Olivia, theres no need for all this. Im married, and I love my wife, he said quietly, reciting the words hed prepared.
Its strange how memories wander back on days like these. Harold and Elaine had been husband and wife for twenty-two years. The fire between them had long since cooled, replaced by an affectionate, gentle sort of companionship. Their daughter Jane was in her second year at Kings College, determined to walk the same path as her parents in medicine. It was little wonder, really since childhood, Jane had grown up in a household filled with talk of illnesses, pills, and patients grumbles. Even as a young girl, shed pore over their old medical atlases, tracing the human anatomy with fascinated fingers.
Harold and Elaine had noticed one another properly only once placement began at the clinics. Hed helped her examine her first patient a brash young man who, to Harolds annoyance, openly flirted with Elaine. Two years later, just before their finals, they married.
Once theyd completed their studies, both had found positions at St Marys Hospital. Elaine was in cardiology, Harold in orthopaedic surgery. On this rare evening, their shifts happened to finish at the same time, so they drove home together.
Shall we stop at the shop? Theres not a vegetable left for salad, Elaine suggested.
Leave it for tomorrow, cant we? Im beat. The operation today was exhausting, Harold replied as he adeptly navigated the bustling streets of the town.
Tomorrow well need even more, Elaine countered. Drop me by the grocers, and you go on home.
And let you haul all those heavy bags back on your own? Id never forgive myself. Well go together, said Harold, as he turned into the car park.
He steered the trolley around the crowded aisles, trailing after Elaine as she piled it high with groceries.
See, I was right, Harold remarked, nodding at the overflowing trolley while they queued at the checkout.
At least we wont need to shop all week, Elaine replied with a twinkle in her eye. Oh! I forgot the bread, and off she dashed.
Harold sighed and began unloading onto the conveyor. The space was tight and a box of pasta tumbled onto the mound of groceries belonging to the customer in front.
The woman ahead of him shot him a look of reproach. He apologised hastily, rescued the box, and held onto it awkwardly.
She turned, studying him. She was just about his height, sombre brown eyes, the corners of her lips nearly invisible, hair a dull yellow, dark roots showing, twisted into a messy bun. Her muddy brown coat hung too loose on her thin frame.
Harold gave a conciliatory smile and averted his eyes, scanning the shop for Elaine. Where had she vanished to? He wouldnt be surprised if she bought half the bakery too. He glanced back at the woman was she a patient? He couldnt place her.
Harry? the woman suddenly asked, her face flickering with the delight of recognition.
I do we know each other? Were you a patient of mine? Sorry, I cant recall Harold fumbled.
So you really did become a doctor, like you always dreamed, she said. Im Olivia. Olivia Kent. The joy drained as quickly as it had come.
He peered at her now that shed given her name. Yes, the way she stood was familiar Olivia
Kent?! Suddenly it all returned to him: after-school football matches, that girl running ahead, dark hair trailing in the wind, his heart pounding as he tried in vain to catch up.
Have I changed so much? Olivia asked in disappointment. You, on the other hand, have grown into yourself. Even better than before.
Just then Elaine returned, arms full. Harold, flustered, didnt even comment on the pastries shed added to the basket, very unlike him. Elaine examined her packages for a place on the full conveyor. At that moment the cashier sent the belt rolling to the till.
Harold gathered himself:
Elaine, this is Olivia Kent, an old classmate. Olivia, my wife, Elaine.
Elaine eyed Olivia with curiosity; Olivia, for her part, turned away to pay for her goods. Olivia collected her bag and lingered near the door.
She cant be waiting for me, can she? Harold thought, uncomfortable. It would be just my luck if shes here to complain about some ailment everyone corners us for medical advice the moment they find out what we do.
Harry, do you have the card? Elaines voice brought him back.
He paid, took the laden bags, and walked out. Olivia held the door open, and he felt awkward what on earth was she playing at?
They all stepped out under the awning.
Where are you living these days? Olivia asked, ignoring Elaine. Still at your parents old place?
No, we bought a flat just nearby, makes it easier to look in on them. And you? he replied politely.
Oh, over that way, she gestured vaguely. Conversation stalled. I should get going. It was good to see you, Harry. She seemed to need permission from him to leave.
When he said nothing, she turned and disappeared into the drizzle.
Did she fancy you once? Elaine asked with a sidelong look as they reached the car. Youve never told me.
No, she didnt, Harold replied.
Are you sure? She looked at you like she still carries a torch to this day.
No, it was me I was the one head over heels for her. But she chose the local football captain, Jack Griffiths.
I reckon seeing you now, she knows she made a mistake. I cant say Im not a bit jealous, Elaine teased.
Well, whether she regrets it or not, it doesnt matter to me. I have no regrets.
And that was the end of it at least for that night. Yet Harold lay awake, his mind full of old images: his adoring, foolishly love-struck younger self, nearly flunking his A-levels for want of focus, back when ones last school exams seemed the end of the world.
Shes changed so much. Were all the same age, but no one believes Elaine is as old as she is. Life with Jack cant have been easy; he was maddening, even back then. People always said Jack would make the national team. And I was just the quiet one, a bookworm
He drifted off at dawn, never heard Elaine rise. After that intricate surgery, he had the rare luxury of a lie-in. When he finally got up, Elaine had already left; a plate of sandwiches and lukewarm coffee waited for him in the kitchen.
He showered, dressed, and headed into work. Waiting at the traffic lights, he spotted a brown coat at the bus stop Olivia again. Instinct said to drive on and pretend not to notice, but shed already seen him and was waving. He relented and pulled over.
Morning! Lucky I saw you the bus is nowhere to be seen and Im frozen! Olivia said, bundling herself into the car.
