I handed the child over because Id had enough.
Evelyn sat like a queen on her sturdy old sofa, a faded throw with embroidered cockerels draped over it, slowly riffling through a fan of documents set out on the polished coffee table. Across from her, in an armchair, her daughter Rebecca perched with none of the uncertainty that had plagued her just a month ago. She lounged carelessly, one leg crossed over the other, her eyes alive with resolve.
So. It looks as though youve made your mind up, Evelyn remarked, her voice more statement than question. She smoothed her hand over the papers: birth certificate, doctors notes, some early years school record she had herself paid for half a year ago.
Mum, dont start, Rebecca replied. Simon and I have thought it through. We cant grow when were always tripping over someone else. Daniel is a lovely boy, but he needs attention, he makes noise, he well, he just doesnt fit into our rhythm. Simons an artist, he needs quiet, he needs his space, but with Daniel its constantly Mummy, Im thirsty, Mummy, look at me.
An artist, is he, Evelyn repeated acidly. Years of effort, raising a child alone after her husband left, juggling work and home, welled up in those words. And youdoes that mean youre not a mother, then? What are you saying? A child isnt a puppy you can hand off when youre fed up. Hes your flesh and blood. Three years old, Rebecca. Just three.
Exactlythree! Rebecca leaned forward, passion in her voice. At three, hell adapt much more easily than at seven or ten. His little minds flexible. Hell settle in just fine. Its the best for everyone: meIll finally have a life. For youyou always wanted to be more involved and I never let you. For Simonat last well feel like a real couple, not not burdened.
Evelyn looked at her daughter and saw a stranger. She remembered when little Rebecca would clutch her skirt, afraid of the teenagers in the estates courtyard. She remembered saying no to dates, no one to leave Rebecca with. And now, thirty years on, that same daughter described her own son as baggage.
So what do you imagine will happen? Do you think Im immortal? Im nearing retirement, my blood pressures shot, I thought maybe finally I could enjoy some peace and quiet
Enjoy what, exactly? Rebecca cut in, her eyes sharp, calculating. Youve always said family comes first. That we help each other. WellIm asking for help. Im not tossing him into the street, Im leaving him with his gran, with his toys, in a familiar place. Simon and I will bring groceries, give you money. We have plans for the next six months: a trip to the coast, Simons got an exhibition, weve rented a studio in the city. Dont you see? This is our chance. Our only chance. Ive paid my dues with Daniels dadI deserve a bit of happiness.
Happiness. Evelyns laugh was bitter as she stroked the cockerel on the throw. And Daniel? Does his happiness not matter?
Hell be happy with you! Rebecca announced brightly, as if discussing tomorrows forecast. You spoil him, let him do everything I wont. You always said I was too strict. Now youll have him all to yourselfraise a little genius, if you like. Ill be happy with Simon. Its not forever, Mumjust three or four years. Until he starts school. Then well decide.
Three or four years, repeated Evelyn, syllable by syllable, tasting the bitterness. You want me to raise your son for yearswhile you play muse for your artist?
Not playbe, Rebecca shot back, standing up suddenly, her cheeks flush. Youve never understood me! So important to you: ring on your finger, husband, child, mortgage. I want love. All-consuming love! With Simon, I feel Im alive. Hes awakened things in me I never imagined. And Daniel Daniels a heavy reminder, dragging me down. I dont want to drown, Mum. I want to breathe.
Rebecca paced, her words thudding against Evelyns temples. The woman in front of her, sharp, immaculate nails, perfect hair, was not the girl whod arrived three years ago with a tiny bundle and whispered, Mum, hes left meI cant do this alone. In those days Evelyn was up all hours, bottle feeding Daniel when Rebecca had no milk, giving away her savings for prams and baby clothes. Now that daughter stamped her foot and talked of baggage.
And the paperwork? Evelyn asked quietly, her voice the last line of defence. You want me to do everything for himthe doctors, nursery, signing forms? You want me responsible while you two enjoy life?
Of course, Rebecca said, as if it were obvious. Well go to a solicitor, give you full authoritymedical, educational, everything. Youre his nan, there wont be any trouble. And Simon and I need calm. Total calm. No phone calls, no worries, no guilt.
Evelyn looked out of the window. On the playground she saw a man pushing his little girl on a swing, her laughter ringing out. She wanted to throw her daughter out, shut her up, but she couldnt. Because who else? If not her, then who? If she refused, Danielthree, chubby-cheeked, flaxen-hairedwould be stuck with parents who saw him as a nuisance.
And if I say no? she asked. If I say: no, Rebecca, hes your son, you brought him into this world, you raise him.
Rebecca stopped dead, turned slowly to her mother. In her eyes, Evelyn saw something that broke her: not anger or hurt, but relief.
