And she dreamed of her John
Granny Ruth listened to the racket floating down the hall from the kitchen her granddaughter and great-granddaughter at each others throats again. Her granddaughter, forty-year-old Sarah, arguing with her own long-legged, teenage daughter, Lucy, whod just come in from a night out.
Sarah mustve whipped a tea towel at Lucy, from the sound of it. Lucy was crying, shouting back, Sarah was exasperated, accusing her of all sorts.
Honestly, was this really the time for a row? It was the middle of the night. At her age, all the fuss and shouting just seemed unnecessary and frightening. Ruth had long ago decided that most of lifes arguments were a waste of breatha kind of sin, if she were honest.
With her old age weighing on her, all she could do now was think things over and philosophise.
Oh Lord, give them peace, Ruth whispered under her breath. Just calm them down, please…
Ruth felt her time in this world might be winding down. But for some reason, she wasnt ready to go. She had no pain or fear left, just irritation at not being able to free herself from her clumsy, failing body. She still wanted to eat, to turn over in bed, sometimes sit up and look out the window.
Every night, shed ask Sarah to help her into a more upright position with the pillows, open the windows, pull back the curtains. Shed just sit and watch the dark outside, certain she could make out stars. Even now, when the row started, she was already sitting up and prepared for the night.
Sarah… Sarah… she called, hoping to distract her granddaughter, but Sarah was too fired up, too consumed with her anger at Lucy to hear.
Not long after, Lucy stormed in, flopped onto the armchair at the foot of Grannys bed, curled up, hugging her knees. She was sniffling, crying quietly.
Sarah stomped in moments later on some pretext or other, adjusted something for Granny, shot her daughter a glare.
To bed, Lucy!
Oh, leave off. Ill sleep here with Gran. Ill sort out the chair.
Lucy jumped up, fetched some bedding. Ruths room was on the other side of the house from the kitchen. Lucy was obviously making a point about her grudge, not wanting to sleep with her mum tonight.
Her brother was off at a summer camp, and Lucys dadEdwardwas away working. Edward was a soft touch, always standing up for Lucy, and now with him gone, there was no buffer between her and strict Sarah.
Look at the time, Gran! I told herhome by eleven, at the latest! Its nearly two in the morning, and shes out with that layabout, Jamie Carter. Hes a proper wrong un, you know, always in trouble with the police. Theres no talking to her. Shell never finish her A-levels at this rate, Sarah grumbled, much less harshly now, mostly to herself.
Lucy went about converting the chair into a bed, her moves snappy. Ruth just sat, propped up, not wanting to make things worse by adding her say. She picked up a hair comb, ran it through her hair, and pinned it back as though settling in for a sleepless night.
Lucy went to wash her face, dragged off her jeans and jumper, and nestled under her duvet in her vest and knickers. She was still sniffing.
Gran, it came after a while from the armchair. Doesnt the moon keep you awake?
Me? Oh, love, I dont really notice it. If it bothers you, close the curtains.
No, keep them open. Feels like the moons the only one who gets me right now.
Oh, love… Youre never quite alone. Everyone understands love, even when they say they dont. But when youre young, you make mistakes, and thats why your mum worries so much.
Shes made mistakes?
Of course she has. You should have a heart-to-heart about it someday. Maybe shell tell you.
Cant you tell me? Lucys blonde head popped up over the edge of the blanket. Maybe Ill understand why shes like this. Maybe something happened to her.
Oh, love, I barely remember anymore. Youll have to ask her yourself.
Yeah, as if shed tell me anything! Lucy huffed and buried herself back in her pillow.
Its hard to understand each other without some honesty. Ask her.
Wellits not like adults tell us everything. But… Gran, Ill be eighteen next month. I should be allowed a private life, shouldnt I? If I cant talk to Mum, who can I talk to? Anna? She already calls me an idiot these days…
Why would you be an idiot? Ruth sat up, genuinely surprised.
Oh, never mind… Lucy went quiet again.
They lapsed into a soft silence.
You know, sometimes love just hits a dead end, Lucy finally confided. It just… doesnt go anywhere anymore. And maybe you have to stop things, you know? You set a boundary, say no further, and then he pulls away. You get it?
Ruth tried to furrow her brow, trying to keep up with the conversation, but her mind just didn’t work like it used to. She didnt really follow what Lucy was going on about, so she replied simply:
Love is love, Lucy. Theres pain, joy, all sorts. But a dead end? If its a dead end, is it really love? Never heard of love hitting a dead end.
