Surplus

Lily, why arent you at school? Julia dropped the heavy shopping bags by the front door, took a long breath and leaned back against the wall.

What a day! As if work wasnt hectic enough and the boss hadnt had another go at her, now it looked like her youngest daughter had caused yet another dilemma. What had she done to deserve this?

Mum, my tummy hurts. Lily was hunched near the nursery door, arms dangling by her sides.

Julia grimaced. Lilys posture which shed started adopting with annoying frequency lately was really getting on her nerves. Was it so hard to stand up straight? Katie and Matthew, her older two, never seemed to have these issues. Then again, Katie was into gymnastics so her posture was always under the watchful eye of her coach. And Matthew, what with his swimming and karate, had a back that could have been used for a posture chart. But little Lily she was all limp noodles and sighs. Everything was always aching: her head, her stomach, sometimes both at once. Though, after Julia had scolded her, Lily had stopped asking to come home early. So why was she back before time today? Julia just didnt want to untangle it right now. It was Sashas birthday, which meant she had to get cracking in the kitchen if she hoped to be ready for the relatives coming round this evening.

Julia kicked off her boots and marched into the kitchen, forgetting all about her daughter. Lily stood in the hallway a few moments longer, then slipped off to her room. She climbed onto her bed, hugged her battered old teddy, Mr Teddy, and sat quietly.

She knew very well Mum had little time for her right now and wouldnt trouble her. Shed already taken the tablet as soon as shed got home, and the pain that had earlier been tearing at her middle was now reduced to a nasty little gremlin wriggling about scratching or nipping now and then, but not so hard it was unbearable, just enough to keep her alert and reminded who was in charge.

Mr Teddy peered at her with his button eye Lily had sewn that on to replace the original and, just as always, did his job. She didnt know how, but with him there, the pain almost faded away. Lily kissed the worn nose of her ancient teddy and settled at the little desk she shared with her sister. She needed to get on. Katie would soon be home from training and would expect Lily to clear out, and not just move her stuff, but leave the space spotless or shed whip up one of her storms, which would end in Mum sighing, pinching the bridge of her nose and muttering,

Do you want to finish me off, the pair of you? Sort it out among yourselves!

Of course, no one would actually sort anything. Katie would just give her a sharp pinch making sure the parents didnt see and then hiss, like a furious swan on that pond Gran used to take them to in summer,

Thats it! Had enough of you!

It meant Lily would have to bite down on her pillow and wait And when Mum turned the light out in the nursery, try her best not to cry out, because that talk from her big sister would leave her sitting on the bench in PE for days, staring at her trainers and going scarlet as classmates began their teasing,

Smith, again? Youre always unwell! You should do something about it

In Lilys class, PE was a favourite lesson and the only accepted reasons for sitting out were a note from the GP or, well, something else that nobody said out loud but her clever lot all knew anyway.

Carefully hiding the bruises left by her sisters lesson, Lily would bury herself in her textbooks, painfully aware good marks were the only thing that pleased her parents. And not just any grades, but the best. Not that she minded studying it was just her health that sometimes let her down. But Lily had learnt to keep quiet about that. She only mentioned feeling ill if asked point-blank, or if it meant missing class. Shed long ago realised that complaining was pointless; nothing would come of it. Julia dismissed her timid complaints as nonsense, and Dad barely noticed at all. Normally, the response was,

Youre young, what can possibly ache? Why doesnt Katie or Matthew have these problems? Whys it always only you?

Little Lily used to cry. The older Lily had stopped. Shed simply fetch pills from the medicine cabinet the ones her gran had shown her after a visit to the doctor and get on with life. By eleven, Lily already knew what to take for a headache and what for period pain. By fifteen, she was a real pro, no longer going to her mum for advice.

She ought to get on with her homework, but her head was heavy. She just sat at her desk, turning exercise books over in her hands. She put biology her favourite aside for later, and opened her geometry book.

She was drilling a new theorem when Katie crashed in, voice like a gust of wind,

Are you still at my desk? Move it! I need to revise for my mock exams!

Lily swept her things off the table in one go before Katie could do her version of tidying up, which really meant chucking Lilys books and notepads all over the floor, joined by pencils and pens.

Im done anyway!

Good! Now disappear so thoroughly I never find you! Stans coming round and I dont want you under my feet!

Ill go help Mum then.

Suit yourself! It makes no odds to me. Katie spun round in front of the mirror and rummaged in her makeup bag.

The expensive red bag had once been the envy of Katies whole gymnastics squad. Julia never skimped on beauty products for her eldest daughter if a girl was going to wear makeup, she should at least be using the best.

