You Want to Kiss Me, Dont You
She appeared in their neighbourhood just four days ago, moving into the empty flat on Newfield Street. Ben had already worked out exactly which house and even which floor she was on. She looked about thirty, though Alexander had never been good at guessing womens ages. She was called Annie, and she arrived in an old Rover with her husband and a middle-aged woman.
The first thing Alex fell for was her laugha light, lilting sound, the sort youd imagine was like the ringing of bells. Hed been hurrying somewhere when he heard it and froze, turned back, and from that moment, it seemed he never looked away from Annie.
“Annie! Annie, do hurry up! It’s drizzling, you’ll catch your death!” called the woman, hiding under the porch at the entrance.
“Mum! Just look, these children are adorable! Just look at how they’re dressed!” Annie said, pointing at the kids playing by the sandpit. “Theyre like little pixies, honestly!”
She laughed again, picked up the battered suitcase at her feet, and strode towards the building.
“Mark! Mark, do get a move on. Open the door at least if you can’t carry anything!” she threw over her shoulder.
A man, slow and cautious, got out of the back seat of the Rover, holding his chest, then smiled at Annie and nodded, “Yes, yes, of course, Im on it!”
He moved too slowly, and Annie looked annoyed, tapping her foot with impatience.
Alex hardly noticed how he ended up right beside them, pulling open the door and holding his hand out for the suitcase, speaking quietly, “Let me help. Which floor are you on?”
“Oh, Annie, what a charming young man!” came the voice from the dim hallway. “Give him the suitcase, come on up. It’s dreadful, Annie, just dreadful up there!”
“Youve probably realised, Im Annie. Sixth floor, flat forty-six. Careful, and dont drop anything,” she said, handing the case to Alex before dashing to the lift.
Alex tried to follow but missed the lift as it was going up.
“Its alright now, well manage,” came the voice from behind him. “You were in a hurry yourself, werent you?”
Turning round, Alexander saw the very same man, face pale and weary, with grey shadows beneath his eyes. He searched Alexs features for something, gave up, and his eyes dulled.
“Its no trouble. Ill help unload…” the young man started awkwardly.
He sensed that Mark had picked up on his own infatuation with Annie, that he, Alex, almost felt drunk merely looking at her, her fresh face aglow with a peachy blush.
“Theres no need. Well manage. Goodbye,” Mark said briskly, grabbing the suitcase and labouring on, pressing the lift button and leaning his elbow on the wall as he dropped his head.
Alexander stepped out into the courtyard. Once again, Annies laughter floated down from the sixth-floor window, joined by her mothers flustered complaints. Alex gazed up, hoping Annie might look out. And she did: Annie leaned all the way out, sparking new cries from her mum, and called down, “Come tomorrow morning about eight! Our furnitures arriving, and well need help carrying it up! Bring your mates! Mark will pay youwont you, love?” She turned back inside. A muffled reply followed. “Come on, well have a cuppa after!”
Annie slid behind the curtain, watching as the young man nodded eagerly and walked off down the pavement, glancing back even now and then. But she had no intentions of showing herself againno! Annie knew these games well, knew how to tempt admirers, harden their longing, and drive her own husband to silent rage and helpless jealousy hed never overcome.
“Ben, all right, mate!” a voice cried as a ginger-haired girl with a face full of freckles caught up with him. Jeans and a checked flannel shirtshe spun him round by the sleeve. “Marching straight past, you are! Ive called three times now, honestly. So, is tomorrow still on? Are we going?”
She smiled.
“Oh, Emily, alright. I, um” Alexander faltered, “No, youll have to go without me, something’s come up.”
He pulled his arm away from Emily as if shed burned him.
“Whats come up, Ben? We waited three months for these field trip tickets! Mr. Chapman worked his socks off to get us includedthis is the dig”
They were meant to go on a palaeontology trip to Farleigh Quarry.