Shed been an educated woman, Granny Ruth, a nurse since the war, ever since she was a girl at the Red Cross hospital. Thats where she grew up, the sort of schooling you cant get from any degree. And then she got her proper training, and worked as a nurse her whole life.
It does happen, Gran.
So they lay there, generations apart, each not quite understanding the other. Lucy thought her gran was ancient and proper, with no idea about the wild feelings running through Jamieor in her. And Ruth just thought Lucy was a child, still talking nonsense about feelings she didnt understand.
But neither could sleep. Lucy shifted, sighed.
Looking out at the sky, are you? Granny asked, for she couldnt see her great-granddaughter well from her low armchair. You know, your great-granddad used to say, if you look long enough at one star, youll feel like someones watching you back from up there, almost answering.
Did you love him, Gran? drifted from the chair.
Who? John? Oh… Of course, it was all sorts over the years. But, yes, I still miss him. Didnt even realise how much I loved him till after hed gone.
Oh! Lucy lifted her head over the armchair, And you married him young, didnt you? Sixteen. So it was fine for you then, but Im not old enough at eighteen? Lucy said with a bit of a pout, sinking back onto her pillow.
Timing was different back then, Lucy.
Its never about timing, Lucy cut in. Loves always the same!
Ruth didnt argue. Who understands love? Maybe Lucy was right. But it felt like back then they cared about different things. Boys were seen as protectors for life, not just for fun. Is it the same now?
Gran… Lucy popped her head up again. He was fifteen years older than you, wasnt he? And you were… well, just a kid. No wonder he fancied you. Thats all it was, then. Just wanted a younger woman!
Ruth said nothing, and Lucy sat quietly too, but she felt awkward for saying it.
Gran… do you reckon Im just a fool? Go on, tell me a story or something. Were both up anyway. Tell me everythingtruth now! Ill make your pillows higher for you.
Lucy threw off her blanket, her pale legs flashed in the moonlight as she adjusted Ruths pillows and perched, ready to listen.
Im not sure its much of a story, Ruth began, moving her lips thoughtfully. Just pain, really. We met in the hospital, late 43, and the wards were full of soldiers. Bandages, blood, operations. I was more like a skinny lad than a girlhad to keep my hair cropped because of the lice. The uniforms, the army gearthey never saw me as a girl. Theyd yell Oi, mate! I reeked of carbolic and spirits from scrubbing wounds. The streets were just lines of soldiers, horses, vehicleslike a river rolling west. Us? We picked up the ones that got caught in the mess.
Truth is, boys died in my arms every day. Wed do what we could, but they never saw home again. I remember one boysixteen, like me, a young scout. No one expected him to live, but he hung on. I got attached. And at the end he looked up at me with those desperate eyeslike he was hanging on by a thread. I broke down, knelt by his bed, covered his face with kisses, crying, I wont let you go. Dont you dare die! But he did go. I saw the cold come over his eyes and I slid to the floor in tears. First time that happened to me, I thought I was tough, but… Well, the tears just kept coming, something in me snapped.
And then someone sat beside me, arms around me, stroking my head. Let it out, nurse. Youve carried too much for someone your age. Us lot can bear a lot, but youre still just a child.
It was John. He was a patient, too, then. I bawled into his shoulder. Dr. Andrews burst in later, had a go at me for making a scene, but then he and John stood outside, smoking and chatting quietly. That was your great-granddad, John.
Did he fall for you then, Gran?
Well, maybe. He was kept back, wounded, to help rebuild the factories after the Luftwaffe left them in ruins. Used to come by the wardhis leg was still bad, and hed bring me a treat or two. Once, I found an apple in my pocket. I didnt think of him as a suitornot then. He was unshaven, limping, over thirty. Seemed ancient to me.
But by the time they closed the hospital down, hed become almost family. He knew I wanted to get qualified as a nurse. One day, he turned up all spruced up, brought Dr. Andrews with him, too. The doctor cared about meknew I was alone, Mum died before the war, Gran didnt make it through, Dad and my eldest brother were killed. He asked what Id do next. I just kept saying I wanted to study.
The doctor said Id need to finish school first. So I insisted I would. John cleared his throat and said, I lost my whole family in the warmy wife and daughter in the blitz. Im being sent to Liverpool, and theres a nursing college there. Marry me, Ruth. Come with me, Ill help you study. If it doesnt work out, I wont keep you. I promise, in front of the doctor.
