Just to Keep Going
Megan, a spirited little girl with two messy pigtails, darts across the wide, sunlit veranda of their country cottage. Her eyes gleam with excitement, rosy cheeks flushed after a morning of fun. Spotting her brothers friend ambling towards the door, she halts abruptly, catching her breath before rushing after him.
Without hesitation, Megan skips to the young man and clings tightly to his hand with her small, warm fingers. Tilting her head back, she looks up at him with pure, earnest innocence and gives a melodic peal of laughter.
I’ll never let you go! When Im grown up Ill marry you, just wait and see!
The young man stops for a moment, his eyebrows raised in amused surprise, but soon his face melts into a warm, gentle smile. He gazes at this lively, mischievous child with fondness and a trace of disbelief. In a friendly, slightly teasing tone, he responds:
I’ll wait.
As he speaks, he gently ruffles her tousled hair, making the pigtails stick out in all directions. Megan squints for a moment but immediately grins again, refusing to let go.
And until then, he continues, bending so their eyes meet, mind your studies and listen to your Mum and Dad. Youll have to be deserving if you want to be my fiancée.
His words are not stern, but coloured with the soft, affectionate warmth adults sometimes show to children. Megan pauses as if weighing his words seriously, then nods enthusiastically, squeezing his hand even tighter:
Alright! Ill be the best ever!
The day hangs thick with the glow of an endless English summerlaughter, sunlight, and naive hopes swirling together, making childrens dreams feel utterly real.
************************
Megan sits in her room, idly flipping through her maths textbook. Dusk is slowly descending outside, and an unusual silence fills the house, broken only by the muffled sounds of the next room. Megan listens, soon realising her brother, Nicholas, is talking on the phone, his voice alive, almost cheerful.
She moves closer to the door, straining to catch snatches of conversation. When the name Daniel surfaces, her heart beats faster. She freezes, every sense sharpened, listening intently. Nicholas is going on about a date, a café, her smile Megans chest tightens; it can only mean Daniel has a new girlfriend.
Almost on instinct, Megan springs up and tiptoes to Nicholass door. Pressing her ear to the cool wooden frame, she hungrily soaks up every word. It stings, but she desperately tries to keep away intrusive thoughts. Perhaps it isnt what I think? she wonders, panic rising.
When Nicholas finally hangs up and appears in the corridor, Megan straightens sharply as if caught out.
Does Daniel have a new girlfriend? she blurts before he can speak, her voice wavering as she struggles to sound casual.
Nicholas stops, giving her a careful, searching look before sighing heavily. His expression reads resignation rather than annoyance. Hes long noticed how his sisters eyes light up at Daniels name, how she studies his photos online, how she cant help but glow around him.
Youre at it again, Meg? he says, leaning against the door frame and rolling his eyes. Youre sixteen now, you knowyou need to get past this crush already! Its just a childhood thing.
Megans head snaps up and stubborn fire flashes in her eyes. Arms folded over her chest, her entire posture radiates fierce determination.
Never! she exclaims, shaking her head so her blonde curls bounce. You dont get it! Hell love me one day, youll see! Its not just a silly crush. Its real, I know it is.
Her voice is strong, bordering on defiant, though deep down shes trying to convince herself. She recalls Daniels fleeting glances, his rare private smiles, subtle touchesshe treasures every memory, nurturing hope with every little piece.
Nicholas just looks at her, wordless, knowing logic wont reach her now. For Megan this crush is something much bigger.
***************************
A golden shaft of sunlight streams through the curtains, bathing the room in mornings warmth. Megan bursts into the lounge like a sudden gust of wind, her face so radiant it outshines the day. Her eyes glitter, cheeks puffed with a smile stretched to brimming.
Still catching her breath after racing down the stairs, she bounds up to Nicholas, who sits calmly sipping his coffee, scrolling through his tablet.
He asked me out! she blurts, barely able to contain her joy. Her voice rings like a bell, hands balling into fists from sheer euphoria. He brought a birthday presenta beautiful keepsake box with engraved initialsand said now Im eighteen, he could finally tell me how he feels. Daniel loves me!
