You used to be older, and now you just feel old your husband left, never knowing about the surprise
Clara waits nervously, watching the doctor, hoping for a verdict, but hes still busy scribbling away in her file. She hasnt visited a doctor in years, but now, here she sits in this modern, yet somehow impersonal, office ridden with ominous dread. Overcoming embarrassment just to see this gynaecologist cost her no small effort, but her GP insisted she see all the specialists, and today, unfortunately, there are no female doctors on duty. Not wanting to wait any longer, Clara, for the first time in her life, broke her own rule.
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Is it something serious? Clara cant bear the silence anymore, and the doctor finally looks up at her over his glasses.
Youre thirteen weeks pregnant, he confirms, then turns back to his paperwork, telling her to wait a little longer.
Clara sits stunned. She gasps for air, like a fish out of water, unable to form words.
How can I possibly be pregnant? she finally manages in a whisper.
Ordinary, I assure you, he replies, pushing her notes aside as if preparing for another entry. You werent aware?
Absolutely nothow could I be? I just figured my cycle was irregular at my age.
I see He chooses his words carefully. At this stage, its too late to arrange a termination. But at your age and with this being your first pregnancy, labour might come with complications. Youll need to prepare yourself, take meticulous care, and follow all the adviceif you decide to keep the baby.
Do I really have a choice? Clara wants to say shes never wanted anything morethis child is her lifes dreambut she simply shrugs.
Some women ask for exceptions, and some doctors make allowances, usually on medical grounds. If its urgent, things can be arranged.
Clara stands abruptly, realising his implication, and tersely replies, That wont be necessary.
Very well. In that case, Ill order some tests, prescribe some vitamins
No, thank you! Clara gathers her things, Ill be seeking care elsewhere.
The doctors suggestion leaves her chilled. She knows she cannot trust him.
Out in the corridor, she wants to call her husband, Nicholas, but her phone has died. Clara sits, thinking. She can’t believe the diagnosis. How is this possible? She and Nicholas have been married twenty-five years. Their silver anniversary approaches. They tried everything for a babyendless consultations met with shrugs, both declared healthy. Holidays, therapies, even a clairvoyant recommended by Nicholas sisternothing worked; ten years ago they stopped trying. When fate didnt oblige, they stopped pushing, accepted the cards they were dealt. And now, when theyve given up hoping, shes finally pregnant. Miraculous.
On the taxi ride home, Clara can only think about Nicholas, sure hell be overjoyed. Just recently hed spoken wistfully about a friend whose fourth son had been bornhis eldest twenty-four! When Clara asked if it wasnt a bit late for another child, Nicholas said, If I became a father now, I wouldn’t care about age, Id move mountains. Hed be thrilled.
A sudden idea flashes. Clara decides not to tell Nicholas just yet. Their anniversary dinner is next weekshell surprise him then! What a gift it will be. Shell ring the restaurant, change the cake ordera three-tiered rose affairfor something baby-themed: maybe teddy bears, rattles, perhaps even a marshmallow pregnancy test for fun. When the cake arrives and Nicholas sees it, shell tell him. What a surprise!
But sometimes, life doesnt go to plan. For Clara, it unravels altogether. The days leading up to the celebration pass in a daze. She doesnt even notice Nicholass change in behaviour. She assumes hes concerned for hershe has been unwell lately, headaches, nausea, random fatigue, neglecting him. Thats why she finally went to the doctor, and when she learned the real reason, a weight lifted. Now her morning nausea feels joyful. Nicholas worries about her, and she feels a bit guilty, but soon hell know everything and be delighted.
On the eve of their anniversary, as Clara tries on her new dress, Nicholas comes home early with a bouquet of peach liliesjust like the very first flowers he ever gave her when hed tried to win her heart.
