Most Beloved
From where he sat, Dr. Thomas couldnt help but think that Maureen Smith resembled a toad large, overflowing, her throat puffing with each breath. Shed been warned time and again to get treatment, told repeatedly that this couldnt end well, but always brushed it off.
Surgery? Are you out of your mind? Ive got the allotment, the potatoes, let them rot, Ive a hundred things to do and you keep saying surgery! Let me just get caught up here and youll have me under the knife in no time. And then where will I put Elsie, eh? What am I supposed to do about her?
That was usually the cue for Elsie herself to shuffle on as if it were a play, a solid, sturdy girl with two plaits, wearing a thick woollen dress or a faded cotton one, depending on the weather, boots far too big or battered shoes already worn by someone else. Elsie would simply stand, looking down at the floor, while Maureen clapped a great paw on her shoulder.
Where am I meant to put her? Into a home? Enough of that, you lot have suggested it before! No need to invent stories and shove paperwork at me. Im not signing anything, I know nothing about these matters, so dont waste your breath. Come on, Elsie love, weve things to do. Good day, Dr. Thomas. Weve no time for you! And mind your hands, Elsie, dont touch, its not yours! Maureen would swat the curious girl who reached for the doctors little figurine on his desk, then heave herself up, gripping the table with a hand like a mound of dough pudgy, creased, crimson nails catching the light.
The table would squeak, something would creak maybe Maureens knees and then with the door slamming in her wake, the doctor would finally exhale. There was something imposing about her; everyone was a little wary of Maureen Smith.
Maureen marched through the hospital corridor with an air of authority, scanning the place as if it were her own. Elsie trailed after her like a tadpole chasing its mother, rubbing a sore hand that didnt seem to upset her at all. Indifference? Habit? A thick skin? That was Elsies secret.
Right! Maureen halted, eyebrows knitted tight, chewing her lower lip as if doubting herself, then snatched Elsies hand and whispered, Take this to Dr. Thomas and tell him Mrs. Smith sends her regards, thanks him for his help, but surgery is absolutely out of the question right now. Do you understand? Well, dont just stand there! Get a move on! Really, Gods seen fit to send me the most otherworldly granddaughter. Either darting about like shes on fire or standing dead still, as if shes staring at something only she can see.
Maureen shook her head, turned Elsie to face the corridor, and gave her a little shove.
Elsie obediently set off, headed back to the doctors office.
Knock, will you, you little scatterbrain! Maureen bellowed after her. What a girl youre growing up to be! Teach you and teach you, never any good comes of it
Grumbling, Maureen scanned for an open seat. People parted automatically, offering her space.
Once she saw Elsie had entered the office, Maureen slumped onto the plastic-covered bench. She pulled a hanky from her pocket and began dabbing at a brow glistening with beads of sweat. Her lips trembled faintly, her heart hammered in her chest, echoing dully in her temples.
But Maureen never truly disgusted anyone.
Yes, she was broad, always in billowy clothes, with column-like legs. But never unpleasant. She always smelled nice, her clothes clean and pressed, battered old shoes the only pair she owned carefully polished, though the tips were scuffed.
Problem feet, shed explain if someone eyed her shoes in the summer heat, What can I wear? Bones sticking out every which way. I was born early, you see, right poorly not a healthy patch on me. But later, I showed them all!
Maureen would shake a fist, thrust out her chin, a glint in her eye.
Sang in the choir, danced in a troupe, did everything! Eyes never quite right, and the thyroid, they say A sudden wave of self-pity would come over her, causing her to sniffle, wipe her eyes, then burst out in bluster again:
Stop trying to write me off! Rooting through my ailments as if youre fashionably ill yourself! Go to the surgery if youve nothing better to do! I havent got time to be ill, Ive got Elsie to worry about thats one! Got to get her educated thats two! And married off thats three! And you go on about surgery! Bothered about your bloody surgery!
Her silent, baffled listeners would shrink away, and Maureen would march off, victorious.
Today, she couldnt just leave she was waiting for Elsie, who wasnt returning from the doctors office.
Whats she doing in there? Elsie! Elsie, get yourself home! Her voice cut through the corridor, making the queue flinch. A cleaner, halfway through a boiled sweet, poked her head out curiously.
