A Bird in the Hand
Mum, shes really gone Flown away, my little blue tit
Alexander carefully handed his sleepy son to his mother and slumped right down onto the hallway floor. He wanted to scream, to tell fate all he’d bottled up over the past year, and then bury his face in a pillowwith mums hand-sewn embroidery under his cheekand fall asleep, hoping that by morning everything might somehow come right.
At his parents house, everything was as always: warmth, peace, cosiness. The aroma of freshly baked scones and thyme drifted from the kitchen, curious cats circled his feet, oblivious to why their owner was crying, and the old grandfather clock ticked away. Alexander had tried to steal the cuckoo from it more than once as a child, but his mother always put the bird back, telling him gently:
That cuckoo belongs at home in its clock, son. Why would you take it out? Home is where everyones happiest. Take someone away, and nothing feels right.
Alexander sat there, staring into memories, as he listened to his mother fuss over undressing and settling the whimpering Anthony, while his kindly father grumbled good-naturedly in assistance. His head felt muddled, exhaustion settling deep into his bones. He seized one of the fluffy cats, nuzzling it for comfort.
Why are you sitting there like a lost soul? his father said, coming out to nudge Alexander’s shoulder. Off to bed with you. Your mothers made up your room. Well talk in the morning.
Dad
Not now, Alex. Enough for tonight! his father said, gripping his hand and pulling him upright. Sleep on it. The morning is wiser than the evening. To bed!
Childhood memories streamed in: smashing the neighbours window with a new football, the endless patch of garden his father once made him weed as punishment, and his fathers unchanging lesson:
There you are, son! A man must always own up for his actions.
And a woman?
Hm, her too. But mind your own behaviour before you criticise anyone else. If someones got a conscience, theyll sort themselves out. If notwell, you cant put wisdom in their head for them. Be responsible for yourself. Understand?
Alright, dad
His small, familiar bedroomthe one always known as Alexs roomhadnt changed a bit since his last visit. Everything was waiting for his return: the same narrow bed, the faded rug, a shelf crammed with treasured books his mum had guarded from the neighbours kids, and the one-eyed old teddy rabbit that Alexander had carried around with him from childhood. To the army, on jobs, on holidayseverywhere. Hed never felt embarrassed by it.
Except, that is, when he started his own family. His wife wouldn’t let him bring it.
What do you need that old junk for? Leave it here with your parents! Really, Alex, youre not a little boy any longer. Stop carrying a toy rabbit around and try being a man for once!
Now, though, alone, he could clutch his oldest friend without embarrassment, and he chuckled as he placed the rabbit beside his pillow.
Life with Lisa had never made feeling like a man easy.
Katies gone to Spain with her husband, and the furthest weve ever gotten is Devon! Any decent husband by now would have saved up for a proper holiday!
Lisa, you said we needed a house. Were building one. Once its finished, well go on holiday, but for now, we cant afford it.
Oh pleasestop making excuses! Its infuriating! And whatonce the babys here, well never allow ourselves another treat again? Alex, youre still a long way off from being a real man!
He kept quiet. He didnt want to upset her, not with the baby on the wayher feelings were understandable too. All shed ever known was a father whose only joy was the pub, and a mother whod strained herself just to provide for three girls: Lisa and her two sisters. There wasnt much help, no support, just endless hard days and all three daughters needing shoes, uniforms, and even the faintest hope for a future.
Strangely, Alexander got on well with his mother-in-law.
Dont take it to heart, Alex. Lisa just wants a good lifebetter than we had. Is that so wrong?
No, I get it.
She doesnt see how lucky she is yet Not really. But she will, in time. Shes never had good examples. I loved her dad, which is why I stayed, but only now I realise what a mistake it was to let the girls see how we lived
Alexander felt sorry for his mother-in-law. And for his wife.
How could he not? He remembered meeting that girlgiggling outside the club before a dance, glancing at him shyly, unable to hide her nerves. She dropped her gaze, fidgeted with her jumper sleeve, then stared straight at him, bold.
Who are you?
You dont remember me?
Sullivan? Alex?
You recognised me!
As if Id remember everybody! What are you doing here? I thought you lived in London?
I did. But now Im back with my parents. Homes better.
Right. Well, once you let go of mums apron strings, come dance with us.
Why had she caught his attention so thoroughly? The uncertainty in her eyes? Or those sharp, cheeky words?
Alexander couldn’t have answered, even if asked. Looking back, he thought his heart must have just gone out to this ruffled but fiercely spirited little blue tit of a girl.