Shes practically hopping, running a hand through her hair at intervals, making sure she looks just right. The happiness bubbling from her is so intense it seems to transform the very air in the room.
Nicholas puts down his cup, a genuine smile brightening his face. Hes been expecting this moment, not just for Megan but for his best friend too. For months now, Daniel has found small excuses to mention Megan, to ask about her, to muse about flowers, or day trips to the countryside.
Shes wonderful, Daniel often says dreamily, so clever, so kind Just waiting for her eighteenth birthday. You dont mind, do you, if we go out together?
Nicholas always gave the same answer: If shes happy, Im happy. He trusts Daniel, knows him to be loyal, dependable. Watching his sister now, beaming in euphoria, Nicholas is finally sure she couldnt have chosen better.
Well, congratulations, Nicholas says, standing to hug Megan. Im genuinely happy for you. For both of you.
Megan hugs him back, hardly believing this isnt all a dream. At that moment, the whole world feels brighter, softer, more hopeful. Somewhere in the background, the satisfied purr of the cat, curled up on the windowsill, provides a gentle soundtrack to her happiness.
*******************
She sits in the narrow corridor of the hospital, on a rigid plastic chair. The beige-painted walls, the dim light from the grey day beyond the windowits as though everything has faded out of respect for sadness. She stares straight ahead, not at the patterned linoleum, not at the doctors bustling past, but at something far away, unreachable.
Her hands lie limp in her lap, dress rumpled and foreign, hair falling loose around her shoulders, no longer neatly tied. Shes a broken dollmotionless, all warmth and life vanished. In her mind plays a looping reel of their last moments: just yesterday she and Daniel sat together, sifting through wedding plans, debating which ribbons best matched white tulle. He laughed, teased, promised perfection Now hes gone.
It happened so quickly, so pointlessly One careless driver lost control, three cars reduced to twisted metal. No survivors. Not Daniel, nor the others, nor the driver. Barely a second, and life splintered beyond repairlike a mirror smashed with no hope of restoring their future.
The silence is cut by approaching footsteps. Nicholas rounds the corner, his face pale and eyes rimmed red. He gently crouches down beside her, wraps trembling arms around her shoulders. Though hes shaking, he refuses to fall apartfor her sake.
Megs? His voice is gentle, barely more than a whisper for fear even that will shatter her. Meg, please Talk to me.
Megan slowly turns her head. Her eyes are dry but filled with such profound hurt it makes Nicholass heart wrench. She looks not at him, but somewhere beyond.
About what? Her voice is a dull monotone, the words falling from her lips without spirit.
Nicholas swallows, searching for gentle words.
Anything at all, he says, holding her tighter as though he can bring her back that way. Just tell me how you feel. Or cry! Please, Meg. Dont keep it all locked up!
Megan slowly shakes her head. Her lips tremble, but sound and tears wont come. She studies her hands, as though wondering why they dont shake, why her body wont react the way its supposed to.
I cant, she finally says, shrugging with listless calm. There arent any tears. I dont even want to live.
Her words hang heavy in the still air, as thick as the rain clouds outside. Nicholas closes his eyes to stem his own rising panic. He knows he cant fall aparthe must stay strong, even with the ground gone from under his own feet.
After that, Megan seems to retreat from the world. Her gaze fixed, her face vacant, shoulders hunched low as though crushed by invisible weight. Nicholas tries to reach hercalls her name, touches her armbut she doesnt respond. Even the doctors, checking in, get nothing from her. She just sits, staring at nothing, as if everything else has ceased to exist.
At last, a nurse decides to give her a sedativea gentle touch on her forearm, and gradually her mind blurs. Megan feels her body grow heavy, eyelids droop, thoughts dissolving like ink in water. An uneasy sleep drapes over her, offering no rest or relief.
When she wakes, its no longer the ward, but her own bedroom once more. She can make out the familiar pattern on her curtains, the shelf stacked with books, a photograph in a frame beside the bedit all seems at once familiar and strange.
Megan turns her head and sees Nicholas, slumped on a small sofa with stubbled chin and puffy eyes, quietly talking with their mum. Mum looks worn out, eyes shadowed with worry, but determination hardening her voice.
