Chick
What are you staring at me for like a lost lamb? Not had enough, have you? Give him another one, lads! Sophies usually gentle voice squeals into a shriek, and Daniel ducks his head, raising his fists in protest.
As if that would help. Whod be scared of him now? Hes skinny, short, arms and legs like sticks, and his head wobbles on his narrow neck as if it might roll off any second. In short Chick!
That nickname was given to him the day he arrived in the foster family.
Mum, look, he eats like a chick! He just pecks at his food!
A pretty blonde girl, more resembling a delicate porcelain doll than a person, scrunches up her nose with amusement, handing him her bread roll.
Here! Eat! What, didnt they feed you properly at the childrens home?
Daniel refuses, jerking his head so abruptly that foster mum, Rachel, gasps in surprise. She probably worries that his head might fall off.
But he simply doesnt want to explain hes not actually hungry. That the childrens home fed him well. Hes just always eaten little, thats all. Or at least, until now. Later on, in this house, he grows accustomed to the generous portions Rachel piles on their plates, to baskets of chocolates and biscuits always on the table, and a fruit bowl beside them. He learns to take what he wants without asking.
In the beginning, Rachels nearly in tears whenever Daniel approaches her and asks, May I have an apple? Just the one. Please
Of course, love! Why do you bother asking? Just help yourself and enjoy!
But Daniel cant do otherwise. He needs permission, just in case someone frowns at him or remarks that hes taken something unasked.
Sophie, the porcelain doll herself, laughs at him for it, but keeps the others from teasing him too muchat least in the beginning. Now he sees her for what she is, playing with him like a cat with a mouse. She can torment or pardon at her whim. All the foster kids in Rachels house, whether they realise it or not, end up her playthings. She delights in watching her siblings argue and feud.
Mary, your plaits look so lovely! And mums done them so nicely today! Why did Paul say youve got a haystack on your head? What is a haystack anyway?
Naive fourteen-year-old Mary, kind as Rachel herself, becomes a tigress where her appearance is concerned. Her brother Paul, who Rachel took in just after Mary once she learned they were siblings, wails in protest when whacked by his sister, as Sophie beams. But what did she say, after all? Just repeated a phrase shed picked up at schoolPaul never said any such thing, but what does it matter? Sophie just mixed things up. It happens.
Or when Pauls preparing for yet another reading competitionhe always wins somethinghe stands rehearsing by the mirror, and Sophie pipes up:
Well done, Paul, brilliant! And why does Daniel say youre dim and hopeless?
Suddenly, Daniel, busy with a grammar exercise and tongue poking from the corner of his mouth, finds himself floored. Paul, close to tears, thumps him, not caring that Daniel bit his tongue as he fell.
Then Sophie flies off to find mum: Mum! The boys are fighting again! I think Pauls really hurt Daniel this time!
Rachel dashes into the childrens room, where Marys already separated the boys, and gaspsthen grabs her car keys. Off to hospital! Just in case.
Luckily, Sophie doesnt spin her little webs every dayno need, the effect would be lost and someone might catch on. No; she plots carefully, with imagination and smarts. Daniel sometimes imagines she has a long foxs tail, flicking in victory every time she manages to set someone at odds.
Of all Rachels kids (there are five of them), only Nicholas pays Sophie no mind whatsoever. He just doesnt much care what goes on around him. Nicholas is a computer genius, living in the kingdom of the room Rachels eldest son, Simon, gave him before moving away. No ones allowed in unless invited. But Nicholas isnt selfish at all! He lets others play on the computer and explains how things workbut times tight. Hes only sixteen, already an excellent programmer, snowed under from head to toe. So, even if hed like to spend time with the little ones, there just arent enough hours in the day. His favourite work claims all his energy, with more adventures yet to come.
Daniel knows Nicholas has a girlfriend. Its their secretRachel knows; Daniel knows, because Nicholas tells him and even lets him chat with Lucy over Skype. It doesnt matter they live in different cities and only met once during a summer camp at the seaside. Theyll finish school soon and go to the same university. Nicholas is waiting for it eagerly. Daniel gets it.
After all, he knows all about waiting.