Quiet, please! This is a hospital! someone snapped, only to fall silent under Maureens stern glimpse.
Meanwhile, Elsie shifted nervously from foot to foot before Dr. Helen Rowe, who watched her with gentle, troubled eyes.
Thank you for your help and care, Elsie recited, handing over a box of chocolates, From Mrs. Smith. But she simply cant get treatment right now. We have to dig up the potatoes on the allotment before the neighbours pinch them. Were going tomorrow, to sort it out.
Dr. Rowe looked at the girl, dismayed. You? You should be reading books, studying, not digging potatoes! Tell me, who is Mrs. Smith to you? And would you like a chocolate? I shouldnt eat them anyway, you mustnt refuse! She offered the open box, but Elsie shook her head.
I cant. Nan would tell me off, she said simply. Well, Ill be off. Shes just my Nan, thats all.
Wait, youre Elsie, are you? Thats a lovely name. Does your Nan treat you well? She doesnt hurt you? Helen pressed, full of concern.
Nan? Well, sometimes. Elsies face clouded over with thought, as if recalling memories when her grandmother had raised a hand to her. But only if I deserve it. You see, my Nan is a very good person she just gets anxious, and then she shouts. And what I told you about her hitting me, I made it up. Write on a piece of paper what needs doing at the hospital, or anything youre new here, arent you? The last doctor, Mr. Evans, he knew how to deal with my Nan Dont be upset. Shes got a tough temper, but lifes made her that way. Elsie shook her head, businesslike. Thanks for the advice. Goodbye.
Elsie left, leaving the doctor deep in thought how does one reach someone like that? And should you? Maureen Smith was an adult, after all, capable and self-sufficient let her worry about her own health.
What took so long? You alright? Did she groan on about surgery? Maureen pounced on Elsie, grabbing her shoulder.
If Dr. Rowe had put ideas in Elsies head about putting Maureen in hospital, Elsie was relentless! Determined as a terrier poking, prodding, just like a proper little Florence Nightingale, or some professor, and Maureen herself but her Sharik potions, pills, poultices Always fussing.
She didnt say a thing about it. Just asked if you treat me well. Can we just go? Dont get yourself wound up! Nan, its time to go home youve got washing to do! Elsie shoved the note with doctors advice into her pocket, grabbed Nans bag, slung it over her shoulder, and marched on.
Treat you well, does she say? You hear that! Do I treat you well? Elsie, stop! Return my bag, you cheeky thing! Answer me, now!
She caught up with Elsie downstairs, swung her round, and demanded eye contact.
What did you tell her? Out with it.
I didnt say anything really. Leave me alone, honestly! Its always questions, questions! Nan, who cares about us, eh? Thats it, forget it! Elsie tugged open the ambulatorys heavy door. Im holding it mind the steps, would you? Shame Mr. Evans retired
Stumping down the steps, Maureen Smith glowered, her pale blue eyes hard and her tight bun trembling. She headed for the bus stop, fuming that shed have to wait half an hour for a bus just because some nurse decided she wasnt treating Elsie right.
Oh, when it comes to helping, not a soul about; but as soon as theres a chance to stick their noses in your life first in queue! Thats what theyre good at!
Maureen grumbled the entire way home. By evening, the storm had passed; she and Elsie sat arm in arm on the battered settee, singing Oh, river so swift…. Maureen cried; Elsie sighed. Her whole life, like a river, flowed by, never to return. Next to her, Elsies stream still gathering force, chattering over stones, needing guidance, needing protection but would Maureen have the strength?
Maureen tossed and turned all night, getting up for water, scowling in the darkness. She needed to get herself sorted! Shed see to it after Elsie finished her GCSEs
They set out for the allotment early, catching a train before the weekend crowd descended.
They all flock here! Elsie, move faster, you can dawdle with your husband one day, but you have to keep up with me! came the shout from the communal kitchen, loud enough for all the neighbours to hear from their beds. Thats it, Elsie, youll go without breakfast!
Maureen slammed the door.
Oh, Nan! Im ready! Was plaiting my hair, Elsie moaned from somewhere in the flat.
