Oddball Zoe
Excuse me, please! Sorry, do let us through! Right there we gomind the door! Easy does it, Nina! Careful, its not a bag of spuds!..
I stepped aside with Victor, letting the new neighbours by as they squeezed a massive fuchsia past us and into the lift. The chap was tall and broad, looked like someone from the army, I thought. His wife was tiny, like a sparrow, nimble and quick. Theyd just bought a flat hereour very own fresh facesand now they were hauling their bits and bobs inside.
Ooh, Victor, look at that plant! I said, eyes wide as their enormous rubber plant swayed in the tub. Isnt it gorgeous? Proper tree, that is. Shiny leaveslook at them Can we buy one like that? Please, Vic? Well put it in the lounge; itll brighten the place up!
I knew I looked dreamy, leaning on Victor’s shoulder like that, grinning at him as if I were fifteen. He always called me an odd fish for that.
Oh, what do we need with one of those overgrown weeds, Zoe? Victor grunted. Takes up spaceitll just be in the way. Stick a chair there instead, somewhere to hang your jumpers. Enough with your daft houseplants. Youre a real one, you know that? Heretake this bag, my hands cramped. Ill find the keys. I’m the one has to do everything round here!
Victor plonked the heavy shopping bag into my armsspuds, carrots, parsnips, all for a weekend stewand strode off, rummaging in the deep pockets of his old corduroys. Hed owned those trousers since university, Id wager, and refused to throw them out just because the seams were unravelling. He always said they were comfortable and practical. I knew full well he just didnt want to spend another penny. He wore his shoes till the soles had holes, jumpers till the elbows frayed, and shirts till the collars curled. And Id learned to do the same. That was frugality”, in Victors book. Penny-pinching and sheer stinginess, in my friend Alices. But me? I long ago stopped counting.
Victor kept my pay. For a rainy day, he said. But exactly what sort of storm he was expecting, only he knew.
Why do you put up with this, Zoe? Alice pressed, exasperated, during our tea breaks. Whats he got that you need, Queen of England?
Its love, Alice. Family. Wewe I always stammered, twisting a limp corner of that ancient tablecloth Victor brought from his grans place, rather than buy a new one. Theyre just things, hed say. Things are for using. Don’t need a fancy cloth in the country, but here, well, its proper. Of course, hed burnt a hole through the old city one, soldering a radio he dragged home from a skip. So, the musty, checkerboard one with fading stains and whiskers of mildew was brought in as a solution.
Maybe we could buy a new one, Vic? Just something cheap? I whispered once, shuffling my feet.
He gave me only a stern, withering look. That was enough.
Most of the time, I barely spoke at all. Just like now, lugging bagsone with a melon, a jar of homemade compote, some courgettes from a friends allotment, and whatnotshuffling behind Victor as if I were his helper, not his fiancée. He, no doubt, would find the keys, open the door, and let me in first. Then hed take his time in the bath, grumbling about the soap slipping in the tub, sloshing about, and finally, finally, would come out all red-faced, smelling of cheap strawberry shower gel. Next came the ritual: hed down a small glass of ale Id poured, smack his lips, and stand before the old wardrobe mirror, peeling open the creaking door to check himself out.
The mirror was ancient, its edges mottled with black spots, surely reflecting generations long past. Victor would puff his chest and flex his arms playfully, showing off biceps for my benefit, then tense his stomach like television strongmen. No visible abs, but for me, apparently, that didnt matter. I was supposed to love him just as he waswhat choice did I have?
Blasted keys, lost them, have I? Victor snapped, patting down his trousers. You still havent sewn up this pocket, have you? I told you a hundred timeshole right here! Zoe! Put the bags down. Where are you off to? I lost the keys, cant you see?
We started searching, and the new neighbourNina, the one with the glorious planthelped us out.
Are these yours? Found them on the landing. She smiled at me kindly as she handed over the keyring.
She even complimented the hair-clip I wore, going on about how pretty it was and wanting to know where I’d got it.
Oh, thank you. The clip? Just picked it up while we were on holiday in Torquay, I said, embarrassed.
My mum had one just like it, except the shells were different. she said fondly.
I smiled, feeling oddly pleased, but hurried on, since Victor was already in the flat, staring at me expectantly. I rushed in but stopped on the threshold.
Oh, can I give you a hand? I blurted out, surprising even myself. Youve so much stuff, and itll soon be dark and raining…
No, no, honestlywell be fine! Youve your own hands full! Nina nodded at my bags. Come round for tea once were sorted. Im Nina, thats my husband Paul. And you?
Zoe. And Victor, I replied. Well, if youre sure… Ill be off. Goodnight!
Victor was already splashing about. He hadnt unpacked a thing.
