Why arent you at school, Lily? Julia set the heavy shopping bags down by the front door, sighing as she leaned back against the wall.
What a day it had been. There was chaos at work and her supervisor had been at her again, and now it looked like her youngest daughter had brought another problem to the threshold. Was she never to have a moments peace?
Mum, my tummy hurts. Lily stood by the nursery door, her arms limp at her side, her small frame bent forward.
Julia frowned. That stance, which Lily had adopted far too frequently of late, irritated her. Was it really so hard to stand up straight? Kate and Matthew, her eldest, never slouched like that. Naturally, Kate had gymnastics to keep her posture under constant watch, and Matthews swimming and karate helped his back stay strong. But Lilyshe was like porridge, always drooping and vague. There was always something ailing herher head one day, her stomach the next, or both at once. Though after Julia had given her a telling-off, Lily had at least stopped asking to come home early from school. Why she was home now, Julia hadnt a clue. She didnt want to get into it, either; it was Simons birthday, and she had to get started on dinner. Family would be arriving by evening and everything needed to be just so.
Julia took off her boots and swept past to the kitchen, quickly forgetting about her daughter. Lily, lingering a moment in the hallway, shuffled back to her room. She climbed onto her bed, pulled an old, frayed teddy bearMr Buttonsclose, and let herself fall silent.
She understood perfectly well that her mother was busy and she didnt want to pester her. There was no point, anyway. She had already taken a tablet as soon as she got home, and now the pain was no longer sharp, but rather a small, persistent creature within her, scratching or nibblingsomething that wouldnt let her get comfortable or forget who was really in charge.
As ever, Mr Buttons blinked at her out of his one button eye, which Lily had sewn on after the original was lost. How he did it, she didnt know, but her pain lessened while she held him. With a kiss on his nose for good luck, she sat at the desk she shared with her sister to do her homework. She had to hurry; soon enough Kate would be home from training, and had she not cleared the desk and left everything spotless, her sister would raise such a fuss that their mother would pinch the bridge of her nose and groan, Are you both out to finish me off? Just sort yourselves out for once, will you?
Neither of them ever did sort themselves out. Kate would pinch Lilys arm, hard but out of their parents sight, and hiss, swan-like, just as the birds did that their grandmother took them to feed in summer: Right! Youve had it now.
That meant Lily would have to bite on the corner of her pillow and wait. And come evening, after the lights in the nursery were out, her sisters lesson would begin, leaving Lily sitting miserably on the bench in the school gym for days, too sore for PE, blushing as classmates laughed: Evans, again? Happens a bit too often for you! Maybe get yourself checked out.
Lilys classmates all loved PE, only skipping it for two reasons: a doctors letter, or… well, everyone knew the other, especially in their Year 11, so advanced in biology that nothing stayed secret long.
Hiding bruises from her sisters talk, Lily would sit in lessons lost in her books, knowing the only thing that pleased her parents were her grades. Not that any would doonly the best mattered. She did like learning, really she did, if only her health would stop letting her down. But shed learned early not to talk about it. Shed only answer directly if asked, or when she had to explain an absence. Complaints had proved fruitlessher mother dismissed her pain as make-believe, and her father didnt care to listen. Shed hear, At your age? Whatever could be wrong? Kate and Matthew never have your problems. Why is it always you?
As a little girl, Lily would cry at that. As a teen she just quietly fetched pills from the medicine cabinetshown to her once by her grandmother after a hospital visitand got on with living. By eleven, she already knew which to take for headaches, which for stomach pain. By fifteen, she was an expert on her problems and had stopped asking advice.
Homework waited. Her head grew heavy and she only sat, idly turning over her exercise books. She set her favouritebiologyaside for now and opened her maths notebook.
She was puzzling out a new theorem when Kate barrelled into the nursery, her shout knocking Lily halfway off her chair.
Youre still here?! Move, Ive got revision for my exams!
Lily quickly gathered her books, before Kates idea of tidyingwhich meant everything of Lilys swept to the floor, pens and pencils spinning after.