Lily herself had never dared dream of such things.

Whats there for you to paint, honestly? Julia would say, firmly gripping Lilys chin and turning her head this way and that in the window light, tutting. Her skin so clearly needed a good facial, or at the very least a basic skincare kit. Julia would let her go with a look of exasperation, Katie never had spots! My skins flawless, doesnt need a thing. Who do you take after? Even your dad isnt as bad. Go on! Wash your face more often. Youre not allowed makeup yet. And forget about boys for now!

Lily wasnt thinking about boys at all. In fact, she was afraid to even let her mind wander there. Who would want her, anyway? Her gran insisted everything would pass, that being a teenager didnt last forever, but Lily refused to listen. One look at her mum or Katie was enough to know shed drawn the short straw scrawny, spotty, glasses, as likely to hear What a lovely girl youve got, Julia! as win the lottery. That compliment was reserved for Katie, always and only.

Lily saw the way everyone admired her sister, from family to neighbours. Petite, graceful like a delicate china doll with a modest smile and gentle gaze that had been drilled into her since she was little. But only Lily really knew what Katie was like.

Watching Katie rage and fling her schoolbooks about the room, Lily didnt feel anger so much as pity. Of course, shed never dare say so she knew what would happen if she did. So she just gathered up her battered books and remembered what Gran said,

Dont mock the hapless, love, nor be angry with them. If someones hearts empty, its their own misery, not yours. They probably dont understand and never will its their loss. Their life will pass them by. When goodness never touches a soul, its as empty as a burnt-out field, black with bitterness. They may think theyre grand, since people fear them, but one day something a moments warmth will hit them and theyll realise all they missed through their anger. And thatll gnaw at them, quietly, maybe unnoticed, until the very end. Worse than any torture, that is. For nothings harder than seeing yourself as you truly are.

Lily tried to remember Grans words, for Mrs Andrews was the only one in the family who loved her and never thought she was surplus to requirements.

Even with Matthew with whom relations were awkward, but not terrible Lily preferred to be invisible. To be fair, it was much the same with Katie, except he only grew civil when his sister was meeting pretty girls.

An extra That was the word Lily first heard about herself at five. Mum and Dad had argued loudly that night, and shed clung to her brand new Mr Teddy for comfort.

I told you, we didnt need another child! You just wouldnt listen, even when my mum offered you a way out. She said she could sort it

Sort it? She always put herself first! If anything had happened to me, where would our children have gone? The ones we already had. My mums too frail now, and yours couldnt trust her to feed a kitten. Itd be dead in three days, let alone a child.

Dont you dare! My mum raised me, and I survived fine! She just didnt want an extra mouth to feed. Was two not enough?

It was for me, but remember it was you who insisted on that wild camping trip? Well, look at where it led! Now we really have an extra child. But what could we do she was here.

Nowhere Her dad had paced round the room. Lily hid her nose under the covers back then, they all still lived in Grans small two-bed, Lilys cot in the parents room for lack of space. Youre right Its all a bit silly.

What the child?

No. Arguing about what already is.

Lily heard them whisper for ages before switching off the lamp, but she lay awake thinking.

If she truly wasnt wanted, maybe she should just go, so things would be easier for everyone. Mum and Dad would be content, toxic Granny Irene would stop nagging.

Where could she go? Only one person truly loved her Gran. Mums mum.

She lived far away, but Lily remembered the train ride. All she had to do was find her way to the station.

So Sunday, when nursery was closed, Lily got up early, tiptoed out, and grabbed her tiny bag packed with her favourite book, new socks with pompoms, and with Mr Teddy watching from the bedside table pulled on wellies and her raincoat.

Dont look at me like that! Its wet outside and muddy in Grans village its autumn, isnt it? I know what Im doing.

Shed nearly reached the bus stop when Mrs Jennings, the neighbour, caught up with her.

Where are you off to, Lily dear? Wheres Mummy?

At home.

What, off with Daddy then?

No. Just me.

Just you? Goodness! Where are you headed?

To Grans!

On your own? But why, sweetheart?

Because Im not wanted. But Gran will want me. Goodbye!

Polite as taught, Lily set off, but Mrs Jennings startled by the strange answer hastened after, asking,

Lily, how will you get to Grans, then?

By train!

Ah, but youll need documents. Mums or Dads passport, your birth certificate to buy a ticket.

Like the coach?

Kind of, but for the train, you really do need them. Do you have them?

Lily shook her head.

No

Well, lets fetch them then, shall we? Back home first.

Lily took Mrs Jennings hand and whispered to Mr Teddy,

Well be back in a tick, then we can go for real. Hold on! It wont be long.

