Dear Diary,
I muttered under my breath, Ill give her a ring, as I slipped out the back door.
Your lover called. She sends her regards, Irene shouted, never looking away from the hob where something familiar sizzled in a pan, as ordinary as the life weve built together.
I froze on the kitchen threshold. Twentyfive yearsan entire marriageflashed before my eyes in an instant. My keys slipped from my fingers, clattered onto the floor with a harsh, tinny clang that shattered the silence.
What are you talking about? A lover? I asked, my voice trembling with the fear and turmoil of the past months. It felt as if the ground itself was swallowing me.
Poppy, Irene finally said, crossing her arms over her chest. Your assistant, I suppose? Shes only twentyfive, says shes been with you for four months now. Congratulations, love. The pain in her eyes made me want to disappear into the earth, or perhaps wake upwake up and realize this was all a nightmare.
Irene, I can explain I started, but the words caught in my throat.
Explain what? That you were having fun with your secretary while I was running from one doctor to another? Or that you lied, saying you were working late? she snorted, her laugh ragged. The pan sputtered, the smell of burnt meat filling the kitchen. Irene switched off the gas as if that could stop the ache, the bitterness, the betrayal.
You know whats the most disgusting? her voice dropped to a whisper. I suspected it all along. All those meetings, latenight calls, trips abroad I believed you, like a fool, I believed!
Darling, please listen I stepped toward her, but she raised a hand, as if erecting an invisible wall.
Dont come near! tears flashed in her eyes. Lord, how filthy twenty years wasted!
Stop, I tried to steady myself, my voice shaking. Lets just talk calmly. Its complicated.
Complicated? Irene laughed again, a sound that sounded more like sobbing. Whats so complicated? You took a young lover. Shes flown in. And me? Her voice broke. Im just an old woman who cant have children, is that it?
Dont say that! I took another step, reaching for her.
She spun away, as if burned, and a harsh slap ripped through the kitchens hush.
Leave, she whispered, voice trembling. Leave go to her. If she can give you what I never could.
Irene
Get out! she snapped, snatching the salt cellar and flinging it at me.
I recoiled; the salt scattered across the floor, white crystals glinting under the lamp. A bad omen, I thought.
Ill call her, I muttered, backing toward the door.
Irene turned to the window, shoulders shaking as if from cold, though the night outside was warm.
In the hallway, pulling on my coat, I heard her muffled sobs. My hand froze on the doorknob. What could I possibly say? How could I justify the betrayal?
The front door slammed shut. The empty flat fell oppressively quiet, save for the ticking of the mantel clocka wedding gift from my parentsthat had marked each second of our shared life for twentyfive years.
Irene sank into a kitchen chair, eyes landing on the spilled salt. They say salt brings misfortune, she mused, then burst into a hysterical laugh. It felt as if her world had shattered, crystal shards scattering across the dark floor.
My phone buzzed in my coat pocket. A text from an unknown number: Im sorry. I never meant for this to happen. Poppy.
Wretch, Irene muttered, clutching the phone to her chest. Little devil
Rain began to patter against the window, the first drops striking the sill like a sad xylophone.
I rose, grabbed a broom and dustpan, and began scooping up the salt. A ridiculous thought crossed my mind: I never even asked whether she was expecting a boy or a girl
I paused, holding the dustpan, the rain, the ticking clockall merging into one relentless stream, as if my whole life now existed only in these tiny details. Nothing else remained.
Later, Andrewmy namesat in the car, staring at the screen. Fifteen missed calls from my mother; of course shed called, always eager to hear from her daughterinlaw.
What now? I asked my reflection in the rearview mirror. The fortyfiveyearold man stared back, judgment in his eyes.
The phone buzzed again. Poppy flashed on the display.
Yes, love
Where are you? her voice trembled, on the brink of tears. I was so scared she was terrifying!
Who? I asked, confused.
Your wife! She turned up at my office, made a scene
What? When?
An hour ago she screamed at everyone, threw papers at methese were the results of her scans.
I dropped my head onto the steering wheel, a sob escaping me.
I didnt know I didnt know you couldnt have children. I thought you just didnt want them
I knew and still a voice whispered in my mind. I knew and still
Come back, she pleaded. Im scared being alone.
Im on my way, I said shortly.
I turned the key, but the engine stalled before I could move. My phone rang againthis time my mother.
Yes, Mum.
Ah, you wretch! she shouted, her voice like a whip. What have you done? Lost your conscience?
Mum
Silence! Irenes crying, barely holding herself together. After all these years and you youve been with a young girl!
Im not mum, I
I wont be your mother any longer! Until you get your head straight, dont call. Dont even show up on the doorstep!
She slammed the receiver. The phone felt suddenly heavy in my lap. The only sound was the soft hum of the car engine.
I stared at Irenes house, its windows glowing with a warm, homely light. Yet I could not walk toward it. I could not go anywhere.
I turned the ignition off. The car sighed and fell silent. The hush around me grew deafening.
A few desperate beeps sounded from the handset.
Dammit, I whispered, pounding the steering wheel until my fingers cramped.
Another message pinged: Divorce papers will be ready in a week. Collect your things on the weekend. Im leaving. I read it over and over. The words refused to coalesce into a sensible whole. Divorce. Everything. Twentyfive years. Crumbled.
Then a fresh call from Poppy.
Are you coming? My stomach hurts
Im on my way! I shouted, jerking the wheel as if it could fling me out of this nightmare.
Rain hammered harder, windshield wipers fighting a losing battle, the city blurring into grey smears behind the glass.
My phone buzzed againlikely Mum again. I didnt even look. What difference did it make? Everything was already falling apart, and I couldnt grasp how it had gotten here.