Im done!
Good! Now vanish, and dont come back. Stans coming over, and youre the last thing I need here!
Ill help Mum then.
Go wherever. Not my problem. Kate spun in front of the mirror, grabbing her make-up bag.
The red bag was the envy of all Kates team. Julia spared no expense on cosmetics for her eldest, believing if a girl was to use them, they should be quality, never cheap.
Lily, of course, would never even dream of such things.
Whats there for you to paint up, for heavens sake? Julia would say, rotating Lilys chin to the light. The window here revealed all; the girl clearly needed a skin specialist, or at least a proper skin care set. Julia would sigh and let her go. Kate never had spots like that. Mines clear, never needed creams. You, I dont know who you take after. Even your fathers skin wasnt this bad. Go and wash more. No need for make-up. Anyway, youre too young to worry about boys!
But boys never crossed Lilys mind. She was frightened to consider such thingswho would want her, after all? Grandma may have told her time and again, Itll pass, sweetheart, but Lily paid no heed. One look at her mother and sister told her everythingshe was plain, skinny, spotty, wore thick glasses, and had no hope of ever hearing, Julia, what a beautiful girl you have! That phrase always belonged to Kate.
Everyone doted on Kate, from relatives to neighbours: petite, graceful, lovely as a china doll. Shed lower her lashes modestly when praised, having learnt just how to behave in public. Only Lily knew what her sister was really like.
Watching Kate, muttering and tossing her books around, Lily somehow felt nothing but pity for her sister. Shed never dare say soshe knew too well what that would earn herbut she remembered her grandmothers words:
Its a sin to laugh at the unfortunate, and just as bad to harbour anger. If someones poor in spirit, Lily, thats the real sorrownot for others, but for themselves. Life passes them by, and if no sweetness ever comes to wake their soul, its as black and desolate as burnt earth. One day, something will prick that heartjust a touch of warmthand theyll realise all theyve missed thanks to their own bitterness. Thats the worst fateknowing one has become, and living with it. Some may never change, but the knowledge will wear them down just the same.
Lily tried her best to remember everything her grandma said, for Mrs Gale was the only one in the family who loved her for herself, who never thought her surplus to requirements.
Even with Matthew, her relationship was strange but at least not badthough he now largely ignored both his sisters, having found new friends as he grew.
Surplus. Lily first heard herself called that at five years old. Her parents had argued late into the night. Shed clutched the then-brand-new Mr Buttons in fright, overhearing:
I said we didnt need another child! But you thought it was too late, though my mother offered you options, even said shed arrange it.
Arrange it? Shes always ever thought of herself! Shed never care what happened to meor to the children we already have. My mums too old, and yours, I wouldnt leave a kitten with, let alone children!
Dont you dare! My mother raised me and I turned out fine. She just didnt want an extra mouth to feed. Two children, one boy and one girl, should have been enough.
It was enough for me, but you were the one who wanted to relive your youth, running wild and camping. Well, now we have an extra mouth. What could we do, once she was here?
Nothing, now. Her fathers footsteps were heavy, and Lily buried her nose beneath the covers. Back then, her bed was still in the parents room of her grandmas small flat. Youre right Its all a bit pointless.
What is? The child?
No, arguing over what already is.
They whispered for a while, then switched off the lamp.
If she truly was so unwanted, Lily thought, maybe she should just leavethen her parents would be satisfied too, and scolding from Grandpas side would cease.
She knew exactly one person in the world who truly loved her: Grandma Gale. Never mind she lived far; Lily remembered the train journey, and so she figured out where to find the train station.
Come Sunday, when nursery was closed, she rose early, crept quietly out to where her small bag was readyher favourite book and her new socks with pom-poms inside. Mr Buttons eyed her from his perch on the hallway table as she pulled on her wellies and raincoat.
Dont look at me like thatits muddy out and Grandmas village is always worse when its autumn! I just need to leave quietly, alright? Then no one will worry.
Lily got almost to the bus stop before being caught by Mrs Jennings, the neighbour.