Well then, said Rebecca, cold as steel, Ill have to go through the authorities. Ill sign him over, say I cant cope, that I havent the resources. Hell end up in care. Or maybe with a foster family. Either way, you wont need to be involved. The choice is yours.
Evelyn went pale, her face almost matching the silver in her hair. She looked at her daughter and saw a stranger, someone hard and utterly alien. She knew her daughter wasnt bluffing. There was a determination there that smashed every moral barrier in its path.
You Youd really do that? Evelyn whispered, still hoping for a miracle. Youd send your son awayfor a man?
Not just a man. The man I love, Rebecca corrected, her irritation showing. And it wouldnt be an orphanageits a state institution. Hell be cared for, educated, probably better than I could. But I do hope youll be reasonable. You love Daniel. You always did, more than me. Now prove it.
Evelyn nodded once. She gave in. Not because she was weak, but because if she didnt take the boy, hed be lost. The woman she had raised no longer had a heart; it had shrivelled, replaced by self-absorption and an artists hunger.
Fine, she managed. Fine, Rebecca. Ill do it. But remember my words. Youre building your happiness on bonesyour own childs bones. And one day, itll come back to you. You wont find your joy, Rebecca. Life doesnt work that way.
Rebeccas face twisted with momentary pain, but she regained her poise, features smoothing out once more.
Thats your opinion, Mum. Outdated, old-fashioned. A woman is entitled to happiness, and sometimes that means changing her obligations. Lets not drag it out.
She swept up the papers, slipped them into her Italian leather handbagbought by Simonand headed for the door as she tidied her straightened hair before the mirror.
Ten oclock at the solicitors tomorrow, she said over her shoulder. Ill bring Daniels things at lunchtime. Make space in the wardrobe. And please, Mum, dont look at me like that.
The door slammed. Evelyn was left alone in a room that still carried her daughters perfume. She traced the embroidered cockerels and only then did the tears finally come.
In Simons flathis and Rebeccas new studiohung the thick smell of oil paint, turpentine, and expensive tobacco. Blank canvases covered the walls. In the corner stood an easel with a half-finished painting Simon called Liberation. If you looked closely, it was of a woman breaking her bonds, unmistakably Rebecca.
Well? Simon asked, checking his palette as Rebecca breezed in, kicking off her heels onto the paint-stained floor. Did you break through?
I did, she smirked, winding her arms around his neck. Told you. She wouldnt leave the boy.
Simon set his brush aside and turned. In his keen gaze, she saw only approval.
Youre ruthless, Rebecca, he purred, his voice smooth and delicious. I admire that. A strong woman who knows what she wants, who doesnt mess about.
Why should I mess about? she leaned in. I want you, I want us free. You always said you needed a muse with no ties. WellIm your muse now. No more screaming, no more Mummy, I need a wee, no more supermarket tantrums. Just me, you, and our art.
Our art, Simon echoed slyly, and Rebecca mistook it for praise. But are you ready to be a real muse? A muse makes sacrifices, you know. Not just othersbut herself.
Ill do anything, she breathed. Ive already made the greatest sacrifice a woman can. I gave up my childfor us, for you, for love.
Good, Simon said, gently pushing her away as he gazed out at the city lights. Now we have space. We can breathe. This will be my most inspired period. Youre at the centre of it.
Standing barefoot, euphoria flooded Rebecca as she gazed at his tall frame and clever hands, hands she believed would become famous. Daniel didnt cross her mind. Hell be fine with my mum, she told herself. I deserve this. I deserve a taste of happiness.
That evening, while Simon retreated to his private studioher entry off-limitsRebecca sat on their new designer sofa, scrolling through her phone. On her profile, she set a new photo: herself and Simon standing before one of his paintings. Caption: Real life starts when youre not afraid to be happy. Likes and hearts rained in. Friends wrote gushing comments. No one asked about Daniel. He might as well have never existed. Feeling lighter, she resolved to delete all his photos from her phone tomorrow. No point in old reminders. A clean page. A fresh start.
A month went by in a flash, full of bright outings that Rebecca devoured. Lovely dinners at restaurants where the waiters greeted them by name. Drives out to the countryside in Simons shiny Audimy pride and joy, he called itwandering through woods while Simon described the colour of autumn leaves in a way that made her dizzy. He wrote poems for her, scribbled on napkins she kept tucked in her bag and read over and again.
Their trip to the solicitor was routine, even anticlimactic. Evelyn sat stiff, expression unreadable, only her hands trembling in her lap. Rebecca ignored her, eyes pinned on Simon, waiting in the corridor leafing through an art magazine. The papers were signed. Evelyn now had full authority for Daniel. Rebecca felt no regret; only release, as if three years of burden fell away in an instant.
Afterwards, Rebecca strode to Simon, gripped his arm and declared, Thats it. Im yours now. All in, no strings.
