Her Own Place
Mum, what are you doing?! Lucy almost burst into tears, watching as her mother flung her few belongings out of the wardrobe. Her favourite red polka dot dress landed carelessly on the floor, instantly catching her little brothers eye, sitting nearby. Charlie grabbed the edge of the sash and stuck it in his mouth. No, Charlie! Give that here!
Its just a rag! snapped Patricia, tossing Lucys jeans onto the mound of clothes and slamming the wardrobe shut. Out! Just go!
But where, Mum? Where am I supposed to go? Especially so late? What are you doing?!
Ill do as I please! Its my house! And theres no place for you here!
And what about me? Isnt this my home too?
No, my dear. You dont have anything here at all! Patricia scooped up her son, wiped his nose with the hem of Lucys dress, and said, Absolutely nothing! And enough of your nonsense! Ive only just started putting my life back together and you want to ruin it again? Not this time!
Mum, what exactly am I ruining?
Who keeps flirting with Tony? Isnt it you?
Mum! Lucys shout made Charlie flinch in fright and burst into tears. Are you even listening to yourself?!
I hear myself perfectly! Enough! Ive said my piecebe out of here in five minutes!
Patricia kicked the door shut and swept out of the room, leaving Lucy frozen in a daze, not quite able to grasp what had just happened. It seemed shed just been thrown out of her own house… Her thoughts buzzed and scattered, refusing to settle. Outside the door, Charlies wailing rattled through. Instinctively, Lucy reached for the door; soothing her brother had always been her job. Since her mum remarried, Tony, her stepdad, couldnt bear the sound of Charlies crying or really anything to do with the child. Lucy, who grew up surrounded by her familys love, simply couldnt understand her mum at times like these. Instead of comforting her child, Patricia would plop Charlie into Lucys arms and storm off to her husband.
Youre grown up now, so you help out!
Grown up… Only yesterday shed been the spoilt apple of her parents eyes, but now shed become, as her mum now called her, a spare part. The last two years sped by so fast Lucy barely had time to keep up as everything about her family changed.
First, her dad died of a heart attack. Unjust and utterly senseless, because he could have been saved if just one passer-by at the bus stop had cared enough to help. Not even fifty, smartly dressed, he ended up lying by the stop for hours. People walked by on pressing business, probably, but no one checked, no one called an ambulance, not even to simply ask if he was alright. Perhaps they thought he was drunk, sleeping off the street in November. When, at last, a stranger offered help, it was too late.
Lucy remembered her mothers reaction perfectly. Patricia seemed to freeze in time, silent and numb. Lucy wept, trying to break through to her, but Patricia never responded. Not a single tear at the funeral; her mother locked herself away, forgetting she had a daughter still there and just as alone.
They had no family, and her parents friends had long since faded into acquaintances, showing up only for major holidays then disappearing again, never taking part in their lives. Lucy remembered her parents being so proud their family was strong enough as just them, not needing anyone else. They had each other and that was all. Lucy, at first, agreed and hated having guests around. Why bother when they were fine without them?
That sense lasted until Lucy started Year 1. In her class, there were far fewer boys than girls, and Lucy was seated with a small, spritely girl named Susan. Susans long, pitch-black plaits, thick as ropes and elegantly tied, instantly sparked Lucys envy. She hated her own wild blond curls, no matter how her mother tried to tame themthey always looked like a dandelion, earning her that very nickname from the start.
She only plucked up the courage to touch her partners braid after two days, when Susan, flinging her hair over her shoulder, muttered, Im sick of these! Ill chop them off, even if Mums mad.
Without thinking, Lucy reached out, stroked the glossy black braid, and whispered, Are you mad? Theyre gorgeous!
That was the beginning of their friendshipLucy and Susan, Suzy, as everyone called her.
