The Second Family
Looking back over the years, it strikes me now how swiftly my father remarried after Mother died. And how odd it seemed, even back then, that Margaret was only half a year older than I, and little George, three years my junior, seemed to bear a striking resemblance both to me and my father.
One of my most vivid childhood memories remains: the bright-haired doll in a vibrant red dress, sitting on a shelf at the local shop. I remember tugging at Fathers sleeve, asking, just once, if he might buy that particular doll. He leaned down, his voice low but sharp with disappointment.
Annie, dont be so selfish. Your brother needs his medicine. Weve got just enough for groceries till Im paid, and still you want a new doll.
As though the toys at home werent enoughthough most were battered and broken, thanks to Margaret and George. But Father never seemed concerned with that, nor did any of the grown-ups, who always seemed to have bigger problems on their minds than my longing for that bright-haired doll.
When Mother was alive, things had been different. She couldnt always say yes, but she never shamed me for wanting. By the time I was five I already knew the days of the week, and that on ordinary weekdays she wouldnt give in to pleadingbut on Saturday mornings, she would take me to the corner shop, smile, and say:
All right, Annie. If its less than five pounds, you may choose whatever you like.
Five poundsa note with the Queens face, digits and two zeros. If the price was two digits, not three, Mother would keep her promise and Id take home a little treasure. Shed scold if I begged, yesespecially if I made a scenebut she never called me selfish for wanting something nice, even when things were hard.
And they were very hard, especially when Mother fell ill. Her treatments did little, and in the end, she was gone. I was only six. That first year after, there were no new toys, no bedtime stories, hardly a kind word.
Father only did the basics: got me off to primary school, brought me home, fed me boiled pasta and cheap sausages. Hed sit in front of the telly all evening, half-watching football or the boxing, or some talk show. When I asked if I could watch cartoons, he told me to tend to my homework, or read a book. So I did. I learned to love reading, the way Father drowned his worries in television, I fled into the worlds of my books.
Margaret and George arrived in our lives barely half a year on. Only many years later did I piece together how hasty Fathers new marriage was, and how ambiguous everyones relation seemed. Still, as a child, I could never grasp why Father always seemed to praise Margaret and George, but only ever found fault with mecalling me thoughtless, ungrateful, selfish.
When Father and I moved into Sarahs house in the countryside, space was tight. There was no room for me, so a makeshift bed was fashioned in the corridor between the bedrooms of George and Margaret. A threadbare curtain shielded me from the worldor tried to, when Margaret wasnt jerking it aside and dragging me from bed by the hair.
Im only trying to wake herotherwise well be late for school! shed protest, never mind it was Saturday and there was no school. No one cared; it became routine, like so many other small injustices. My things, anything I treasured, would be taken away and given to Margaretmy few remaining toys, including the teddy bear Granny sent down from Yorkshire.
Granny, my mothers mother, worked far up north somewhere important and, as I later learnt, quite well-off. She loved me fiercely, though I saw her so rarely. Once, during a rare call, I sobbed to her about the bear being taken. Father was furious. He sat me down, eyes cold.
Were living in Sarahs house now. Shes taken us inyouve no idea what shes done for me. If it werent for her, after your mother passed Id have been lost. Would you really want your father to disappear, leave you alone? I shook my head. However cross Id been, being left without Father wasnt something I could bear.
Then why do you keep making life difficult? You cant keep upsetting the family over such a trivial thinga mere old teddy. Margaret wanted it, thats why she has it now. You must get used to the idea that youre not the only child anymore. Share. Margaret never gets the nice gifts your granny sends you. Wouldnt it be fair for her to have one for once?
Even then, small though I was, I knew his reasoning was hollow. But I couldnt have found the words or the courage to argue. No one would have listened; there were, after all, more important problems.
Mainly, there was George, frail from birth, suffering from some nervous disorderId later learn it was connected to how hed been born. Every shilling Father earned went on his medicine and therapies. George was taken everywherethe pool, the stables, the clinic, anything that might aid his recovery. The hope was hed catch up someday with the other children.
Yet the only praise in our house was for Georges small successes, while my highest marks, prizes from writing competitions, and tidiest essays barely earned a glance.
Well, that ought to make good kindling, your certificates, Father snorted when I tried, once, to share a small triumph. If you could earn a bob or two for Georges medicine, you might actually be some use.
After that, I gave up trying to speak with Father at all.
Yetand this, even now, surprises meit was Sarah, my stepmother, who showed me some warmth. Not love, exactly, but something kinder than what I received from anyone else. She was under no duty to think of me as a daughter, but when I started helping around the house, she praised mecalled me her little helper.
Strangely, I welcomed the evening rows between Sarah and Margaret, her own daughter, when Margaret accused her of favouritism:
Youre always cheering her on, calling her sunshine, but you never care about me! Only ever have a go at me! At least Dad still loves me, unlike you!
To which Sarah would retort, exasperated: Your father puts up with your mischief, thats all. Caught smoking behind the classrooms, bullying the littler onesIm sick of being summoned to school for your antics. At least Annie has the decency not to cause trouble.
Margaret ran away once. The whole village was out searching, police dogs and all. There were tears, worry, countless callsand for those quiet days, for the first time in years, I felt safe, almost happy at home. I even wondered if things might stay peaceful if Margaret never returned.
But, alas, she did. Margaret had been hiding a few streets away, staying at a schoolmates. Whatever had happened while she was gone, it was enough to draw the attention of the authorities. The welfare officers wanted to know everything.
We were questioned in turn, each of us seen by nurses and psychologists. They asked and probed, and bit by bit, someone got to the truth.
Annie, just mind what you tell those busybodies, Father warned me during a meeting. By then, all I felt for him was disgust. He only noticed me when things went awry, and now it seemed vitally important that I play my partpretend we were an uneventful family, that all was normal, that Margaret was wayward by her own fault.
But I was eleven and no fool. Even if I couldnt phrase it the way adults did, I knew Father, and yes, even Sarah, bore some blame for what happened to Margaret. However much I wanted to spare Sarahshe had been the closest to kind, and owed me nothingit was plain that an atmosphere of constant censure, with no love for daughters, could do real harm.
I learnt, too, that the social services were interested in these twisted family dynamics. But, as I found out later, it wasnt the children Father truly worried aboutit was something else entirely.