Its a disgrace! Not allowed a lie-in. Lost their minds, the lot of them! Not even feeding the girl! Youll regret this, Maureen Smith, mark my words! From the next room, Mrs. Ingrams head popped out, curlers bristling, eyes surveying the hallway like a hawk. Cant play both sides forever, I warned you! That room will be mine. I always get what I want. Shouting at this hour! Sunday, peoples only day off! The door slammed; Maureen only smirked.
Dogs bark, but the caravan moves on, Mrs. Ingram! But dont come sniffing around for my potatoes again. Some people just well. Wheres your Ivan now, eh? Sent away, forgot him, but I havent! And dont try to report me! Maureen flung open the neighbours door, tearing the latch off. Just you try! Youll get yours in return!
Elsie hugged herself, listening to her Nan bickering with the neighbour. It was frightening Although With Nan, nothings scary. She was unbreakable.
Ingram choked on her own fury. Get out of my room, you squatter! Ill speak to the council, new chief in charge. Hell sort it out. And keep your rotten potatoes! They sell far better at the market anyway! Toad!
Waggling her curlers, Ingram pressed against the door in her faded dressing gown. A fall, at her age, would be a broken hip, hospital, and her hope of that spare room a distant dream.
You scruffy thing, bark on! Youve already lied about Ivan. Dont know how your legs still carry you! Maureen spat on the neighbours painted door, thrust out her chin, puffed her throat. Breathing was hard but itd pass once they sat down on the train.
Elsie! Dash it all! Hurry up! she shouted, grabbing her coat.
Sitting on the rigid train seat a little later, Maureen grew anxious.
What if she really does go to the council? New staff, untouchablecould lose our room, Elsie! Asleep, are you? Well, wake up! Your fates being decided, and youre she gave the girls knee a slap.
Elsie, half-dozing and warm, roused and glanced outside. The fields seemed to race away toward the city, back to dreadful Mrs. Ingram. A thick, milky mist hung over the land, sunlight struggling through the morning gloom, the River Colne glinting under a bridge. A shaggy dog barked at a slow-moving cow, which barely flicked its tail, gazing into the rising sun.
You feel alright? Maureen frowned, pressing a hand to Elsies forehead, rough but warm and smelling of bread and roast potatoes.
Why did her Nans hands always smell that way? Elsie didnt know, but the scent was comfort, and she always sighed when she caught it.
Not ill. Im fine. Oh, youre checking if Im hungry? Maureen guessed, narrowing her eyes. Well, of course! When it comes to sleeping, youre the first, but ask you to make sandwiches, nowhere to be found! Alright, hang on.
Maureen stood, knocking knees with fellow passengers, rummaged in her string bag and fished out sandwiches wrapped in paper.
Here. Eat. Didnt bring milk. Mrs. Ingrams driven all common sense out of me. Let her go complaining! I know her tricks. Nan huffed again, but Elsie nodded, tucking in.
Crikey, shes eating with real gusto! Maureen commented to a nearby lady. Growing body, needs fuel eat up, Elsie! Bulk up that neck. Ill just catch forty winks…
Now it was Maureen who slumped onto Elsies shoulder, shuffled until comfortable, and was out like a light, snoring gently. Elsie finished her sandwich, curled beside her Nan, and soon drifted off herself. And all behind closed eyelids, everything slipped backward back to the neighbour, Mrs. Ingram, blot of sun. Then it was just thick, white cream. Sleep claimed Elsie too.
Maureen dreamt of a grand office red carpets, heavy velvet drapes, a central oak table, all walnut chairs gleaming. On those chairs, people sat passing judgment on Elsies fate. Elsie, tiny at only five, hid behind Maureen, afraid to breathe. Maureen felt the sweat-slick hand in hers.
Dont cry, dont be scared! Maureen muttered over her shoulder, then, crossing herself silently, looked up at the panel. This committee would decide did she, Maureen Smith, an orphan and a widow, have any right to adopt her neighbours granddaughter, Elsie, whose mother had vanished and been gone a year? Maureen gazed at them pleadingly, ready to beg on her knees. They hesitated.
Youre not a blood relative. Thats the issue. By law droned the chairman.
But what about the heart? Isnt it better for the child to stay? Her whole life is here. Ill take care of her, I promise! Maureen interrupted, beggaring herself as she told them how Elsie loved her stew, her scones, how content they were together.