She feels for a moment like her younger selfthe girl everyone in the neighbourhood fancied, but only Nicholas, two years her junior, caught her attention. She remembers the note hed lobbed through her ground-floor window, perched on the sill like a determined schoolboy, the fright shed had when she spotted his head behind the curtain, and the unexpected delight of his bold declaration. Back then, she was in year nine and he in year seven, but his dogged courtship made other boys green with envy. Hed slip her love notes and chocolate into her bag, chalk up the best compliments to Clara in the playground.
Her classmates teasedout of jealousy, really, that they themselves wouldnt dare anything so bold. Nicholas, meanwhile, remained utterly devoted, endlessly expressing his undying love, though she never replied, even when prompted.
One day, her class and his ended up in joint sports because of a cancelled English lesson. Her mates pounced:
So, Romeo, planned the honeymoonCosta del Sol or a paddle down the Thames? laughed Billy Sorenson.
No, Clara will take himshell graduate first, get a job before him, Nik Carter grinned.
Clara, you’d better pick someone elsethis ones too young for you! piped up Robby, another classmate.
Thats when Nicholas snapped, and a scuffle broke out. The PE teacher broke them up, and after school, Nicholas cornered Clara and blurted:
Clara, ignore them, youre not oldyoure only two years ahead of me and Ill love you forever! He dashed off, red-faced.
More trouble with the little boys? sniggered one girl, Michelle.
Just ignore him already, scoffed Tanya.
Oh, dont be jealous, Lena defended. My aunts nine years older than her husband and theyre happy. Two years is nothing.
No, there should be a real age gap. The man should be older, countered Inga, the class swot.
Oh, get realthirty years, maybe, but two is nothing! Lena insisted.
Lets drop it, Clara finally interjected, laughing. Im not marrying him, honestly! Hes just a kid. My mum says never to mock these feelings; the pain can last a lifetime. If anything, his wife will be luckyhes a real romantic. He doesnt bother me at all.
Afterwards, the girls dropped it, and the boys came to accept Nicholas’ defeat of their half-hearted efforts.
As the years went by, Clara thought Nicholas would move on, fall in love for real, but his notes and chocolates continued, and one spring day he left lilies on her windowsill.
She grew accustomed to his affection. After school, they went to the same college. He was in another group, but asked her out now and then, and she agreed. Then he left for national service. She found herself missing him, wrote letters, saw no one else. As soon as he came home, Nicholas proposed.
But Im old for you! Clara joked.
Never joke about that. I will love you all my life, he said, and he meant it. She had grown to love him too, and could see herself spending her life at his side.
Now, after all those happy years, Nicholas stands before her, lilies in hand, gaze distant, no warmth in those grey eyes.
Clara is suddenly wary. Nicholas wastes no time.
Clara, well have to cancel the anniversary. Will you ring the restaurant?
Whats happened? Claras mind reelssomething terrible must have happened. The restaurants paid for, guests invitedwhats going on?
He cant meet her eye: Look, Clara, we had all those years together, and I thought I was happy. But a few months ago, I met someone else and Ive fallen for her. My grandmother was rightwhen we met, I was too immature; you were older then, and now well, now youre just older. Only a couple of years, but still. Shes young, beautiful, slimoh God, listen to me, sorry, that’s not the pointwhat matters is, Karinas pregnant. Im finally going to be a father, and thats why I have to choose her. I know youre hurt, but please, can we part without bitterness? Thank you for everythingwe need to go our separate ways. Im sorry.
Clara feels as though every organ has been twisted. Leave, she whispers, then, Go! I want you gone. Dont worry about your thingsIll pack them. Just leave! she half-screams, clutching her stomach.
Nicholas leaves without a backward glance. As soon as hes gone, Clara dials emergency services.
She cannot process how someone she’s shared joy and sorrow with could betray her so completely. But perhaps everything is fleeting, even love. Despite it all, Clara realises she has known true happiness. Some never do, and for a time, she did. She decides not to resent her ex. Exwhat a cruel word. Let him chase his new happinessthere’s no dictating the heart. As for herself, she’ll find joy in the child she’s carrying, the last kindness fate could offer in her darkest moment.