I had exactly fifteen minutes to rest after my shift at the supermarket, where I was a stock supervisor, before I had to serve supper. Five minutes for a breather, then twenty to heat up the prepped rissoles and the spuds.
Bathwater thundered in the background, along with Victors occasional cursing about the soap, and the clang as it hit the tub. And mewhat was I really? Not even a wife, for goodness sake! We never married. Victor insisted on not wasting time with silly paperworkthat could wait. So I waited, and waited, hoping one day hed be ready.
I collapsed on the battered sofa, stretched out my feet clad in grey-brown tights, closed my eyes, and just existed. For fifteen minutes, I let myself imagine our flat as it might be. Eventually, wed have a child, become a proper family, get new furniture, paint the walls, throw out the clapped-out Soviet-era vacuum cleaner that nearly made me deaf, buy matching crockery, a fancy kettle, a microwave No point now, Victor would always say. Expensive. Save up. Only fools rush in. So we saved.
But my inner alarm soon told me my daydream had ended. I hurried to the kitchenmore to do.
Later, after Victor went to bed, and Id snuck a quick shower, I caught my reflection in the wardrobe mirror. Nightshirt awkward about the middle, I blurted out, Vic, what do you think if I started swimming again? I used to be quite goodmaybe I could have made county level, you know
You what? he grunted. Dont talk nonsense! You know how much swimming costs? What about Mum? What about saving for the car, remember? You dreamer!
Oh Vic, but you dont even drive! I protested, pulling my nightie tighter. I suppose Id gained shape here and there. I remembered how Id cut a trim figuresurely I could get back to that? If I just tried… But
Owning a cars for the future! Ill learn! Swim, she says… What for, mermaid? You’re done with that. Youre staying here, as you are. Now get into bed, block that draft will you, you great seal!
I lay next to his noisy, snoring bulk, eyes squeezed shut, remembering when Mum and Dad would cheer in those icy leisure centre stands, Dad thumping the armrest, Mum waving her red bobblehat. Meslim and fastin a scarlet swimsuit, racing along. Inside, I felt warm, happy to be loved and cheered for. Whether I came first or last didnt matterthey hugged me and called me a champion.
That night, I wept quietly. I lay wishing I knew why I was there, what mistake, what twist of life had landed me with Victor. He snored and thrashed about; I couldnt sleep at all. It wasnt just the bodyId become awkward, silent, shapeless inside too. An old seal, Victor said. Even though I never used to be.
At some point, I got up and tucked the duvet round Victor, stood by the window, gazing at the glow of streetlamps. Down below, Ninanew neighbour, Ninawas sitting on a bench, just sitting. I was suddenly afraid something had happened, so I shoved my feet into my ancient wellies, wrapped myself in my old raincoat, and was outside in a flash.
Nina! Everything alright?
Oh, Zoe! she scooted along to make room. You look worried. Im just getting some air. Pauls mopping the floors. She grinned.
Hes what? Come off it, men dont do floorsunless theyre in the navy! I frowned, sure she was teasing.
She winked. Paul just wants to help out, make things nice for meisnt that what couples do? Hell finish the floors, Ill help shelve the bookshes mad for his nature guides. Then, bedhonestly, my legs are killing me! And your Victor?
Oh, hes asleep, I said, then added awkwardly, Wellwere not actually married, to be honest. Just together. Stuck with him, really. Who else would want me if not Victor?
Nina shook her head gently. Youre lovely, really, Zoeso pretty, even in your raincoat and wellies.
I waved her off. Dontnonsense! Ive let myself go; I barely recognise myself these days. Victor says theres no point, hes happy enough
Of course he is! But are you? Nina pressed. That question left me cold.
If hes happy, Im happy,” I said flatly.
After a pause, she asked, You were a swimmer, werent you?
Yes ages ago. Then my parents passed away, so I worked, went on holidays with mates when I could. Then came Victor, and that was that. We never managed to have a baby. I wanted one so much, but…
The gentle hush of the trees and silvered moonlight made it easy to talk. I told her Victor had moved in right away, decided we were a couple. Id not had anyone before him; I was his, and that was that.
How old are you, Zoe? she asked suddenly.
Thirty-three, I whispered, suddenly embarrassed.
No! Really What do you actually want? Nina asked softly.
I dont know. I have Victor, the flat, a job Is there anything else? I mumbled, lying through my teeth. I wanted a new dress, a painted set of nails; to be doted on, not barked at for buying a melon; to feel romance; to really, properly get married.
I want to feel beautiful again, I admitted. I want to lose weight, smarten up. I was always so slight. Now Victor just calls me a seal, says Im his, and not to bother.
Nina nodded, then, as Paul waved at her from their window, she quickly said goodbye, promising to pop round soon.
Well, she hurries home because he calls, too, I thought, trudging back indoors. We all answer to the men in our lives, dont we? Always have, always will But even I didnt know what I meant by that anymore.