“Sorry, Em, got something at home. Mums asked for help, and, well, thats that,” said Alex sheepishly, wanting almost to draw her into a hug, to feel the warmth under her shirt, to hear the rhythm of her heart in her slender chest, letting his hands glide over her hips But Emily was, as ever, gone, muttering something sharp as she walked away. She never let Ben get close, always keeping her distancewas she afraid she couldnt stop herself, or maybe she simply didnt love him, despite her protestations. All her talk of them being too young, of not making a mess they couldnt sort later, were echoes of her mothers warnings. The other girls in their group were less guarded, permitted the lads almost everything, but Ben still only had eyes for Emily. He called her “Sunbeam,” “Ginger,” “Kitten,” bought her ice cream, took her to the cinema, always making sure they got the back row, hopinghoping the barriers would fall at last. But lately, Emily had faded for him, grown grey and plain beside the new woman.
Annies figure, though, was all soft curves in the right places, trim, toned legs, graceful hands, and such a slender waist youd all but touch fingers around it. Her hair, dark with chestnut glints and cropped just so, made her seem bold, daring, and overwhelmingly desirable. No, Alex thought, Emily doesnt compare at all, not anymore.
“Ben, are you sure? You could come today, be done on time, come with us tomorrow With me?” came Emilys soft whisper on the phone.
“Sorry, Em, honestly, cant. Busy,” Ben replied.
Behind him, his mother, Elizabeth, smiled. She liked Emily, thought her such a sweet girlproper, wholesome. Emily often came around, played piano four hands with Aunt Lizzie, shared her love for vanilla slices and fried potatoes with honeyed tea. If Elizabeth had had a daughter, shed want her just like Emily. Maybe, in time, Emily would be a daughter stilla daughter-in-law, Bens wife Elizabeth held onto that hope.
“That Emily? Let me speak to herneed to ask about the dress!”
Reluctantly, Ben handed the receiver to his mum, who was soon chit-chatting about seams and gathers and how delightfully slim Emilys waist was, what a pleasure she was to sew for.
Emily said something back, Lizzie laughed, nodded, then said her goodbyes.
“Youre still going tomorrow?” she asked her son. “Emily says shell wait for you at the station. Whats this nonsense you told her about chores? Ben, get your rucksack packed, Ill wake you up early!”
She ruffled his hair, blew across his fringe, and humming a Dusty Springfield tune, went off.
“Alright, Mum. Sure” said Alexander, frowning, then called out he was taking out the rubbish.
He took the rubbish to the bin and made his way over to his mates in the park, exchanged a few words. They nodded, offered him a cigarette, which he smoked quickly, watching to make sure his mum wouldnt appear at the window.
Next morning, Elizabeth woke him early, saw he ate a good breakfast, and saw him out with his rucksack shoved into his arms.
“Give Emily my love!” she whispered on the way out. “And remember, Ben, dont let things get out of handEmilys a gentle one, wont put up with anything cheeky.”
“Mum!” shot Ben, flushed.
“What? I know how worked up you aremind yourself, hang on for the right moment, start things properly! Off you go!”
He waved goodbye and walked to the bus stop.
But Emily waited in vain at the platform, scanning every face, calling for him, begging the others to wait a little longer.
“He wont come! Em, either youre on board or not. The train leaves in two minutes! Were not holding for onelets get on!” Instructor Chapman barked, and the group headed aboard.
* * *
“You made it! Well done!” Annie greeted him in the courtyard, wrapped up in a scarf as thin as cobwebs. She smiled, showing white, even teeth, shivered a little. Ben ached to peel off his jacket and wrap her in it, warm her hands in his. “The lorry should be here soon with the furnitureI mentioned it yesterday, didnt I? Whats your name, by the way? I should have asked”
She bit her lower lip, tilting her head.
“Ben,” the young man replied, voice rougher than usual.
“As in Ben Johnson How funny” she murmured. “Wait, you have an eyelash herelet me take it. Now, blow it off and make a wish!”
She brushed the stray eyelash from his cheek with warm, red-tipped fingers, then held it out. He blew, making his wish, inhaling her cinnamon-and-spice perfume, dizzy and inviting.
Mark suddenly appeared beside them. Annie pulled her hand away, turned sharply towards the gate.
