When Love Gave Me the Cold Shoulder: Life With a Woman Who Undid Me, Day by Day
When Love Passed Me By: My Years Married to a Woman Who Chipped Away at Me Each Day
Silence and I had been close companions for far too long. I kept quietafter all, my troubles felt like a minor headache compared to real tragedy. Besides, I grew up believing that a man should simply carry on, come what may. But now, as I sit here at 58, with three decades of marriage behind me and nothing in my chest but a weariness, a hollow ache, and a draught whistling through what once was hopeI wonder what on earth it was all for. Life happened to me, but happiness? That must’ve caught a different train. Its not a homejust some brickwork. Not a familyjust a never-ending skirmish. Under one roof, but perfect strangers. Together, but each day felt like a battle for my right to exist. And, lets be honest, it might just be too late to right this leaky ship.
Domestic Dramas
I chose my wife for practical reasons. Paid for it with my whole life.
I was 28 when my parents gently nudged mein that “not actually optional” waytowards marrying Susan. Enough bachelors about, time you settled down. Shes sensible, well brought-up. Came from a decent family, you know. Love? I didnt love Susan. Back then, I thought love was for wide-eyed daydreamers, and what counted in real life was having your feet on the ground. So we got married, and then it felt like someone switched the lights off.
Susan wasted little time establishing who ruled the roost. She found pleasure in poking fun at me in front of my mates, and could serve up sarcasm at family gatherings like it was high tea. In public? Oh, she was as sweet as treacle tart. At home? The temperature dropped below freezing. At a dinner party: What a caring husband you have! At home: that same day, shed lob a mug at my head and mutter through gritted teeth, Youre useless. An absolute nobody!
Every little thing set her off: how I sat, how I chewed, how I spoke, how I simply kept breathing. But I soldiered on, teeth clenched. For the children. So theyd have what looked a bit like a family. I thought, perhaps naively, that things would get better. They didnt. They got worse. My life was reduced to survival. Even the neighbours cats got on better than we did.
When the Kids Moved OutThe Nightmare Really Began
Our boys grew up, made their own lives, and, with the house now quiet, Susan dropped the last of her masks. No more pretending. I built a little shed at the back and moved in. We no longer ate together, barely exchanged a sentencelet alone a laugh. We shared the kitchen, the crockery, the fridge. She actually started sticking labels on her food containers so I wouldnt touch them. A bit of a sitcom, really. One roof, but it might as well have been two different postcodes.
Id eat alone. Go to bed alone. Wakestill with that same weight pressed into my chest. And when some well-meaning friend would say, You and Susan really are a sturdy couple! Id nearly burst into howls. If this was strength, it felt an awful lot like a cage.
Every Day Started With Accusations and Ended With Insults
On days Susan stayed home, the forecast was heavy storms. Left the bins again, did you, you absolute waste of space? could then escalate to a full-blown rant about how Id ruined her whole life. Youre pathetic! Always in my way!her favourite refrain. I tried to keep schtum, thinking silence would wear her out. Not a chance. Her anger could go twelve rounds with a heavyweight. Somebody had to suffer, and, conveniently, I was nearby.
I remember catching her on the phone to a friend: Hes like a footstool. Just sits in a corner; you hardly know hes there. Thats when it really hit me: I wasnt even a person to her anymorejust background decor. And the worst part? I had nowhere to go. Id built this house myselfbrick by bloody brickworked like a dog, raised two boys, watched every penny and now the only reason not to move out was so I wouldnt end up on the streets.
Honestly, Why Am I Still Here? Im Not Even Sure Myself.
Leave? To where exactly? The boysGod love emhave their own troubles and families now, and do their best to look away from the cracks. When they visit, they act like things are perfectly lovely. Its easier that way for everyone, I suppose. As for mewell, Im just waiting. For it all to pass. To one day stop having to bite back tears or brace myself for another round. To see the bitterness evaporate, to no longer have to defend myself from a woman whos become a stranger.
Maybe this isnt even meant for me. Maybe this is for anyone who still has time left. If youre at a crossroads, for heavens sake: dont marry without love. Dont spend your days alongside someone who does nothing but put your light out. Dont set yourself alight to keep up appearances. Kids grow up and leave. In the end, its just the two of youand theres nothing quite like facing down the years with someone who never cared. One day, youll realiseyour whole life walked right on past, just like mine did.