Where are you off to, Lily? Wheres your mum?
At home.
With your dad, then?
No. Im on my own.
On your own? Really? And where are you meant to be going?
To see Gran.
By yourself? Why?
Because Im surplus. But not with Gran. Goodbye.
She nodded politely, as Mum had taught her, walking on, but Mrs Jennings, caught off guard a moment by Lilys odd remark, recovered and caught up.
Lily, how will you get to Grandmas?
On the train!
You cant board a train by yourself.
Lily stopped, fixing her with a serious gaze. Why not?
You need documents, your mum or dads passport and your birth certificate. Theyre needed to buy a ticket.
Like you need for the coach?
Yes. Only for the coach you can travel without papers, but not for the train. Did you bring them?
Lily shook her head.
No
Well, then, lets go fetch them. Well pop back to yours, and you can get what you need, alright?
Trusting, Lily slipped her hand into Mrs Jenningss, and told Mr Buttons, Well be right back, and off again soon. Just waitwont be long.
Her parents only realised shed vanished when the neighbour, holding Lily firmly by the hand, rang the Evans doorbell. Julia, frying pancakes in the kitchen, grimaced and turned off the gas.
Who can it be at this hour?
Seeing Mrs Jennings and Lily at the door, Julia called her husband.
A short, muddled conversation followed. Under her fathers stern gaze, Lily shrunk, clutching Mr Buttons, and scurried off to her room where a drowsy Kate greeted her.
What have you done now?
She spent that Sunday standing in the cornerher fathers punishment, not to come out until he gave leave. Kate stuck her tongue out at her weeping sister, laughed, then after a while, handed her Mr Buttons.
There you are! Stop crying! Dads never truly angry for long. You should have thought before you acted.
Lily had heard those words as long as she could remember and always blamed her head for never thinking as it was supposed to.
Grandma would laugh at her musings and say, Lily, not everyone lives by their head. Some of us live by hearta blessing or a curse, you cant help how youre made.
Why is it bad, Grandma? Lily would ask, puzzled.
Because hearts can be gentle or mean, soft or jealous. Thats why it takes a head to hold it in checkto weigh up whats best to do, what may follow.
And whats mine like?
Yours, my darling? Pure gold. Thats why I sometimes worry for you.
Why?
Id hate to see you hurt.
For whatever reason, Lily remembered her grandmothers words perfectly, and whenever things went wrong, she found herself reassured: perhaps she wasnt so bad, if Grandma Gale believed she had a good heart.
After that failed escape, Lily never tried to break free again. Kate and Matthew made it plain: Children belong to their parents. You cant change anything until you grow up. So she waited eagerly for eighteen, preparing for life her own way. She picked her path and told her mother, braced for the row.
A vet? Really, Lily, what next?
Why not, Mum?
Because thats not a real job! Be like your sisterKates reading Economics, a real living, real prospects. And you?
Mum, please, let me have this.
Oh, do as you please! Honestly, what a burden you are. You never listened to anyone!
Lily quietly listened to the lecture about troublesome children, but inside, she rejoiced! Her plan was taking shape. Shed study alone; parents had flatly refused to pay for extra tuition.
If you thought with your head, like Kate and Matthew, wed help. But noyoure on your own, Lily. Your choice.
The doorbell rang, pulling Lily from her revision. The guests No way to avoid it; she would have to spend her obligatory half-hour at the dinner table with the family.
Lily! Goodness, you look half-starved! They dont feed you? And those dark circlesJulia, the girl needs a doctor! Im worried! Grandma Irene, always elegant, slipped off her gloves, scolding her daughter-in-law.
And wheres Kate? I expect to see her! I phoned three times last week and she didnt answer once. Poor Matthews away, making his own life. But who will help me then?
Grandma, I can come help on Tuesday, Lily offered, watching her mothers face darken further.
No, I want Kate to do it!
I cant, Kate breezed in, kissed Grandmas cheek, and gave Lily a nudge. Move over!