Doctors work tirelessly to save Claras baby, and they succeed, though shes advised to remain hospitalised until term. She agrees readily, telling friends shes off travellingshe wants no one to know about the late pregnancy until the babys born. Her mother, longing for a grandchild, visits every day, doting endlessly and keeping spirits high with home-cooked meals and fruit on their daily walks around the hospital grounds.
Now and again Nicholas callsasks Clara not to hate him and Karina, even asks to meet, but Clara reassures him, wishes him happiness, and eventually he stops ringing, though he sends a final text: You were always the best woman. Im sorry for everything.
And Clara forgives him. Life is too short for grudges; a heart full of resentment cant allow joy back in. She speaks to her unborn child, promising they will be okay, with a loving mum and a doting granny. Its only sad that the babys granddad will never meet them.
The months fly by, except the last which seems endless. But at last, her precious baby is borna healthy baby boy. Clara gazes at him in disbelief, overjoyed at her miracle. Her mother is in raptures. Clara pays for a private room; with her savings interest, she can afford not to work until her son grows.
One evening, as baby soundly sleeps, Clara dozes off herself, awakened only by the bustle outside in the corridorraised voices, hurried footsteps, the rattle of a trolleyand then, peace.
In the morning, Clara jumps up, realising her son hasnt cried all night. Is he all right? She finds him sleeping peacefully in his crib, relief flooding her. Still, she wants advice and heads to the nurses’ station.
Hes fine, the nurse says briskly. But you must feed him and change his nappy. Youll manage.
Is something wrong? Clara asksshe expected more thorough explanations, not this hands-off approach.
The nurse shrugs, evidently tired, We had a bad night. Didnt you hear? A woman died after a car accidentthey saved her baby girl, but the mum didnt make it. The dad died on the spot. That babys an orphan now. Police have been around, weve been up all night.
Clara nods, sympathy welling, and hurries back to her son, grateful.
She finds herself shy of holding him, gently stroking his tiny hands until he stirs. My darling boy, she whispers, tears streaming, so beautiful time for breakfast.
She feeds and changes him, and the doctor comes on her round.
Its rare for mums your age to have plenty of milk, the doctor remarks, your strong boy is lucky. But youll need to express as wellhe wont need it all, and you dont want mastitis.
Ill try, Clara promises. But she struggles. Nothing works, and after a few tries she asks the doctor for help again.
Its difficult sometimes. You can use a pump, or she hesitates with a meaningful look, there’s an easier way if you agree: another baby in need. Youve enough milk for two, and there’s a little girl left without her mother. If youre willing, we can bring her to feed.
Clara hesitates. The thought of feeding an orphan, a strangers childwill she become too attached? But, she reasons, her milk can do good.
Soon, they bring the baby girl. Clara carefully cradles hersuch a beauty! She cant help but see a resemblance to her own son, though perhaps all new-borns look alike.
The girl feeds hungrily. When shes taken away, a stray thought sparks in Claras mind: if only she had a son and daughter. But she thanks fate for her blessing, and prepares for discharge.
Clara names her boy George, for her late father. Both mum and child are well. When she feeds the baby girl for the last time, she asks:
What will happen to her?
Shell go to a childrens home, the young nurse sighs.
Thats awful. I wish I could take herlook after her myself.
Well, it has happenedwhere one mum adopted anothers child, said where theres one, theres room for two.
Its that simple?
Theres red tape, but yes, it can be done.
The next morning, Clara asks the doctor straight out:
Dr. Jenkins, could I adopt that little girlthe orphan?
You cant, sadly, comes the gentle reply. She has a grandfather whos applying for custody. Shell go to him.
Clara tries to be pleased for the girlfamily is bestbut she cant help her lingering regret.