Caregivings for dogs, not children! Paperwork, permissions sorry, no! The chairman slammed his palm to the table as if crushing a fly. Youre pushing us to break the law, and I wont end up in court for this!
Maureen cried; Elsie squeaked
No one went to court. Maureen found her arguments, scraped together funds, got the temporary guardianship papers. It was their little win.
Maureen woke exhausted as the train neared Chesham.
What a crop! What a crop! Maureen exulted as if they still lived in lean times, as if a whole orphanage awaited the fields bounty. Then, they never knew if theyd return to a harvest or empty beds. When it was good, the carers would hand out forks and let the children dig in silence, treating each potato as a treasure
Maureen shook herself. No time for memories. Work to do.
Elsie! Not like that, youll stab them all! Give it here, Ill do it, you clear the stalks.
Look, Maureens set her charity case to work again! the neighbours chatted.
Shes working for herself. Best get used to it the whole of lifes hard graft, someone replied.
Sharp one, Maureen. Pulled off a right coup, adopting her and all. An old man chuckled from atop a crate. Maybe I should get myself a granddaughter, eh, Martha? Want to join my family? He winked at the next-plot neighbour.
Bother you, Arthur! Maureenll regret it, just wait. The youngsters these days are outlandish, up to God-knows-what. Mark my words, shell suffer for it. Martha stabbed her fork into the dirt, peeled off her gloves, wiped her brow.
The sun was climbing, dew sparkling, the mist retreating down towards the river.
Maureen expertly turned over earth, knocking the mud off plump potatoes, stacking them in sacks.
So, whats the count? Elsie, how many bags? These two for us, that one to Ingram for silence, these two well sell. Sit down, Elsie, did you hear me? Look at your boots, caked in mud, youll clean them yourself, you hear?! What a handful, this girl sent to try me!
But Elsie was chasing grasshoppers, which bounced and blundered around her feet, colliding in the air, ending up on their backs, staring at her with tiny dotted eyes.
Catch them for supper, why dont you! Maureen moaned, her back throbbing so much she could barely straighten, hot and thirsty, counting on luck for a lift to the train station. One sack today, the rest little by little. So long as her vision didnt go black again
Elsie! Help me, my arms giving in! Why so awkward, honestly, like a block of wood sit, wedge the bag between your knees. There, you tore it! Honestly, what are you, all thumbs?! Maureen cursed as they found seats on the train.
Passengers eyed the toad-like woman with distaste, Elsie with pity.
Shouting at her, unspeakable! Making a girl haul a sack of potatoes, might as well load her with cabbages too! one woman muttered to her friend.
Imagine living with that, shed call you anything. Poor child! the other agreed. Some people really are dreadful you can just tell the kids downtrodden. Probably hits her too, wouldnt be surprised
The women exchanged looks, arching eyebrows.
Elsie, sleepy and unbothered, slumped on the bench, the sack at her feet as instructed, waiting until Maureen squeezed in beside her, then promptly collapsed on her Nans shoulder.
Tired out? Well, have a nap, then. Youll need to drag it home too, I cant manage, Maureen mumbled, stretching her swollen feet and closing her eyes.
Three stations later, she took a turn for the worse. She began to wheeze, sliding down the bench.
Nan! Whats wrong?! Elsie straightened, shook the older womans hand, but her eyes stayed closed
And you are? Do you have any legal papers for her? a young doctor asked Elsie for the third time, pulling off his mask, drumming a pen on his clipboard.
Shes my Nan. Whats wrong with her? Papers? Theyre at home… I dont know
Thats not good! the doctor declared.
Dr. Finch, are you grilling her? What’s your name, Elsie? Fancy a cuppa? Ive some cake too, eh? asked the nurse kindly, seeing Elsie twisting the empty sack in her hands.
No thanks. I need to take the potatoes to Mrs. Ingram, or shell report us. Do you understand? Please, could we go? Please just give Nan an injection and well be off. She cant stand hospitals, she really cant. Please? Elsie got up, glancing around anxiously.
I cant let you go. Nan will have to stay heart problem. Who could collect you? Dr. Finch suppressed a yawn.