She sat small and drawn, hands stuffed in the coat. Shed made an effort today, a touch of makeup, hair tidied more neatly.
Harold couldnt shake the feeling that shed come to this stop just to see him. She mustve been waiting since half eight. Amazing she hasnt turned to an icicle.
I havent seen you around before, he said, more out of politeness.
I just moved back, Olivia explained.
Is everything alright? Is it you, or someone in your family, needing help? he asked.
No, nothing like that. I only wanted to see you, she admitted. The other day, in the shop, we didnt get a chance to talk properly. I I cant sleep at night lately. Do you remember how you used to chase me? And I she broke off, half-laughing, half-sighing.
And you went and picked the football star.
Youre heartless, she replied, the levity gone. We all hope for a prince, but girls so often cant tell a prince from a charlatan.
Do you have any children? You said you and Jack split up.
No children. He was always training or off for matches, came home shattered. In the end, he got injured, was dropped by everyone. He never learned to do anything else. Couldnt even manage coaching. Turned to drink. I tried to help, then nearly got dragged under myself. Leaving was the only way. Olivia fell silent.
Where should I drop you? Harold asked into the hush.
Doesnt matter, Ive missed it. Pull over, Ill get the bus back.
Dont be daft, tell me your address, he insisted, changing direction for her.
Do you do you have children? she queried.
Yes, a daughter, Jane. Studies medicine, he shared.
Beautiful and bright like you? Pull in here. Will I see you again? Olivias gaze held his.
Olivia he began, but a horn blared impatiently behind them. Blasted traffic, cant stop here. Hang on.
No, Ill get out. Promise me well meet again.
He nodded, waited for her to step from the car, and drove on toward the hospital.
Why am I caught in this? I have a wife I love. These promise mes and lets meet agains arent what I want
Yet just a few days later, she was there again, this time waiting outside his block of flats. He was returning after another night shift, longing only for his bed. Rain was coming down in sheets. He almost missed her, his hood pulled low; she called out just as he reached the entrance.
Olivia, dont. Im married, and I love my wife he repeated, the words now automatic.
Where can we talk? she asked, breezily unfazed.
Harold shrugged at the empty square. My daughters in, so the car?
The cars interior was warm, scented with air freshener and leather cleaner.
Dont misunderstand, Im not after anything, Olivia stated as she settled in.
Then why this obsession, Olivia?
As soon as I saw you, I decided I dont mean to break up your marriage, honestly, let me finish. After Jack, after all that misery, I can scarcely look at another man. But I regretted pushing you away. I honestly thought youd moved far away. And all this time you lived here
Not here, across town, Harold corrected.
Yes, you did mention it, she murmured.
So what are you trying to tell me? How dreadful your marriage was? his exhaustion pricked his temper.
When I saw you at the shop, I realised I wanted a child from you. A son.
Olivia, Ive told you, Im not leaving Elaine. I love her, he said, firmer now.
I cant afford IVF, she continued, as though he hadnt spoken.
Are you out of your mind? Thats the most appalling thing Ive ever heard, he fired back, half in disbelief.
Im completely alone, but I could still have a child. I swear Id never trouble you again after. Just once
Do you hear yourself? Harold nearly shouted. You send me away for years, now shamelessly propose this? Youre not yourself.
He looked at Olivia. Tears shone in her eyes.
Dont cry, for heavens sake. Dont lose your pride. You were always grand, spirited, beautiful.
I was and now you see whats left, she gave a rueful laugh.
She reached for him, but he turned his head away.
Olivia, Im shattered, I just want to sleep. Youre talking about a child, but dont care if I want it? he asked, calmer, resigned.
Most men would jump at the chance
But not me. And why didnt you have a child before? Surely someone else would have
I never liked any of them enough. A child should be born of real feeling, or hell never be happy. I tried, but it wasnt to be.
Harold had no reply. The whole affair was too brazen, too wrong.
So you want to use me? As breeding stock? I cant do that. Wont betray my family, or my wife. Youll have to look elsewhere, he said, searching her face for the schoolgirl hed once chased.
She had her face in her hands, shoulders shaking.
Olivia, please…
Then, suddenly, she let her hands drop and began to laugh a ragged, unstoppable laugh. Harold sat, unsure whether to be angry or sorry. The laughter turned to tears; she fished out a handkerchief.
Im not laughing at you, but at myself. Look what Ive sunk to. Youre right. Forgive me, Olivia opened the car door and stepped out into the rain.
Harold watched her retreat, shoulders hunched, sorrow carved into her every movement.
When Elaine came home, Harold was frying potatoes.
Somethings happened, hasnt it? Youve always avoided cooking, Elaine watched him carefully.
I ran into Olivia. And he told her everything.
Elaine listened, silent and intent.
I refused her, of course. I doubt shell turn up again. Whats wrong? Dont you believe me?
I do, Elaine said evenly. She must be truly desperate to ask such a thing and why you?
Harold shrugged.
She said she wanted a son whod be like me clever and handsome. Potatoes are done. Dyou want supper now, or wait for Jane?
Lets eat, Elaine replied.
Some time later, Harold spotted Olivia once more. She stood under a tree in the courtyard, thin and alone.
Youre going to force me to move house, he said as he approached.
I only wanted to see you one more time. I shant trouble you again, I promise.
Olivia walked off, every step heavy with pride and loneliness. For a moment, he wanted to call after her, offer something kind. But he was afraid it would be misunderstood.
He never saw her again. He never wanted to know if she achieved her goal or moved on to someone else. He already had Elaine and Jane, and was unwilling to risk it all for a whim from the past.