Her parents only found out shed gone missing when Mrs Jennings, with Lily tightly in tow, rang their doorbell. Julia halfway through flipping pancakes for brunch scowled and turned off the gas.

Who on earth is calling at this hour?

She nearly fainted at the sight of their neighbour and Lily, and called her husband,

Simon! Come here!

The exchange was brief and muddled. Under Dads gaze, Lily shrank, clutched Mr Teddy, and slipped off to the nursery, where bleary-eyed Katie awaited.

What have you done now?

Lily spent that Sunday in the corner. Dad put her there and told her not to move until he said so. Katie, after a good laugh, handed back Mr Teddy,

Here. Stop blubbering! Dad will cool off. You know hes not really bad. Honestly, use your head next time!

Lily had heard that so often shed started blaming her own mind for never working the way it should.

Gran would laugh at that and say,

Lily, not everyone lives through their head. Some people live through their heart not always the best way, but thats how God made you.

Why isnt it always good?

Some hearts are tender, kind others jealous or bitter. The heads there to check it, to weigh up whats wisest.

What about mine?

Yours? Golden, my dear. Which is why I worry for you sometimes.

Why?

I just dont want you to get hurt.

Grans words stuck, for whenever something went wrong, they comforted Lily. She couldnt be that awful if Gran Gally thought her heart was good.

After her failed escape, Lily stopped trying to change things. Katie and Matthew had made it abundantly clear children are property, and till youre 18 you have no choice. So Lily waited for that day, planning her future carefully. Once she settled on a career, she stood her ground. What else could she do?

A vet? You, Lily? What nonsense! said Julia.

Whys it nonsense, Mum?

Because its not a real profession! Your sisters going into finance: money, prospects. What about you?

Mum, please, let me choose for myself.

Do what you want. Youve always been a punishment. Suit yourself, just dont ask for help?

Lily silently endured the speech about some children are like this but inside, she rejoiced. Her plan was working. She made her applications alone, since her parents flatly refused to pay for tutors.

If you used your head like Katie and Matthew, wed help. But you dont so youre on your own, Lily. Your choice.

The doorbell rang. Lily sighed, putting aside her biology textbook. Guests Shed have to put in her half hour at the table, like always.

Lily! Good grief, youre skin and bone! Dont they feed you? And those shadows under your eyes! Julia, she needs a doctor, she looks dreadful!

Lilys other gran, Mrs Richardson, as elegant as ever, peeled off her gloves and began scolding her daughter-in-law,

And wheres Katie? I expected to see her! She ignores me completely. Last week I rang three times and never got an answer! disgraceful! Well, Matthews moved away, I can hardly expect help from him. But who can I rely on then?

Gran, I can come on Tuesday and help you. Lily piped up, seeing how tired her Mum was.

I dont want you, I want Katie!

I havent got time said Katie, all sparkles and perfume, blowing a kiss to Gran and nudging Lily aside. Move up!

Katie, but

Oh Gran, you only ever think of yourself! Ive got exams! And a life! When I have a spare second, Ill pop round.

Very well.

Mrs Richardsons irritation vanished as soon as Katie flung open the door for Stan.

Meet my fiancé! Stanley!

Lily slipped out to the kitchen, knowing at last everyone was busy enough to ignore her. In silence, she helped Mum, listening to the grown-ups chatter and getting gloomier by the minute.

Yes, well, Katie is doing so wonderfully! So smart, so beautiful, all going perfectly for her and now shes getting married! Pity things arent going as smoothly for Lily.

I mean, imagine! A vet! Why not a doctor? At least then youd have a proper profession

Lily, long used to being spoken about as if she were an inanimate object, let it wash over her. Why interrupt? No one cared for her opinion.

Katie, taking a dish of fish from her, rolled her eyes and changed the subject,

You should have seen the rings we picked! Tell them, Stan! Theyre dreamy!

Lily nodded her thanks and checked the table. All done. Now she could slip away, and no one would even see shed gone. The pain was surging again so she took another pill and crept to her room. She didnt even hear the guests leave or Katie come back to do a hasty tidy.

Lily slept.

Next day, she learned the room shed shared with Katie was now hers alone her sister was moving in with Stanley. That, at least, was something.

I wont touch your things Lily helped pack the suitcases.

Youd better not! Katie, pausing to root through her cosmetics, suddenly set out a new lipstick, mascara and some other bits. Here learn to use these! Honestly, youre impossible to look at. Youre grown up now, sort it yourself!

