9th December
How much longer can I take this? I tossed the tea towel onto the counter, still in my work clothes, not even a moment to change since I got home an hour ago. And now, the house is packedten extra people, not just Andrews mum popping in for five minutes.
Laughter boomed from the lounge, the telly blaring at full volume. Andrew blocked the kitchen doorway, grinning. Come on, its just family, love. Were having a laugh.
Hes having fun, listening to stories, while Im chopping up my third bowl of potato salad at nine in the evening. Ive got a big pitch tomorrow, but apparently, thats just pictures to him. Its a million-pound project! I snapped, cheeks burning.
Lizzie, darling, whys the salad taking so long? People are waiting, called his mum, Helen, fussing with her hair as she entered. I tried to keep my voice steady, Would be nice to get a heads-up before you all descend.
Oh, dont be silly, she said, pinching a bit of cucumber from the bowl. Its just family dropping by for a cuppa. Back in my day
Back in your day, there werent smartphones, I muttered.
What was that? Helen squinted.
Just saying, the choppings done, I replied, slicing up the ham.
Helen turned to Andrew, Your wifes lost all sense of hospitality. No respect for her elders
Mum, give it a rest. Shes just tired, Andrew shuffled his feet.
Tired? When I was her age, I had four kids, worked, cooked, cleaned. Never complained. More laughter erupted from the lounge. Someone shouted, Andy, come here! Daves telling a cracking story!
Andrew dashed off, leaving me to stew. Typical, I muttered. When theres responsibility, he vanishes.
Dont speak about your husband like that! Helen scolded. You should be grateful he married you, with your temperament
I stopped listening, staring at the knife, the chopping board, the jar of mayo. Then I remembered the little bottle of drops Id bought at Boots this morning
You know what, Helen? Youre right. Ill make a dinner youll never forget.
Finally! she beamed. Ill ring Margaret, she lives nearby, shell pop in too.
Remember last time Lizzie over-salted the rice? Auntie Vals voice rang out. We drank water all night!
Helen peered out, Lizzies cooking is unique.
I mixed the salad, counting to ten. The doorbell rang again.
Thatll be Margaret! Helen perked up. Andrew, get the door!
Im busy! he yelled. Lizzie, can you?
My hands are filthy, I grumbled.
What sort of wife are you? Helen moaned, heading to the door.
On the doorstep stood not just Margaret, but Andrews sister Mary, her husband, and their noisy boys. We were just passing, Mary smiled, ushering the kids in.
All just passing, I muttered, grabbing another jar of mayo. Half past nine.
What are you mumbling? Helen snapped.
Just saying, everyone to the table. Foods nearly ready, I called out.
I pulled out the little bottle from my bag. The instructions said the effect would kick in within an hourbest not stray far from the loo. Smiling, I poured a third of it into the salad.
Lizzie, is there something hot coming? Andrew poked his head in. Marys boys are starving.
Therell be plenty, I nodded. Meatballs, mash, gravy tonights gravy is special.
Thats my girl! Andrew cheered. Youve barely cooked lately.
Always working, Helen chimed in from the hall. Never any time for the house.
Well, tonight Im going all out, I said, mixing the salad. A dinner youll remember for life.
The bell rang again.
Thatll be Dave and Ellie! Andrew shouted. I told them to come too.
I froze, spoon in hand. You invited more?
Whats the harm? Everyones here. Daves bringing his mother-in-law too.
I eyed the nearly empty bottle, then the salad, estimating the crowd. You know, Ill make the gravy extra special. Enough for everyone.
Good thinking! someone called. Whats dinner without gravy?
Cant skip the gravy, I agreed, carefully measuring drops into the sauce. Just want everyone to have their fill.
Right, everyone to the table! Helen announced. Look how hard Lizzies worked.
The family buzzed, squeezing around the extended table. The boys dove for the salad.
Maybe start with the hot food? I suggested sweetly. The salad needs to sit a bit.
You always complicate things, Helen waved me off. Let the kids eat.
Exactly, Auntie Val agreed, piling her plate. No need for all these rules. We managed fine before.
Itll be different tonight, I smiled. Very different.
