I Never Loved My Wife and Always Told Her So: It’s Not Her Fault

I never loved my wife, and I have told her that countless times. The blame wasnt herswe managed to get by reasonably well.
My name is André Oliveira, I live in Santarém, where the memory of hard times still lingers in our hearts. I never loved my wife, Catarina, and Ive confessed this bitter truth to her more often than Id like to admit. She didnt deserve itshe never caused drama, never scolded me, always affectionate, attentive, almost saintly. Yet my heart stayed as cold as the Douros ice in winter. There was no love, and that emptiness gnawed at me from the inside.
Every morning I woke with the same thought: to leave. I dreamed of finding a woman who would set a fire inside me, who would take my breath away. But fate dealt me a cruel hand and turned everything upside down, leaving me adrift. Catarina was as comfortable as an old armchair. She ran the house flawlessly, she was striking enough to turn heads, and friends would say, How lucky are you to have found her? I couldnt understand why I earned her loyalty. I was an ordinary man, nothing special, and she loved me as if I were her entire world. How could that be?
Her love suffocated me. Worse still was the notion that if I left, she would be taken by someone elsesomeone richer, more handsome, more successfulsomeone who would appreciate what I could not see. The idea of her in anothers arms filled me with a blind fury. She was mine, even though I had never loved her. That possessiveness overrode my reason. Can one spend a whole life beside someone whose heart doesnt beat for you? I thought I could, but I was wronga storm was brewing inside me that I could not contain.
Ill tell you everything tomorrow, I said as I lay down. The next morning, at breakfast, I gathered the little courage I possessed. Catarina, sit down, we need to talk, I began, meeting her calm eyes. Of course, dear, whats on your mind? she replied with her usual tenderness. Imagine we get divorced. I leave, we live apart She laughed as if I were joking. What strange thoughts! Is this a game?
Listen, Im serious, I interrupted. Fine, I imagined it. And then? she asked, still smiling. Tell me honestly: will you find someone if I go? She froze. André, whats happening with you? Why are you thinking this? concern edged her voice. Because I dont love you and never have, I blurted, like a blow.
Catarina turned pale. What? Are you kidding? I dont understand. I want to leave, but the idea of you with another person drives me mad, I said, my voice trembling. She fell silent, then, in a wise yet sad tone, replied, I wont find anyone better than you, dont worry. Go away, Ill be alone.
Promise? I asked unintentionally. Of course, she nodded, looking at me. Wait, but where will I go? I hesitated. Dont you have somewhere to stay? she asked, surprised. No, weve always been together. It seems Ill have to stay nearby, I muttered, feeling the floor slip away. Dont worry, Catarina answered. After the divorce well exchange our house for two smaller ones.
Really? I didnt expect youd help so much. Why? I asked, stunned. Because I love you. When you love, you dont hold on by force, she said, her words sounding like a verdict.
Months passed. We divorced. Then rumors reached me: Catarina had lied. She had found anothertall, confident, with a friendly smile. She never thought of sharing the apartment she inherited from her grandmother. I was left with nothingno home, no family, no faith in people. The betrayal felt like a knife in my back, and to this day I still hear her voice: Ill be alone. A lie. Cold, calculating, and I believed it, like a fool.
How can I trust women now? I dont know. My life with her was comfortable but empty, and now even that is gone. Im in a rented room, staring at the wall, replaying that conversation. Her calm, her wordsnothing but a mask. Friends say, Its your fault, André, what did you expect? And theyre right. I didnt love her, but I wanted to keep her attached to me, as if she were an object. She left, and the solitude I feared came crashing down. Perhaps this is my penancefor the coldness, the selfishness, for never valuing her heart. Now Im alone, and the silence around me hurts more than her departure. What do people think of my actions? I dont even know who the bigger fool isme or her.