Im really worried about her, she hears Nicholas murmur, thinking Megans still asleep. Shes always been so taken with him Whats going to happen now?
Time heals, Mum says, though even she hears the brittleness in those words. She knows her daughter lived and breathed Daniel: his laugh, his voice, their shared dreams. Without him, her world has crumbled. Well keep an eye on her, she adds firmly, as if trying to reassure them both.
Megan listens, unable to muster the strength to let them know shes awake. She feels empty, as though someones scooped out everything that made her alive. She closes her eyes and pretends to sleep, not knowing how to answer their concern or explain that the pain never leaves, only hides beneath exhaustion.
Nicholas sits beside her a while longer, then rises carefully, casting a worried glance at his mum before leaving. Mum stays by Megans side, occasionally stroking her hand as though passing her strength, the silent room filled only with the ticking clock and Megans uneven breathing.
*******************
Nine days Forty days Time drags, slow and thick, each minute sticking, unwilling to move on. Megan spends these days nestled on the bay window seat, knees drawn up beneath her chin, staring blankly at the garden.
Her gaze flickers to the old wooden bench beneath the spreading maple outside. It was there, one gentle September evening, that Daniel, visibly nervous, had finally proposed. She remembers it allhis hands trembling, the way he tripped over his words, and finally blurted it all out in a rush before she could change his mind. And she’d laughed from happiness and said yes before he finished the question.
Now the bench looks empty and discarded. The trees are bare, the garden desertedautumn has long given way to winter, but Megan barely registers it. Time stopped the moment she was told the news.
Megan, come on love, have something to eat, Mums quiet voice breaks through her thoughts.
Mum comes over and gently touches her shoulder. Her fingers are coldshe hasnt been able to warm up for days, as if winter has seeped inside as well. She watches Megan with such hopeless love and fear that her own eyes brim, yet she holds it togethershe knows she mustnt let herself break.
Im not hungry, Megan replies without turning her head. Her voice is flat, almost as though shes speaking about someone else.
You really need to, darling, Mum tries for firmness, but her voice trembles slightly. You barely ate a thing yesterday. You have to keep your strength up.
For what? Megan finally looks around, but her eyes remain hollow. I dont owe anything to anyone.
Mum freezes for a moment, wounded by the words. She opens her mouth to answer, fails to find anything, and simply sighs, shoulders drooping as she moves away from the bay window. Shes helpless.
She pauses at the door, looks back once more at her daughterstill silent, still staring out at the worldand quietly leaves. In the corridor, Nicholas is waiting. He just shakes his head, his face showing hes heard everything.
Ive spoken to Dr. Smith, Mum whispers, wrestling the hem of her jumper in her hands. We really do need some specialist help. We cant do this on our own.
Nicholas nods. Hes known it for a while, afraid to admit it aloud. Seeing his sister so lifeless, so detachedit’s unbearable. He clenches his fists, determined to act, not just feel.
Ill ring Dr. Smith now, he says, pulling out his mobile. She said shed help if things got worse.
Mum nods, eyes on Megan, still motionlessa ghostly part of the window and the moment time stood still.
When darkness finally settles and the pale moon glimmers on the floorboards, Megan at last manages to tear herself away from the window. Her legs barely support herweeks of immobility have left her weak. She moves slowly, almost dreamlike, pulls off her dressing gown and slips beneath the duvet.
Its quiet in her room, just voices from down the hallway, muffled through the walls. She closes her eyes, wishing for sleep, wishing it would come quickly and painlessly. But sleep is nothing like she wants.
She dreams of Daniel. He stands before her, just as he waswarm smile, favourite grey hoodie. But now his face is serious, almost stern.
Megan, he says, clear as day, as if really present. Take a look at yourself. What are you doing?
She tries to speak, but her voice is stuck. He steps closer.
Have you seen yourself lately? Youve not taken care of yourself at all. You cant go on like this!
She reaches for him, but her hand passes through. Hes not realjust memory, just hope.
I I cant do this without you, she whispers, tears burning her cheeks.
Yes, you can, he says, firm but kind. Youre stronger than this. You always have been. You have to keep living. Do you understand? Keep living.
He comes nearer and, just for a moment, she almost feels the warmth of his palm on her face.