Susan was one of four daughters in the big, boisterous Roberts family. The first time Lucy came round, she was overwhelmed by the sheer number of adults, children, and even babies whirling through this sprawling, ramshackle house on three plots at the edge of the village. Lucy never really managed to work out who was who in Susans family tree. She knew Susans mum straight away, who would insist any visitor sit down and would feed you such a meal youd be crawling away. Susans brothers and sisters, despite all their age differences, were always quick to help each other. Her older brother would sit down and make algebra make sense in minutes, while her eldest sister would teach cooking. Even the littlest girls could whip up pastry and bake delicious pies, while Lucys own mum barely let her enter the kitchen, always saying she was too young.
Visiting Susans home, Lucy soon realised friends and relatives werent so bad after all. Later on, shed find out it could be otherwise, that even close ones might turn into strangers, but for now, holidays at the Roberts amazed her with piles of presents Susan receivednot just for birthdays, but any celebration! Parents doted on the children for every occasion, even Great-Aunts birthday brought sweets, jumpers and ribbons for all.
But why? Its not your birthday today? Lucy asked, baffled, while Susan spun in front of the mirror.
So what? Why wait for a reason to make your loved ones happy? Just you wait for Christmasthen the presents will be amazing! Susan would laugh, and Lucy would join in helplessly.
Lucys mum never approved of their friendship; if shed seen the Roberts house, Lucy was certain shed have been banned from visiting. Luckily, Patricia was always working and Lucy would dash home for a quick bowl of soup after schoolotherwise her parents would know shed skipped lunchbefore rushing to where shed be warmly welcomed, given homemade cake or peach jam, and learn how to make it too. Lucy lived for these moments. Here, she could breathe. Here, she was welcome.
It was Susans family, hearing what had happened to Lucys, who sent Susans older brothers round that night with money, giving out practical help. Lucys mum could barely face them, but was obliged to go through the motions as they organised everything for her, efficiently and stony-faced. Susan tried to console Lucy, then ended up crying with her, tears splashing into the dough she kneaded for pies. She baked so many they had to ask the neighbour for fridge space.
For days afterwards, wherever she went, one of Susans brothers was nearby dealing with whatever needed sorting, quietly protective. Patricia never noticed, but Lucy remembered.
When she later asked about it, Susan replied, Well, youre not a stranger any more, are you? And there arent any men left in your house. Someone had to help.
Six months later, Susan was married off by her family. Lucy was stunned and demanded, Are you crazy? What about your studies? You wanted to be a doctor! Youve changed your mind?
No. I havent. Susan unwrapped a long, floaty veil. Im still going to study. Dad sorted it all out with my fiancé.
Lucy gawped. But why marry so young? Are you in love with him?
Susan looked at her as if she were daft. Ive met him twice, maybe. Not love, not yet. Thatll come later.
You could only go along with what parents chose, Susan said. They want the best for me, so theyll pick carefully.
Lucy had nothing to say. At Susans wedding she barely held back her tears, but lost it when hearing Susan was moving to London where her husbands parents had bought them a flat.
How am I supposed to cope without you?
What about me?
Youre married now. Youll be looked after…
If its ever too hard, come to me. Well think of something.
By now, Lucys mum had taken up with Tony, and Susan kept a nervous eye as Lucy dawdled after college, clearly reluctant to head home.
Whats keeping you? Susan asked.
Lucy couldnt put it into words. She didnt want to describe waiting for Tony to catch her in the hallway, or how her mum, after baby Charlies birth, became utterly insufferable, how she had to bolt her bedroom door just to get some sleepfurther angering Patricia, who could barge in anytime with Charlie and dump him on Lucy regardless of her classes in the morning. Of course, Lucy loved her brother and wanted to help, but those nights pacing the room, soothing a crying toddler, left her drained. Shed fainted twice in the college hallway, leaving the place full of whispers.
Before she even graduated, Lucy got a job in a hospital, grateful to have night shifts and a reason to stay away for days at a time.