Lizzie, arent you eating? Andrew asked, mouth full.
I ate at work, I replied, leaning against the doorframe. And Ive had enough just from the smells.
Look at her, Mary scoffed. Wont even eat with the family. Always about work and her creative nonsense
Speaking of work, Dave piped up. Do you really get paid for drawing pictures? Some people have it easy
I watched in silence as everyone went for seconds. Plates emptied at an alarming rate.
Delicious! Margaret declared. Youve finally learned to cook, Lizzie. No more of those fancy salads.
Remember her Caesar with croutons last time? Ellie added. I had heartburn all night.
Not tonight, I murmured. Tonight will be something else.
What was that? Helen asked.
Shall we put some music on? I suggested.
Great idea! Andrew said, jumping up. Ill grab the speaker.
He paused in the doorway. Lizzie, youre acting odd tonight.
Im fine, I shrugged. Just watching you all eat. Stocking up, Id say.
Oh, come off it, he patted my shoulder. Everyones loving it. Even Mums impressed.
Thats what matters, I nodded. By the way, I warmed up more gravy. Made it with extra care for your mum. She must try it.
I checked my watch. If my calculations were right, the special effects would start in about half an hourjust as everyone was full and relaxed.
Lizzie, is there tea? Helen called.
There is, I replied, grabbing my bag. But I need to dashwork emergency.
What, now? Andrew protested. In the middle of dinner? Do you know the time?
Whats the problem? I smiled, genuinely for the first time all evening. You all turned up unannounced, so Im leaving unannounced. Thats family for you.
Modern youth, Helen sighed. No respect for family values!
Half an hour later, respect was the last thing on anyones mind.
Andrew, I feel awful, Helen groaned, clutching her stomach.
Me too, Dave winced, shifting in his seat.
Maybe its the salad? Auntie Val suggested, but didnt finishshe bolted for the loo.
Oi, wait! Mary dashed after her. I was first!
First?! Ellie protested, trying to squeeze past. Im desperate
Within minutes, the hallway was chaos. The queue for the bathroom stretched to the kitchen.
Mum, I feel sick! Marys boys whined.
Hold on! she snapped, hopping from foot to foot. Helen, are you done yet?
Ive only just got in! came the reply, mixed with machine-gun noises.
Disgraceful, Margaret moaned, slumping against the wall. Never happened in my day
Andrew! Helen yelled from the bathroom. Ring your wife! Its her cooking!
Andrew grabbed his phone, but I didnt answer. Instead, a message popped up: Hope dinner was a success. By the way, the neighbours have a loo. And Daves flat is next door. Run, darlings, run. You might just make it.
She did this on purpose? Auntie Val gasped, hand over her mouth.
Mum, hurry up! Mary wailed. The queues down the hall!
I cant! Helen howled. What did that wretch put in the food?!
The doorbell rang. Upstairs neighbour stood there, concerned. Is everything alright? My chandeliers shaking
I cant take it, someone groaned from the queue. Should we call an ambulance?
What ambulance?! Andrew snapped. Everyone would find out!
Better than embarrassing ourselves with the neighbours, Mary retorted, shoving Dave away from the coveted door.
Andrews phone pinged again. Message from me: Almost forgotfiling for divorce tomorrow.
What do you mean, divorce?! Helen shrieked, finally emerging from the bathroom.
Well sort it later! Dave barked, barging in. There are bigger problems now!
Marys kids whimpered in unison. Ellie started ringing neighbours. Margaret lamented about modern youth. Andrews phone kept buzzing:
And dont worry about my thingsI took them while you were enjoying dinner. Good luck with your digestion!
P.S. Loved how you praised my pictures, Andrew. From now on, those pictures earn money for me alone. That million-pound project? I handed it in yesterday. Ill be fine without you.
By the way, youll need a new cook for your precious family. Youll have to do it yourselfno money for restaurants now. I emptied the accounthope you dont mind! Were family, after all.
The queue for the bathroom kept growing. Somewhere down the hall, Mary screamed, The neighbours wont open the door!
Meanwhile, I sat in a cosy café across town, sipping a cappuccino, feeling truly happy for the first time in three years.