How long? How long will she have to stay? Elsie insisted.
A week. Shes got heart trouble its serious. Right, Dr. Finch? the nurse nodded. And I’m called Anna. Your Nans resting. Come, Ill get you some food.
Elsie paused.
Alright then. But Ive no money. Ill pay you back later, okay? she mumbled.
Nonsense! Feeding children for free, thats me. Now, come along!
Anna led the way, the battered old door scraping the linoleum. Elsie followed, sighing. They were really in a mess now first the papers, then the questions…
Elsie spent the night in the nurses office, had porridge next morning, courtesy of Anna.
Your Nans awake causing a fuss, asking where the potatoes are. You should pop in Anna suggested, watching the girl tuck into a second cheese sandwich.
I will, thanks. Ill wash my plate up afterwards. What ward?
Ten, Elsie. Just dont mind her harshness, its the illness… Anna felt sorry for her.
Where have you been? You left me here! Maureen bellowed the moment Elsie appeared. Where are the potatoes? And do your coat up, dont flash your chest! For goodness sake! Elsie, ruin the harvest and Ill tan you. Wewe Suddenly aware of the judgemental eyes in the ward, Maureen beckoned Elsie closer. We need to give Ingram some, else shell kick up a fuss. You understand, dont you? Now, tell me where you put the potatoes! Useless child!
Shes lost her mind, shouting at a girl like that! Child labour is one thing, but this is too much someone ought to report you, Mrs. Smith! Poor mite, flinching at every word, voices erupted around them. Get the head doctor! Now!
He’s not here, off at the council trying to get repairs for us, chimed the cleaner, scrubbing the floors.
Shame, but well wait and tell him everything! the young woman at the window said firmly.
Nan, are you hungry? You need to eat Elsie whispered. Maureen nodded.
What are you doing? Let me do it! Wipe that, its all down my chin! Elsie, youd make a useless nurse. Stop, I havent swallowed yet! What is this, porridge or gruel? Maureen complained about every movement, every breath, never comfortable in the narrow hospital bed.
Oh for goodness sake! she finally shrieked when Elsie spilled a bit of tea on the duvet. Go! Fed me, thanks. Now find those potatoes! Hopeless!
Elsie took the plate and went to wash it.
Toad! Wretched, horrible toad! How do such people exist? Anna muttered behind Elsie. Poor girl suffering this forever How was she allowed to live with such a Nan? And where are the parents? Listen, dont cry. Ignore her. Well stand up for you as soon as shes better well save you, promise! Anna rambled, watching Elsie rinse Nans dishes.
Suddenly Elsies tired and hunched frame straightened. She put her hands on her hips, turned and gave Anna a direct, adult look.
My Nan is the only family I have. Shes my only real person, you understand? Dont you ever speak badly of her! You dont know anything, so dont judge. Thats not right!
Well! And whats so fine about her? Forcing you to lug potatoes about, talking down to you like the Queen herself? Anna folded her arms. Family, you say
Elsie gave a crooked smile. Nans only afraid of seeming weak if shes not strong, theyll put me in care. Im not hers, not by blood. Dads gone, and as for Mum she left when I was five.
What do you mean, left?
Just packed her bags and went. Didnt want to spend money on me. They tried to put me in a childrens home, but Nan fought for me. I dont know how sold her jewellery, wore out her shoes walking the streets, but she got me back. Kept our little room, otherwise Ingram wouldve had it for her lot. So now we give her food, groceries, potatoes, whatever we can grow or buy. Elsie nudged the sack with her foot. That keeps Ingram quiet. I dont care how Nan speaks to me. She raised me like a granddaughter, did anything to buy me clothes and good food. Yes, shes rough people dislike that. But its just because shes tired. And she was raised in care herself You dont know how good she is. I love her. At seven I started school, thought Mum would come back if I got perfect grades; waited for her at Christmas. Nan made my Snow Maiden coat, found white boots I waited, Mum never came, and Nan cried all night with me. I dont know why she left, why I was abandoned, but if Nan If If something happens to her, I couldnt bear it. I couldnt go on without her. And shes not a toad! Shes the very best person there is! So dont you say otherwise!