At home, Claras mum has made everything ready and invites their closest friends. When everyone leaves, and her mum, promising to stay and help, slips away for a nap, theres a ring at the door.
A middle-aged man stands there, sorrowful and hesitant.
Good afternoon, Mrs. Clarkemy names Bernard Bernard Stanley. I got your address from the hospital, Im afraidI insisted.
Do come in, Clara says, taking him into the kitchen.
Mrs. Clarke, are you married? he asks abruptly.
Divorced. May I ask why?
I was told you breastfed my granddaughter at the hospital. Im very grateful. Actually, I wanted to askwould you continue, if possible?
But how? Clara is baffled.
I know its a strange request, but I could offer you and your son a home, and Ive already found a nurse for my granddaughterthered be no extra burden, just feeding the little one. After losing my daughter in the accident, my granddaughters all I have left, and the doctors say she needs breast milk. If youd like, the nurse could help with your son too.
Thats really not possibleIve only just come home after nearly half a year.
Im begging you. The house is big, theres plenty of room. If you prefer, Ill send a car for you three times a dayan hours drive each way, but it seems wasteful and exhausting. I promise youd want for nothing, Id pay you well, but above all make sure youre comfortable.
Im sorry, that just feels wrong, Clara says quietly.
Very well, my apologies, he gets up and leaves his card, but if you reconsider, do call me.
Clara sees him out.
The cheek! says her mum, stepping out, I heard everything.
Mum, that little girlI would have taken her if I could.
Her mother hugs her and soothes her, Dont worry yourself or you’ll lose your milk. Focus on your little boy.
Mum, Clara starts, what if I did agree? Just for a few months. But only if youll be there too.
They say youre never grown up while your parents are alive, her mum chuckles. Youre still my child. But if you feel its the right thing, of course Ill come.
Clara calls Bernard and sets her own termsher mother must join them. He welcomes them gladly, and within hours Clara has the little girl, Millie, in her arms again.
And again, she notices how much Millie resembles George.
Clara finds Bernards home spacious and inviting, not at all intimidating.
One day, while the children nap and her mum’s out, Clara flicks through an album on the coffee table. On the last page, she finds a photo of Nicholasher ex-husbandembracing a much younger woman.
Bernards voice startles her: Didnt mean to scare you, Clara. Missing home, were you?
Whos this? she gestures at the photo.
Thats Karinamy daughter, Millies mother. I wasnt happy about her relationship with that manin fact, he was my contemporary, and married when they met. I tried talking to them both, but they wouldnt listen. He divorced his wife, said it was because they had no children, promised to cherish Karina always. But fate intervened, and now, had I stood in their way, Id blame myself forever.
SoGeorge and Millie, they’re siblings! Clara blurts before thinking.
What? Bernard doesn’t follow. Clara explains everything.
I have to say, you are remarkable, Bernard says, moving closer. Nicholas spoke so warmly of you. Thank you for your incredible kindness.
Clara sheds a quiet tear.
Now now, dont let it upset you.
I didnt even know Nicholas had died. But we cant fight fate. May they rest in peace
A year slips by. Clara and George remain in Bernards house. One morning, Bernard appears at her door carrying a basket of snowdrops, sitting gently at the end of her bed.
Clara, you probably see where this is going. The children will soon understand everythingthey need proper parents. What would you say to us marrying and raising them together?
I suspected this would come, Clara replies softly. I have no objections. We all deserve happiness.
Bernard slips a ring onto her finger.
Its a bit clichéd, but I want everyone to know youre takenespecially with all the men turning to look at you.
Dont be silly, at my age
Age is in your mind, Clara. Youre the mum of two wonderful kids, and the happiest, loveliest woman I know. I love you deeply.
And Iwith all my heartlove you too.
So began a new chapter: a home bursting with joy, laughter, and love. Claras mother, now a granny twice over, is over the moon.
Happiness finds you when you keep your heart wide openready to let it in.
