A Better Life
Im standing by the newsagents kiosk, trying to block out the February wind that, as always, bites straight through. Ive got my hood up, ears tucked away, but the wind still finds its way under my coat, prods me in the back and swirls bits of grit around my well-worn trainers. My hands are red and cracked, and I cant help but gnaw at my nails old habits die hard.
Granny Noras always on at me about my hands, muttering that they look like Ive been chain-ganging or something. George, youre a clever boy arent you? You go to school, youre not out chopping wood all day! Stop chewing your nails, do you hear? If you dont, Ill rub garlic on them! She means well, but I know shes been angry ever since Mum got divorced from my dad, Edward Turner.
Dad still lives in his big, sunny flat on the third floor of that posh peoples block, pacing about as Mrs Marjorie, the housekeeper, dusts and coos over the giant palm in the corner. Shes known my dad since she worked for his mum, and she really believes hes descended from some great old family, even though theres nothing left from those times but stories. Granny Nora knows too, and it stings that we Mum, Gran, and I are no longer part of that world.
It was a comedown going back, living with Gran and her son my uncle Dave in her cramped little flat in Leytonstone. The gifts stopped, Gran stopped boasting to her friends about Mums catch. Mum was quiet for a long time afterwards. Shed cry when she thought no one could hear. I was twelve, old enough to notice. I hardly asked for anything. I hated Dad, but I felt helpless, and that made it worse.
It’s your own fault! Gran would tell Mum while I was out, banging a spoon around the kitchen. Look at you, sniffing at my soup bones. Im not giving up feeding the strays by the warehouse just for you. You wanted to come back. What was wrong with Edward, anyway? He was a good man, and he had money! Oh, pick up those crumbs, will you! Mum would wipe her tears and say nothing.
Mum, he nearly hit me when I confronted him, and he took all my money. You really think I should have stayed? Mum would sniffle. Ill get a job, theyve promised me hours at the office. Well move soon, I promise.
Gran just pursed her lips and nodded. We had nowhere else to go.
You’ve never known comfort. You spat on your luck. Now youre selling seeds by the station thats your level! And with a grumble, shed turn off her stew and vanish to peer glassy-eyed at her quiz shows.
Despite everything, Gran really was happy for Mum when she married Edward. She liked to brag that her daughter had made it and had a life among the silk napkin crowd even if the neighbours rolled their eyes. You should see how they live! Gold plates and golden toilets! shed say, waving as she left. No one could put her down.
Uncle Dave, though, was always home drinking more each year, at first just the odd glass out of boredom, then eventually as habit. Hed shout at Gran, blame her for everything, snap at Mum to pull her weight, but she just buried herself in her studies. If she could escape, shed breathe free at last.
Dad died when Dave was ten and Mum was only four. Gran raised them herself, her bitterness the only thing that kept her going as she juggled jobs and debts. When Mum, always top of her class, got into University College London, Grans pride swelled. Now well have a good life at last. Irene will save us.
One wet November evening, Mum exhausted from lectures and her part-time job just wanted to get to her new halls, sip tea, and sleep. Even her stomach ache was acting up. The doctor in the clinic, Mrs Mary Knight, always scolded her for her diet, but Mum would fob her off.
She never would have told the doctor she sent most of her earnings home thats why Dave always had cash for booze and Gran could feed the strays. Dave was always dreaming of running off to the north to breathe fresh air, but never actually left.
That dull evening, a new white BMW pulled alongside her. At the wheel was a neatly dressed young man a few years older, with an easy grin. His name was Edward. Edward Severns.
Excuse me, may I offer you a lift? he called, falling into step beside her. She tried to shrug him off. No, really, Im not going to bite! My names Ed, and yours? He carried her heavy bag, kept her steady on the icy steps, and at the halls said hed enjoyed their silence together.
Mum wasnt used to attention, not from home, barely from friends. But she softened with Edward. They went for walks, ate in proper restaurants food so rich shed get stomach aches, but it was lovely just the same sharing wine and whispered words in dark cinemas.
She moved in with him at his flat. Granny Nora was never introduced, and Ed never visited us. She just wasnt from his world, and he didnt want to pretend. But Gran idolised him from afar, convinced he was providing everything. She even managed to get Dave to attempt a new beginning all on Eds money, of course.
Mum never corrected her, even though Ed was quietly taking most of her wages. Maybe she felt guilty for living better, or maybe she wanted to help. The first time she went to Eds flat, his housekeeper, Mrs Marjorie, eyed her up and down. Hes a Severn, you know. He deserves the best. Mum tried not to let it show, but those words stuck.
Eds parents lived abroad, called occasionally, and once he introduced Mum on video. They seemed barely interested a few polite questions and then goodbye.
Didnt make a good impression? Mum asked, but Ed pulled her close. Doesnt matter as long as we like each other!
He did like her. She made pies and scones, brought him breakfast in bed, and learned to fit in. Mrs Marjorie barked orders at her clean here, tidy there, act properly, and get Eds socks ready. She grumbled constantly, never impressed.
One evening, Mums friend Tessa, a bracing, no-nonsense biology teacher, commented as they sat over tea, Youve become a robot, Irene. You leap up to do the washing before weve even finished! Mum just looked down, folded her hands, but Tessa hugged her anyway. You used to laugh, now its like the lights gone out.
Mum shook her head. Its not like that, Tess. I should be going Ed will be waiting. She left, refusing to walk away from the life shed fought for. No way was she going back to Grans. Not with Uncle Dave and all that comes with it.
Walking home, lost in thought, she noticed children playing and the shop windows glowing. Maybe a baby would help. It would make them a proper family, Ed would have to grow up, thered be a reason to stay together.