Sitting on the cold window ledge, legs tucked under himself, fingers crossed for luck, whispering: Let it all work out! Please! You can do anything! Daniel doesnt know quite who hes speaking to: that mysterious You he so desperately wants to share his troubles and joys with. But he believes someone can hear him. So whenever Nicholas lets him sit in his roomquiet in the corner, stroking their fat ginger cat, AristotleDaniel silently mouths: Let things be good for them! Please, make it so.
Those times in Nicholass room are Daniels favourite. There, he feels safe. Tucked in the sofas corner, Aristotle purring warmly on his lap, he knows no one will hurt or taunt him. He can sit and think his own thoughts, snatch at quick rhymes swirling in his head since forever, scratch the cats ears, listen to Nicholas mutter softlysometimes to himself, sometimes to Daniel, sometimes to the catgrumbling a little but usually making satisfied noises as he taps away at some complicated programme. Then Nicholas half-stands, straightens his tall frame, stretches, squats a few times, waggles a long leg about and gives a little war cry, then bows with a flourish:
Welcome! I say its time for a snack!
Daniel dashes for the kitchen, dodging Aristotles circling paws, to brew tea the way Rachel showed him, and then sits back listening to storiesfrom camp, from school, from Simon (idol, mentor, best big brother ever, besides Rachel of course).
Simon is Rachels only biological childthe rest are officially siblings by adoption.
Simonlovingly called Simmie by mumhas grown up and lives far away, out in Newcastle, working at the university and coming home twice a year. Whenever he visits, the whole house fills with peace and happiness. Daniels only seen it twice, but both times hes wanted to beg Simon to stay: when Simon is here, no one dares misbehave. But of course, Simon has his own life: wife, friends, work… a little daughter. So funny and affectionate Daniel freezes with surprise the first time she climbs into his lap. He sits stiff as a board, wary of moving, for shes tiny and fragile. But Simons wife, Kate, reassures him.
Dont worry! She just wants to get to know you. Youre her uncle now. Big and strong. And shes your niece.
The little girl pats his cheek and then throws her arms round his neck. Daniel cant help ithe bursts into tears, loud and unstoppable, startling everyone.
But Rachel immediately understands. She sweeps him up onto her lap and rocks him in her arms, just as hed just cradled Simons toddler.
No one laughs at him then. Not even Sophie. She comes to Rachel, stands beside her, and soothes Daniel, patting his shoulder.
Dont cry, Chick! Oh, sorry, Daniel. Everythings going to be alright!
Why does she do this? Daniel doesnt know. One minute she bullies him, the next shes kind. Shes strange, but hes known stranger folk. And there are others tooNicholas, for one. And Mary and Paul arent so bad really, just unsure whos who.
And then, of course, theres Rachel Daniel only dares call her mum in his head for nowand not always then. Hes scared. Afraid of being misunderstood, or worse, understood, accepted, and then sent back to the childrens home. Like before, when the new baby came and Daniel simply wasnt wanted anymore. A couple of womenone in a smart uniformcollected him and drove him back. The reason he couldnt be loved was spelled out, quickly and unkindly. Not by the carersthey had plenty to do and little time for the heart of a five-year-old boy. Daniel learned that young.
Those memories make him feel strangely cold and sticky, as if someone is painting over him with black paint.
He tells no one about these fears. Not even Nicholas. Only Aristotle, who always listens as if Daniels stories are the most important things in the world. Perhaps they are. To Aristotle, Daniel can say what hes too afraid to speak aloud.
Do you reckon theyll let me stay?
Aristotle twitches his ear, then flops on his back with a flip, presenting his belly. If anyone knew about lost creatures being taken in and loved, it would be Aristotle. Thats what happened to him; he had no doubt Rachel would never turn this big-eared, sad-eyed boy away either.
Rachel named the cat Aristotle because shes a nurse. She found him at the side of the road on her way home. Once a beautiful, pampered housecat, now he looked like a sodden rag doll. His once-glorious tail hung limp and filthy.
The car that hit him was long gone, but he lay there watching the far side of the road, his eyes clouding. Home was there… and the window the housemaid left open. The tree where the blue tits teased him until he leapt then panic, and hed run out onto the road, desperate for warmth, for the soft bed and tasty food and water bowls. Thirst drove him to slurp from a muddy puddle as if it were the best drink in the world.
Suddenly a bright light, a blowagony.
He tried to stand on his paws, but they wouldnt work. He howled, desperate as a kitten.
Instead of the icy touch of his mothers nose, there was Rachels warm hand.