The night Susan left with her husband, Lucy went home and was met by the most dreadful row with her mother yet. The tension had been building long enough, but Lucy just didnt know how to end it, nor how to make her mum listen…
Patricia listened to no one but herself. Things came to a head when a kindly neighbour, squeezing Charlies cheek, said, You really do have lovely children, Pat. Charlie and Lucywhat a beauty! Shame her dad didnt live to see such a pretty girl grown up. She looks ready to marry, doesnt she? Must be a young lad after her, shes always out and about… What a shame, Pat. She needs to sort her life out.
Something about those words truly riled Patricia. Maybe thats what made her finally tell Lucy to leaveand now, Lucy was stuffing her belonging into a bag, desperately wondering where to go. If she had no place there, then where was her place?
Calling Susan was hardly an optionwhat could Susan do, expecting her first baby now and also managing her studies? What resilience she had! Lucy by contrast couldnt even make herself understood to her own mum.
Lucy looked round her room one last time, grabbed her fathers photograph from her desk, shoved it in her bag and wiped her tears. Fine then! Maybe it was for the best. Shed felt like a stranger here for a long time anyway. The sooner her mum could get on with her life, the better.
In the kitchen the TV blared, and Patricia clattered pots in irritation. Lucy nearly stepped into the hall, then hesitated. What could she say that hadnt already been said? Was there any forgiving the things shed just heard? No, enough was enough. Whatever love theyd once shared, things had changed, and she was now an outsider.
It was already dark outside, and Lucy shivered, tucking her nose into her scarf. Autumn seemed to fall over the city all at once, as if hurrying to take overcatching everyone off guard. She passed a man in shorts and a girl bundled up in a coat and hat. Just yesterday, shed unearthed the scarf Susan had gifted her last Christmasit was always cold for Lucy, but at least now she wouldnt need to go back for warmer clothes. She didnt want to see her mother again. The pain, raw and sharp, gnawed at her heart like a small animal with hungry teethbut Lucy pushed the thoughts aside. Now wasnt the time. She needed to figure out her next step.
The bus stop was all but empty. Just a couple of wandering souls and a stray dog. Lucy set her bag on the bench and shoved her frozen hands in her pockets.
A car pulled up nearby, making Lucy start and shuffle back, wary. Better safe than sorry.
Lucy?
Edward! Lucy nearly wept in relief. It was Susans eldest brotherthe one whod explained their homework years ago, and helped at her dads funeral.
What on earth are you doing here so late? Working?
No Well At the hospital! Thats right, I need to get to work…
Uh-huh. Youre not telling me the truth, Lucy. Whats going on? Whats with the bag?
Edwards gentle gaze was too much. Before she knew it, shed spilled everythingabout her mum, about Tony, about being homeless, nowhere to turn.
I see. Hop in. Always the silent sort, Edward took the wheel. Lucy hesitated a moment, then got in, thinking hed just drop her at the hospital.
They drove through the sleeping city in silence. There was warmth, a temporary calm. Maybe because she knew it wouldnt last, Lucy didnt want to break the stillness, just savoured those moments. Her mothers words rang in her ears: You dont belong here.
She only realised they werent heading to the hospital when the roads began to look unfamiliar.
Edward, where are we going? I need to be at the hospital.
Were you planning to spend the night there?
Well, yes!
And after that? Tonight you can manage, but what about tomorrow?
I dont know I really dont
Well, I do. Were not going to the hospital, were going somewhere else.
Where?
Youll see.
The block of flats in a quiet area was ringed by elegant wrought iron gates. The security let Edward through without a fuss; he parked and nodded at Lucy to come along.
They took the lift to the third floor. Edward rang a doorbell. It was a while before the door swung open and, to Lucys surprise, she was hugged by a large womannot quite as big as first impressions, just tall and dressed in a loose shift, which created the illusion of size.
Grandma!
Eddie! Why no call first?