Ruth paused, lost in the past. Lucy huddled, knees up.
So I just sat there, not knowing if I was alive or dead. He was like a dad to me, honestly, and then suddenlymarry me? But I looked at him, smart uniform, handsome, though his cheeks were sunken, and those eyes looked at me with such hope. Me! Goodness, you shouldve seen me, Lucy! Old mens pyjamas for knickers, hair sticking up everywhere under my kerchief, not a scrap of bust left, so thin, my uniforms flapped, always had to tie them up. Some bride I was…
I shrugged, too embarrassed to look up, and the doctor whispered something to him…
Dont worry, Ruth, he said gently, well only marry on paper. Youll come with me, I wont lay a finger on you.
Another pause.
And was that it? Lucy pressed, curious now.
Yes, that was it. I was seventeen, not quite sixteen. We married at the registry office and off we went, with my meagre suitcase and a new uniform. He was all nervous and attentive, like he couldnt believe it. For two years, we lived as man and wife, but more like father and daughter. Slept in separate beds, nothing between us.
Granny Ruth stopped, drawing breath.
How did you make that work? You just… carried on? What about changing clothes, and all that…?
Oh, who knows. I remember the first time I wanted to change, asking him if hed step out, and he did, red-faced and awkward. But soon I got used to him, sneaking in beside him sometimes when I was cold, telling him my news. When I got older, I felt for himhe mustve found it hard. He loved me so much, spoiled me with gifts, took pride in things like getting a car just to drive me to college. I grew proper curves, let my hair grow back, finished my studies, and youngsters started noticing me. Sometimes I felt bad being married so young, but then I realisedthere was nobody better for me than John.
Really? How could he be your man if he was like a father? Lucy objected.
Not exactlybut there was something in between. I never hid from him behind doors, thats true. Still, loved him, in my own way. We lived well, we shared everything. He got me a blue dress with little stars on itI wore it forever. I even grew a bit, hair nice and long, shape back. When I finished my education, proper young doctors were keen on me, but I was already married. Never thought Id want anyone else, though. John was my man.
Dont get it, Lucy said. You were proud to be his wife but not… Really his wife? And then?
And then? Then things got hard.
Hard, like what? Lucy prompted.
The authorities turned up in the middle of the night and arrested a bunch in our townJohn too, for some mess at work. They reckoned theyd messed with a machine on the factory floor. There was a group trial, massive ordeal… He told me, Divorce me, Ruth. Be free of it all. Im an enemy now.
Ruth trailed off, tears sliding down her cheek.
Lucy crept onto the bottom of Grans bed.
Oh, dont cry, Gran, she stroked her calf. Loads of people got done for nothing back then, didnt they?
They did, Lucy. Hardest part was the childrenhugging their mums, and the mums sent away on trains. I packed up and followed John near Sheffield, where they set up camp jobs in the woods. I settled in a nearby village, joined by other wives and families. Then they sent the men to the mines, and they needed a medicmy papers came in handy, so they took me in. Trouble was, people died often. I went straight back to nursing for my life.
There, I finally… well. I told him I didnt want to be just a wife on paper anymore. I lay down beside him one nightthere was no one else I wanted. Thats where we had Williamyour granddad. And later, your grandma Liz was born in Manchester, after John was released under an amnesty. I finished college nearly due, and young Colin came along years after, once wed settled here. Poor John, he passed too soon. Colin was only nine.
Lucy hunched at Ruths foot, chin on her knees, thinking.
I dont understand anything about life, do I? she said, quietly. You did it all backwards.
Backwards? Ruth mused. How so, love?
I mean, you two first lived together, love came after. Now everyone wants to fall in love first.
Well, what do you mean? Ruth said. Love cant be demanded. Its a gift, isnt it? You earn it or youre gifted it, no strings attached. Demanding it? Never heard of that.
Maybe were talking about different things, Gran…
Different? Ruth turned to look at Lucy, who wouldnt meet her eye, and it dawned on her. Bless hershe meant the physical side.
Oh, you mean… sleeping together?
Yes, Lucy nodded, desperate to talk to someone. These days, we talk about intimacy. Annas been saying nothing will move forward with Jamie unless I give in to his hints.
Oh, but thats not love, Lucy, no matter what you call it.
Its supposed to be the ultimate expression, isnt it? Lucy blurted.
