Its been several days now, and I just cant settle. Im terribly worried about my wife, Emily, whos gone to London for some tests. Ive stayed behind in our village in the Cotswolds, waiting anxiously for any update from herhoping, praying the news will be good.
Emily never complains about anything, and I suppose Id come to take it for granted that she was always fine. Weve been married for thirty years and raised two wonderful children together. The whole house practically revolves around her. Cooking, cleaning, all the little thingsit was Emily who kept it all running like clockwork. I just assumed thats the way it ought to be. Men dont do the washing up, or spend their evenings in front of the hob, do they?
And yet, Emilys never been just a housewife, not for a single day. She works as an accountant at the same place I do. After a long day, Id come home, moan to Emily about how tiring work had been, and collapse onto the settee in front of the telly.
Meanwhile, Emily would dash to the kitchen, rustling up dinner and tomorrows lunch, washing up, tidying about, ironing the shirts for the week Theres always some job to be done, and she never stopped. The flat was always spotless, warm, and welcoming. The food was always fresh and delicious every evening. I cant stand eating yesterdays leftovers, and Emily never once made me. She never asked for help, either. It never even crossed my mind to offerwhy would it? Thats not what men do.
So when Emily took the day off work for an appointment at the GP, I was surprised.
Whats up with you? I asked her that morning, frowning. You feeling poorly?
I hope Im just being silly, she said. I havent felt right recently.
Maybe you just need some good vitamins? I suggested. Its spring, after all.
Perhaps, she shrugged.
That evening, when I got in from work, she told me shed need to go up to London to see a consultant.
What? Why? I couldnt hide my confusion.
The doctor thinks it might be something serious. Theyve referred me to the specialist at St Marys.
Serious? You mean, like your mother I faltered, thinking of how her mum had gone.
They dont know anything for certain yet. She tried to reassure me, but I could see from her face she was frightened. Shed probably even had a cry while I was out. Ive already got my ticket for the coachleaves at eight in the morning. Theres leftover cottage pie and salad for you in the fridge. I just need to pack my bag and head off to bed early.
But have you eaten at all? I asked.
I dont fancy anything, Emily replied, already folding up her pyjamas.
I watched her hunched over, packing things into her old overnight bag, and my mind wandered back. Four years ago, wed used that same bag for a holiday wed planned by the seaour first in ages. Emily was so excited about it. She bought two bright swimsuits, a lovely sundress, and a big straw hat. But in the end, that holiday never happened. My boss asked me to cover for a colleague at the last minute, promising a handsome bonus. I agreed, reasoning that the extra cash could finally pay for that bedroom renovation wed talked about.
I thought Emily understoodshe even smiled at me. But that night, I heard her quietly crying in bed beside me. She said shed dreamt something bad, but now I realise she was heartbroken at missing her seaside getaway. The next year came and went, and so did the one after, and Emily didnt bring up another holiday. I was glad, to be honest. I didnt see the point of travellingwhy bother, when weve got the allotment to keep us busy? We could always have friends around for a barbecue, and theres a river nearby if we fancy a swim. Why spend the money and go through the hassle when home was good enough?
And now that same overnight bag was being packed, but not for a holiday, and not for something good. My stomach churned at the thought.
I couldnt eat that night. I couldnt sleep either. I lay next to Emily in the dark, hearing her quietly sobbing, and something held me back from reaching out to comfort her.
In the morning, I walked her to the bus station. As she boarded the coach, I hugged her tightly and didnt want to let her go. I stood watching the bus pull away, blinking back tears.
Emily I whispered, my love, please let everything be alright.
I felt empty, but made myself get on with work. If I kept busy, perhaps the dread would loosen its grip. But returning home, I was swallowed by loneliness. The flat was barren without her. I forced myself to warm up the dinner shed left behind. I ate a little, then aimlessly turned on the tellynothing on. I shut it back off.
Eventually, I found myself pulling out our photo album from the wardrobe. I turned the pages slowly. There we were, just marriedEmily so lovely and slender. Shes still beautiful now, but back then, I couldnt believe my luck. Ill never forget meeting her for the first time at my mate Davids birthday party. Shed come with another bloke. I had a girlfriend, Alice, at the time too. The moment I saw Emily, something shiftedI was absolutely besotted. If someone had told me before that night that Id fall for someone at first glance, Id have laughed. How ridiculous! But there it was.
That evening, Alice stormed out in tears, having clocked the looks I kept sending Emilys way.
Fine, then! I told her. Weve needed to split up for ageswe never really loved each other.
Alice started seeing Tom a week later, a lad whod fancied her since school. They got married soon after.
Winning Emily over took real effort. Even when she broke it off with her boyfriend, she didnt just fall into my embrace. Still, eventually, my persistence won out.
As I gazed at the photos, I relived the happiest years of my life. Years spent beside Emily. I realised, with a sting, that Id never properly shown her how much I adored her. When was the last time I said I love you? Or just a simple thank you for tea? I cant remember. I always assumed shed look after meshe always has. When I got ill, shed fuss over me, make chicken broth, top up my squash, listen to my grumbling. If she was poorly herself, shed just take a tablet and go to work.
Now the thought of losing Emily left me terrified. That week while she was away, I was just going through the motions. We spoke every day, but she had no definite news yet. I berated myself for being inattentive and selfish all these years. If only I could do things differently.
Then, one evening, whilst I sat restlessly, the phone rang.
Ian, Ive got good news! Emily said. Theyve ruled out the worst. There are a few problems, but nothing too terrible.
Really? I cried out. Em, you dont know how relieved I am
A few days later, I met her at the bus station, clutching a bouquet of her favourite white roses.
Ian, why did you bother with the flowers? She smiled in surprise. Still, thats lovely of youthank you.
I was so worried about you, I said, pulling her into a hug. I love you so much Forgive me.
Forgive you? For what? Emily looked baffled. You havent been unfaithful, have you?
Of course not! I said quickly. I just mean, I havent taken care of you the way you deserve. I didnt help much at home. But from now on, thatll change. AndIve got a surprise for you.
What is it? she asked, a little suspicious.
I booked us a seaside holiday. Next monthour first trip away, just the two of us, in years.
The seaside? But what about the allotment?
Oh, to hell with the allotment, I grinned. Maybe we ought to just sell it. We can buy veg at the market.
I hardly recognise you, Ian
I hardly recognise myself, I said. I was so scared of losing you, I realised how precious you are. From now on, Im going to cherish you like the treasure you are. I love you, Em.
Oh, Ian! Emily laughed, tears in her eyes. Maybe it all had to happenso I could hear you say those words. Right, lets get home Love you too.
I suppose life has a way of reminding us not to take the people we love for granted. If theres one thing Ive learned, its that you should never wait for a scare to show how much someone means to you. I intend to spend the rest of my days proving Ive taken that lesson to heart.