Kate, but
Grandma, you only ever think about yourself! I have my exams, a social life! I cant sit with you all day! Ill visit when I have time.
Very well. Grandma Irenes frown turned to a smile when Kate rushed to answer the door and welcomed Stan.
Everyone, meet my fiancé! Stanley.
Lily slipped back to the kitchen, knowing finally she would be left alone. Helping her mother in silence, she listened to the guests, growing gloomier with each passing exchange.
Well, Kates certainly done well! Smart, pretty, everything going her waytop marks, now engaged! Shame Lilys life is such a muddle.
Imagine! A vet! Why not a doctor? At least thats a proper job.
Lily, long used to being spoken about as if she were inanimate, just listened. What would be the point of saying anything? Her opinion never mattered here.
Kate, taking the fish dish from Lily, rolled her eyes and changed the subject.
You should see the rings we picked! Right, Stan? Absolute perfection!
Lily nodded, grateful, and glanced at the table. Everything looked ready. She could slip away to the kitchen and not a soul would notice. She didnt feel remotely hungry. The pain was coming back and she swallowed another tablet before taking herself off. She slept, not hearing the guests leave or noticing when Kate returned, packing hurriedly for her new home.
Lily slept on.
Next morning, she learned that shed have the room, once shared with Kate, to herself. Her sister was moving in with her fiancé. She could hardly complain.
I wont touch your things, Lily said, helping pack Kates suitcases.
Better not! Kate, stuffing her make-up bag in, stopped, rummaged, and produced a new lipstick, some mascara, and a handful of other bottles. Therelearn how to use them! Its just sad seeing you as you are. Youre a grown-up now, so act like it!
Lily wanted to protest that shed been managing herself for ages, but she didnt. She just touched the coveted tubes and bottles and said softly, Thank you.
The next few years passed as Lily had decided. Nothing but studying filled her life.
Kate, having two babies in quick succession, absorbed all of her parents attention. Lily was grateful for it. She needed the space.
Her announcement that shed finished her degree and was leaving city life behind for good was taken almost calmly.
To the countryside? Lily, youve always been a dreamer! Go on then. But mind, when you crawl back, youll have to work to prove youre fit for the real world.
Such words no longer troubled Lily. She packed, kissed her little nieces and nephews, who adored their gentle, pale aunt, and took the train to her grandmas.
There, she was wanted, at last not surplus anymore.
Gran welcomed her with open arms, though she couldnt resist fussing over Lily swapping city for village life.
Are you sure about this, Lily? Youve always been a town girl. Lifes different out here.
Grandma, so long as youre not turning me out, please let me choose for myself. I feel peaceful here and happy, really happy. Isnt that enough?
Lily settled quickly. The district was large, plenty of work, and she soon became the local expert. She loved the animals, but also found it easy to make friends with their ownersso much so that even the old folk marvelled.
Youve got a bright one there, Gale. Any suitors lined up for her?
It always made Lily laugh, until she met Victor, ten years her senior, who ran a big farm and had a small son from a previous marriage. His wife had died soon after giving birth, and he raised the boy alone, with help from an elderly aunt. Victors mum had passed long before; help was hard to come by. His late wife had been an orphan herself.
A widower with a child? Lily, have you really thought it through? Julia shook her head, uneasy as she glanced at her husband. Couldnt you pick better? You need a man who doesnt come burdened. Why cant you be more like your brother and sister? Their lives turned out just right, but you Oh, Lily!
The kitchen filled with the sharp scent of valerian root, but Lily knew better than to mind. And in truth, Katewhod grown much closer of latewasnt as happy as shed once seemed, nor was Matthew, who couldnt settle down. But there was no point explaining that to her parents. There was no sense in trying to show them what she had come to understand herselfone must live as the heart dictates. And Lilys heart no longer belonged to city life.
The rickety old village bus rattled her home.
Miss Evans, home at last!
Thank you, Mr Valentine! You brought me right to my gatewonderful!
Well, good folk deserve respect. They say youre marrying Victortrue?
Its true.