“Annie, come inside, its cold. Come, Ill handle this!” Mark said sternly.
“I dont want to, thanks,” Annie retorted. “Its you, Mark, who needs coddling. The air does me good! Ben, lets see if the lorrys arrived!”
She set off for the road without looking back, sure Ben would follow dutifully. Mark stood there, ashen and exhausted, watching them go.
Bens mates arrived, and the lorry pulled in.
“Boxes first, carefulglass in there! And these are photos. Oh, Ben!” Annie said as they nearly collided, “Do stay on after, Mum will make you something. Her roast is legendary, isnt it, Mark?” she called over her shoulder. “Dont just loom there like a statueget inside and start unpacking! Give Mother a breakdo something yourself for once!”
Mark sloped off, swallowing hard, wanting to speak but only sighing.
“Ben, are you at uni? What do you study?” Annie asked as they carried boxes. “Oh, fancy a coffee after? Theres a café nearbyor you could come up to ours! I have some Italian beans, freshly ground. Itll be wonderful!”
“No, honestly, theres so much work here,” Ben said, lifting another side table.
“There are enough people. Come on, Ill show you the flat, show you round!” Annie cooed, beckoning him into the lift. “And whats with the rucksack?”
Ben mumbled something about the dig, his course, his interests.
But when the lift doors closed, Annie turned, laid her hands over his mouth.
“Thats enough, darling. Its dull. Study, exams, workeveryone does that, its dull. Lets not. Kiss me, Ben! You want to, dont you? Please?”
Ben stared, lost in the proximity of her face, her whisper-soft breath and that intoxicating perfume.
She put his hands on her waist, pressed herself to him, cupped his chin, drew his face down to hers
Later that night, turning over again and again, Ben replayed the kiss, ground his teeth at how quickly the lift had reached the sixth floor and opened onto Annies mother carrying a pot plant in the corridor.
Good Lord, how awkward that was. Annie, though, acted as if nothing had happened, pulling Ben inside.
“Mum, this is Benwere having coffee. Dont be shycome in! This is my mum, Susan”
Ben couldnt bring himself to cross the threshold with Mark hovering silent and unwell in the hallway, showing the deliverymen where to put the sideboard. Mark sighed, clutched his chest as the movers crashed about.
Ben left the building, hung about outside, wandered the streets with his rucksack, sometimes dragging it, sometimes slumping around sports courts, boxing nothing, doing chin-ups until his arms shookremembering still the sensation of Annies waist under his hands
* * *
“So, how was the trip, Ben? Thought you were gone for two days?” Elizabeth greeted her son with concern as he came in.
“Not a good time? It was fine. Like always,” murmured Ben, kicking off his shoes and heading for his room.
She sighed. Had they fallen out, he and Emily? Such a shame; they made such a perfect pair, always together since they were kids, since Emilys family had moved here from who-knows-where, shy of city bustle but already bright and musical. Ben had looked after her from day one, protected her When they grew up, they walked out together, holding hands differently, the way Elizabeth wished for them.
“Dont fret so, Ben. If youve rowed, that passes. Emily is a good oneshell forgive,” Elizabeth whispered as he passed her by the bathroom. “Go and wash up, Ill dish up supper. And you know, youre always welcome here, no matter what, love.”
Ben stroked her shoulder.
“Im not hungry, mum. Ill just go to bed”
He dreamt of Annie, endlessly reliving the scene in the lift, wishing it would never stop.
The next evening, as Elizabeth pulled fresh scones from the oven and spread them on a plate, Emily popped in.
“Oh, Emily darling, what a tan! Whereve you been? Ben came home looking like a ghost, you know. Ben! Ben, love, Emilys here! Come have some tea!”
Ben came reluctantly from his room.
“Hello,” he nodded.
“Hi Oh, Ben, let me show you something!” chirped Emily, banishing the silence. If Ben had avoided her, skipped the dig, looked at her with that closed-off expression, well, he was still her sweet Ben. Impossible to be cross. “Look what we found! Like in the book! Mr. Chapman said hell send pictures to the museum!”