Theres so much ahead for yougood days, hard ones too. Thats alright. But you mustnt stop. Ill always be near. Just look upIll be in the stars. And if youre ever struggling, just call for me. Ill come.
She tries to clutch him, but he fades, growing more and more transparent.
Dont go! she cries out, hands outreached. Please!
But hes already gone, leaving only a soft whisper:
Live, Megan. Promise me.
She jolts awake, surrounded by the familiar sights of her room, the same bed, the moons glow on the rug. Her pillow is damp from tears, and her chest is heaving with impossible emotion.
Without thinking, Megan screamsraw, desperate, ripping through the night. In seconds, her parents and Nicholas are at her side.
Megan, love, whats wrong? Mum hugs her tightly, frantically scanning her face.
Is it pain? Where does it hurt? Nicholas is searching for something to help.
But Megan sobs silently, curled into herself, broken by grief. She still sees Daniels face, loving but insistent, hears his last words.
Promise me, echoes in her mind.
Through tears and pain, she whispers:
I promise…
Her mother cradles her, rocking gently as if shes still a small child, while Nicholas stands nearby, his hand on her shoulder. No one knows what to say. They just remain with her.
Buried in Mums embrace, Megan lets herself grieve. But somewhere deep inside, a faint thought begins: if Daniel believes in her, if he asks her to liveshe has to try.
If only for him.
************************
On a gloomy evening, the family gathers in the lounge. Mum sets the tea on the coffee table, but the cups remain untouchedno one feels like drinking, or making small talk. Everyone knows a change is needed.
I think we should move, Nicholas suggests, voice steady but low, his gaze lingering on Megan. Every inch of this place is a memory for her. Every corner, every street is just a reminder.
Megan sits curled in an armchair, knees drawn tight. She doesnt argue or protest, only looks out the rain-dappled window at the blurred edge of home. Her face is pale, but her eyes have lost some of their emptiness.
Itll be easier in a new city, Mum adds, softly touching Megans hand. Different surroundings, new people Maybe you can begin to move forward.
Megan turns. Her voice is faint but no longer lifeless:
Where would we go?
Theres a job going in Oxfordmy mate from uni said I could start there, Nicholas explains. Well rent at first, then see.
Mum nods: And there are plenty of courses and collegeswhatever you need. Well get you set up, love. The main thing is that you feel better.
Megan pauses, memories flashing: Daniels laughter with her on the old bench; their walks, holding hands down the familiar street; her clutching fresh flowers at the school gate. Every place, every tree, every pavement is saturated with loss, and it stabs rather than soothes.
Alright, she finally says. Lets go.
It isnt easy to say. Theres despair and tepid hope tangled together, but the decision is hersthe first in a long time.
The weeks that follow are busy with sorting and packing. Megan takes little part, just watches her family gather boxes, clean up, dust shelves soon to be empty. Occasionally she fingers some small relica keyring from Daniel, an old photo, a cinema stub from their first datestudying it for ages before tucking it gently away.
On moving day, Megan stands on the small balcony, surveying the garden for the last time. Her chest knots with grief but this time she refuses to cave in completely. I can do this, she repeats to herself. I must.
The new cityOxfordgreets them with cloudy skies and bustling streets. The flat is roomy and bright. For a long time, Megan stands at her new window, scanning unfamiliar roofs and faces. Everything is strange, but that brings its own strange freedom. There are no ghosts herejust blank space for new stories.
The first days are hard. She wakes each morning thinking shes living someone elses life. She misses old places, old friends. Some nights, Daniel appears in her dreamssmiling, encouraging, until she wakes with tears on her cheeks.
But gradually, she notices small things: the first tulips blossoming in the park. The barista in the local café who remembers her order by her second visit and gives her a kind smile.
Tiny steps, each one a little easier. She will never forget Daniel; she knows she never will. But living on isnt a betrayalits the fulfilment of the promise she made him.
She starts a class or two, helps mum settle in, occasionally strolls new streets with Nicholas. Every day is an effort. But every day brings somethinga new momentnot a replacement for the past, but an addition to it.
And somewhere in her heart, she knows: hes watching.
Hes proud.
Because shes holding on.
Because shes living.