No strings? Dangerous business, Simon smirked, holding the car door open with that trademark cocky grin shed once found irresistible.
Danger makes life interesting, she retorted, settling into the leather seat.
Evelyn emerged from the solicitors with Daniels little hand in hers. He wore a smart new blue duffel coat, eyes following the car as it drove off, then looked up at his gran and piped:
Granny, has Mummy gone? Will she be back soon?
Evelyn crouched by his side, a wobbly smile on her lips and a lump in her throat.
Mummy has some work to do, Danny, she answered, her voice unsteady. Shell visit. For now, youre staying with me. Shall we build the biggest garage ever for your cars? What do you think?
For my cars? Daniels big blue eyes lit up. Granny, do you have Lego?
There will be Lego, Danny. Just for you, Evelyn promised, getting up and squeezing his tiny hand. Anything you like.
She led him down the golden-leafed street, every scrape underfoot sounding like an accusation. She walked, thinking of how Rebecca didnt even glance back. Didnt wave, didnt say goodbye. Just closed the chapter.
Back in the city, Simon was pouring red wine in the studio. Rebecca curled up on the sofa, feeling as though shed just won the lottery.
To our freedom, Simon toasted, raising his glass, the desk lamp shining through the crystal.
To our love, Rebecca corrected, clinking her glass. Freedom without love is just empty.
Wise woman. He took a sip. You know, I think we should escapego somewhere sunny for a month. How about it? You rest, I paint, you by my side. Absolute beauty.
Really? A month away? Rebeccas face lit up, childlike. Youre serious? Butwhat about your work?
Works always here, he shrugged. But I need inspirationnew sights. This city and its routines stifle me. We need space. Clean, open space. Will you come?
With youanywhere, Rebecca whispered, joy pounding in her chest. Even to the ends of the earth.
She didnt ask after Daniel. Didn’t wonder how her mum would cope on her own. It never crossed her mind to call or check if Evelyn needed money for that Lego. In her new worldthe world where she was muse and loverthere was no place for reminders, no room for Daniel. She erased him from memory as surely as she deleted his photos from her phone.
*****
A year passed.
Rebecca and Simon lived in a whirlwind, at first a never-ending party, but soon the shine dulled. Their four-week break at the seaside stretched to three monthsnot for nostalgia, but because Simon ran out of money and Rebecca, jobless since the big move, had no savings. Simons ground-breaking canvases gathered dust in galleries, and one art dealer, when Rebecca tried to offer them, told her honestly, Sweetheart, its all very heartfelt, but personal isnt always marketable. Your friend is talented, but he needs more craft, less drama.
Rebecca kept the comment to herself. She took to quietly selling her thingsbags, trinkets, presents from Simonto pay the bills. Simon either didnt notice or pretended not to, diving into creative crises and wild work jags, swigging coffee and snapping at her over every trifle.
You just dont get it! he yelled one evening, flinging a paintbrush that splattered black across the pale floor shed scrubbed the day before. Youre my muse, but you smother my process! I need solitude, space, quiet! And you rattle about the kitchen, breathing
She froze, helpless.
I Ill keep to the other room, she said softly. I only wanted to ask if youd join me for dinner.
Dinner! Always with the household stuff! Simon clutched his head, features contorted. Youre turning my studio into a kitchen! Im an artist, Rebecca! Food is nothing when Im building worlds! I need silence. Perfect silence!
He stormed out. She stood, numb, recognising the pattern. Shed lived this before, with Daniels dad. But then, at least, she had Daniel. Nowshe had nothing but Simon.
She sat on the sofa in the dark, not bothering with lights, and her thoughts turned, out of the blue, to Daniel. In the last year, save for a brief, duty-bound call or two, she hadnt seen him. Evelyn had stopped ringing. Rebecca felt relieved by the silence.
Youll never find happiness, her mothers words haunted her. Once dismissed as old-fashioned nagging, they now sounded uncannyprophetic.
The next day, Simon, guilt-ridden, brought her coffee in bed, pouring out apologies, declaring himself an idiot, and calling her his only salvation. Rebecca smiled, sipped, and said, Its alright, Simon. Artistslike childrenneed minding. Ill be your minder.
But something inside her had broken. She began to see what shed been blind to: Simons selfishness, his assumption that her life existed only to boost his genius. She remembered Daniel reaching for her, saying Mummy, I love youfor no reason at all. Her heart ached with a pain that had no name. Tiredness, she called it.
******
Six more months crawled on. Life with Simon became a cycle of rows and reconciliations, the fights uglier, the make-ups shallow. Rebecca eventually took a jobfar from her dream role, just as an office assistant. Simon viewed it as betrayal.
You, in that dreary office! he raged, pacing his now-neglected studio. My muse, a desk jockey! You betrayed the dream!
