19March
Ive been staring at the kitchen table for hours, trying to sort out the mess that family life has become. Aunt Lisa keeps warning me, Natalie, youre still a teenager. Think twice before taking on your brothers care. She points to the boys at the park and says, Look at thembarely thirteen. If Kyle starts acting up, what will you do?
I cant let my brother end up in a childrens home. The thought of him there keeps me up at nightwhether hes healthy, whether hes fed, whether anyone will treat him badly. I told Aunt Lisa, I wont rest until I know hes safe.
We lost Mum a few weeks ago. The small gathering at the old house brought together the few surviving relatives: my mothers sisters, Elizabeth and Irene, a cousins husband, and Irenes sixteenyearold daughter, Lily. Aunt Jenny, a friend of Mums from her workplace, also showed up. After the funeral, we were left to figure out how the children would survive.
Im nineteen, just finished my second year of a degree in Economics at the University of Leeds. Im on a scholarship, but Ill still need a parttime job to make ends meet. It wont be easy, but I can manage.
Kyle is thirteen. No one else in the family can take him in.
We live in a cramped twobedroom terraced house, Aunt Lisa explains, me, my husband, two lads, and my motherinlaw. Theres no room for another.
Irene sighs, We moved out, and now Borislav has fallen back into drinkinghe was sacked last week. We cant have a child in that chaos.
Our cousins husband simply says, Our own three.
So if I cant get legal guardianship, the council will send Kyle straight to a childrens home.
Kyle wasnt at the meeting; he was on the swing set outside, a quiet boy next to his mate Max.
Been talking about this long? Max asks.
Two hours, Kyle replies. Natalie wants to be my guardian, but her aunts think Im a troublemaker and that she cant handle me.
What do you think? Max presses.
Im not sure, but I dont want a childrens home. I want to stay at home, go to school, play football.
The aunts tried one last time to dissuade me.
Natalie, youre still young. You should think about starting your own family, having children. Having Kyle with you will be like a weight around your neckwhat kind of man would want a girl with that extra burden? Irene says. Dont worry, just put him in a home. You can visit, maybe take him back for holidays. Were looking out for you. Hell ruin your life.
Seeing my resolve, Aunt Lisa adds, Sell that old bike, buy something cheaper for you and Kyle, and live on the difference while you study.
By evening everyone had left. I called Kyle inside.
Come on, eat something decent. Youve been nibbling all day.
He ate, and I sat opposite him just as Mum used to.
So, Kyle, well get through this? I asked.
He gave a silent nod, eyes fixed on his plate.
The next day I started hunting for work. With a secondyear Economics degree, I sent out CVs for manager and accountant assistant roles, but none replied. I lowered my expectations and applied for sales assistant jobs. Two interviews later, one place seemed promising until they learned Id continue studying parttime.
Two exam periods a year, wholl work then? they said.
I was frustrated. The only option left was a cashier job at the supermarket down the road. Our neighbour works there and swore theyd take me they need staff, theyll have a spot for you.
On my way home I ran into my former maths teacher, Mrs Olga Stephens, now the form tutor for Kyle. She knows our family situation and offered to help with the guardianship paperwork, providing the necessary references.
By the way, our secretary is going on maternity leave. Its not a permanent post, but while shes away you could fill in. Its a modest wage, but its close to home and youll always see Kyle, she said.
I got the job, switched to parttime studies, and the small salary, together with Kyles child benefit and the guardianship allowance, allowed us to live modestly without falling into poverty.
Kyle is a typical teenagerthere are arguments and misunderstandings. Sometimes he feels Im overcontrolling; other times I worry Im not firm enough and hell fall in with the wrong crowd.
Overall we manage. I cook, do the laundry; Kyle helps around the flat, takes out the rubbish, washes the dishes, and can run to the shops when needed.
My boyfriend, Victor, wasnt thrilled about my new responsibilities.
I dont get why youve taken on this load. Id rather we both just focus on our studies and live normally. Remember last weekend when we all went to the holiday centre? You refused because you couldnt leave Kyle. I went alone, feeling like a fool. Then when Les wanted to invite me to his birthday at the cottage, you said no again. I cant deal with that.
We eventually broke up. At first I was hurt, but then I thought, Why should I stay with someone who cant understand my priorities?
In the end, the brother I was caring for helped me find my own happiness.
Kyle kept playing football at the sports academy. At fourteen he broke into the first team and began appearing in competitive matches.
One Saturday we watched his team play an away game against a side from a neighbouring town. I was in the stands cheering, and Kyle even scored one of the three winning goals. In the final minutes he twisted his ankle badly.
He received first aid on the pitch, and the assistant coach, Ian, offered to drive us home.
Didnt know Kyle had such a young mother, Ian joked.
Its not a mother, its a sister, Kyle corrected.
The next day Ian called to ask how Kyle was feeling, then again to invite me for coffee, then for a proper date.
A year later we celebrated two milestones at once: my wedding to Ian and Kyles admission to the Olympic reserve sports college.
Life is ordinary, full of grief and joy, but its ours.
Natalie.