She darted into his room, laying out stones on his desk.
“Sorry, a bit of dirt and sandlet me”
She turned, about to fetch a cloth, but Ben grabbed her, squeezed her ribs so tightly she gasped, nuzzled his prickly chin into her neck, tried for a kiss, but Emily broke free, pushing him away.
“What are you doing, Ben? No, thats not it, this isnt” She choked and grabbed her backpack.
“What is it then, eh? How long are you going to keep teasing me? Ringing, sending those messages. Whyd you bother?” Ben hissed, blocking the door and slamming it behind her. “Go on, prove you love me! Show me how much!”
He grabbed her again, but she swung her bag at him, clipped his back, and left.
“Emily, but wait” Elizabeth called from the kitchen but was interrupted by the slam of the front door.
About an hour later, the bell rang.
“Ben, answerit might be Emily. Dont quarrel, please,” urged his mum.
“We didnt quarrel. She just lost her head. Forget it!”
“Ben, thats not right. I dont know what happened, but I hope I have nothing to be ashamed of. Ill fetch it myself.”
Elizabeth opened the door, surprised to see Annie standing there, smiling.
“Good evening,” Annie swept in confidently. “Im here for Alexander. We meant to have coffee, but we never did. Have you got some here?” Annie headed for the kitchen as if it were her home.
“And you are? Bens tired, resting. You cant just” Elizabeth blocked the way.
“Im just visiting. Surprised? Hes a darling boy; youve raised him well! Oh, what charming curtains You have a piano! May I play? Mum and I adore music! Oh, such tone! Come and join in!”
Annie took over the lounge, lavishing compliments, laughingit was like a whirlwind, unannounced and uninvited.
Elizabeth looked flummoxed, apologising for nothing as Annie prattled on.
Ben reappeared. Annie slipped money into his shirt pocket.
“Mark asked me to give you this. You helped us so much! Ben, can I see your room?”
“Were just having supper, perhaps its enough for today,” suggested Elizabeth, but Annie just shrugged, “Lets have supper then.”
“But” Elizabeth tried to intervene. She could feel the tension, see the way Annie looked at her son and called to him with her hands and voice. Women recognise when another woman wants their child, no psychology degree required.
“Ill toss a salad, shall I? Im no cook, but my salads are lovely. Ben, help me tie the apron”
Annie had already taken Lizzies apron when Alex led her away by the elbow to the hallway.
“Thanks for coming, Aunt Annie, but Mums not wellshe needs a rest” he said loudly.
“Well all right,” Annie shrugged sadly. “At least come and see me out then, its dark in your stairwell and the bulbs nearly gone. Im scared!”
Ben obediently walked her down a flight. At the landing, she turned, threw her arms around him, and began covering his face in kisses.
“Dear, it was clever of me to spirit you away, wasnt it? Your mother nearly skewered me, but I took you anyway! Come, Ben, come roundMum and Mark are at the theatre, ages yet. You want to, dont you…”
She led him through the orange-lit streets, holding his hand, glancing at him sideways, hardly believing he was real.
At the crossroads, a girl called after them.
“Oh, for goodness sake,” Ben muttered, “Emily”
“Whos that, your girlfriend?” Annie scanned the crowd.
“No, just a course-mate,” Ben spat.
Annie kissed him full on the mouth, and Ben flinched.
“What are you so afraid of? Dont you want her off your back? Shes not the one for you, not reallylet her see youve moved on! Be a man, Ben, you get to choose! Anyway, lets get going, time’s ticking!”
Annie was his firstworldly, daring, irresistible. Hed always remember her, compare every woman to Annie, but none would come close There would be plenty of women, turning through them like rosary beads bought at a car boot sale, laying them out, picking whichever took his fancy that daybut never another Annie.
“Annie, youve got a husband” Ben protested as she stroked him in bed.
“So what?” she shrugged. “Marks only my husband on paper.”
“Then why stay? Get divorced and well well marry!” Ben blurted.
