Let her rest at home Julia and Charlotte would celebrate later. Charlotte had practically founded Julia and Simons union, having introduced the two at university. On their wedding day, Charlotte shouted Kiss! Kiss! at the top of her lungs, dodging the brides bouquet, which Julia didnt even bother tossing instead, she gave it to her friend.
I dont understand why your Peters taking so long. Hell regret missing out on a girl like you, Julia said, as Charlotte fussed with her hair.
Hes just biding his time, Julia. Cant have an under-ripe husband, or youll be divorced in two years and splitting up everything. Better to wait for the proper harvest!
Thats planning ahead for two years! Julia giggled, watching Charlotte fix her makeup with fierce determination.
I dont do things by halves. If youre going to jump in, do it properly!”
And kids, Char? Straight away?
Yes! Twins! Suffer once, complete the set straight away. Both sides in the family have a track record for twins.
Whos going to raise the set?
Twos easier than one, declared Charlotte.
Whys that? Julia was always interested in her friend’s practicality. Charlotte had a knack for mischief as a child but was rarely caught; she always thought through the consequences, bringing along any accomplice she deemed worthy. Only those too clever for their own good learned the hard way.
Its simple, Jules. Healthy competition, built-in playmate, and the glory of being Mother of the Year for raising two at once. Need more reasons?
No! I dont doubt youll get all that you want, Charlotte, Julia laughed, and she was right. Only fate, with its unique sense of irony, made it triplets rather than twins. As if to see how Charlotte coped.
And cope she did. By that time, her husbands family had fully accepted her, helped in no small part by Charlottes ability to treat everyone with pleasant equality and her willingness to roll up her sleeves when needed usually by efficiently organising her husband to lend a hand, even if he would rather do anything else.
When the time comes, well need help and I dont want to be left out in the cold. Want chips and mushrooms for dinner? Then, zip over to your mums and sort out her new wardrobe itll take you a couple of hours, and shell be thrilled, Charlotte would say.
So, when help was needed with the children, two grandmothers and a grandfather were ready at any hour. Charlotte raised her tiny triplets to health, then surprised everyone by enrolling at university.
Char! Are you insane? How did you think youd do it all? Julia was aghast.
Who dares give a bad grade to a mother of three? Charlotte grinned. My brain wont rot on maternity leave, and after, Ill be both an economist and a solicitor. Whats to lose?
Diploma achieved, Charlotte found a job soon after, persuading her new employer that her salary would cover a nanny.
But thats just enough, Char! Whats left for you?
First, I dont need a nanny yet granny brigade has that sorted. Second, Jules, I need experience. No matter whats written on a certificate, whod have you if you cant do anything in practice? Experience matters. A couple of years at the bottom and then you choose your terms, Charlotte reasoned.
Julia marveled at Charlottes energy. How could a woman manage so much without burning out, while Julia herself tended to dither and stall even over minor choices?
But if you do choose, you always make the perfect decision. Youre a true conservative, Julia the most trustworthy sort, Charlotte would reassure her.
Trustworthy? Clearly not enough for Simon. How could he? Why? Theyd settled into a life together, even accepting the absence of children long ago they had faced that sorrow. Julia volunteered at childrens homes, but realised she couldnt take in anothers child not for lack of strength or resources, but a fear shed be unable to love as a mother should. What was that, exactly, she couldnt define, but knew simple goodwill wasnt enough.
You just havent met your child yet, the matron of one home had told Julia, as they watched children dance round the Christmas tree. Youll know when you do nothing can stop you then.
And if I never see them? If Im not meant to be a mother?
Then youre not. The calmness of the response shook Julia. Better that than to attempt it and fail then there are two broken hearts. There are some children whove been returned twice.
Good heavens! How? Hes just a little lad, isnt he?
Six next birthday. First was a foundling taken in, then the couple had their own, and returned him it happens sadly often. Second time, the family miscalculated too many children, not enough love to go round. The poor mite even stopped eating.
Julia shuddered, and a sobering conversation with Charlotte steadied her from making any rash decisions.
Are you sure youve got the love for it? If its just pity, stop dont betray a child like the others have, Charlotte cautioned.
Julia withdrew, quietly supporting from afar, but the little boy Michael haunted her. He became a beacon, reminding her to live carefully, never inflicting pain. That lesson stayed with her for good.