Lily almost retorted that shed been doing things for herself for ages, but let it go. Fingering her sisters precious gift, she just said quietly,

Thanks.

The next few years passed much as Lily had expected. Her life was all study.

Katie had two babies in quick succession and became totally absorbed in her family, drawing her parents attention entirely away. Lily was glad, as she needed space for her own worries.

When she announced shed finished university and was leaving city life behind, her parents took it rather calmly.

To the countryside? Lily, youve always been an oddball! Fine, go ahead. But if you come running back, dont expect us to take your nonsense seriously.

Lily didnt care anymore. She packed up, kissed her nieces and nephews who adored their pale, gentle aunty and left for her Grans in the country.

There, she was wanted. There, she was not extra.

Gran Gally welcomed her with open arms, but fretted about her trading the city for a village life.

Lily love, are you sure? Born in the city, raised there Its different here.

Youd never turn me out, would you, Gran?

Of course not!

Then please, let me decide. I feel so peaceful here and isnt that what matters?

Lily settled easily into country life. The area was vast, plenty of work, and soon she was in real demand. She adored animals and could talk to their owners in a way that even the oldest locals found astonishing.

Clever girl, that granddaughter of yours, Gally. Already spoken for?

The question made Lily smile, at least until she met Victor. Ten years her senior, with his own small farm and a young son from his first marriage. His wife had died soon after childbirth, and his aged aunt had helped raise the boy. Victors mum was long gone there was no one else.

Marrying Victor? Lily, are you certain? Julia, eyes wide, looked to her husband for help. What sort of match is that? A widower, and with a child? You need sense for that kind of life! Oh, Lily, why cant you be more like Katie and Matthew? Everythings turned out well for them, and you Oh!

The kitchen now smelled of valerian, but Lily knew it was all bluster. She also knew her older sister whod changed and grown closer to Lily wasnt as happy as she seemed. Even Matthew couldnt settle his personal life, hardly a role model for anyone.

There was no point telling parents any of that. Lily knew: all that mattered was living in accordance with ones heart. And her heart was here now.

The old country bus, wheezing and rattling, dropped her off by her own front gate.

Evening, Miss Lily!

Thanks, Valentine! Right to the gate, couldnt ask for more!

Well, youre good folk. Word is true, youre marrying Victor?

Its true.

Good choice! Hes a solid man, and the boys a good one too. Youll make a fine family.

A fine family? Whats that, Valentine? Lily lingered on the lowest step, looking at the whiskered old driver.

Just one where folk respect each other. Where youre wanted, and youre at peace.

Where people love each other?

Thats another way of saying it. But in the old days we had a word for it: to care. Not just pity, but something deeper. Means youll never be left alone with your troubles. If someone hurts, you heal them if you can if not, just show kindness and comfort them. Sometimes, thats all it takes. And when theres joy, rejoice with them as though its yours. Thats the secret.

It sounds complicated and yet so simple Lily mused, curtsied a little. Thank you!

For what?

For the lesson. They teach us so much in school, at uni, but never the really important things. And you explained it in just a few words.

My pleasure. Just dont forget to invite us to the wedding, eh?

Of course! Will your wife come too?

Shell be there! She can explain all that better than me. Theres wisdom for you.

Ill be sure to talk to her! Lily waved to her gran, stepped lightly off the bus and felt desperate to talk about everything.

Two years on, Julia purses her lips as she walks through Lilys spacious country house peeking in at Mrs Andrews, whom Lily cares for since her stroke, rocking the cot with Lilys newborn and frowning,

Lily! That old teddys falling apart! Why is it in with the baby?

Lily straightens Mr Teddy, proud on his perch.

He might be worn, Mum, but you wont believe it she sleeps instantly with him beside her.

Strange, but somehow not surprising. Youve always been unusual. What a mother

Mum

What?

I was. Just as you said strange, awkward, unsure. An extra.

Lily looks at her mother steadily till Julia flushes and drops her gaze.

Not anymore. Do you see? Lily stands up straight over the cot.

Julia nods slowly, watching as Lily cradles her child.

A lively little boy of five careens in from the kitchen, juggling a hot bun, pressing himself against Lilys knees,

Mum! Can I have another sweetie?

Take the dish from the kitchen and offer them round. And dont forget to check with Auntie Katie first if her two can have some before lunch. Got that?

Watching him skip off, Julia shakes her head while Lily, catching her look, smiles contentedly.

Valentine was right people given to us as family should be cherished. You cant change them, but they can change themselves. Maybe just a little, maybe slowly and painfully, but when you love someone, even the tiniest change is worth more than any prize.

Mum, hold her a minute? My roast goose will be done any moment.