“Oh, stop it, silly! Marks my cross to bear. Once upon a time, he was all rightI married him because Mum and I cant look after ourselves. Daddy pampered us, took care of everything, understood and forgave our silly nonsense. When he passed, we struggled. I physically cant workI waste away. Mum might have done lessons, but she cant stand fool childrenended up in hysterics. Oh Ben, it was awful!” Annie stood up, pouring them wine, moving easily, boldly, as if all meant to bear witness to her beauty. “Mark saved us. He worked for Dad, was mad for me. He proposed, I accepted. I make a terrible housewife, but Im good for a chat or a party. Mark either was happy or pretended. The main thinghe brought in money! Call me mercenary if you likeI paid in kind.”
Ben raised an eyebrow, “Still”
“Rubbish. Im not a gold-diggerI’m the lawful wife, nothing for you to sneer at!” Annies voice trembled.
“Sorry I justplease, come here,” Ben panicked, scared she might throw him out and the bliss end.
“And children? Why are there none?”
“I fell pregnant in our second year. It was awfulsick all the time. Mark dragged us to some seaside charade with his mates, fishing, evening tipples. I slipped on wet steps, fell It was his fault! He can live with it! I cursed him then and there, under anaesthetic, wouldnt even count backwards, just told the world how I hated him. Hell never be a father, well, hes been punished already. You know, he was mugged while in hospital, stabbed. I visited him, so pitiful under grey sheets, suffering as I did. I decided not to leave himhes on disability pay. Works at home, translates, Mum runs his errands. He cant leave me, hes riddled with guilt; I need to exist somehow. But I love you, Ben. You.”
They fell silent for a long while.
Ben left when Annie said she sensed her husband was returning.
She always sensed thingsjoy, foreboding, unrest, happiness. She believed in omens, read the cards, yet at the same time crossed herself and kneltnakedto beg Gods forgiveness.
“Where have you been?” his mum confronted him on his return, barring the bathroom. “You reek of womens perfume, look a state, circles under your eyes Emily” She broke off, as Ben gently moved her aside.
“Emily? She means nothing to me, Mumjust a yapping puppy, thats all. You always liked herit was your fantasy. Shes nothing to me! Dont interrogate meEmily can ring, tell her to leave off. Shes just a dried-up old stick!”
“Say that to my face!” flashed a voice behind him. “Cant be bothered with your mum? So Im a mongrel, am I?”
Emily, head down, tied her trainers, grabbed her bag, dashed out into the stairwell. She stumbled, scraped her knee, but only let herself cry once she reached her own doorstep, stung both to the skin and right through her heart.
* * *
Elizabeth met Annies mother by chance in the park, feeding ducks. Liz approached, stood beside her. News of Bens entanglement with Annie had reached her from Emily.
“Your daughters nothing but a siren,” Elizabeth said. “Do the decent thingkeep her away from my boy.”
Susan finished scattering the bread, sat. “No, my Annies only making up for marrying too young. Shes out and about because her husband left her childless. My daughter does what she likes because shes a real woman.”
“Shes a vampiredraining men dry!” Elizabeth said, louder than intended. “Bens just a boy and shes ruined him, stolen him from a good girl! It stinks, do you not see? And cheating her husband Its disgusting!”
“Oh, dont be dramatic! Your son is lucky. Annies teaching him real passion, not girlish daydreams and ribbons. And your Ben deserves it. Men are for us women to survive, are they not?”
Susan tossed more bread; pigeons fought, tearing scraps from each other.
Elizabeth recoiled. “Not everyone lives that way. People do love each other honestly, as a team, getting by together. And if you wont speak to her, Ill tell her husband everything!”
Susan bared her teeth in an odd grin. “We know already. Why do you think he drags me to concerts and the like? The poor worm suffers, but he loves Annie, and she milks his guilt. Tell him if you like! And let your Ben sow his wild oats. It may spare his future wife.”
Susan dusted off her coat and glided away, delicate and frail, off to another concert with her son-in-law.
* * *
Ben, hiding a bunch of supermarket flowers behind his back, let himself into Annies flatthe door unlocked. Annie was on the phone, her laughter echoing through the hallway. Ben decided to wait.