After she carried him home, Rachel never got the stains out of her coatthe spring mud and mysterious dark gunk from the road clung fast. At last she gave up, sending the coat off to her allotment shed and buying herself a plain new jacket: Best for all my running about! I dont need anything fancy for myself, shed say, and splurge in the childrens department instead: Mary will look gorgeous in this dressthose silvery colours suit her! This ones for Sophie, blue as the sky. Mustnt forget the boys… ooh, T-shirts! Perfect!
Mum, what about you? Mary pirouettes before the mirror in her new dress.
Ill make do! My wardrobes full. Like it? Well get it then!
The cat who came home with her lay silent as she fed the children and tried to ring Aristotles old ownerhe’d had a different, stuffy name, pronouncing it with theatrical flair. If only you knew his pedigree!
But neither his lineage nor his beauty meant a thing when, at the vets, the previous owner asked with a wrinkle of her pretty nose:
Waithe wont walk again? No, I dont want a cat like that. Put him to sleep or do whatever you like. I wont pay those silly fees! Cheaper to get a new one!
Rachel, standing beside, snorted indignantly, but the young vet winked and said, Alright, then please sign here to authorise euthanasia.
Euthanasia? For a cat?
Its just a form, so we can proceed and dispose of him correctly. It normally costs, but for you, beautiful lady, well waive the fee!
After a flutter of eyelashes and a sigh, the cat became nameless and homeless. Rachel stroked his big ginger head as the vet, returning, asked seriously:
Youre not going to abandon him, are you?
No, Rachel nodded, carefully cupping his warm ear.
There was an operationthen Aristotle wasnt scared anymore. He somehow understood the worst was over, so only good things lay ahead now.
He still limped a bit, but that didnt matter. There were always kids and worries in Rachels house, but also joy, warmth, and smiles from Rachel and her husband, George.
He rarely saw George, a lorry driver home twice a week, but whenever George did come back, Aristotle would paw at his trousers, asking to be picked up. The mans big hands were so strong and warm they soothed any aches before rainy weather. Aristotle knew these hands could comfort more than just him. He tried to explain this to the big-eared boy whod just arrived, but that boy didnt understand. Rachel did, though.
George, have a word with Danny, will you? Hes not fitting in with the others. Im keeping an eye, but I cant figure out whats wrong yet.
Not speaking?
Silent as the grave. You know how they come to ustakes time to open up.
And the others?
They wont say. When I ask why they fought, they all look at the floorsilence. Only Sophie pleads for no punishment for Daniel. Calls him Chick, can you believe it!
And you allow that?
She says it sweetly? Rachel frowns.
Thats not a nickname for a lad, not for you to let her use it. If shes called by her name, so should they all be. Remember what she called Mary when she arrived?
The Princess without a pea.
Exactly. Doesnt sound nasty, but remember how Mary sobbed about it?
Youre right. I should have noticed.
What about the rest and Daniel?
A bit in between. Nicholas is fineinvites him in, shows him things, says Daniels really clever if someone takes the time. But Mary and Paul are complicatednot sure whats come between them yet. Maybe invite Catherine to stay for a week and sort things with the kids?
Catherines a psychologist, yes, but shes got her hands full nowSimons away and their little ones ill. But well ring her for advice.
Rachel does talk to Catherine, but life has its own way of sorting things, often before youve figured out what to do about it.
The row Sophie orchestrates finally happens, but it’s not the outcome she wants.
What are you all just standing there for? He said disgusting things about mum and you just watch! Sophies dark eyebrows knit as Daniel cringes back into the wall.
He won’t shout. Wont ask for help. Sophies figured that out now after much proddinghe doesnt know how to complain. Never learned to, never had anyone to run to. Not like Sophietears and trembling lips, and a soft voice that’s all but gone…
Mummy
It always works! No one ever suspected her of trickery. Funny how people believe exactly what suits them…
Daniel screws his eyes shut, and suddenly Sophie feels sorry for him. He looks so ridiculous with those little fists. What could he do against Mary and Paul anyway? There are two of them, and Pauls almost a head taller than Chick. Plus, Pauls been at judo since Rachel took him inshe insisted he needed a way to channel all that energy. Right now, hes overflowing with anger, ready to flatten Chick, no problem. For Rachel, any of them would go through fire and water. Where would they be now, if she hadn’t taken them in?
