Lily, why arent you at school? Julia sighed as she set down her heavy shopping bags by the front door and leaned back against the wall, her weariness palpable.
What a day it had been! Not only had work been a complete shambles, with her boss berating her again, but now her youngest was giving her grief as well. What kind of punishment was this?
Mum, my stomach hurts, Lily said, standing hunched in the doorway to the childrens room, her arms hanging limply by her sides.
Julia frowned. This pose of Lilys, increasingly frequent in recent months, never failed to irritate her. Was it really so hard to stand up straight? Her older two, Katie and Matthew, managed it well enough. Of course, Katie did gymnastics, so posture was always on display there, and Matthew, with his swimming and karate, never had trouble with his back. But Lily always seemed to dissolve into herself, all lax and worryingly indifferent to everything. Something was always wrong with hertoday her head, tomorrow her stomach, and sometimes both at once. Still, after Julia had scolded her once, Lily hadnt bothered to skip school again. Why she was home early today was a mysteryone that Julia was in no mood to unravel. It was Sashas birthday after all, meaning she needed to get supper underway. Relatives would arrive by evening, and everything needed to be ready.
Discarding her boots, Julia marched into the kitchen, already forgetting about her youngest daughter. Lily lingered for a while in the hallway before slipping back into her room. She climbed up onto her bed, curling around her battered old teddy bear, Mossy, whose shaded button eye watched her quietly.
She understood perfectly well that her mother had no time or energy for her now, and she didnt want to be a nuisance anyway. Why bother? Shed already swallowed a pill as soon as shed walked in from school. The sharp pain had dulled, leaving instead a small, irksome creature wriggling and scratching inside hera persistent reminder of who really ruled things in her world.
Mossy, ever the trusty companion, peered at her with the big black button Lily had sewn on when his real eye disappeared. Somehow, he always helped; she didnt know how, but the pain nearly always faded under his gaze. Sighing, Lily kissed Mossys worn little nose, set him aside, and sat down at the desk she shared with Katie. She needed to seize the moment and get her homework started before her sister arrived home from training. Not only did she have to vacate the desk; she needed to leave it in immaculate order. Otherwise, Katie would storm in, tossing books and pens everywhere in her version of tidying up. If things got too chaotic, Mum would clutch her temples and groan:
Are you two trying to kill me? Settle this yourselves for once!
No one ever did, of course. Katie would simply pinch Lily hard on the arm where the adults couldnt see and hiss, like an enraged swan theyd seen at the pond with Granny in the summer:
Thats it, youve had your fun!
That meant Lily would bite into the corner of her pillow and wait. In the evenings, after Mum turned out the bedroom lights, she would struggle not to cry out as her older sister delivered another educational talk, leaving Lily too bruised to participate in PE for days. Shed sit, head bent over a book on the gym bench, burning with shame as classmates laughed:
Smith, again? That time of the month, is it? Honestly, you might want to get that checked out…
Most of her classmates loved PE, only missing it for two reasons: a doctors note, or those days, an unspoken but hardly secret cause in the biology-literate year nine.
Carefully hiding her bruises after Katies talks, Lily knew the only way to earn her parents praise was through top marks. She actually did enjoy her lessonswhen her health cooperated. But she had long ago learned to keep quiet about her complaints unless directly asked or unless missing class required explanation. There was no point in grumblingnothing ever changed. Her mother dismissed her timid complaints as inventions, her father ignored them altogether. More often than not, shed hear:
What are you on about? What could possibly be wrong at your age? Why do Katie and Matthew never complain? Its always you!
Little Lily had cried, but the older Lily stopped. She simply fetched the tablets her granny had shown her after one trip to the doctor and got on with things. At eleven, she could distinguish between the pills for headaches and those for stomachaches, and by fifteen, she was an old hand, never bothering her mum with questions.
She shouldve started her homework, but her head throbbed, and she only sat, idly flicking through exercise books. She put her favourite biology notebook aside for later and opened her geometry exercise book.
Lily was memorising a new theorem when Katie flung open the door and barked, sending Lily halfway off her seat:
What are you still doing here? Move! I need the desk for my revision!
Lily quickly scooped up her books before Katies style of order sent them flying. Pens and pencils soon followed.
Im done!
Splendid! Make yourself scarce, and dont show your face till Ive forgotten all about you. Stans stopping by soonand I dont need you under my feet!
Ill go help Mum, then.
Go wherever you pleasemakes no difference to me. Katie swirled in front of the mirror, digging out her red makeup bag.
That old red case had been the envy of all Katies teammates once. Their mother never skimped when it came to cosmetics for Katie; if her daughter was going to use make-up, it might as well be high-quality.
Lily couldnt dream of such things.