Oh, sweetheart. Thats not the highest at all. When your great-granddad carried me to the loo after I gave birththats the highest. When your dad ran right across town when your mums factory exploded, and then collapsed himself. When Aunty Kate jumped into the river after her husband, despite not being able to swimit was him who dragged her out. Even just waiting with a pot of tea, worrying, looking after youthats what real love is.
Ruth was breathless after her speech.
Have some water, Gran, Lucy unscrewed the flask.
Ruth sipped and lay back.
But what if he says he loves me so much, he cant wait any longer? Hes hinting now that if I really loved him, I wouldnt be afraid. And Anna said, Jamies already got his eye on Natalie from Sixth Formshed have… done it by now.
And you, what do you want, really? Scared he wont marry you? Or something else?
I dont know, Gran. What if I only think I love him? What if he doesnt really love me? I want it to be foreverwith one person, just like you, like Mum and Dad.
Well, listen to your heart. No one who truly loves you would force you. Passions scary. Loves supposed to be calm and clear. I remember how much I wanted him, finally, how sure I was. No doubts at allI just went to him. He even asked if I was certain and I nodded, embarrassed but absolutely certain.
Ruth was surprised at her own franknessespecially to Lucy, still a child really.
But she stared at the night, into one patch of sky, feeling as though someone was watching back from that star, making her remember it all.
She was so tired, she didnt even realise when she nodded off. By the time she woke, Lucy was already asleep in her chair. She didnt recall the end of their chathad they finished? And what had come over her, sharing all that? Mustve been the magic of the night.
She peered over at Lucy, all curled up in her white knickers. Goodness! Serious conversations for such a little thing. Maybe it was right, maybe not. Maybe God had sent Lucy to her room that night for a reason. Who knows…
Her daughter Liz had died young from a cruel illness. Sarah, her granddaughter, was a strong, fiery sort, but loyal. Looking after Gran fell to herhouse to run, a job, two kids and an elderly grandmotherit was a lot. No wonder her nerves frayed.
Ruth slept in late the next morning.
Sarah helped her wash, brought her porridge, made sure she was comfortable.
You dont have to shout at Lucy like that, Ruth said, gently reproachful. Whats meant to be will be. Ever thought of telling her your own story?
Dont be daft! Shes only a kid. And then I see her with those boysbeer in hand, arms everywhere like shes a trophy, and she looks up at him all puppy-like… Oh, just eat, Gran, Ive got to run to Tescos.
You were just the same. Your mum told you off, didnt she? Did you ever listen?
Honestly, Gran, dont remind me. Anyway, what were you and Lucy rabbiting on about last night? I could hear you both…
Oh, just stories from my past. No idea where I found the energy.
Sarah left, and Ruth found herself thinking about Sarahs own heartbreak. Shed fallen deeply in love too, planned the big wedding, and then arrived home from college alonewell, not alone. Pregnant and in tears. Her sweetheart was nowhere to be found.
Theyd all suffered, but Ruth had said straight away, Well see you through, youll have this baby and well manage. But fate had other ideasSarah lost the baby at five months despite doing everything to keep it, even bed rest.
Sarahs kids didnt know that story. Her husband did. He was a good man, always forgiving. Kind Edward.
Later that day, Ruths old neighbour popped in and together they reminisced about old times, crying a little over tea.
Next afternoon, Sarah quietly thanked Ruth.
Gran, Im not sure what you said to Lucy, but shes broken it off with Jamie Carter at last. Thank heavens! Says hes already seeing someone else.
Good, good, Ruth fussed with her comb, three neat strokes through her hair. Shes upset, though, isnt she?
Shes not left her room all day. I havent nagged.
Tell her your story.
You really think so? Isnt it embarrassing though? I am her mum…
Nows the time. Go on, love.
Alright… Ill try.
Ruth heard the gentle murmur of their conversation drift through the house. They mustve lain side by side, having the kind of heart-to-heart that makes grown women blush to share with their daughters. The light in her room seemed extra bright and peaceful.
When the girls came out, banging pans and laughing together, Ruth fell into the deepest, sweetest sleep.
And she dreamed of Johnher John, solid and beloved, filled with steady kindness and care, as though hed stepped right down from that twinkling star.
And she ran to him across a rain-wet field, in that blue star-dotted dress, seeing every wildflower and blade of grass clearly.
She saw himstanding in his white shirt, arms open wide, strong and young and waiting for her in the middle of the field. And to be held in those arms was sweeter than anythinglike their very souls had met, softly, on their lips.