Good choice! Hes a fine man, and a grand lad hes raising. Youll make a proper family, you will!
A proper familywhats that, Mr Valentine? Lily paused, smiling at his whiskered face.
Its where folk respect each other. Where youre neededand wanted. Where you can feel right at home.
Where they love each other?
You could call it that. Only in the old days here in England, we used another word.
What word?
Cherish. Not pitycherish. You look out for each other, never leave one to suffer alone. If someones hurt, help them if you canor just be kind, often thats enough. Share their joys like theyre your ownthats key.
It sounds complicatedand yet, so simple Lily pondered, then curtsied. Thank you!
For what?
For the lesson! We get taught all sorts at school and university, but never the real important things. Yet youve managed it in a few words. Thank you.
Dont mention it! Will you invite me to the wedding, then?
Of coursewould love you and your wife to come!
Ill be there. You should talk to her about all this; shes far wiser than me.
Id love to, Lily waved to her grandmother, whod come to greet her, and jumped from the bus step. Theres so much I want to talk about now
Two years later, Julia would stride through Lilys spacious house, purse-lipped, slipping into the grannys roomwhere Lily, after Gran suffered a stroke, brought her to livepausing beside the pram holding Lilys baby daughter, frowning at the battered old teddy inside.
Lily! That teddy looks awful. Why put it near the baby?
Lily, tucking Mr Buttons by her daughters side, smiled: He might be old, Mum, but you wouldnt believeshe falls asleep instantly with him, as soon as hes laid beside her.
Strange. Then again, nothing you do surprises me any more. What a mother
Mum
What?
I was. Just what you said. Odd, awkward, unsure. Surplus
Lily gave her a long look, and Julia, blushing, looked away.
But now, Im not. I hope you see that. Lily stood proudly over the pram.
Julia nodded, watching as her daughter hugged her own baby close.
A lively little five-year-old darted in from the kitchen, blowing on a hot pastry in his palm, and dived into Lilys knee.
Mum! Can I have another sweet?
Take the dish from the kitchen, share them with the others. But ask Aunt Kate first if sweets are allowed before lunch, alright?
Julia, watching him go, shook her head. Lily caught her mothers eye and grinned.
Mr Valentine had been rightone must cherish the people fate gives as family. They cant be changed, only accepted. Yet, sometimes, they change themselvesslowly, painfully maybe, but love makes the smallest changes dearer than anything in the world.
Mum, can you take her? The goose is in the oven.Julia hesitated for a heartbeat, but then, almost shyly, stooped to lift her granddaughter, cradling the warm, downy weight and the old teddy that came with her. The babys hand curled sleepily around Julias thumb, grip fierce and trusting.
Lily wiped her hands and glanced through the window: tangled wisteria trailing down the fence, Victors boots by the stoop, Gran dozing softly in the sitting room with the tabby on her lapa patchwork of things perfectly out of place, but somehow wholly right. Her heart surged with an unfamiliar warmth, fierce as midsummer sun.
From somewhere in the kitchen, childrens laughter rang outa rising, irrepressible chorus, as sweet and ragged as birdsong at dawn.
Behind her, Julias voice faltered, softened. She rocked her grandchild and looked, really looked, at her youngest daughter. For the first time, pride mingled with regret in her gaze.
You know, Lily, she murmured, I think youve got it right. I truly do.
Lily smiled, pressing a kiss to her mothers cheek, and for the first time in either memory, Julia leaned gratefully into that embrace.
Outside, the garden swayed in the spring breeze, the old pear tree blossoming above themits branches tangled but bursting with promise. Lily knew that, like the pear tree, she carried the scars and storms of years past, but it no longer mattered.
Surplus or not, she was exactly where she belonged.
She reached out, gently touching both her daughters small fist and her mothers trembling hand, feeling the wild, impossible hope that maybe thisthis ordinary momentwas what it meant, truly, to be cherished.
And as laughter echoed from the next room and her grandmothers voice drifted peacefully through the open door, Lily understood at last: there are no surplus hearts in a home made of love.