What do you even need to put on, for goodness sake? Julia would mutter, turning Lilys face this way and that in a slanting ray of light. You could immediately see the pimplesKatie had never had skin like this. Nor had Julia; her complexion was flawless, or so she said, needing no care. Lily must have gotten hers from somewhere elseperhaps not even from her father, who didnt have such problems. Go wash your face more often. You shouldnt be using makeup. And dont start thinking about boys yet!
Lily hardly ever thought of boys at all. It frightened her to imagine anyone might like her in that way. Who would find her pretty? Granny always said things would pass, that adolescence was only temporary, but Lily paid no heed. Looking at her mum and Katie, she knew shed never be called beautifulshe was skinny, spotty, wore glasses and had no hope of hearing, What a lovely daughter you have, Julia! That was reserved for Katie.
She saw how admiration poured onto her sister from everyonerelatives, neighbours, strangers. Katie was petite, slim, as lovely as a porcelain doll. She would half-smile and lower her gaze at all the praise, behaving impeccably, just as shed been taught. Only Lily knew the truth of her character.
And watching Katie throw another tantrum and scatter her books, Lily never felt angry, only sorry for her. Shed never admit as much, of courseit would only end badly. Silently shed pick up her abused books and remember Grannys words:
Never laugh at the less fortunate, Lily. Its cruel to be angry with them, too. Some people lack a generous heart, and thats a sorrowful thing. Not for others, but for themselves. They may not even realise what they lack; their lives will pass them by. Where theres no goodness in the soul, nothing will ever grow but ashes and bitterness. Eventually, something might spark a change, a touch of warmth, and then, oh, what regret will followhow much they lost! Its rare for people to change by thenits hard to shift anything in a soul already scorched by pride. But the realisation will gnaw at them for the rest of their days, quietly and ceaselessly. Theres no worse torment than seeing yourself trulywhen someone else finds you lacking, it’s nothing compared to what you know yourself. Few can bear that and turn themselves around.
Lily tried her best to remember Grannys advice. Granny, Mrs Gallant, was the only person in the family who loved her and never thought her extra.
Even Matthew, with whom Lily had an odd but tolerable relationship, mostly ignored her. To be fair, he treated Katie much the same until she blossomed into womanhood and her circle suddenly overflowed with beautiful girls.
Extra. That word first stuck to Lily when she was five. Her parents had had a rare, loud row in the night, and shed clung to her then-new Mossy, frightened.
I told you, we didnt need another child! But you decided it was too late, despite my mothers suggestions. She even offered to arrange something.
Arrange what? She never cared a jot for me! Tell me thisif anything had happened to me, where would our children have gone? My mum cant manage, and yours would starve a kitten, let alone a child!
Dont you dare! My mother raised meshe only opposed another extra mouth to feed. Surely two, a boy and girl, were enough?
For me they were, but you wanted another taste of wild camping when we were youngthat was your idea, remember? And so, here we are: an extra daughter. What were we to do, once she existed?
Nowhere, her fathers voice was heavy as he paced. At the time, they lived in her grannys old two-bed flat, and Lilys cot squeezed into her parents room; there simply was no space in the nursery. Youre right… Its silly to argue over something that’s happened.
They whispered for a long time before mum turned off the lamp with her silk scarf, and Lily lay thinking.
If she was so unwanted, perhaps she should leave so as not to trouble them? Then maybe Mum and Dad would be happier, and Granny Ivywhom Lily didnt like or trustwould stop complaining?
The only person Lily believed loved her was Granny Gallant, who lived far away, though Lily remembered the train journey theyd once taken. Maybe she could manage to reach the station by herself.
That Sunday, when she was supposed to have a lie-in, Lily crept out early. Her little satchel waited, packed with her favourite book and smart new socks. Mossy watched as she slipped on her wellies and raincoat.
Dont look at me like that! Its muddy at Grannys, its autumn. This is the right thing to do. Lets just get away before anyone notices, all right?
Lily nearly reached the bus stop before being intercepted by Mrs Jenkins, the neighbour.
Where are you off to, Lily dear? Wheres your mum?
At home.
Oh, and your dad?
No, just me.
Just you? Really! And where are you going?
Grannys!
Alone? Why?
Because Im extra here. But I wont be at Grannys. Goodbye.
Lily nodded politely, just as her mother had taught her, and continued. Mrs Jenkins, startled by the peculiar answer, soon caught her up.
How will you get to Grannys, dearie?
By train!
Oh, but you cant take a train alone.
Lily stopped to consider.
Why not?
You need documents. Your mum or dads passport, your birth certificate, to buy a ticket.
Like the bus?
Kind of. But for the train, you definitely need paperwork. Did you bring it?
She shook her head.
No…
Wed best go fetch them from your house, then. Come along.
Lily trustingly took Mrs Jenkins hand and informed Mossy:
Well just pop back for a moment, and then well really go. Be patient!