Simon, Rebecca said wearily, her strength ebbing. We have bills. Your paintings go unsold. I have no money left. I cant ask Mumshes raising my child.
The word child hung between them like a stone. Simon paused, then gave her that old, sardonic smile she now hated.
Ah, yes. The child that was in the way. You ditched him easily enough, and now you use him as an excuse for mediocrity.
It was cruel, too cruel for words.
Youre right, Rebecca murmured, standing to remove the apron shed worn for dinner. I did let go easily. And now, I see who for.
What do you mean by that? Simon bristled.
I mean, were finished, Rebecca replied, barely surprised by how easy it felt, as if shed spat something bitter from her mouth at last. I was a fool. I gave up someone real for a fairy tale. Youre talented, Simon. Beautiful, even. But theres a hollow inside you. The same hollow I felt when I left my son. We deserved each otheryou and I. But I dont want to be hollow anymore.
She packed what little she still ownedmost of it either sold or spoiledand left. Simon didnt stop her. He just gave her that smirk and said, Go, then. Run home to your old mum and your unnecessary child. See how you like that tune.
***********
Her mothers flat was filled with the scent of baking and toys spread everywhere. At the door stood Daniel. Hed grown thinner, taller, but his clear blue eyes studied the stranger before him.
Hello, Daniel, Rebecca whispered, kneeling to his height. Do you remember me?
Daniel hid behind Evelyns skirts. He had all but forgotten. After a years absence, the idea of Mummy was a shadowEvelyn was mum now; she took him to playgroup, read him stories, bought him Lego.
Evelyn blocked the doorway, not letting her inside.
Well, Rebecca, she said. Here you are.
Mum, Rebecca sobbed, holding out her arms. Mum, Im sorry. Ive messed up. Please I want to come home. I want to take Daniel back.
Evelyn said nothing. Daniel, emboldened, edged out, reaching to touch Rebeccas once-perfect but now limp hair.
Why are you crying? he asked seriously. Granny Evelyn says its better to smile.
Through tears, Rebecca tried to smile. Evelyn gave in, sighed, stepped aside.
Come in. Coat off. Have a bite to eat. Then well talk.
They sat in the kitchen. Daniel watched his mother, curious.
I know everything, Evelyn said as she cut the cake, placing a generous slice before her daughter. About you and Simon. Did you think I wouldnt? People rang, they told mehow you sold your things, how you cried, how he belittled you. I waited.
You waited? Rebecca looked up through red eyes. Why didnt you call? Come to me? Beg me to come to my senses?
Would it have helped? Evelyn placed the tea before her. You wouldnt have listened. You needed to hit the bottom. To feel it for yourself.
Rebecca lowered her head, burning with shame. She remembered that day, dragging Daniel to her mothers. How sure shed beenhow coldly she threatened her own mum with sending Daniel to care. She wanted to disappear.
Mum, please give me a chance, Rebecca whispered. I want to be with Daniel. I wantto be a mother.
Evelyn was silent, looking at her grandson.
Are you really ready? she asked at length. Not just words, but every dayup at night when hes ill, patient when hes cross, love him because hes yours, not for what he brings you? The kind of love I showed you, even when you came to me with those dreadful legal papers?
Rebecca looked up, something alive, raw in her eyes.
I dont know, she said honestly. I dont know if Im ready. Im scared. Im scared he wont want me. But I want to try. I want to earn I want to earn your forgiveness. And his. I know I betrayed you both. I just dont know if it can be put right.
Tired of the grown-up conversation, Daniel scrambled off his chair and stepped between the two womenbetween the grandmother who had become his mother and the stranger who had once been. He turned to Evelyn, then to Rebecca, then back again, and asked:
Granny, is this lady living with us?
Rebecca flinched at lady, tears streaming again. Evelyn stroked Daniels hair, hugging him close.
This isnt just any lady, Daniel. Its its your mummy. Shes come back. Maybe for a little while. Maybe for longer. Well see. For now, shell stay with us. If thats alright by you.
Daniel frowned, considering this. Then he walked up to Rebecca, eyed her carefully, and offered her his recently built tower.
Here, he said, solemn. Dont break it. Took me ages.
Rebecca took the model with trembling hands, bursting into sobs, while Daniel retreated to his gran, confused by her reaction.
Ill stay, Rebecca choked out. Ill stay, Mum. If youll let me. And Ill try every daya bit at a time.
Well see, Evelyn replied, a thread of hope breaking through her patience. Lets see how it goes.
Rebecca was home. And this was only the beginningthe hardest, and maybe the most genuine journey of her life. A road with no fireworks or grand words about freedom. Just a little boy and the frightening, honest work of starting again. And for the first time, clutching Daniels offering, Rebecca felt ready for it. Not for a perfect love story or for social approval. But for the sake of a small boy who handed her his treasure and said, Dont break it.
And she promised herselfshe wouldnt.