Shivering, Julia hugged herself. Why did it feel so cold, even though it was only autumn and the heating was on? Where to now? Should she help Simon pack his things did he need warm jumpers? English weather could turn any day. She remembered her mothers house in Devon: long summers, walking the rolling hills in nothing but a light jacket, venturing into the moors
All she wanted was to hide away with her mother in the countryside but her mother was gone, and now Simon, too.
God, she didnt want this freedom she wanted her husband, their shared mornings and impromptu evening chats, their spontaneous trips to the West End or the countryside. The best times had always been unplanned; Simon would ring in the middle of a workday, saying,
Jules, what are you up to?
Too much! Two interviews, then I must dash to the bank.
Oh, leave it. Come on, lets have a wander.
And she would, walking with Simon beneath the trees, talking or simply savouring peaceful silence.
But now, that happiness was the past. It was hers alone; Simon had new prospects a new partner, soon to have a child. Was that it? Or was their marriage a facade all along? The first she might have accepted, but the second was more cruel if she couldnt make one person truly happy in all these years, who was she?
Julia stood at the kitchen window, knees pressed to the radiator, frozen in place as Simon banged about packing. She trembled so hard even the potted plant Charlotte had given her shifted towards the edge. When the front door finally slammed, Julia unclenched her palms, pressed her fingertips against the sill, then swept the heavy pot to the floor and screamed.
No relief. The dark soil mixed with shattered pottery on the kitchen tiles felt apt; everything in her life was now black and broken. The light had left, closing the door behind it.
Except not quite all.
Julia walked through broken shards to the bedroom, picked up her phone.
Chaaaaar The cry was raw, closer to a wounded animal than a sob.
Charlotte understood straight away.
Simons left you?
Yes
Ill be there tomorrow.
Dont be ridiculous! Julia protested, mind snapping back to old habits at her friends bossy tone. Dont you dare, you mustnt travel like this. If anything happened, Id never forgive myself Wait Did you know?
Not exactly. Suspected. Last time you both visited, Simon didnt look at me. Now it adds up. Julia, its all for the best.
What? Whats for the best? Ive lost everything! My lifes over what am I supposed to do now?
Buy yourself a dress.
What? Julia nearly dropped the phone.
You heard. The one you wouldnt buy because of the price. Go now. Buy it. Dont sit home howling it wont change a thing. Get the dress, get on a flight or train, and come to me. Well go to the hills.”
Charlotte rang off. Julia blinked in confusion at her phone. What now?
She stood in front of the mirror. Not a young girl anymore, but not an old woman either. She still had something left. Was Dennis, her ex-husband, right to think shed just curl up in a corner? No. Charlotte was right, she needed to move.
Messages dispatched, bookings cancelled, appointments cleared, Julia swept the dirt from the kitchen with a broom, not even bothering with the vacuum. Shed replace the pot later.
The dress fit perfectly bold and red, nothing like her usual muted palette. Charlotte loved striking fashion, flaunted it, whereas Julia had always been a background observer, but today she wore the colour like armour. Why not? Had she become so boring, so invisible? No the mirror showed a woman tired and shaken, but not broken. She understood why Simon had gone hed struggled too. They had become more companions than lovers; its always hardest to part with a friend.
Her trip back west involved a missed connection but that was almost welcome, a distraction. Julia and Charlotte walked the local trails, talking or just being together, with Charlotte dispensing perspective until everything that had seemed of tidal importance faded away.
Come back, Charlotte said as their impromptu holiday drew to a close. Theres room for another childrens centre here. Your fathers health isnt what it was, you always wanted him close. Start over.
Julia agreed.
The divorce, sale of the house and car, letting go of the business shed poured herself into it all gradually faded into memory. She met Simon a couple more times to sort things, holding herself together, then deleted his number and forced herself to let go.
Spring in Devon greeted her with blossom-laden apple trees and fresh sunlight. She didnt move in with her father, buying a place nearby instead. When Julia visited one day, she ran into a gentle, motherly woman leaving her fathers home with a warm smile. Julia realised it was best for her father to have someone with him. Julia felt relief; if her mother was gone, why shouldnt her father find happiness again?
A fine catch, your dad, isnt he, dear? the new lady said to Julia, and she saw that infamous true love does exist sometimes hard-won, sometimes freely given, sometimes coy and hidden away.
