Destiny
Youre my destiny, my fiancé used to whisper, his words floating around me like mist. But a week before our wedding, he wandered into our flat and announced, in a tone as casual as a pub chat, that he’d met someone else.
But… What about destiny? I parroted stupidly, my voice drowned in disbelief.
Richard seemed embarrassed, like he’d spilled tea on a strangers sofa. He couldnt hold back and let out a sardonic chuckle.
Destiny? Oh, Elizabeth, dont be daft! Fairy tales, all of it.
He grabbed his jacket and walked out. I tried to bury myself alive within the four walls of my flat. Phones trilled, the doorbell chimed, but I didnt want to see anyone. My mother had abandoned me early ran off with a foreigner, chasing some dazzling life. Gran raised me, but she’s gone now. No shoulder to lean into, to sob against. So I wept into pillows. Sometimes after crying, sleep overtook me, but the dreams were uneasy disquieting. Hands reached out, clutching at me from every corner. One gripped my shoulder, shaking me; I realized it was not sleep anymore.
Well? What on earth are you doing?
It was Charlotte, my best mate.
How did you get in? I asked, lacking any emotion. Fear still lingered.
You look it, Charlotte snorted. I paid a bloke. He broke open your door. Not easy, considering it’s not my place.
How much? I asked. Ill reimburse you.
Oh, get yourself back first! Why are you letting him get to you? That tosser?
Charlotte had never liked Richard; wed gone to school together, but went to different unis later on. Shed always called him a donkey. Was she right? Had I been wrong?
Why did he do it?
Because now hes dating Marina Nelson. You? Youve only got Grans flat. Marinas got flats for days… for Richard, country boy, thats the lottery, innit?
Marinas dad was a big shot businessman. But she went to our uni. So, how did Charlotte know?
Charlotte explained that when she couldnt reach me, she called Richard. Hed said we split, and he knew nothing. So she rummaged through his social media and sussed it all out. Instead of thinking what a villain Richard was, I found myself pondering Marina; I couldnt compete with her. What a fool I am. What am I even thinking?
Im not going to Oxford anymore, I muttered.
Dont, then, Charlotte shrugged. Honestly, if I were you, Id start with a meal.
She dragged me out, both literally and emotionally. Tugged my hair, yanked me up. She made me eat, made me walk outside. Came with me to collect my papers from uni; Id studied chemistry there. Until today. Thank heavens, we didnt bump into Richard nor Marina. No one whod make me blush in shame for being dumped. I wrote apologies to our would-be wedding guests.
Next summer, I entered medical school. Charlotte was already three years in. It was tough, but I survived, repeating to myself like a prayer: Youre stronger than all the donkeys put together. Youll make it.
I didnt think of lads. While everyone dated, fell in love, I was petrified as if a donkey lurked behind every corner, waiting to headbutt me. When Charlotte was already doing her internship shed married in her last year she told me:
Eliza, come on! How many times in your life will you be twenty-four? Twenty-five will pounce on you, then thirty. And youre still here, mourning Richard.
Are you mad? I shot back. Forgotten him ages ago.
You remember, Liz. You still let him steer your life. Don’t. Not every bloke is a donkey.
By my fifth year, tired of pushing people away, I finally accepted the shy advances of clever Simon Chamberlain. Six months later, we married. Simon proved a brilliant husband, and everyone predicted him a sparkling career in medicine. Watching his drive and all he did for me, I thought, Well, Ive won the jackpot. Gratitude filled my heart, blossoming into love. I didnt know yet this wasnt just emotion but the echo of another heart forming within me, our son. Archie.
During my final years, I chose anaesthesiology. When Simon started earning well, he urged me to quit work.
No, Simon. I dont want to lose my profession. My skills will fade, and then what? Cleaner?
Lizzie, as Simon called me, what do you mean then what? Ill always be your husband.
I know! I know, but… That’s life. Life sometimes tosses lemons your way.
Hed hug me and that was that. Understanding in our family sat at the top; nothing less.
We lived, raised Archie, toyed with ideas of our own house. Rather, Simon toyed; I hesitated. He wanted to live out in the countryside.
Commutes a nightmare. Traffic jams, I counted on my fingers. Were doctors, Simon. We must be on time. Patients lives depend on us.
Go on, go on…
In winter, when snow piles up to the roof, well spend half the day shoveling.
Simon hugged me, sat me on his lap:
Tell the truth, youre just scared of ghosts.
Ghosts? I stared.
Any proper English house must have ghosts!
I burst out laughing, kissed him, took his glasses off, peered into his eyes. Then Archie walked into the kitchen, shaking his head:
Honestly. Grownups acting like teenagers, honestly.
He grabbed a yoghurt, lumbered off.
Youre behaving indecently, I whispered to Simon.
I know.
Morning, Lucy. Whos under the knife tomorrow?
Oh, Dr. Elizabeth, that tale. Room Five, VIP.
I scanned the notes: oncology, multiple malignant growths, stomach… stage III. Heart murmurs, blood pressure high.
Whys he here in therapy? I wondered aloud.
Money, Dr. Elizabeth. With enough pounds, you can lie anywhere. Even in gynecology! giggled the nurse.
Right Fair enough.
I went to the ward, closing up notes. Needed to check the patients name to address him properly. Richard Nelson. Something scratched my memory. Of course! Marina Nelson had snatched Richard off me before my wedding years ago. And his name was
Hello, he said sourly, bald and gaunt. You look well.
Id have liked to say the same, but… Ghosts, flashed through my head. Youre scared of ghosts. Here he was the ghost of my past.
Good afternoon. Ill be your anaesthetist for the operation. Lets check your pressure, shall we?
I tried to steady myself. For no logical reason, my heart thundered. Felt I needed the blood pressure check myself.
He let me examine him. He was subdued, understandably. I nearly blurted out: why did he take his wifes surname?
All within normal limits, I said. Your operation should go smoothly.
Smooth? You saw the notes.
Yeah. Quite the story. You couldnt invent better. I headed for the door. What could I say to this changed, foreign person whod wounded me so long ago?
Eliza, wait. Please dont go.
I stopped at the door.
Forgive me. Please. Maybe this is God punishing me. For what I did to you.
Richard, its fine. It was ages ago.
No, he insisted. I behaved like a twit. I thought a lot about it. After.
Did you feel guilty? I grinned.
Well yes, he replied, surprised.
You know, doctors rarely stray off course, but I do read a bit. Psychosomatic medicine fascinating. Guilt is perhaps the most destructive of emotions. Think on that.
His face looked confused, so I said,
Im not angry! Im grateful. Had you not done that, I wouldnt be happy now.
I said it aloud and realized it was true. My heart calmed at last. I returned to the bed, sat, and hugged Richard. Goodness, how lucky I am he left me!
Whats going on here? screeched a voice behind me.
Marina. With a small shopping bag. She looked fine, except for bags under her eyes makeup couldn’t hide. Richard flinched, removing his hands from my back.
Alls well, I said, rising and turning to Marina. Just a quick bit of psychotherapy.
Out in the corridor, I felt a pang for my ex distant pity, as for a stranger. But I was happy; I had all I wanted. Richard had nothing: neither health nor love, it seemed, nor even his own name. Truly: fate you wouldnt envy it. Richards jackpot hadnt been digested
I slipped to a corner window, pulled my phone, and rang Simon.
Is something up? he asked, concerned.
We only rang during the day if needful such was our pact.
I love you, Simon. So, so much! I said, holding back tears.
I know, he replied evenly. Glad you finally know it yourself, too.
Destiny.