Her parents only realised Lily was gone when their neighbour, tightly holding Lilys hand, rang the bell at the Smiths flat. Julia, whod been flipping pancakes, rolled her eyes and switched off the stove in annoyance.
Whos come so early, I wonder?
Seeing Mrs Jenkins with Lily on the step, she gasped and called for her husband:
Andrew! Come here!
The conversation was brief and fruitless. Under her fathers stern gaze, Lily shrank and hurried off to the childrens room, where she was met by a drowsy Katie:
Whatve you done now?
That Sunday, Lily spent in the corner. Her father stood her there and strictly forbade her to step away without permission. Katie, sticking out her tongue and laughing, eventually relented and brought Lily her Mossy.
Here! Dont cry. Dad will cool down in a bit; you know hes not really angry. You should have used your head!
That was a phrase Lily had heard as long as she could rememberand she was always angry at herself for not thinking as she apparently ought.
Granny usually chuckled at such musings and would say,
Lily, not everyone lives by their wits. Some live by their heart. Its not always wise, but what can you do if thats how God made you?
Why isnt it wise? Lily would ask.
Because the heart may be kind and gentle, or else spiteful and jealous. You need a head to keep those feelings in check, to think through the consequences.
And mine?
Yours? Golden, my darling. And thats why I sometimes worry for you.
Why?
I just dont want you hurt.
For some reason, Lily remembered these words better than all the rest. When anything painful happened, shed recall them, and somehow things seemed a little less bad. She couldnt be so terrible if Granny Gallant thought her heart was good.
After that failed escape, Lily never tried to change things again. Katie and Matthew made it clear: children were their parents property anyway. There was no changing that until she was grown up. So Lily waited for eighteenshe would be adult, shed be free, shed take responsibility. She already knew what she wanted: to train as a vet, to help animals, as it was all shed ever loved.
A vet? Honestly, Lily, what nonsense! her mother protested.
Why is it nonsense, Mum?
Because its not a real profession! Be like Katieshell be an accountant, shell have money, prospects. And you?
Please, Mum, let this be my decision.
Do as you wish, then! A punishment rather than a childyou never listen to anyone!
Lily bore the usual lecture about disappointing children in silence, though inside she was triumphant. Her plan was taking shape at last. She prepared for the entrance exams on her own, as her parents flatly refused to pay for tutors.
If youd thought with your head like Katie and Matthew, wed help you. But as it isnot a chance.
The doorbell rang, dragging Lily from her biology book and drawing a sigh. Guests. Shed have to go and do her time at the table.
Lily! Good heavens, you look half-starved! Arent you being fed? And those dark circles! Julia! The girl needs a doctor. Im not keen on this at all!
Irene, Lilys other granny, elegant as ever, peeled off her gloves and scolded Julia roundly.
And Katie? Isnt she in? I had hoped to see her! Shes been ignoring my calls. It simply wont do. Matthews away, of coursea boys got his own lifebut who is going to look after me?
I can come help you Tuesday, Granny, Lily piped up, seeing how exhausted her mother was.
No, noI want Katie for that!
Well, I cant, said Katie breezily, emerging radiant from her room. Ive got revision. And a life! Ill come around if I get time.
All right, then.
But Irenes glare turned to a smile when Katie opened the next knock and ushered in Stan.
Meet my fiancé, Stan!
Lily ducked into the kitchen, knowing she was forgotten again. Silently helping her mother, she listened to the conversation, her spirits sinking lower with every word.
Katies a marvel! What a head she has on her shoulders, what lookseverything neatly in place. Unlike poor Lily…
Can you believe it? A veterinary nurse! Why not something proper, like medicine?
Lily, now used to being spoken about as if she wasnt there, kept quiet. Her opinion wasnt required. Katie, swooping past to take the fish from her hands, rolled her eyes and changed the subject:
Wait till you see our rings! Stan, tell them!
Grateful for the diversion, Lily got on with laying the table. Once everything was ready, she slipped back to her roomno one would notice. She wasnt hungry. The pain was returning, so she took another tablet and lay down. She didnt hear when the guests left, nor when Katie tidied up on her return.
She was asleep.
Next morning, Lily learned at last that the bedroom shed always shared with Katie now belonged to her alone; her sister was moving in with her fiancé. She couldnt help but be pleased.
I wont touch your things, Lily promised, helping Katie pack her cases.
Youd better not! But Katie, digging in her makeup bag, suddenly put aside a new lipstick, mascara, and a couple of creams. Here, take these! Learn how to use them. Its about time you did. Youre not a child any more.
Lily nearly protested that shed been doing it herself for years, but just said quietly,
Thank you.
The next few years passed much as Lily had planned. Her life was all study and work.
Katie, becoming a mother to two in quick succession, absorbed all her parents attentionjust as Lily preferred. She wanted to focus on her own life.