Her voice cracked. She shut her eyes, hugged herself. Nan always scolded her for crying over trifles, but sometimes, tears were impossible to stop
Anna mumbled an apology, sniffling herself.
Strange Elsie just a child, but with the mind and forgiveness of an adult. Able to forgive small things, for the sake of something greater, something bright inside her
Maureen was discharged after five days. Dr. Finch himself gave them a lift, loaded the potatoes into the boot, Anna thrust warm scones into Elsies hands, blushing.
You dont have to really! Elsie protested, glancing anxiously at her pale, spent Nan.
Its alright. Give her the tea, feed her, let her rest. Anna waved off the thanks, slipped a slip of paper into Elsies hand. Heres my number if you need anything call, Ill come. Mrs. Smith! Anna called after them. Get well. And Thank you for Elsie. Youre an extraordinary soul.
Maureen peered at Elsie crossly, pursed her lips. Spilled the beans, did you? Why not broadcast it on the radio? Always making me blush what did you say to get a private lift, eh? You talked too much, Elsie, you really do, and
But then, unexpectedly, Maureen shuffled over, pulled Anna into a hug.
Its nothing, truly! Whats so special about taking in a girl? Hope I can get her grown before I go
Letting Anna go, Maureen clambered into the car, closed her eyes. Her mind already raced with thoughts of the sacks left in the shed, what Mrs. Ingram might be plotting, what to cook Elsie tomorrow, whether to buy her those skates a neighbour was selling for £3 white, figure skates, just like those on the telly.
Nan, are you feeling ill? Elsie asked, worried, stroking her shoulder.
Nan never stayed quiet so long; she was always either grumbling or thinking aloud.
Oh, what a nuisance you are! Made me lose my train of thought! What was I thinking about, what was it? Maureen fidgeted, then sighed. Elsie, Elsie she said, kissing the girls forehead. Its alright, love, just daydreaming. Why are you crying now?! Youve soaked my cardigan! Stop it, Elsie stop at once! Youre impossible, you know that? Utterly impossible my favourite girl in the world. God knows how I ended up with you
She kept grumbling on, but Elsie, seeing her Nan acting like herself again, settled down. As long as they were together, nothing was frightening, and only good things lay ahead. The scones in the paper bag smelt of strawberries; fields and allotments slid past the window, eyelids heavy
Elsie snuggled into Nan, closed her eyes, and let out a sigh. Maureen smiled. It was good to be loved, to be needed to be someones only one. She was glad shed fought for Elsie, secured the papers, never gave in! Plenty of struggles lay ahead, but for Elsies sake, she would fight them all. Who cared about her health, after all! Though she probably ought to visit Dr. Rowe in the health centre just in caseThomas, someday soon. For now, though, there were scones and sunlight, and a hand to hold on the long ride home.
The bus hummed as it turned onto their street, carrying them past neat rows of houses and fluttering laundry lines. As Elsie helped her Nan off at their stop, the fresh breeze tugged at her plaits. Maureen leaned a little heavier on her, but her chin was lifted, eyes sharp and alert. Mrs. Ingram peered out her window, lips pursed, but said nothing as they passedtoday, she wasnt worth a quarrel.
Up in their attic room, the potatoes were stacked neatly, safe in their sacks. Elsie sat at the table and polished her boots. Maureen fussed over a battered cookery book, lips pursed in thought, then set about making tea.
The sun angled in through the window, making a patch of gold on the faded carpet. As steam curled from chipped mugs, Maureen reached over and clasped Elsies hand, her grip firm but gentle.
“You know, love,” she said softly, “in the end, theres nothing more important than fighting for your ownwhich you are, and always will be.” Her voice trembled only a little, full of grit and gentle pride.
Elsie blinked away tears and smiled, the heaviness in her chest replaced by something light and bright.
They drank their tea, watched the sparrows bickering in the gutter, and planned tomorrows work. There would always be potatoes to dig, neighbours to outwit, a small world to defend with kitchen spoons and stubborn hearts.
And as the light faded, Maureen hummed an old song, her voice rumbling low, and Elsie joined in, sweet and uncertain and true.
Outside, dusk settled gently over the citybut inside, where love had been hard-won, the little attic was the warmest, safest place in all the world.