Did he really know then how much Lisa longed for love and kindness? Probably not. He just reached out to the lost soul, understanding how it felt to be loved.
Alexander had been an only child. His parents had wished for a child for fifteen years, and after his birth, his mother couldnt have any more. But he was their miracle, despite every doctors grim prediction.
A proper miracle! the midwife had told his mum. Do you have any idea what a blessing this is? You spent the whole pregnancy on bedrest, and now here he is. Dont cry nowbe happy! Such a fine boy! Your husbands going to be excited!
His father had been more than happy. His mum said he’d nearly fallen out with half the villageso many wanted to toast the new arrival, but his father refused. He scrubbed the house, fetched nappies from town (theyd avoided buying anything early, just in case), and was ready to welcome his son. No time for drink, to the neighbours dismay.
Who ever heard of a new father not sharing a pint? Didnt he care about tradition?
But Alexanders parents didnt care what others thought; they were just overjoyed. Every step and every new word was celebrated, but they kept a calm discipline, believing it was good for boys.
Alexander grew mischievous, but always knew hed be held accountable. Perhaps thats why his first kiss with Lisa felt both a gift and a responsibility.
He could never hurt a girlespecially one who doubted love.
Its all nonsense, Alex! Fantasy! Do you really buy into all that lovey-dovey rubbish? People live together because it’s practical. Love is for people who have everything easy. They dont know real problems! Not like us. Tell mewhat do you know of life? Your mum and dad still baby you. Ive never had help from anyone!
What about your mum, Lisa? Doesnt she do everything for you?
Oh, her helps like milk from a bull! If she wanted a good life for me, shed have booted Dad out ages agobefore my sisters were bornsaved her money for herself and us girls, not Dads drink! But she didnt want us being left without a dad. Some kindness! All we ever saw was the fallout from his drinking! You call that love? She only ever loved herself! People are selfish, Alex. No one cares about anyone but themselves. They get what they want, theres a family. If nottoo bad! And youre asking me to marry you? Finebut only if you promise we never live with your parents and you build a big house. Big enough for everyone to envy! I want to have what other people have, nothing less!
Alexander listened, stunned by all the pain inside such a delicate girl. He just wanted to warm her, show her that life could be betterthat real caring and trust existed.
But Lisa saw his efforts as pointless.
I cant stand your mother! Why does she keep turning up with her casseroles? Let her stay at home! The hospital meals are fine, and Im binning her homemade stuff anyway. Tell her to stop, will you?
Of course, Alexander never repeated those words. His mum always sensed something wasnt right, watching her son come back from London so downcast.
Lisa doesnt want me to visit, does she? his mum would ask, hugging his slumped shoulders, as he barely touched his favourite mushroom soup. Never mind, love! Ill make some chicken and a broth for you to take in tomorrow. Tell Lisa you made it yourselfshe knows you cook sometimes! And make sure she eats. Shes lost so much weightshe needs looking after, Alex!
I do look after her, mum I love her
Then Anthony was born and everything fell apart. Lisa seemed to unravel entirely.
You cant do anything! The house isnt finished, and I have to manage our son alone while you swan off to work! Your parents never help either!
Lisa, shh! Youll wake Anthony. You turned down help from Mum yourselfsaid you could manage. Isnt that right?
So now its all my fault, is it?!
Lisa would shout and cry, Anthony would follow, and Alexander would hold his head in his hands, helpless. All her wildness fought to be free, and he could only wait for sense to prevail.
But time dragged on.
Then, on a dull morning when Anthony was a year and a half, Alexander woke to unusual silence. Anthony was bouncing in his cot, but the flat was quiet.
Lisa! Alexander called, already fearing the answer.
Anthony, seeing his fathers frown, started to pout, but Alexander scooped him up.
Were tough guys, arent we, Anthony Alexander? Cryings for the girls. Lets get breakfast, then visit Grandma and Granddadtheyve been asking after you.
Between making porridge, ringing round Lisas friends searching for her, and finally tracking her downonly to be told she was moving on and he was now an exit was evening before Alexander finally reached his parents. Exhausted and drained, he hadnt the strength to explain.
Not that anyone asked him to. He listened to his mother softly singing the lullaby shed once sung to him, and the mixture of sorrow and comfort brought tears he didnt hide. Letting sleep swallow him, he forgot men shouldnt cry.
Come morning, things felt worse.
Lisa called, his mum whispered. She wants Anthony.
What for? She told me yesterday shes got a whole new life already.
How am I supposed to know? Its for you two to work out. But Anthony cried in his sleep last night, Alex. Hes unsettled. While you two sort yourselves out, hes the one who suffers, and thats not fairhe needs his mum.