Their son was born in the summer. Granny Nora turned up for the hospital discharge, trailing a bunch of supermarket flowers, and watched Ed play the proud father, releasing blue balloons and someone possibly him had chalked Thank you for our son! on the pavement. Mum felt safe for a moment, happy to have a piece of summer with her little George in her arms.
Are you coming with us, Mum? Come see George! Irene smiled. But Ed cut in, No, you head home. Were busy. Mum pleaded, but Ed dismissed Granny Nora like she was the hired help. So Gran just shuffled off to the Tube, alone with her thoughts and pocketful of change for the ride.
Uncle Dave was at the gate, half-cut as usual, muttering congratulations. Irene wanted to say thanks, but Ed ordered her to the car, baby already fussing in his carrier. In that moment, Mum saw her brothers flowers stuck in the fence peonies, her favourite.
Not long after, Ed pushed her back to work. Mrs Marjorie took care of George properly, even giving the boy affection, as he was half Severn after all. Mum had to be home by seven, no excuses, or Ed would take it as a personal slight.
Youre a mother! Come home on time. And do you know how much Mrs Marjorie costs? This isnt a charity! Mum would protest, but Eds answer never changed.
Tessa never visited. Mum had to be home before seven, always.
When George was twelve, it unravelled. Ed left for two days, and Mum, cleaning, found a bundle of photos that spilled across the floor. There was Ed, all smiles with women at conferences and parties never alone, never faithful. Mrs Marjorie caught her looking, reported it to Ed, and he exploded. He packed and tossed Mums things onto the marble hallway. If she tried to take the cash shed saved, she found the box empty.
You came with nothing, you leave with nothing! Mrs Marjorie crowed as she tried to calm Ed.
Mum left with only her handbag keys, some coins, Georges birth certificate. That was it.
I met her on the way home from my kickboxing class, and when I saw her face, I took her hand. We stayed quiet; sometimes thats best.
We ended up at Tessas. For a week, Mum was a shadow, drifting around. This isnt the end, Irene, Tessa said, putting a knitted cardi with silly snowflakes around her shoulders. Its just a bad patch over.
He took everything, Tess. I hid some, but he found it. I thought if I left, Id be back with Gran and Dave. You know what its like at home. Dave drinks everything, screams at night, its endless. I left, even if it was all fake. I wanted a normal life, I let myself believe
Tessa poured cocoa and said nothing it was all she could do. I wasnt the girl Id been at school, but maybe, she thought, one day I would be again.
Now Im thirteen, back living with Gran. Uncle Dave seems to be off the drink, living with a woman nearby. Granny Nora was harsh at first. You didnt want us before, but now you come crawling back. Is it because youve nowhere else to go? When he let you, thats when youd turn up bring a bit of money. But, yes, where else is there to go?
I just laughed dryly, remembering how light Id felt with Ed in the early days. That, at least, had felt like love. Crooked, lopsided, but love all the same.
Every night since, I wait for Mum on the same corner. Shes always back by eight, and I walk her home, take her bag, kiss her on the cheek, and mutter, Im fine. We walk in silence, listening to the frost or, in summer, the breeze. The routine comforts us both. But tonight, something was different.
I spotted her laughing at the edge of the crowd with a man I didnt know, both carrying shopping bags. I ducked behind the off-license, watching. She looked happy. My stomach clenched with fear not for me, but for her. Id promised to look after her, and now there was someone else.
Mum scanned the street, worry creasing her face. Strange, George always meets me here. I hope nothings wrong. Alex, should we wait? We always walk home together.
I glowered in the cold but eavesdropped. They hesitated, then fell quiet, and I grew angrier. Instead of looking for me, Mum was busy kissing this stranger.
I never imagined Mum would have someone new. Dad was enough he didnt deserve replacing. Worse, Gran would be furious.
Mum! What are you playing at? I was waiting to walk you home. Looks like you dont need me now, so… whatever. I tore off down the street, fighting tears. I could hear them calling after me, but I didnt stop.
Since Ed kicked us out, hes come round a few times. Always a row Mum crying, Gran shouting for him to leave, Uncle Dave threatening to throw him out physically, and me, hiding in my room. I decided Id get strong, just like Dave strong enough to protect Mum, and for a while, I nearly was. Until Mum chose someone else.
I heard Alex chasing after me, panting, one shoe missing. He tumbled into a snowdrift, searching for his boot with his socked foot flapping. He wasnt much of a threat just a bit of a joker, actually.
Dont worry. If you want, Ill go. I understand, he said, digging around sadly in the snow.
I wiped my nose on my sleeve, shook my head. No for Mums sake, Id put up with this man.
Gran always said Mum would never find happiness, that shed missed her chances. But I realised she was wrong.
Which ones your shoe? I asked, grinning a little, then bent down and found it. My hands froze but I handed it over anyway. Here you go, Uncle Alex. Just dont lose Mum out there, OK? Shes not yours to lose.
He nodded, grateful.
Twenty minutes later, we were all squeezed around Grans little table, having tea and her homemade dumplings. She eyed Alex warily until he said, Youve got magic hands, Mrs Norris. These are the best dumplings Ive had since I was five, at my grandmas. So good! They say you can taste care in food, and you really can. For the first time in ages, Gran smiled.
No one had complimented her for a long time. Maybe thats what wed all been missing just a kind word. Maybe everything wouldve been different if wed known how to say them more often.
But then I wouldnt exist, would I? No, best not to change it now. We just have to keep going. Maybe Alex will show us how. Or maybe, together, well find our way. Because when you face it together, its lighter.
I hope, with all my heart, things will work out for Mum and Alex.
Gran tossed and turned that night, anxious as always about Mum and Uncle Dave. Theres nothing more she can do but hope. And really, all of us Mum, me, Uncle Dave we need some good now. We deserve it.