A year ago, Poppy started as an intern at my firmbright, eyes full of hope, looking at me the way Irene once did during our university days. Then came the office party, a careless touch, and suddenly I was feeding her flowers, taking her out to restaurants, falling in love with the idea of being young again. I even rented a flat for our secret meetings, watching her glow with happiness, dreaming of a future.
Fool, I thought, staring at the rainslick road. Old fool.
The phone rang again.
Its not Poppy, Irenes voice cut in, calm and oddly soothing. Ive done a test. Guess what? Im expecting too.
Everything seemed to freeze. A sudden screech of brakes, a crash, darkness.
The doctor said: heart attack, plus a severe head injury. Condition critical.
Irene stood by the intensivecare window, watching a man tangled in tubes and wires. Beside her, Poppyher cheeks puffy, eyes redlet out soft sobs.
Stop wailing, Irene said flatly, not looking at him. This isnt a drama.
Im sorry Poppy whispered, wiping tears, I we a baby.
Yes, of course, Irene sneered, a twisted smile forming. A baby without a father how amusing. And me without a husband. Lovely, isnt it?
Are you also? Poppy stammered, eyes flicking to Irenes barely visible belly.
Did you get knocked up too? Irene asked, laughing. Twentyfive years of nothing, and nowboom! Must be the stress.
The monitor beeped quietly. Rain kept tapping the windowpanes, refusing to let anyone forget that beyond this sterile room, life outside still went on.
I loved him from the first year, Irene said, eyes never leaving the motionless body. He was skinny, wore glasses all the girls laughed, asked what I saw in him. I saw the real him.
Poppy stayed silent, pulling at the edge of the curtain, as if something hidden there could save her.
Then the wedding, the rings, the veil, everything proper. My mother even said, Shell be a good daughterinlaw. And I turned out a broken piece.
Dont say that, Poppy whispered, voice as faint as autumn leaves.
How to speak? You know how many doctors Ive seen? How many treatments? He kept telling me, Dont worry, love, well manage without kids. He lied. He just lied.
He loves you, Poppy said, but even she didnt believe her own words.
Even when he got you?! Irene snapped, laughing cruelly.
Poppy shivered, instinctively covering her belly, as if to shield herself from the pain.
I thought we had love, she murmured, eyes downcast. He was so gentle
And Im what? Irene retorted, sarcasm dripping. A careerdriven, childless wife?
No! Poppy protested, speechless.
You know whats funny? Irene interjected. I almost understand you. Young, in love you lost your head chasing a successful man. I was the same. Only my mistake is that the man is my husband.
Andrew shifted slightly in his bed. Both women leaned forward, but he fell silent again.
What now? Poppy asked, the room hushed.
What will you do? Irene asked, weary. Andrew will have two heirs or heiresses. Does it matter?
And he? Poppy pressed.
What about him? Irene replied, bitterness softening into something like pity. Hell choose either the old wife with a wagon or the young lover with a baby.
Im not a contender Poppy began, trying to break free of the words.
Youre a contender, Irene cut in. All of you are. Listen, girl I wont give up my part of this twentyfiveyear story. You just jumped onto someone elses train, but this isnt your route. Not your station.
A nurse cleared her throat softly.
Excuse me, visiting hours are over.
Right, of course, Irene said, standing. Lets go, dear. Ill show you where the tea vending machine is. We still have a long day ahead.
A week later I awoke to find Irene sitting beside my hospital bed, a hand tenderly resting on my stomach. The thought struck me: How did I never notice?
Iris? my voice rasped, foreign to my own ears.
She shivered, eyes widening.
Did you arrive, love? she teased, a faint smile playing on her lips. I thought you were up in heaven, flirting with angels.
Sorry
Dont start, Irene snapped. Your solicitor was here. I wont split the flatkeep it. Keep the car, youll need it more. Ive quit my job.
What? I tried to rise, panic flooding my face. Why?
Im moving back to Loxley, to my parents place, she said, calm as if speaking about a grocery run. The airs cleaner. Better for the child.
Irene, please
Its necessary, Andrew. Its necessary, she said, finally smilingnot with joy, but with relief. Ive thought a lot while you lay there in that blackout. I was right to be a fool. Not because I believed you, but because I was terrified of living without you.
I love you, I whispered, hoping words could change anything.
You love? she nodded, not looking at me. Perhaps, in your own way. Like a habit, a part of life. But I dont want to be just a habit, you understand?
She stood, brushed off her dress as if shedding an extra weight.
Poppy stopped coming daily, crying, saying she gave up all claims. Silly thing I gave her the number of a good gynaecologist and a realtor to find a bigger place. A child in a onebedroom will be cramped.
You what? I could hardly believe my ears.
Whats the big deal? she shrugged, as if it were ordinary. Were now in the same boatactually the same lane funny, isnt it? So many years of emptiness, now two at once. They say misfortune never comes alone. Neither does happiness.
Outside, the first spring thunderstorm roared, splitting the day into shards.
Dont linger, Irene said, leaning down to kiss my foreheada simple, ordinary goodbye. Ive called a taxi, sent my things. Sign the divorce papers when youre better. No rush now.
Ian
You know, she paused at the doorway, turning to me, I really did love you. To the point of madness, trembling and now Ive let it go. Its like Ive inhaled fresh air. Thank you for that. And thank you.
She left, gently closing the door. The faint scent of her perfume lingered, the same Id given her each anniversary.
I stared out the window where a spring storm mixed rain with snow. In this damp March town, two women carried my children in their heartsdifferent yet alike worlds, diverging paths, one story.
I wondered, Will they become friends? Will they share a life together or forever be split?