Hope sparked. If her father could find his soulmate so late in life, perhaps her own new beginning was waiting out there.
The year flew by. Julia opened two childrens centres in nearby towns work kept her busy, yet loneliness would sometimes creep in at night. She wondered what shed give for the old days, just to hear Simon make tea, assure her all would be well. She knew logically she had to let go, but some part of her soul refused.
Over a year after selling her business, a tax query forced a return visit up to London. The problem solved, she found a free afternoon, so she revisited the area where shed been both happiest and most miserable.
One centre had closed, the other still thrived. Julia noticed a young teacher roaring like a bear for the delighted children. Excellent, she smiled to herself the right energy, plenty of imagination.
On an impulse, Julia wandered to her old street, then to their favourite park. There, on a bench by the fountain, a man sat bouncing a pram back and forth. Recognition struck it was Simon. He looked older, hair now white, slumped and haggard, a man diminished by sorrow. Julia was swept by compassion whatever had happened, she knew how to help.
Simon
He flinched at her voice but greeted her quietly.
How are you?
He stilled the pram, looking up.
Awful, Julia. Ive lost everything good in my life. Ruined it, for a fleeting chance.
She nodded at the pram. Boy or girl?
A girl. Eva.
New wife, a baby havent you everything?
Simon shook his head, pain clouding his face. No wife. Emilys gone. Labour was complicated.
Julias shocked intake of breath wasnt for herself but for Emily, the young woman whose brief moment of temptation had upended so many lives. Nobody really knew why Simon, normally so controlled, had let things slip that one holiday party, but the result now slumbering in the pram was undeniable.
They sat in silence until Eva woke, opening her eyes to see the lights flickering on across the park.
Julia rose to look at the child, and a memory stirred.
When you see your child, youll understand, Julia! That old voice rang clear.
Six months later, the matron from the childrens home brought in a solemn, dark-haired boy and left Julia with him.
Michael, do you know why Im here?
For me.
Would you like to live with me?
Michael regarded her dispassionately. I dont think youll take me.
He glanced at a photo on her phone. Is that your husband?
Yes.
And this your daughter?
No, Michael, not mine.
The faint flicker in his eyes grew a little. Shes not, but Ill be her mum. And yours. If you want.
Youll send me back, he said flatly.
Why?
Everyone does.
Im not everyone. Do you know why?
No.
Because I know what it is to lose everything. When theres nothing left and no one loves you. It hurts terribly.
I know.
Do you know what a mum is, Michael?
No.
Shes the one who wont ever let her child be hurt like that.
Do you just feel sorry for me?”
Julia looked straight at him. No. I dont want to pity you I want to love you. I want you to be happy. And I want Eva that little girl to have an older brother. Strong and brave. Will you help me?
Michael traced the sleeve of Julias red dress. I like your dress.
I like it too. Bought it when life was terrible and it helped. Now, I love the colour.
I want to try.
No, Michael, we wont try. We will do this together. Help me learn to be a mum will you?
He nodded.
A couple of years later, you could see a family of four trekking an English hillside: a lanky, dark-haired boy keeping an eye on his irrepressible young sister, Julia and Simon trailing just behind.
Eva, there are wolves in these woods! warned Michael.
No there aren’t!
And bears! Huge and always hungry.
Their mums havent fed them?
No, she never learned to make porridge, Michael grinned.
Well, our mum can! Eva replied proudly.
Can you make porridge for the bears, Mum? Michael winked.
Julia, running to catch up, laughed. They like it lumpy, dont they, darling?
Mum! You know I dont! Eva protested.
What a pickle! That means more for the bears. And the honey we bought yesterday well give them all that too!
Not on your life! I like the honey, said Julia, and scooped up Eva.
Youre going to ride all the way, are you? Off you go to Dad, please!
She handed Eva to Simon, ruffled Michaels hair, and surveyed her family.
Mum, can we stay out a bit longer? Eva will try and adopt all the wildlife if were not careful.
Julia grinned. Lets wait on feeding the bears, shall we? I promise to work on my porridge.
Okay! Eva agreed at once, to her brothers amusement.
What a pair, Julia said fondly.
Laughter rippled among the hills, rising and falling with the wind, as the promising dawn broke over the countryside. For in every complicated happiness, no matter how dark the middle, the story can find its way to a new beginning if only you have the courage to keep walking forward, one step at a time.