From upstairs, Victors voice rang out, cross and sharp. Zoe, whereve you got to? Im freezing! Oh, and mind, I got a space at the spaoff to the seaside for a week! Will need some new thingsa proper jacket for dinner, for example!
Spa? Without me? I stared, dumbfounded. Youve got things to wear. What about all the penny-pinching, saving, and not even so much as a rubber plant for the lounge, and now you want new stuff?
He exploded. Keep quiet, will you! I head the household, I say where the money goes! Bed, Zoe. Got to pack tomorrow, leaving in two days!
I didnt go to the station to see him offjust phoned to remind him to take his antacid, as his belly always went funny on holiday food.
I know, I know, stop nagging! he barked, hanging up.
Nina called in as soon as Victor was gone, bringing a bottle of wine and some patisserie treats. As she unpacked them, I panicked, Nina, thats far too posh! What a waste of money!
Nonsense. Moneys just money. Lets celebrate! she said brightly.
So we did. She poured, I sipped, and before long we were laughing and cryingme mostly, because it felt so odd being looked after for once, not fussing over Victors every snort or fancy.
With him, I’m a housemaid. I’ve lost myself! I cant even look in the mirror anymore. Oh, Nina… Id love to be lovedfree, the walls painted, to breathe properly But look at me, trapped, cant change a thing
Then leave him! Or at least make him leave! Live for yourself, not for him! Nina pounded the table.
Hush! I cant How would I cope?
Nina just shook her head, handed me a hanky, made us strong coffee, and promised to come back the next day.
Next thing I knew, shed marched me round the shops. We tried on seven dresses, bought two, helped by dipping into Victors rainy day fund. Shoes and a handbag, too! Later, dressing in my new things, I barely recognised myself, but I smiled in the mirror all the same.
Saturday, we made a plan: Wear something comfy, Zoe, just after eleven, and come round! Nina instructed.
Tracksuit bottoms and an old teecleaning clotheswould do, I decided.
Perfect! Nina whisked me into the nearly empty spare room. While weve no furniture, use the space! Herelook, Ive got a new set of workouts on the telly. My niece gave me a Fitstars subscription for my birthdayfitness on screen, for busy people like us. Yoga, pilates, coreall sorts for getting in shape.
Really? Have you ever done splits, Zoe?
Years ago. Not now, surely.
There we were, watching the telly, Nina fumbling through her first squats and lunges. I perked up a bit, beginning to correct her.
Noturn your foot in, remember? And slowly, I came to life.
We kept at it, pausing the video to retry as needed, to bits of giggling and sweating. Afterwards, we toasted our efforts with juice.
Ill shape up, and then Victor I started, eyes bright.
Yes, and then hell Nina began, then grinned and shrugged. Go where, exactly?
We met daily for workouts. No need for a gym, or scowling coaches. Just the two of us, the TV, and the freedom to pause.
In the month Victor was away, I perked up, shed a couple of pounds, and the dresses fit like they were made for me. It was hard, but the encouragement from the instructor on Fitstars made all the difference.
Nina and I tried new recipes, followed the nutrition talks, learnt about digestion, made bright salads and even poached pears in red wine. Victor phoned, said hed be away another weekdoctors orders.
And what did you say? Nina asked, stretching elegantly.
Oh, Ive packed his things. He can collect them. I just dont want him back, Nina. Ive realisedI dont want this life, I breathed out, amazed at myself.
I even bought a new mirrorfull length, for the bedroomPaul helped me hang it. I changed the curtains, splashed out on a new tablecloth, treated myself to a set of pretty weights. Stopped saving for a car I didnt want, and suddenly, there was enough money for everything! My home actually felt like mine again.
Soon, Nina brought me a fuchsiathe very plant Id been dreaming of.
You deserve this, Zoe, she smiled, and for the first time in years, I wept with happiness; nobody had given me a present, not properly, in ages.
And amazingly, men had started to take notice. Why? Because I smiled, simply that!
Alice popped in, giggled at how young and fresh I looked. Whats that fitness website again? she scribbled in her notebook.
Then, one Friday evening, Victor returnedgrowing rounder by the daybags in tow, to find his life boxed up in the hall.
Whats going on? What have you done to yourselfwho said you could lose weight? And what am I supposed to do now? Youre lost without me, you oddball! he blustered.
I gave myself permission, Victor. As for youwhat happens to you is your lookout. Off you go. Please, dont call, dont visit. Being a noughtan oddballisnt half as bad as you think! I said, straightening my hair, and breezed into my lounge. The slam of the front door was music to my ears.
Im not a seal anymore, not even an oddball. I just got tangled up, forgot who I was, but now Im backwalking into the world, a little braver each day. And liking myself, finally, means others can like me too.