But how can I just hand him over? Lisas not even sure what she wants. She said shed leave her keys with a neighbour if I planned to visit.
Youre right, thats not good. Shes lost. So what are you going to do?
Ill go to London. Ill try to see her, talk to her calmly. You know shes not a bad personjust Mum, do you think she left me because I wasnt enough? Is it my fault?
I think youre both accountable, Alex. Its never just one person in a marriage. You and Lisa are a team. Right now it doesnt matter whos right or wrongwhats done is done. But theres Anthony. Hes not just your responsibilityhes your son, and Lisas too. Whatevers gone on between you, hes still your child. Lisa will always be his mumthat will never change. She loves himor shed have handed him to her own mother or to us long ago. In fact, she refused help, probably afraid Anthony would get attached to ussome motherly jealousy, I suppose. Painful as it is, thats a good thing; it might help you both find common ground. Understand?
I think so.
So off you go! And if Lisa wants Anthony brought to her but doesnt want to see us, do as she asks. Well hope shell let us keep visitingwhatever happens between you. Decide to stay together, or not, well always want to see our grandson.
Do you think we could ever be together again, mum? Shes found someone else
Her mother told me this morningLisa met someone online. He sang songs to her and then disappeared. Lisa felt shed betrayed you, and so she left. Maybe its true, maybe not, but your little blue tit has a long way to go before she fully grows up.
How did you find all this out?
Oh, while you slept! Anthonys up with the dawn! We had breakfast, a walk, bumped into Lisas other gran and had a proper chinwag. Now, go on, son. And think about what *you* want as you drive. If you stay with Lisa, well support you. If you divorce, well stand by youbut dont think for a second that well let Lisa cut us off from Anthony. We want to see our grandson.
Alexander only nodded. As he stood, his mother took the battered rabbit from his hands and said, Go and have breakfast first! Then you can worry about affairs of the heart. My little chicks
Lisa greeted him warily.
Ill see you in court! Youre giving me my son back!
Why court? Just tell me where youre living. Ill bring Anthony, I promise. Id just like to check the place, make sure its safe and comfortable for him. Maybe I should rent you a flat? Or you can have the one were renting now, I’ll cover the expenses. Im off working soon, so you and Anthony can stay there, and Ill manage at my parents. What do you think?
She had clearly prepared for a very different argument and faltered.
YouHow can you be so calm? Any other man would have given me what-for by now, and youre being reasonable! Dont you care at all?
No, Alexander shook his head, sighing. Of course I care, Lisa. And Im not ignoring what you did.
What did I do?! What?!
You left home, leaving your son. Thats more than enough for me. But if youre expecting me to behave like the men you saw growing up, youre mistaken. My parents taught me different. If, in your mind, love is only about fists, Im sorry youve never known anything else.
Love? What love? What are you talking about?
Im saying I love you. Even when youre unpredictable, illogical, sometimes downright silly. I love you just as you are, Lisa. You said love doesnt exist, but my parents have loved all their lives. I dreamed of that for us.
And did you get it?
Not yet. But we have a son, Lisa. And your outbursts only upset himI cant allow that. Save your anger for someone else. Lets think instead how to stop Anthony crying at night.
He cried? she said, looking up at him properly for the first time. Oh God, how foolish Ive been! Lets gonow!
Where?
To Anthony! Your mum, she
My parents know nothing, Alexander lied, stone-faced. I told them we were just coming for a visit.
Why did you do that? Lisas voice was tiny.
Because it was the right thing to do. He hugged his sobbing wife gently. My little blue tit
Three years later, in Alexander and Lisas new home, they celebrated their first housewarming. His parents helped lay the table, and as things quieted, his mother turned to him.
Everything alright, son?
Cant complain, mum! Alexander grinned, giving her a hug. Though Lisas been awfully quiet lately. Dyou think thats a good sign?
Oh, Alex, you never do catch on! his mother said, glancing around for her daughter-in-law. She beckoned Lisa over. Lisa, why havent you told your husband yet? You trusted me, when will you tell him?
Oh, mum, honestly! I was going to surprise him today! Lisa laughed. Alex were having another baby.
Alexanders mother slipped aside and caught her husbands eye.
What do you thinkwill our little bird settle now?
Where else would she go, love? his father laughed, winking. This is her nest. I daresay she finally understands it now.
And so, Alexander learned that sometimes, if you hold tight to the small happiness you already have, you find its more precious than any distant dream. A bird in the hand, as they say, is worth two in the bush.