She wasnt really a grandma, Lucy realisedjust Susan and Edwards great-aunt, but everyone called her Gran. And whos this? Oh, I know! Youre Susans friend, arent you? Saw you at the wedding! Come in, dear, dont be shy. Youre not a stranger here!
Lucy stepped over the threshold and was enfolded by warmth. Marble floors in the wide hallway, a chandelier glittering overhead. While she took it all in, Edward whispered something to Gran, got a gentle nod, and left with a brief wave.
Where are you off to? Lucy barely got a word in before the door closed behind him. She was left alone with Gran.
Why are you standing in the hall? Coat off, come in! Well have some coffee, talk, and you can tell me why such a lovely young lady is out on the street at this hour. Dont you have a home? No mum?
Not anymore, it seems… Lucys strength simply gave out. She collapsed onto a pouffe and suddenly burst into sobs, so that Gran stood still in shock for a moment, then picked her up and held her tight, stroking her hair.
My poor girl! How can this happen? Where were the heavens looking? Not at you, clearly! Dont cry, love, itll all be alright. Youll see. You will! Listen to meI know! Ive seen things in this life and I wont let you go through that! Not if I can help it!
She rocked Lucy like a child, her kind hands smoothing away the pain, offering protection.
Come on, Ill make you coffeethe proper way! Youll drink it and forget your troubles, at least for a bit. Sometimes that little pause is all you need to breathe, to think. Come on!
Lucy sat in the bright kitchen, cradling a tiny cup of intense, bitter coffeeher tears tasted sweeter, somehow. But still she sipped, listening as Gran spoke.
Call me Mary. Thats what they called me when I was your agea girl, innocent, never knowing pain. Lived with my parents, looked after my younger sisters and brother. Our home, our place, was somewhere far from here. My land, my ancestors land, where their graves are. I havent been back, I doubt I ever will. That hurts, but it isnt the worst.
Whats worse? Lucy asked.
Mary sank onto a chair, her skirt stretching across her knees, her face as unyielding as stone. The worst pain is knowing my parents have no graves. Nor my eldest sister. I couldnt bury them.
Why?
Do you know what a raid is? Mary asked. You wouldnt. Lets hope you never find out. Its when strangers come and tell you that this isnt your place anymore. No home, no futurenot even your language is allowed. Thats what they told us. I heard it from the hidden cupboard where my parents shoved us kids. Theyd made a secret exit out to the yard just before. When they came, Dad pushed us in and blocked the door with an old oak dresser that weighed a tonne. Six men couldnt move ityet he shifted it like it was nothing, closing us off from disaster. Where that strength came from, only love for your children can do that, remember. Dont hold on to the hurtful things your mother said. Grief can twist people, hollow them out. It leaves an empty shell that desperately seeks peace it may never find.
It sounds as if you lived through this yourself.
I did. But I wasnt left alone. I had sisters and a brother to care for. Nothing but a burnt house behind us. I wont tell you how we found our way to distant kin who helped us out at first. None of my children were lost. I raised them all, put each and every one on their feet. Susan and Edward are my brothers grandkids. There are morenieces, nephews, greatgrandchildren. Susans about to give me another soonone more blessing!
Why dont you live with your family?
The nightmares still havent left me, thats why. I cry out at night, and it upsets them. So, I stay here. I visit often, but I live aloneso they can have peace. Let them have happy, calm lives, not fretting over my problems.
Did you ever have children of your own?
Mary shook her head. When would I have had time? There were all these kids to raise
But was that the only reason? Lucy leaned closer.
Is that really all?
No, it isnt… Mary looked her straight in the eye. Youre sharp! Thats good, but keep it safe. No, not just because of lack of time…
What, then?
Because I loved one of those who came that awful day. More than my parents, I think. Would have given up everything to go with him, if hed asked… But he never did. Maybe he wanted to, maybe he came out of pity, maybe not. He didnt know Id survived. They didnt search long.