For a moment, Sophie closes her eyes. She has little memory of her own childhood. Just flashes:
Sitting under a table on a filthy floor, sucking her finger from hunger, listening to the adults shouting above. Harsh, angry voices promising nothing good, but she cant crawl outtoo many legs, like a creepy forest. Shes scared. This is no place for a small girl.
Then shes outside beside a shed, hands deep in the dogs bowl, stuffing in sour porridge. What else to domums been gone two days and hasnt come back. Lucky she left the door unlocked and Sophie could escape to the garden. The porridge is horrible, but she knows its the neighbour, Mrs Barnes, who feeds the dogand she toddles off to her fence. At three, Sophie already knows where Mrs Barnes livesalways pushing bits of bread or pies through the gaps in the fence.
Her instincts serve her wellMrs Barnes gasps, calls for her husband and demands the police.
Sophie remembers little after thatjust a big bedroom she shares with other kids, the smells of clean sheets and good food. Everything tastes wonderful there; she never fusses, always neat and helpful, admired for her fair curls and sky-blue eyes. She never called anyone mum at the childrens homenever once ran up to visitors with Mummy, have you come for me?
Those tricks werent for her. She always knew her time would come, and everyone said so.
Who wouldnt want a child like her? Gorgeous little girl! Of course shell find a family.
And Rachel and George did come.
Sophie looks them over, then asks the carer seriously:
My mums not coming for me, is she?
With a look at Rachel, the carer replies just as seriously:
No. She wont.
Alright. Sophie takes Rachels hand and doesnt let go all the way home.
Well, if the old mum doesn’t want her, thats finea new mum will do. Rachel is perfect for it.
Only one problem. Well, twoSimon and Nicholas. Sophie soon manages Nicholas, and as for Simon, hes leaving for university just as she arrives. So no need to worry about him.
Her and Nicholas dont become great friends, but they stop arguing, living in truce for their parents sake. Occasionally, Nicholas helps her with homework once shes at school, and Sophie comes to value the fragile peace in the house. She is loved, and isnt that what matters?
But Sophies worldalready fragileshakes again when first Mary arrives, followed by her little brother Paul.
Why? Her wide eyes fill with tears as she clutches Nicholass window-sill. From the second floor she watches Rachel help the new daughter from the car.
Perhaps someone else needs a family too? Nicholas doesnt look up from his computer, tossing her a pack of tissues. Wipe your eyes.
This is my family! Sophies voice is so quiet Nicholas barely hears her.
She says nothing more that day, just smiles politely as Rachel introduces her to Mary, shows her the bedroom she now has to share, even gives her some hair clips, which delights mum.
Well done, darling!
Sophie grits her teeth. Well, shell manage. Shell get rid of that girl soon enough.
But she fails. Later, Paul is added to the family, and Sophie has to accept that everythings changing. She tries quietly to sow discord between the brother and sister, but even she isnt sure what she hopes forperhaps to make Rachel realise?
But Rachel carries on as ever. Now Daniel arrives and Sophie loses patience.
Why does she have to put up with this? Arent three children enough? Simon doesnt count, hes grown up. Dont her parents have enough love for Sophie alone? Perfect at school, helpful at home, always eager to please and make them proud. Why bring in strays like they did Aristotle? These arent cats, theyre people! And Rachel will love them as much as her. Is that right?
Sophies blue eyes grow as dark as stormwatersomething that only happens when shes furious. If it all works out, Rachel will see that Daniel doesnt belong. Things will be as before. Or nearly. Itll be a small victory.
She steps forward, grips Daniels wrists, and hisses:
Youre not wanted here!
Daniel meets her gaze. But somethings changed. Hes not scared of her anymore. Sophie realises this instantly, just as a soft laugh rings out behind her. Mary and Paul are snickering.
Oh, Sophie, youre hopeless! So jealous!
The calm voice of dad pins her in place.
She dares not turnnow, for sure, shell be sent back to the childrens home and all those Marys, Daniels, and Pauls will stay with Rachel in her house…
Daniel wriggles free and Sophie lets go, arms dropping helpless and staring straight ahead. Shes not surprised when Paul stands beside Daniel and pats him on the shoulder:
I didnt hit you too hard?
No, its fine.
It had to be done.
I know.
Mary, standing next to just-arrived George, shakes her head and asks her father:
Dad, do we need to tell mum about this?