When Lily announced shed got her degree, and was ready to trade city for country, her parents reacted with something approaching calm.
Moving to a village? Lily, youve always been a little odd. Well, go then. But dont expect us to see sense in it.
Lily cared little for their opinions now. She packed her bags, kissed her nephew and niece goodbyewhom she adoredand went to join Granny Gallant.
There, someone was waiting for her. There, nobody considered her extra.
Granny Gallant welcomed her with open arms, though not without some concern over Lily trading city life for the quiet countryside:
Are you sure, Lily? Youre a city girl by birth.
You wont send me away?
Of course not!
Then let me choose for myself, all right? Lily would sit beside her granny, face in her hands, I feel peaceful here. I feel right at home. Isnt that what matters?
She settled in easily. The village was large, there was plenty of work, and before long she was in demand. Lily loved animals, and she found it surprisingly easy to get along with their owners; even the older folk marvelled.
Clever girl, Mrs Gallant. Is she spoken for yet?
The question used to amuse Lily, until she met Victor. He was nearly ten years olderwith a sizable farm and a small son from his late first wife. Shed died soon after the boy was born, leaving Victor to cope with an elderly aunt. His own mother was long passed, his late wife had been an orphan.
Married? Lily, think carefully! Julia frowned, glancing nervously at Andrew. Is he really a match for you? A widower, and a child. You need more than brains for that! Why cant things be straightforward? Why cant you be more like your brother and sister? Their lives make sense, yours never has… Oh, Lily!
The kitchen began to smell of valerian, but Lily knew her mind. She saw that Katiewho had changed rather a lot lately and grown much kinder to herwasnt all that happy herself, nor was Matthew, whose own life hadnt proved a shining example for the others.
But Lily saw there was no point explaining to her parentsshed long understood what they never would: you must live as your heart tells you. Hers belonged nowhere else.
The old village bus, panting over every pothole, dropped her at her gate.
Goodbye, Miss Alice, called Valentine, the moustached driver.
Thank you, Mr Valentine! Right to my gate, youre a star!
Nothing to itgood people deserve a bit of kindness. Is it true youre marrying Victor?
It is.
Good choice, thats a proper family for you!
Proper? What does that mean, Mr Valentine? Lily paused on the bottom step.
It means, Miss Alice, that everyone cares for one another. Where youre needed, wanted, and it’s peaceful. A family, if you like.
Where people love each other, you mean?
Thats one way. But in the old days, we used a different word.
Whats that?
Cherish. Not pity, not quite, but care. Youre never left alone with your trouble or pain. Someone soothes you if they can, helps if they know howor sometimes, just being there is enough. And if youre happy, your happiness means the world to them, more than their own. Thats the whole secret.
Complicated, and yet so simple… Lily mused, and then curtsied. Thank you!
For what?
For your wisdom! They teach us all sorts at school and university, but the most important things get missed. You just summed it up in two sentences. Thank you!
My pleasure! Will you invite us to the wedding?
Of course! You and your wife must come.
We wouldnt miss it. You ought to have a chat with my Annieshe could teach you a thing or two about wisdom.
Id like that! Lily waved to Granny Gallant, who was at the garden gate, and hopped down. Theres so much I want to talk about now…
Two years later, youd find Julia pursing her lips as she walked around Lilys spacious country house.
Shed peek into Granny Gallants roomLily had moved her in after a strokegive the pram with the new baby a gentle nudge, and frown:
Lily! That teddys not fit for a baby. Why is it in the cot?
Lily, adjusting Mossyproudly enthroned in the carriagesmiled:
Old, yes, but he works miracles. You wouldnt believe it, Mum, but she wont settle without him. Just pop Mossy beside her, and shes out like a light.
Strange… but somehow, Im not surprised. You were always a strange one. What a mother…
Mum…
What?
I wasall those things you said. Strange, awkward, unsure. Extra…
She looked meaningfully at her mother, and Julia, suddenly embarrassed, looked away.
Im nothing like that now. Do you understand? Lily drew herself up above the cot.
Julia nodded slowly, watching as Lily cradled her baby to her chest.
A quick-footed five-year-old tumbled from the kitchen, tossing a hot sausage roll from hand to hand before colliding with Lilys knees:
Mum! Can I have another sweet?
Take the jar from the kitchen and treat the others. And yourself, of course. But check with Auntie Katie first if they can have sweets before lunch. Got it?
Julia watched the boy go, shaking her head. Lily, catching her eye, beamed in satisfaction.
Mr Valentine was right. One cant change those fate has given you as family. But even if you cant change them, sometimes, just being cherished teaches hearts to grow. Even the smallest change is more precious than all the worlds giftswhen it comes from love.
Mum, can you hold her a moment? The roast goose is nearly done.
