So, listen, Alice was warned plenty of times: Hes a hard man, best steer clear of him. But she came up with a clever little plan of her own.
James, now, hes forty and has never been married. Back in the day, mind you, all the women were after him. Anyone would have thought he was quite the catchtall, handsome, well-off. These days, though, the only thing left from all that is his money. Hes lost his youthful looks, his hairlines not what it used to be, and his belly seems to grow by the week. He knew it, too, which is why, for the first time in his life, he started to really consider settling down. Still, he doubted hed find the right wife, seeing as his personality was a bit much: rude, strict, hardly the easiest man around. Everyone who met him heard the same tale, so women always got warned to keep their distance. He started to realise his chances were slim. He told his friends about his worries, and they chipped in some advicewhich, funnily enough, ended up with him getting married just a few months later.
The day after the wedding, James decided it was time to lay down some house rules for Alice.
Youll live in my flat, and you ought to consider it a privilege, he said. Theres to be tidiness in every single corner. Understand?
Alice arched an eyebrow, giving him a sweet smile. I just want to make sure I understand you clearly, she said.
James continued, almost smiling himself, Let me be clear: this happiness of yours could be gone in a minute. Im very particular, and youll need to get used to it. Oh, and towels always need to be dry and put backneatness is the main thing.
She nodded and kept listening, polite as you please. Then they went into the kitchen, where James explained his rules in painful detail. Alice just smiled and asked, And what time will you be home every night?
Why do you want to know that? he shot back.
To be ready with dinner, she replied, with another gentle smile.
He shrugged. Youll not know when Im back, but dinner must always be on time. And if I dont like what youve made well, sorry, but its straight to the bin, and therell be consequences.
I hear you, love, Alice answered, not letting that smile slip. That smile played on Jamess mind all day.
That evening, instead of going home, James popped into a restaurant and enjoyed a cracking good meal, wanting to test his new wife. His scheme was not to touch whatever shed cooked, to insist it was awful, and to keep this up for a whole week.
So he got home. Silence. Anyone home? Im back, he called.
Thats you then, came Alices voice, nonchalant, from the living room. I was watching telly and nodded off.
Is dinner ready? he asked.
Dinner? Oh, yes, dinner! Lets have a look.
James was preparing his little speech when Alice gestured him to sit and placed a cold, bland bowl of porridge in front of him. Well, dig in! Its cold and tasteless, and if you dont eat every bit, thats on you. Ill be off and youll never see me againor if you do, Ill be with someone else. Nearly forgot, I know you went to a restaurant tonight. Must be rough, eating this on a full belly.
James was flabbergasted.
Wondering why Im so sharp? Heres the deal: youll get this side of me every time you think you can get away with not answering my questions. Now, finish your porridge, every last bitethe sooner you start, the sooner youre done!
Alice had had fair warning about Jamess so-called quirks. But instead of running from him, she dug her heels in.
She used to say, Men arent born sweet and loving; you just have to manage them right. And you know what? She nailed it. James cleared his whole bowl in no time. Finally, he thought, Ive found the one Ive always needed. Shes exactly who Ive been looking for my entire life.From that night on, their marriage thrummed with a different energya dance of wits, stubbornness, and, strange as it may seem, laughter. James tried to impose new rules, only to find Alice had invented cleverer ones of her own. When he barked unreasonable orders, she answered with sly jokes or a twinkle in her eye. Bit by bit, the lines of command blurred; the flat, once so rigid and silent, echoed with voices and footsteps and the clatter of two lives tumbling together.
Sometimes they bickered. Sometimes they compromised. Sometimes they both stubbornly dug in their heels and stormed off in a huff, only to end up laughing at themselves hours later over tea. James found, almost by accident, that he liked the challenge and chaos Alice brought; it made the world less lonely, less predictable. Even when she teased him mercilessly about his towels or fed him cold porridge for a joke, he felt a glow inside, the kind hed thought was for other people.
As the weeks wore on, neighbors noticed that James, the notorious hard man, now whistled in hallways, carrying groceries up the stairs two at a time. Alice was seen in the shops, chin up and eyes sparkling, and when someone asked her how she managed, she just grinned: Oh, hes not so bad, once you teach him the recipe for a happy household.
And so, the flat became their little kingdomnot ruled by iron or fear, but by two clever hearts who had finally outsmarted loneliness. No one who met them ever doubted: in her own precise way, Alice had won. And James, for the first time in his life, felt like he had, too.