Well, yes, but I think you can sort it out amongst yourselves. Cant you?
Mary nods, goes over and hugs Daniel.
Hes not a Chick, you know. Hes as much a brother as you are a sister, Sophie! Were done letting you boss us around. We were daft to let you fool us for so long.
And youre so smart now? Sophie whispers, afraid to turn in case mum comes.
Yes, Mary smiles. There are more of us, Sophie. You can stamp and try to twist things your way, and maybe Rachel will feel sorry for you, but then youll just be alone. And itll be hard for everyoneupsetting for mum, for dad who should be focusing on his driving not worrying about the family, and for all of us too. Whats the point if were all sulky?
They wont send me back! Sophie hisses, fists clenched, eyes raised.
Mary looks at her in surprise, then at the boys, then bursts out laughing so loudly that something crashes upstairs in Nicholass room, and he appears on the stairs.
Whats going on?
Sophie thinks shes going to be sent back to the childrens home!
I never saw logic in her, Nicholas shrugs. Now hush. Ive got work to get done tonight, and Ill end up submitting gibberish with all this noise. Can I trust you all to be quiet?
All four nod silently, and Nicholas heads back up; the others trail to the kitchen for lunch. Only Sophie stays behind, sinking onto the bottom stair, suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to sob. To weep loudly as she once did by that fence, behind which Mrs Barness warm homefull of delicious food but closed to herstood. Her place had always been in the cold, neglected emptiness where no one cared. Where even the strange glass bottles she played with under the table were more cherished than her. Where the smacks from her real mother were proof of discipline.
Daniel settles beside her, pulling a battered handkerchief from his pocket. Is it really bad?
For once, Sophie doesnt want to scream or snap at him. She just nods and takes what he offers.
Thanks, Chick… I mean, Daniel.
Thats alright, I dont mind. The nicknames not so bad. Here, wipe your nose. Lets go.
Go where?
To eat, of course. Marys already warmed the soup. Mum will be home soon, and dads hungry. And youre sitting here bawling. Selfish, arent you!
Sophie fiddles with the hanky, not daring to meet Daniels eye, then asks quietly:
Do you ever get scared? Proper scared, when it feels like your insides are tied up?
Yes. A lot, once.
And now?
Now I have a home… I hope. Ive got parents. Nicholas, Aristotle. So its not so bad anymore. What about you?
Im always scared.
Why? Youve been here longer than me. Daniel squats down to look Sophie in the eye. Whats wrong?
If no one loved me when I was alone, why would anyone love me when theres so many around? Mary, Paul, you… Nicholas doesnt count, hes basically an adult.
Sophie, youre daft.
Why?
Because if someone loves one person, they can love others too. If Rachel loves Nicholasand you wont deny itthen why wouldnt she love you or Mary just as much? Ever seen her pick favourites? I havent and I havent been here long.
No, shes never done that.
So why worry so much?
I dont know. Im just scared, Sophie sobs, then quickly pulls herself together. Will you laugh at me for it?
No. Daniel stands, hopping from foot to foot to get the pins and needles out. Ive been laughed at plenty by those I never asked for it. They tried to hurt me, so I know what its like. I dont want to be like that.
Me either, Sophie whispers, but Daniel hears her.
So just dont be. Its up to you. Now lets get some lunchMarys made soup, not Sophie stew. No ones going to eat you. Youre too grumpy to be tasty anyway.
And Sophie follows Daniel.
Years later, a bright young woman bounds down the steps of an ancient university law faculty, throws her arms around a tall brown-eyed lad, and declares so loudly that everyone turns:
Chick! I did it! Thats it, degrees in the bag! Lets celebrate!
He hugs her back, ruffling her tidy hair.
Hold on, hurricanePauls on his way, Nick and Lucy are close behind.
And Mary?
Shes on shift, covering for mum.
I knew it! Mums baking cake, isnt she?
Clever clogs! She is. And your favourite salads already made. I popped home earlier. Oh, here they come! Lets go?
Sophie nods and glances back. For the first time in years, her eyes are placid blue, like a calm seaa colour they only take when shes perfectly happy. She slips her hand into her brothers, still calling him by the old childhood nickname, Chick. But now theres no sting in itonly something new, stronger than envy or anger; that simplest, greatest thingthe thing we call love.