You are very strong
No, love. I had no strength of my ownonly what I borrowed from those around me. The children who needed me, the kin who helped, the strangers who showed love. Their strength ran through me, thats all. Understand?
I think so.
Now, my strength will be yours. Okay? Its my turn to share it out, just as others did for me. Here, youll have your place. And one day, when you have a husband, Ill walk you down the aisle myself, alright? Hey! No more tears! You dont know whats in store for you yet! Ill have to make a proper wife of you! Teach you just like I taught Susan and my own sisters. So youll know everything, do everything! I wont have anyone shaming me.
Mary grinned, seeing Lucys nervous face. Youre right to be scaredits no picnic!
Mary always kept her word. Within two years, Lucy could cook so well she put even Susan to shame when she came back to visit.
Yours taste better! What did you put in the filling? Susan devoured the tiny finger-sized pastries, eyeing Lucy closely. How are you doing?
Good! Thanks to Gran Mary. If it werent for her
Oh, dont praise me too much! Mary laughed, watching over the coffee pot. Or Ill get prideful and Saint Peter wont let me through the gates!
But its true!
The way Lucy spoke, her inflections so like Marys, cracked Susan up. Shes made you just like her!
Not quite yet. Mary suddenly turned serious, glancing at Lucy.
Susan watched, puzzled. Whats wrong?
Tell her yourself. Im off for a lie down. Mary poured coffee, then shuffled out of the kitchen.
Whats going on, Lucy?
Lucy hadnt wanted to talk about what had weighed on her heart for two months now, but seeing Susans concern, she gave in.
Mums ill.
Its serious?
Very. The hospitalmy hospitallooked after her. I know every detail.
So you havent visited?
Lucy shook her head. I cant make myself go.
Lucy! What if you wait and then its too late? If you want to forgive, forgive while you can.
Please, Suzy, dont shout. I know… But I just cant. How she threw me outand what if Edward hadnt turned up? If it weren’t for Mary? Where would I be now? Did Mum think of me before? She chose a man over meand he left as soon as she got ill, ran at the first sign of trouble! Left Charlie behind, too!
Where is Charlie now?
In care. They wouldnt give him to me. I have work, but no flat. Even with my side jobs, I cant scrape together enough for rent.
Couldnt you go back to your mums flat?
She took me off the tenancy. To get Charlie back, social services want paperwork, but I havent got what I need. Oh, Suzy, I dont know what to do Lucy buried her head in her hands. I cant sleep thinking about Charlie, how hes coping.
If you cared that much, you wouldnt be here sitting, would you? Susan shot back and stood. Lets go!
Where?
To your mums.
What for?
Is she there?
No, shes been discharged.
Well then, to your placenow.
Im not going to make up with her!
You dont have to. But she should be the one making it up to you. And stop thinking about yourself for a change. Think of Charlie! No one thought of youwas that nice? Exactly!
In the end, Lucy reconciled with her mother. It happened only two days before Patricia, unrecognisable and worn away by pain, passed away, at last whispering an apology to her daughter, who had spent weeks caring for her and burying her resentment. Lucy didnt remember the hurtful words, only the memory of a summer morning years ago, when she was five, sitting with her beautiful young mum in a red sundress, eating big yellow cherries, sweet as her mothers kisses. And in that moment, surrounded only by that happiness, she found the words naturally: I forgive you, Mum
And Marys words finally made sense: You need to let go of resentment. Cast it away like a mad dog, or it will poison you and stop you from ever seeing the light or anything good. It will burn in your heart and destroy you, leaving nothing. Its hardI know. But you need it more than the one you must forgive.
A week later, Charlie held Lucys hand tight as they walked into the flat. He looked up at her and asked, Are we finally home now?
Yes, little one. This is our home. Our place, you see?
And when Charlie nodded, so earnestly, Lucy knew that everything was, at last, as it should be.