Hed brought her flowers and a bottle of Prosecco, and newshed quit university, would find a job. Hed look after her, buy her only the best; shed be his wife, perform her private drama for him alone.
“…What? Yes, hell be here soon. Well, just another one, but young at least. Oh Mary! You wouldnt believe the lot of them! Embarrassed? Me? As if! Men are for bending, taming, then discarding. I despise them? Good heavens, no! I adore thembut only as raw material. I shape them as I please, then chuck them out. Try, Mary, it suits you! Ben? Oh, well toy with him awhile longer. Mark fumes at how perfectly I get away with itbut he cant leave, can’t turf me out. Worms, Mary, theyre all worms! From my father to this Ben! Will I ever tire of it? Never! Alright, bye then!”
Annie flounced barefoot into the hallway in her dressing gown, expecting Ben to greet her. But he was gone; all that remained of him was a trampled bouquet and the Prosecco on the floor.
“The partys over, the candles out…” Annie yawned, stretching lazily. “Well, at least Ill sleep tonight. Tomorrow, someone new, perhaps”
That same day, Ben left for his uncles in Newcastle without a word.
“Mike, I dont know whats come over him! He burst in, grabbed his things, and gone! Please keep an eye The uni calleda withdrawal letters ready. Ill beg them to let him stay tomorrowit was the devil, just the devil, Mike”
Mike did his best to console Lizzie, promising to help her through.
* * *
“Mrs. Dawson, are you all right?” Emily met Elizabeth by the college administrative office. “I dropped some forms in. Arent you going in?”
“Emily, hello, I Bens withdrawn, gone away, disappeared. I was hoping theyd wait before striking him off Emily, forgive him. Im not asking for your love, your friendshipjust your forgiveness, for my own sake. I raised him unable to sort right from wrong, unable to tell wheat from chaff”
Elizabeth crumpled her handkerchief, lips trembling, but she refused to cry. Emily averted her eyes, feeling the old wound ache again.
“Its all right, Mrs Dawson. Wait herelet me check the Deans in”
* * *
Ben returned a month laterbearded, skin weathered, in a heavy jumper and high lace-up boots. He dropped his rucksack in the hallway.
“Ben” Elizabeth asked, exhausted.
“Yes, Mumyes, its me. Wait, Ill be there. Mum”
He knelt, and she stroked his hair, crying and whispering. Not all men are worms, she thought. Bens dad died in Afghanistanhe wasnt a worm! Her own grandfather had worked at a lathe, lost his fingers and eyesightnot a worm, not at all. What was Ben? Kind, loving, lost, easy to forgivebut thatd only teach him how easily forgiveness could be bought. But Lizzie was not just a womanshe was his mother.
“You need to see Emily, apologise. Not try to fix what you broke or revive your love, but to say sorry for what you said then. Thats whats right, son. I love you, remember. But you must love and respect yourself too, or else youll”
“A worm?” Ben suggested with a wry grin.
Emily finally answered the door after he rang and rang. He apologised, asked nothing in return, only told her hed never met anyone as gentle as her and envied the man whod share her life.
She nodded. Shed wanted that man to be Ben. Yes, childish crush, naivety, but Emily knew what it means to nurture something bright and bold inside, swelling with strengtha flower of first love. Most often, its plucked and withers, but it can never be forgotten. It marks the path of your life; it has your name and years carved in it, years you spent loving. It means youre alive, you can feel, and to love as a person means you have a reason to exist.
Ben moved to part-time study and, after graduation, left altogether. Elizabeth still hopes she might one day be a mother-in-law, a grandmother, but for now she dotes on Emilys children, sometimes babysitting, knitting toys for them. Emily has a loving husband, looks after her love, tries to keep darkness away. Shes a wonderful wifejust not to Lizzies son, mores the pity.
Three years on, Annie found herself widowed. She works in a corner shop across from her flat, hating her job and her mother, who never became a teacher after all but just sits at home sighing over her lost son-in-law.
